Dan, I agree with you on both counts. Do not tell the wife and he needs to tell the former cell mate that it is over now but he needs to be polite about it.

How did the Cellmate get his address though????? That is a little strange....

Tell your spouse. An extramarital sexual relationship is just that, regardless of whether you happen to be incarcerated at the time or not. Your wife deserves to know...! And frankly you should be begging her not to divorce you, because you sound like a loser. First you endanger your family by committing financial crime, whatever that means. Then, you endanger your marriage AND your wife's vagina by having an affair in prison. So what if you got lucky and didn't get an STD? Being lucky doesn't absolve you from cheating on your spouse.

I absolutely agree. I believe it would be cruel to tell the wife. His time in prison was something she can't relate to (I imagine) and that is very separate from his present life. Let the cellmate down easily and move on.

Honestly, this sounds a bit fishy. Three years is not enough time, imho, to have a man start having sex with another man. Unless he is already on that side of the Kinsey scale. Maybe this guy is gay and needs to come out. Maybe that is driving his need to tell his wife. Assuming this is a real letter, and he is "straight" KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

You can either tell her yourself or wait until she asks and given the worlds obsession with prison rape she will eventually ask.

As for the former cell mate, definately respond. Don't wait for him to get out of prison and show up on your doorstep. Just don't be a dick about it.

@4

You made a typo. You put "three years" when you should have put "three months."

A professional male, eh? Financial crime/professional male...doesn't add up. Although he served his time...okay. I'll give him that.

What I won't give him is what you have given him. That advice is horrid. In a serious relationship, that type of relationship I could never handle, you are to be completely open and honest with your spouse. If he shanked a guy in prison, and succeeded in getting away with it, would you be saying the same thing? He only killed one guy, and it was in prison, so why should his wife know if he's murdered a guy? What happens in prison stays in prison, right?

Just like what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

What happens in a different area code stays in that different area code?

If you have to hide something from your spouse in order to prevent anymore harm than you already have, both being decisions you made by yourself, you are not only unprofessional, you are untrustworthy and disrespectful of the vows you made, you are neglecting any respect you could possibly have for your spouse.

So if she fucked some dude while he was in prison, should she tell him?

With you, Dan, on all counts. I don't think she needs to know, and maybe by not asking, she doesn't want to know (pure speculation on my part, of course). If she asks, though, he ought to tell her.

Gotta agree with Katelyn on this one, but I understand some couples don't have frank, honest discussion about their sex lives and sexuality and can pull of huge lies of omission without batting an eyelash. (Maybe how the guy got into prison in the first place?)

He says the details are unimportant. Bullshit, because they won't be unimportant to his wife. She's gonna want to know who bottomed, and that may be a large part of what's keeping him from, er . . . opening up.

Tell her. Infidelity is infidelity. Luckily, he has a pretty good mitigating circumstance.

Still, he mentioned that it was consensual, which raises the question: Was it just the circumstances? If so, great, he's many gay mens'/gay porn producers' fantasy. If not, then he kinda owes it to himself to explore it some more. And he owes it to his wife to be candid. I'm not necessarily saying the guy's gay or whatever, just that he might want, consent to, more cock. Who knows, maybe his wife would be down for it, too.

Agree on both counts, but... If the prison lover has already contacted him, isn't there a chance he'd tell the wife himself? If you were the wife of a dude who'd been in the can for 3 years, would you rather find out from him that he'd been schtupping his cell-mate, or would you rather find out from the cell-mate?

And, on another note, I wonder if his wife did without sex for the three years he was away? If so, it's nice that one of them was enjoying the comfort of a warm body, huh? If not, would HE want to know?

As long as he has a clean bill of health and there is a near-zero chance of the wife finding out about the affair elsewhere, I'd definitely agree, and strongly disagree with Poe et al. A friend of mine had a little dalliance while out of town a while back and felt the need to confess to his wife. He may have wanted to relieve himself of the burden, but he really just tossed it on her; it wreaked serious havoc in their marriage, and to no particular benefit.

I say the best policy with an affair like this is to keep it to yourself, and vow not to do it again.

Numero 2 has it right.

addendum to @12: if there is a possibility that she'll find out, he may want to tell her before anyone else does (which would be much worse).

@7 - Weighing the pros and cons, I can't think of a single pro for him telling her. And if she fucked a dude while he was in the can, the same holds true.

If he/she is continuing to cheat, then 1) they are being unfair, and 2) they will get caught eventually anyway. If it was a one time thing to get through the lonely nights, or whatever, they shouldn't say anything.

I will take that a step further and say the only one who benefits from this type of disclosure is the cheater. It is the cheater who unloads the burden and gets to feel less guilt.

@12

Yeah, it may have wrecked serious havoc in their marriage, but that's what cheating does. That's what financial crimes do.

If he had gotten away with his 'financial crime', and didn't go to prison, I guess there would be no reason to tell her about that either, huh?

As long as she doesn't know, and nobody gets hurt, everything is fine, right?

With that logic, we can excuse all of the mistakes we made in our past that we got away with. Unfortunately, the only time you truly learn from mistakes is when you pay for them.

That's what he needs to do. He needs to pay. Period. If you don't want to fuck up your relationship with your wife and kids, don't break the law with a 'financial crime' and go to prison. If you don't want to worsen the situation with your loving wife who is standing by your fucking side while you're serving time, don't fucking cheat on her. It's called a hand. Use it.

Furthermore, I find it bothersome that he made another mistake which would be horrible to his wife while serving time in prison for a mistake he made that was horrible for his family. Doesn't sound to me like this guy learns any lessons at all. He just does whatever the fuck he wants. Kind of like he doesn't want her to leave him, so he isn't going to tell her he cheated on her in prison.

Classy. Wish I had that guy.

Tell her? Because... that would make her feel all nice inside to know that after 3 years of raising kids by herself, putting up with her family telling her to dump the guy, being ostracized at work, etc., really, she'll think it was all worth it because, gosh!, he's _honest_ about having sex with a guy in jail.

@4- and several others- seem to be treating this as an either or- either he's gay and in denial or not- he's not defending his congressional voting record by making life hell for anyone less than straight but the kinsey scale is jsut that- a scale. maybe he's mostly straight but not entirely like lots of other people- there are lots of people that fluctuate near the middle of the spectrum and end up in hetero relationships... life doesn't have to be so black and white.

As for telling the wife- I say this is one case where DADT should be the rule- if she asks, tell the truth otherwise politely break it off with the cell mate and be thankful that the marraige is strong enough to put this behind them.

@14

Nice addendum. If there is a possibility, then you can tell her. Just to cover your ass some more. It's all about you. Fuck her.

She waited three fucking years for him to get out of prison. He couldn't wait three years to have sexual contact with a person--and by person--his fucking wife?

@4,

For a straight man sent to prison, the amount of time that passes between the cell doors slammin' and the ham slammin' is about three minutes.

NBC's The More You Know *twinkle*

@15 - "As long as she doesn't know, and nobody gets hurt, everything is fine, right? With that logic, we can excuse all of the mistakes we made in our past that we got away with. Unfortunately, the only time you truly learn from mistakes is when you pay for them."

Except that it's not just him who will pay for the mistake - it's her who will be paying, as will his children. This isn't about excusing his mistake; what he did was clearly dumb and irresponsible. But, given that he's already made it, what good could possibly come out of confessing to such a thing if she will never find out? All it will do is cause her pain that she would otherwise never feel.

If he "needs to pay", his penance would best be done in a private fashion that would not cause pointless distress and harm to his family.

@21

She's already paid. For three years. For the embarrassment of her husband going to prison. Instead of dumping his ass, she stood by his side and waited. And he cheated on her. This isn't about causing more pain, this is about kicking this dude out of her fucking life now. It will be better for her to deal with the extra pain now then to deal with all of the pain that is soon to come.

I'm really surprised you don't see this guy as a problem. He acts on a financial crime that lands him 3 years in prison. Then he cheats on his wife in prison. She has a right to know that while she was waiting for him to come home, he was getting sucked off by another criminal. It won't feel good, duh, but it will hopefully open her eyes and make her change the locks on the door.

Private fashion? Explain.

Can't HIV be undetectable for years after infection? He is under an OBLIGATION to tell his wife, especially if he really loves her. Now, odds are that he is free and clear, and she might work through it with him. Or, she might cut him off from sex, which may or may not end the relationship, but it's HER perogitive at that point.

Certain STDs (e.g. HPV) cannot be tested for on a man. But are certainly passable to a woman. Nice guy.

My vote is for telling the truth, but if he doesn't, I hope that the guilt will feel like another prison sentence.

"Insert Camus quote here."

I'm with number #4. Professional male, finance crime = (probably) Federal prison. I bet it's not the day camp some people make it out to be, but still, he basically had a boyfriend, or at least a steady hook-up, in prison for the last 3 years.

I'm not the expert here, but kinda sounds like once the novelty of being home wears off, he's going to go looking for something on the DL. Maybe he doesn't tell the wife about his liaison, but I don't think a dismissive "what happens in prison, stays in prison" attitude is justified in this circumstance either.

Agree w/ Mr. Poe wholeheartedly. This selfish asshole's wife has a right to know who the hell she's really married to.

@22 - So you think he should confess because he will only fuck up again and cause her pain in other ways later? If he specifically sees himself doing shitty things to his wife in the future, then maybe he should confess, but I'm not necessarily convinced he will do that. I'm saying he should strive to do what will cause the least harm to others, and that would involve (1) never again doing anything more like this to harm his family, and (2) not telling her the things she don't need to know about the past. I'm assuming that he's capable of (1).

As for private penance? Hey, I don't know. That's for him to work out, if the guilt is that hard for him to bear.

NO! Don't tell! And don't ever ever ever let it slip, make a mistake that leads her to finding out or talk in your sleep about it. Telling her would be a selfish way of making yourself feel like you have owned up and cleared your past while hurting her for no reason.

Agree with Mr Poe. Disagree with Dan. Paying back a loyal gal with lies and deceit sucks ass on all counts. If the guy didn't want to face the consequences of possibly having to tell his wife, he should have kept his dick to himself while in prison. His affair in prison is obviously weighing on his conscience, otherwise he would not have written this letter to Dan. If it's bothering him now, will those guilty feelings simply evaporate over time, as long as his wife remains in the dark? I doubt it. We all know what suppressing guilty feelings (esp. regarding sexual indiscretions) does to people in the long run - just check out the Republican party. Suppressing his guilt now by essentially lying to his wife could possibly cause him to act in self-destructive ways later, perhaps sabotaging the very relationship he's trying to save. Just be honest, fool. You did wrong. Twice. Your loyal wife has a right to know. She has the right to decide if she wants to stay with you. She has a right to know all the facts, unpleasant as they may be. You are her husband and she trusted you. She's an adult, not a child and you should not treat her like one by shielding her from the truth. To do so is disrespectful, and respect is something you should be doling out to her by the bucketfuls right about now. The guy might want to handle this differently with his children of course, but that is something for both he and his wife to decide together.

hmm...

he should tell because it should be her choice how to respond to this. she did not make him cheat -- he did it all on his own.

so who is harmed if he doesn't tell? she is harmed. she is robbed of her choice in the matter. and an injustice is no less just if no one knows about it.

plus, this guy's all, "the details of the relationship are unimportant..." no wonder he doesn't want to tell her. he won't even tell the person he's asking for advice.

the details might be important, but he likes to make the decisions. well, i hope she figures this out and starts making some of her own. it would be nice if he at least gave her the all the information she needed in order to do so.

You are still missing my entire point. I'll make one more attempt.

"So you think he should confess because he will only fuck up again and cause her pain in other ways later?"

Uh, yeah.

"If he specifically sees himself doing shitty things to his wife in the future, then maybe he should confess..."

Nice.

"As for private penance? Hey, I don't know. That's for him to work out, if the guilt is that hard for him to bear."

This isn't about his guilt. And why suggest something 'you don't know'? This is about her. All of this is about her. Clearly, this asshole has only been thinking about him. I haven't even started discussing the children. I shouldn't have to discuss the children. This should be so fucking obvious.

The right thing to do would be to tell her. The right thing to do would be not to explain that he will strive to never make (both of) these mistakes again. The right thing to do would be to show her he will never make these mistakes again. After telling her what he has done, coming clean, and receiving whatever mercy she has left. If she doesn't have any, go her. Get the fuck out, girl. She's better than he is, and she deserves someone better than him. He deserves a door in the face and kick in the ass.

Done.

*#32 @ #28

What I want to know is, how do you get a job as a professional male?

Cause I missed that one at career orientation day.

@31 - "so who is harmed if he doesn't tell? she is harmed. she is robbed of her choice in the matter. and an injustice is no less just if no one knows about it."

It's a choice one often doesn't want to be put in the position of making. I'll say this: If my girlfriend/fiancee/wife had an affair she regretted that I would never find out about, that resulted in no health risks to me, and that really did represent a one-time occurence and not a pattern of behavior, I don't feel that I would gain anything whatsoever from her confession. She would be offering it up for her sake, not mine.

I agree with a lot of commenters here: this letter is fake. What did she think he was doing for three years, anyway?

oh, and all kidding aside, I don't think a spouse or bf/gf has to tell their spouse/partner if they've been raped or participated in consensual sex while imprisoned.

It would be nice if eventually they did say so, but one should never expect it.

One should expect they get tested - and tell you if they ended up catching something. Putting you at risk ... well, if they got tested ASAP and then retested in six months, that's being reasonably prudent.

sbwlf @ 24: not sure where you get the idea that HPV cannot be tested for, but that's incorrect.

I'm curious as to what other STDs you think can't be tested for, cause I'm guessing you might be wrong on those also.

see for example:

http://www.labtestsonline.org/understanding/analytes/hpv/test.html

where:

"doctors will test men who fall into a high-risk category. Men who have sex with men and those who have HIV may be tested for HPV. Evaluating the risk of HPV-related diseases of the anal canal in men is becoming more common."

tsm said:
"I'll say this: If my girlfriend/fiancee/wife had an affair she regretted that I would never find out about, that resulted in no health risks to me, and that really did represent a one-time occurence and not a pattern of behavior, I don't feel that I would gain anything whatsoever from her confession. She would be offering it up for her sake, not mine."

That's a lot of IFs, tsm.

Also, it's my impression that to the people who still believe in marriage there is supposed to be no separate "I" and "You" after the "I do." Aren't they supposed to be one, or whatever? I could be wrong, I don't know shit about marriage, but the whole 'her sake' vs' 'my sake' statement sorta flies in the face of the idea that if one marriage partner is hurting in such a manner that endangers the very relationship, then both of them are hurting.
I believe the wife has a right to know.

dammit! /B! /B!

sorry about the uncontrolled bold. i don't mean to shout.

Dan's right. Mr Poe is wrong. Sometimes the truth doesn't just hurt, it's downright lethal. I've never even visited a prison, so I can just imagine the stress, pressure, and trauma of being incarcerated. I am a big old fag, but if I were locked up for 3 years with a woman, I just might seek comfort in her arms.

Yeah, he needs to keep his mouth shut. He's done enough damage to his wife and family.

And yes, he does need to respond to his prison BF, but probably only once. The response should be something like - you helped me through that experience with some tenderness and companionship and thank you forever but our relationship was prison-imposed and it would have never transpired on the outside. I have a wife and family whom I love and adore and everything about life in prison is now history. All the best.

All the people saying "Tell her" just want the guy to be punished, and aren't thinking of the wife. She already knows the character of the person to whom she's married. She's stood by the guy for three years of a prison sentence! You think she's going to dump him for a prison affair? You're being ridiculous. Knowledge of this affair isn't going to help her in any way; it's just going to cause her and her family more grief. Dan is right.

Its none of her damn business.

cellmate will totally look for him. and then things will get ugly.

no tell - no tell - no tell

getting married does not strip us of our secrets, sorry for all you romantics

I have been in prison - and it is a terrible place. From the outside, you will never understand.

She could never understand, the lover perhaps saved his life and his sanity

No tell - and the silly twit who says it is about his wife's VAGINA, oh God lady are you one dim light.

Uh, no. The people saying tell her are, I bet, putting themselves in the wife's shoes and saying tell her for HER sake.

Everything everyone else said about taking choices away from someone else, etc. -- dead on. I'll never understand the Official Dan Position on stuff like this.

Why did he write this letter?

I think if he was OK with don't ask, don't tell, he wouldn't need to ask for advice.

The bind he's in is that he does want to ask. He wants to have the conversation where he asks her what she did with herself for three years, and then of course she will ask him the same question.

The reason he's asking permission to lie about it is that he thinks he can get a special dispensation because he had a gay affair in prison.

Which he can't have. If he wants permission to let sleeping dogs lie, then he should assume she fucked somebody and he never gets to ask. If he thinks he is entitled to the whole truth from her, then he owes her the same.

In some ideal world, not bourne out by the letter writers details, he might disclose to his wife and the two of them might "process" the material and become closer. This seems unlikely, so until they are both more evolved he should keep it to himself. Without too much second guessing, confessions tend to be made to allieviate guilt and are thus a cheap way out. The cellmate likely knows the score and wants something. This could easily lead to blackmail. Frankly, the wife probably suspects as well but doesn't want to know or else she would have asked. Even in a good marriage, individuals have a right to withhold certain information at least by omission. Direct lies of commision are more problematic. If confronted, the shit has hit the fan so he would be advised to say "its something I'm not comfortable talking about right now. Let's get into counseling." And yes as 47 points out, I suspect most of the commenters, have never been in a survival situation such as prison and are thus able to make glib high and mighty pronouncements. no empathy there. 49 has a good point as well.

Dan, you are right on this.

UNLESS the other man tries to blackmail him - then I think he is going to have to come clean.

This is a toughie. I'm trying to find out how telling the wife will make things better.

I'm sure she doesn't want to know.

In agreement with Dan.

I completely stand by my statement earlier @2, even after reading all these comments... That guy is scum, and his wife is better off without him. He should tell her so she has a fighting chance at a life with a man who loves her enough to keep his promises to her.

This is absolutely ridiculous. People are trying to excuse what he did because he was in prison. HE was the one who knowingly committed a crime. His incarceration is his fault, no one else's. His wife has the right to make an informed decision on whether or not this man deserves to be in her life. And it is possible for HIV to be undetected by STD screening tests in the very early stages, so he needs to get multiple tests over the next few months. And did he not even have the decency to use a condom? This man is absolute scum.

Dan's right, Poe's wrong.

(1) Total honesty is not always the compassionate route in a marriage. Sorry, but it's true.

(2) Lots of people here seem to want to punish the dude and annul the marriage because of his infidelity. I've never cheated on my wife, but I've seen enough marriages to know that different people have different requirements and expectations in their partners. All of you who are speaking for the wife don't know her or what she thinks.

(3) Very few of us on this slog understand what it's like to be incarcerated for years. Throw this guy some slack. If he had been incarcerated on a drug charge instead of a "white collar crime", you'd all be a lot kinder...

Kayleen @ 55: "did he not even have the decency to use a condom?"

You are joking, right?

He was in prison. In the US.

Poe is right! I'm married to my best friend and and our relationship is based on trust. Even if that trust is broken you work through things. If you can't be who you really are with the person you are most intimate with you end up having a guy like Senator Craig as a husband! I'd rather know and deal than have this huge lingering secret hanging over our relationship.

When this thread started I was basically ambivalent. I could see why he ought to tell her (the Poe side) and I could understand why maybe he shouldn't tell her (the Dan side).

56 posts into and the Poe side has convinced me that the Dan side is absolutely right and he should never breathe a word of it, even if she asks.

Although Poe makes a reasonable case, many of the "he should tell her" tribe are incredibly judgmental, moralistic, and, frankly, dumb. If his wife had even a fraction of these traits, it would be insane to tell her.

wow.

i just realized from all these comments that the only reason i read savage love is for the sheer fuckig joy of condeming everyone else to the hell of the own existence and thereafter feeling absolutely tits about my own life.

i hope y'all never have children, because unlike jailbird's wee ones, they are going to be subjected to a marathon of shame for the sake of yer preshissly ethically sound egos.

If I was his wife I would want to know. She stuck with him, he owes her honesty in the least.

Wow. Are most people liars in their relationships with people??? I don't know. Maybe that's why all of you have relationships and I don't??? Could be! Maybe I should lie more often.

First of all, I don't blame the guy for getting a little action in prison, and I wouldn't blame the wife for getting a little action while he was locked up for 3 years. With luck, this couple feels the same way and has the good sense to (a) not ask, and (b) not to care.

Was it the best way to go? Probably not, but people need to fuck. This guy should hedge it: "Honey, life in prison was terrible and I did things I'm not proud of. I'm sure it must have been terrible for you too. I love you and I hope you still love me." blah blah.

If she's got half a brain, she'll read this as: "I fucked around in prison. Maybe you fucked around too. I don't care if you did and I hope you can forgive me and we can move on with life."

If she's stupid, she'll ask "What kinds of things?" and then he has to be honest. I think tipping the hat without completely tipping his hand is a compromise between honor and discretion that is most likely to work.

As far as the cellmate goes, send him a "dear John" letter. Don't just blow him off.

ditto on 59 and same thing to everyone judging him of having committed a financial crime. Chances are it was part of a larger conspiracy. Chances are he knows he made a mistake. And chances are he did it because he wanted to support and provide the most comfortable life he could for his wife and child

Say not a word to the wife. He's feeling guilty. He wants absolution.

That's ok. The problem is, he's looking for absolution from the one person on planet earth who it will potentially hurt more than anyone else to be even asked for it.

Don't do it.

Has the wife asked if anything happened? If she has not - I guarantee she worried about it. The fact she has not asked is all he needs to know. Let it be unspoken. If she asks, do the decent thing: LIE.

It's over. You're home. Most prison sentences are a death sentence for a marriage. Don't let yours be one too - especially now that you're home and you have a chance to make it work.

Let it go.

Don't burden your wife and your marriage with this.

You're absolved. Let it go.

Frankly, I bet his wife doesn't want to know. She probably has an idea of what sort of sexual things go on in prison- rape, consensual- whatever. I bet she has blocked the possibilities out of her mind. One day she may broach the subject with him out of curiosity though.

It's sounds noble to say that he must tell his spouse all, but probably no married couple on earth, whether successfully married or not, actually lives by that principle. Married couples keep secrets from each other all the time.
If it comes up, his best bet is simply to say something like, "Honey, it was Prison".
And it's a good bet she was boinking the mailman, too. These two are probably only together for the sake of the kids at this point.

And what does it matter how he came to be in jail? There seem to be quite a few readers who are eager to add to his punishment.

If it was a consensual relationship, then our boy was the top, and the odds are good that his partner from jail has a pretty deep attachment to him. Our boy owes it to him to let his former jail lover down gently, and let him know that it's over.
Anybody that announces that their relationship is "built on trust" actually means the opposite. Genuine trust isn't founded on full reporting but acceptance.