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Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Ribbed For Whose Pleasure?

posted by on November 14 at 14:41 PM

In an alarming move to further erode the public’s responsibilities about, well, anything, Nintendo has begun giving away cushy little jackets for their Wii console’s remote controllers. You know, the little white controllers that walk around the house when you’re asleep and gouge themselves into flat-screen TVs?

My guess is, Nintendo’s legal department decided that last year’s “threw the remote while playing Wii Bowling” stories had enough merit to potentially spark a class-action lawsuit. You know, a lawsuit that ignores the millions of warnings that ship with: * the Wii system; * each Wii game; * the start-up screen for each Wii game; * the human mind. At this point, they might as well go the McDonald’s route and label the motion-controlled gizmos with tags like “CAUTION: DANGEROUS WHEN THROWN.” Or maybe “YO, STUPID!”

Anyway, my Wii condoms just showed up in the mail. No, really:


Come on! These things are big, rubbery vacuums just waiting to be filled with cock. [Insert topical, political joke here] The tactile ribbing around the shaft; the spongy, circular shield over the head; the convenient opening at the bottom for your balls. (Fine, the last one is a stretch. Literally.) And they’re sending these things to every Wii-owning kid in the nation.

…on second thought, these remote jackets are a great idea. Nintendo is subverting middle America’s abstinence bent by teaching kids about safe sex through gaming accessories! Awesome. Here’s to hoping for a motion-controlled follow-up.

In all honesty, they’re not so bad. Comfy, even. Other companies already charge for these kinds of controller jackets, so if you want a free solution to SHS (sweaty hand syndrome), order away.

RSS icon Comments


i'd so use one of those for my cock. i mean Wii.

that law suit would be equal to or worse than the mcdonalds one. what would they call the court case? "Dumbasses vs Nintendo"? shit.

Posted by Jake Salvador | November 14, 2007 2:53 PM

I hope they get a class action lawsuit against Nintendo. Think of all those dumbfucks paying lawyer fees... and then getting laughed out of court.

Posted by Greg | November 14, 2007 2:55 PM

I ordered the maximum of 4 sheaths, yet I only own 2 controllers. It's gonna be a fun weekend when these show up!

As a side note, are they microwave-safe?

Posted by T | November 14, 2007 2:56 PM

Yes, the wiicondoms are quite comfortable in the palm. I have no plans to apply them to any other body parts; but the squooshy rubber and grippy ribbing look well-suited to pleasures of the flesh.

I can see how some enterprisingly kinky youth might make a game out of waving the pointer at the screen while nestled snugly in their hindquarters. Now that I think of it, the co-star mode of UR MR GAY is perfectly suited for the spazzy operation that would be the result of wiimote tail-wagging.

Posted by mattymatt | November 14, 2007 2:59 PM

In Other Meta-News:

"Nintendo Corp. was hit with a class-action lawsuit today, brought on behalf of some six thousand members of an online "extreme body-modification" social group, who asserted the company's "Wii controller jackets" caused severe testicular abrasions when used as prophylactic devices.

Meanwhile, another four hundred members of the same group filed a counter-suit, claiming the so-called abrasions, and subsequent genital swelling, were 'actually quite pleasurable'..."

Posted by COMTE | November 14, 2007 3:02 PM

I like to ride without a jacket. Except for the first few dates.

Posted by Will in Seattle | November 14, 2007 3:05 PM

Damn, they charge $10-$20 for something like that for your phone, i-pod, etc.

Posted by Mike of Renton | November 14, 2007 3:27 PM

Sorry, tried to cancel that comment when I finally notice that Sam already made my.. er, his point.

Posted by Mike of Renton | November 14, 2007 3:29 PM

Buncha Wiifuckers.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | November 14, 2007 3:29 PM

In semi-related Wii news -- this game just came out Tuesday, scrubbed of the unintended "secret message" by the big N at the last minute:

Posted by Peter | November 14, 2007 5:37 PM

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