TV I Love Television, Original Andrew™ Edition
posted by on October 12 at 9:00 AM
If the first step is admitting that you have a problem then well, we’ve got a major fucking problem: T.V. these days sucks balls, and not in the way that makes you beg your significant other to call in sick and play hooky together (again). Even Television Without Pity has run out of euphemisms for “this show is shit,” and hasn’t Gossip Girl already caused too many suicides?
But never fear! With some creative remote control button pushing and DVD magic, euphoric bliss with the TV wire mommy can still be yours.
This Week on Television
Sunday, 9:00 pm (PBS): The Inspector Lynley Mysteries. Sergeant Barbara Havers is hot on the trail of London’s latest notorious murderer, and she’s gonna kick some cheerio ass, even if it does mean extra paperwork. Inspector Lynley shows up occasionally and acts all dour, but it doesn’t matter ‘cause the show’s really about Havers—who totally rulz! Blimey!
Monday, 8:00 pm (DVD): 9 to 5. Movie night! Three secretaries kidnap and torture their sadistic boss, then conquer their office in the greatest marijuana-fueled, socialist How-To video of all time! 9 to 5 veterans will especially enjoy the “Sexist, Egotistical, Lying, Hypocritical Bigot” edition with the optional Spanish subtitles. No where else will you learn phrases like “Violet, cariño, ¿puedes venir un momento?” and “¡se disparó desde adentro de mi bolsa!”
Tuesday, 8:00 pm (DVD): Remington Steele, Season 3, Steele in the Chips. All hell breaks loose when Remington and Laura are hired to find the inventor of the zero-calorie chocolate chip cookie. Don’t fret, Midred Krebs, IRS, has their backs.
Wednesday, 8:00 pm (DVD): Veronica Mars, Season 1, M.A.D. Revenge is a dish best served sweet, or something. When Tad blackmails Carmen to stay together with him by threatening to post a humiliating cell-phone video of her doing something unspeakable with a popsicle in the hot-tub at Shelley Pomroy’s infamous party, she doesn’t get mad –she hires Veronica to take the chump down. How far will Veronica go? Press play and find out, but be forewarned that this explosive episode may end with mutually assured destruction.
Thursday, 9:00 pm (HGTV): Divine Design. In the beginning, there was Candice Olson. Over the years, HGTV has oscillated from architecture to silly “fix up my house for $50” shows to “quick, help me selling my ratty house with the exploding subprime mortgage” shows. But no one can touch Candice, and she will out-decorate your ass to the moon and back. Kenneth Brown tried to compete and she cut him. Bad.
Friday, 8:00 pm (DVD): Magnum, P.I. Season 4, I Witness. Magnum is called to suss out the facts and provide consoling moustache rides when the King Kamehameha club is robbed, and Higgins, T.C. and Rick all have conflicting accounts of what happened. You’ll be on the edge of your seat and Magnum’s face for the fourth season finale!
Saturday: Get off the sofa, out of the house and put your “structurally perfect, honey-baked ham” to good use!
Holy fuck! No wonder I stopped watching TV. Doesn't sound like I'm missing anything.
gossip girl rawks, bro!
Hey, these programs sound great. I don't actually watch the television myself, but maybe I should!
Although SDA in SEA has a good point as well.
I haven't had any morning wood today. What the hell.
OK, this sucks, I'm outta here.
Dude, your tv week sucks worse than regular programing. And that's saying something.
Remington Steele makes me want to have explosive diarrhea.
9 to 5 is one of the BEST movies EVER!!! Now I'm just going to have to quote it for the rest of the day, starting.... now!
"Oh yeah, I'm a doctor. So why the hell am I talking to you? Piss off!"
If you think TV sucks more than it used to, you're not watching enuf. Or, you actually need to drop some coin to get the good stuff. Most of the shows on FX kick ass.
In your case, looks like you're still watching some VHS tapes that your Mom sent you, so enjoy that.
Candice Olson - I would seriously consider doing her, if I were of that breeder persuasion, just to have her redo my bedroom. (Straight) Hunky Paul would be icing on the cake. Who knew Canadians were all so cute?
TV is awesome these days, I don't know what you're on. Sure there are shitty shows out there, but why watch those when there's good stuff on?
I agree, TV is better today than ever before (except for the Arrested Development recent past). Seen "Extras"?
@ 11 & 12, Right on, there's some good shit on these days. 30 Rock, Weeds, The Sarah Silverman Program, Bionic Woman (although this past week's show was a bit all over the place, it definitely has potential), and Dexter to name a few.
Personally, I'd suggest grabbing BBC America on cable - then you can watch Doctor Who and Torchwood. ;)
Alternatively, you could just download seasons of good shows off the net - that way you can watch shows you like whenever you want!
(Note, I live in Canada, and this is legal here.)
Why not just admit to watching the entire Veronica Mars season one marathon that night? There's no shame, and it was the best season.
Showing at my place tonight at 8p.m.: Sarah Silverman Show season one marathon.
Mike in MO @ 6,
With a dry, cool wit like that you could write a Television column! Oh, right. Well, your time will come on Freaky Friday 3, heh, heh, heh mi amigo!
And, excuse me, when exactly am I going to be panned and flamed by the Stranger writers and staff?
Come on people!
I'm obsessed with "Mad Men" on AMC.
@14
My thoughts exactly.
How could anyone say theres nothing to watch when theres 40 years worth of the good Doctor to catch up on?
maximum geek level attained
OK, I wasn’t going to go there, but you’ve all forced my hand:
I’ve seen every ep of all three season of the new Doctor Who (I get Canadian TV, CBC), and I just don’t like it. Sure, the old series was low-budget, but that forced them to make it more cerebal and add more character depth. The new show is all flash, ADD and colors (have you noticed that they’re always running somewhere?). But like cotton candy, it’s all sugar and no nutrients.
I'm just gonna go back to watching Little Mosque on the Prairie and nice Seattle shows like Reaper and Grey's Anatomy.
And Pushing Daisies.
I'd be Lost without them. Like Men In Trees, I'd be hanging from a limb.
And you don't even have to Torch wood to get my drift.
Andrew,
I'm starting to get a self-righteous high from eating healthy, have I been completely brainwashed by the man or will I get back in touch with reality if I just smoke a bowl and hit the Bell?
Sort of rhetorical/moot, but I throw it out there for feedback. FYI, use of the phrase "mustache rides" makes a good post, and I'd bet $20 that you have a t-shirt with that phrase on it.
Ugly Betty is where it's at.
Speaking of mustache rides, a classic from The Onion:
http://www.theonion.com/content/radio_news/aging_man_softens_stance_on
true dat, MM.
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