Oh, and I almost forgot.

What Would Jesus Buy? is opening this week, but it’s dumb and I was short on space, so I tucked it away in Film Shorts:

A very poor documentary about the performance artist Billy Talen, also known as Reverend Billy to his followers in the Church of Stop Shopping. His shtick is to bring a choir to the middle of Times Square—or a big-box parking lot, or the Mall of America, or a conspicuous spot at Disneyland, or (the one time I saw him in person) an abandoned silk factory in Charlottesville, Virginia—and hold a boisterous, Baptist-style service exhorting people to give up shopping. His performance style has been tailored for ambulatory, even drive-by audiences, so a full-length documentary was already pushing things. Pile on hideous low-grade video and a lame road-trip conceit, and you’ve got an almost unwatchable film. Reverend Billy is an interesting performer: His sermons are truly zealous, and indie-friendly audiences are often taken aback by their literal religious content. But you won’t find any exploration of his motives or unusual effect on audiences here; for director Rob VanAlkemade, it’s strictly cheerleading and blurry shots of colorful Christmas kitsch. Ugh. (ANNIE WAGNER)

Meanwhile, The Sasquatch Gang (a Napoleon Dynamite ripoff/salute that, at least according to some reviewers, is better than the original) is opening at Uptown today. The publicists failed entirely to alert local media, but thanks to the Seattle-area father of a child actor in the movie, we do have a screener, and Megan Seling should be watching it right… now… Right, Megan?