I enjoy a humongous bong hit as much as the next emotionally conflicted honky writer, but judging from today’s news reports, drugs are nothing but trouble.

The first story is the stupidest, involving a man from Tampa who reportedly purchased some crack, but was unsure if he’d gotten “the real thing.” His solution: Consult some nearby police officers. Full stupid story here.

The second story involves officers as well. This time they were sheriff’s deputies from Omaha’s Sarpy County, and the drug in question was crystal meth, which the deputies reportedly found laced in their food at an “area restaurant.” (I love an area restaurant!) According to Sarpy County’s KPTM News, two of the three officers dining at the restaurant were in uniform at the time of the suspected poisoning, and all are fine now. Authorities continue to search for the food-tainting tweaker whose contempt for cops somehow overrode his or her need to ingest every fleck of meth they can get their hands on. Full story here.

Finally we land in the world of legal drugs, thanks to the ongoing discovery of insulting judgments found printed on Walgreen’s prescription receipts. From the manic-depressive woman who found herself labelled a crazy psycho to the undiagnosed mother-of-three labelled “a bitch,” Walgreens has offended a number of Florida customers with such insulting editorializing on their drug utilization reviews (those info sheets that get stapled to bags of prescription meds). Full story, as always, here.

In closing, please enjoy this photo of a man with a dolphin head preparing to do heroin.