Yeah, I’m the new visual art editor (I’m told the official title is Visual Art Editor). At least we think I am. But on to something about which I am not a miserable knownothing, and that is the house tour my partner and I went on this weekend with our smashing German realtor.

1. Lesbian Kingdom, Renton Ave. Parade of bare-breasted Amazons and goddesses: welcome distraction from dilapidated dullhouse in dim neighborhood.

2. Swamp country at the base of Madison Valley. Really. But a plump blue parrot named Alex almost made up for it. He has his own bedroom. (I hope he doesn’t have to share in the new place.)

3. We sort of liked the bloodstained carpets, the holes in the walls and the dirty doors. It was the `80s renovation in this Central District “charmer” that scared us. Oh, the fixtures.

4. I’m calling you out, 6224 Seventh Ave. N.W. You were cute. You were in a good location. But you turned out to be a big fat liar. You only have one bedroom, not two. You bring shame upon the listings.

5. Chicken-wire closet drawers. Chunks mysteriously missing from every wood floor. Wildly unmatching linoleum on all other surfaces. Scary raggedy dolls (is low-budget staging really a good idea?). Growling neighbor (human).

It hurts.