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Wednesday, July 6, 2005

Savage + Dave Zabriskie = Tainted Love?

Posted by on July 6 at 8:05 AM

My esteemed colleague Dan Savage has noted his affection for Tour de France cyclist Dave Zabriskie, whom Dan describes as a “hottie” (see Tuesday, 5:30 pm).

As it happens, Dan’s cycle-stud crush appears to maintian a web site,, on which the American racer describes, among other things, the proper care of one’s “taint” while riding a bicycle across, say, the country of France.

An often overlooked part of being a healthy and fast cyclist is the taint. The taint is the part of your body that contacts your saddle. I believe the name was derived from the taint not being the parts that are well know by name: as in it taint that and it sure taint those! If you cant comfortably sit on the saddle you taint gonna be able to ride your bike very far. This can negativly effect training and racing, so one must keep this area well main-taint-ed. There are three simple concepts to accept and follow: Cleanliness, Lubrication and Dryness. Trust me all of this was learned by experience! Here are the steps to follow…

To give a brief preview, the steps involve a razor, a hair-drier, a mirror, chamois cream, and the possibility of “butt butter.” Click here and scroll down to the section titled “MAIN - TAINT - ANCE” for more details, if you dare.

Returning to the subject of Dan’s crush, and his fervent advocacy of “seat cams” as a way of making the Tour de France more exciting to watch on television, one wonders: What did Dan Savage know about MAIN - TAINT - ANCE, and when did he know it?