1. How come in sports we say "DE-fense" and "DE-fensive," but in every other context we say "de-FENSE" and "de-FENSE-ive"? What is the answer? This has been bothering me for weeks now.
2. Here is a question my friend posed to me the other month: How come sometimes on an old-timey Looney Tunes, all of a sudden a character will show up with a GIANT fur coat and a TINY ukelele? That has to signify something to somebody (Grandma Winnie? Can you read blogs in heaven?), but it means nothing to me. WHAT does big-fur-coat-with-tiny-ukelele MEAN!?
Case in point (minute 4:35):
3. "Dessert"? Really? Oats & Beef?
I thought you Sloggers might know the answers to these questions. Because I know you luuuuv knowing stuff. Thanks in advance!
Jedi Master Jonba Hehol - known to family and friends as Barney Jones, 36, of Holyhead - was giving a TV interview in his back garden for a documentary when a man, dressed in a black bin-bag and wearing Darth Vader's trademark shiny black helmet, leapt over his garden fence.
Wielding a metal crutch - his lightsaber presumably being in for repairs - the Sith Lord proceeded to lay about his opponent, whose Jedi powers proved inadequate for the task of defending himself.
This is one of my favorite news stories of all time. The photo accompanying the piece is priceless, too. Hopefully, within a week, it will be my favorite YouTube video of all time, too.
Remember the man whose girlfriend sat on the toilet of their mobile home so long her skin grafted to the seat and required surgical removal? The man charged last week with misdemeanor mistreatment of a dependent adult for allowing his girlfriend to sit on the toilet of their mobile home so long her skin grafted to the seat and required surgical removal?
He's been arrested again—this time for allegedly exposing his junk to a neighbor's teenage daughter and her friends.
??!!
Just Let the Terrorists Try to Steal Our Dreams!
posted by Paul Constant on March 27 at 5:19 PM
Via Warren Ellis: The Quantum Sleeper, The world's first terrorist-proof bed! It's bulletproof, comes with a rebreather and toilet system, and is perfect for sleeping off biological warfare. It's apparently not available yet, but they estimate that it'll cost about $135,000. Says the website:
It can also be fitted to provide protection from destructive forces of nature such as tornados, hurricanes, earthquakes and floods.
The Quantum Sleeper is the ultimate in protection, entertainment and communications, “ ALL ROLLED UP IN ONE”.
With this unit you don't have to run to a "Safe Room", you're already in it.
I was thinking that this might be a hoax, and I guess it might still be, but here's the Google Patent Page.
Seattle Children's Theater just announced its next season, which includes productions of The Wizard of Oz, A Tale of Two Cities, and Night of the Living Dead.
Need something to do this weekend? Why not go to the Spring Fairy Festival, down in Tacoma? It's on Saturday, March 29th, from noon to ten pm, it costs 20 bucks for adults, and 12 bucks for kids five and over. It's a place for fairies and fairy-friendly people to celebrate spring. (It's unclear whether the organizers actively disdain the spelling 'faerie,' or if they just prefer the traditional spelling.)
After paying the cover, all events--including music, dancers, a costume contest, face painting, "fairyokee," and a "Fairy Ball with DJ"--are totally free. As 'Otter' says, in the comments to the Spring Fairy Festival announcement:
I and mine have been attending FaerieWorlds festival since they came to the great NW. And these past few years I, and many others, have been wanting something along those lines near to home. You have made many wishes come true. I hope you all are ready for the true strength and numbers of the local Fey.
Kelly O gave me this shirt a while back, but I'm wearing it for the first time today because I found it at the bottom of my drawer. We're really curious as to what it says. Does anyone in SLogLand read cursive Hebrew/Arabic/Aramaic or whatever it is?
And yes, I changed shirts to take the picture. I'm modest.
Craving a Carrot-Top Sandwich: California couple uses Craigslist to solicit the unthinkable. (And may be the most ironic couple in the western hemisphere--I'm glad they found each other, and pray they don't find Carrot Top.)
Speaking of Craigslist: A man in Kenmore, WA is selling his convection oven to help fund his son's circumcision. (Fifty bucks says the kid would prefer cupcakes to a wang-trim.)
And Finally, Let This Be a Lesson to Us All: The boyfriend of the lady whose infected skin grew over the toilet seat she didn't vacate for two years has been charged with mistreatment of a dependent adult.
Thank you, Defamer, Slog tipper Matthew, and ABC News, respectively.
A bandit-infested region of India is trying to persuade men to undergo sterilisation by offering to fast-track their gun licence applications, an official said on Tuesday.
Officials in central Madhya Pradesh state's Shivpuri district decided to adopt the policy -- already tried out by some neighbouring states -- to increase the low vascectomy rate.
"I came to know that it had to do with their perceived notion of manliness," said Manish Shrivastav, administrative chief of Shivpuri district, part of the Indian Chambal region, which is famed for its lawlessness and bandits.
"I then decided to match it with a bigger symbol of manliness -- a gun licence," he said. "And the ploy worked."
Last year only 8 men in the Shivpuri district went under the knife. This year so far, over 150 have--with another 100 expected by month's end.
Slog would like to thank me for being here today. I would have posted more, but I'm busybusybusy and unoriginalunoriginalunoriginal, and I'm sorry. (Not for you, for me.) I am way too awesome for this... this "work" nonsense.
Anyway, thanks for shoving your tongue up my ass and/or making fun of me. It was fun, but this fun must end. If you ever see me around town, say hi. I'm not scary. I promise. I look like this:
Don't be shy. And if you're pictured anywhere in this post, you pretty much have a 100% chance of fucking me. Up the ass. Or in the face. Or just spray it all over. I'm GGG. Whatevz.
posted by Christopher Frizzelle on March 12 at 11:24 PM
A letter to the editor, received at 10:42 pm:
To every person in America who considers himself or
herself to be a journalist:
I would like to point out to you that ALL PEOPLE HAVE GENITALS. For some reason, journalists seem to find this piece of information to be sensational. It's NOT. Anybody who works in the medical field in any capacity will say that after a while, genitals are about as exciting as elbows and kneecaps. I honestly don't care what other people do with their genitals. When my daughter had surgery several years ago, it would not have occurred to me to ask her surgeon, "What do you do with your penis when you're not in the operating room?" When I get on the bus to go to work, I don't ask the driver, "What did you do with your genitals last night?" Journalists who are obsessed with the sex lives of celebrities are perverts. Normal people don't spend all day obssessing about other people's genitals. That is just warped.
Signed, I'm just trying to be normal in this sick fucking place
To anyone who's been wondering why I've been MIA in the last few months—on Slog, from their shows, from events—it's because I have had the worst winter ever.
It's getting so ridiculous that I feel I have to explain.
Since January 1, I have had a stomach flu (four days, one trip to the hospital), two colds (one worse than the other, six days total), food poisoning (brief but eventful, one day), and, now, for the past four days, a monster flu with an unmoving fever of 101.5. I've noticed that it looks like nice weather outside—during the 8 or so hours I've been awake since Sunday.
My friend brought back this "MEN'S EXTREME" lip balm (for "water in lip") from China:
We were relieved to discover that it's "INSPECTION-FREE."
Because when you're cruising the highways on your sweet X-treme man-cycle, you don't want to risk moisturizing with one of those NON-lead-poison-containin' lip balms. Inspection-free moisture. That's China's promise to you.
My Little Pony meets Bratz. The result of this hellish doll-on-horse union? Strutz, the first children's toy that will make you question everything you ever thought you knew about ponies.
Meet Sydney, the tousle-haired, pink-platform-loving Aussie...
... Rio, the busty Latina with a wild streak:
... And Milan, the sultry, mysterious Asiatic hottie:
Platform heels and horses should not even be together in the same sentence, much less in the same toy.
Did you know the only astrological voting blocs in the U.S. Senate to vote the right way on Sen. Chris Dodd's amendment to strike telecom immunity from the FISA bill were Scorpio and Libra?
That's right: Sens. Joseph Biden, Barbara Boxer, Sherrod Brown, Robert Byrd, Dick Durbin, Tom Harkin, and Jack Reed outvoted their fellow Scorpios in the U.S. Senate, Sens. Jim Bunning, Saxby Chambliss, James Inhofe, Mel Martinez, and Ted Stevens,7-5 on Dodd's amendment. And U.S. Senate Libras: Sens. Jeff Bingaman, Maria Cantwell, Ben Cardin, Patty Murray, and Sheldon Whitehouse outvoted their fellow U.S. Senate Libras, Chuck Hagel, Blanche Lincoln, and Bill Nelson, 5-3.
How do I know this?
Because the Washington Post's handy vote tracker, in addition to breaking down votes by Party, State, Region, Gender, and Age—also breaks it down by star sign.???
posted by Paul Constant on February 26 at 12:38 PM
First, two years ago, came this thread that posited Garfield could actually be funny if you removed Garfield's thought balloons:
Now, there's this blog that removes Garfield entirely from Garfield, making it a "comic about schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and the empty desperation of modern life":
And there's also Lasagna Cat, which adds real life, music, and some high-class editing to Garfield and is also very funny.
Does this mean that Jim Davis is, in some way, funny?
On a kid's TV Network in Canada, alongside commercials for Bratz, Bionicles, and CHAOTIC (some kind of card game--I have no idea), they're showing this:
It's a funny commercial--you know, because they say 'pee.' But the positioning is a little odd, no? The target demographic for the show that was on couldn't have been much more than 13.
??!!
At Last, My Boutrous Boutrous Ghali Costume is Relevant Again!
posted by Paul Constant on February 15 at 3:55 PM
If you don't have any plans for this weekend but you do have a King Tut costume gathering dust in your closet, this might be just the thing for you. The Guerrilla Masquerade Party (Seattle Chapter) is hosting a celebration, World Leader Pretend, this Saturday at Sunset Bowl, starting at 9 pm.
The history of the world has been full of crazy queens, powerful presidents, and charismatic cult leaders. There have been good, bad, and downright awful men and women who have held positions of power, probably for as long as humans have been walking the earth. Now's your chance to masquerade as one of them for a night!
Politicians and Monarchs will surely be present, so you can hobnob with Hamilton, visit with Victoria, converse with Khrushchev, or pick up on Prince Harry. This may be your chance to buy Boris III a beer, make eyes at Mussolini, or cuddle with Kim Jong-il.
And world leaders come in other varieties... like religious leaders. You could parade as a Pope, dress up as the Dalai Lama, or make believe you're Charles Manson.
This is also an opportunity for the Abraham Lincolns of this past Tuesday to get the band back together one last time before Halloween. I'm not going--got plays to review, don't'cha know--but if you do go, and somebody actually shows up dressed as Adolf Hitler, please hit him (or her) once for me.
Remember back in the days of word-processing, when the Home key was a powerful, powerful thing? Not only would it take you to the top of your document, it also would sometimes mysteriously crash the entire machine.
Today, the Home key does absolutely nothing that I can figure out. When I press my Home key, nothing happens. Is the Home key a vestigial part of the keyboard, about to be phased out? If so, RIP, Home key. Some of us do remember you.
posted by Bradley Steinbacher on February 13 at 9:56 AM
This should make flipping through People in the checkout line an adventure:
Madison Avenue thinks a tasty approach will give new life to Welch's grape juice.
Welch's is taking out full-page print ads in People magazine this month that give readers a chance to sample its grape juice by licking the ad. The front of the advertisement shows a huge bottle of the juice, while the back has a strip that peels up and off, with text that reads: "For a TASTY fact, remove & LICK."
posted by David Schmader on February 11 at 12:39 PM
2008 is the Year of the Rat, and to celebrate, swanky children's clothier Flora & Henri is playfully incorporating rats into their downtown Seattle window displays.
Because nothing says "buy a $200 cashmere sweater for your toddler to outgrow in minutes!" like a humongousratgnawing on a baby's foot.
posted by Bradley Steinbacher on January 29 at 2:58 PM
With all this talk of politics, more politics, and the gayest argument known to man currently filling up Slog, I hereby submit this for your viewing pleasure.
This troubling item comes to us courtesy of News Channel 7--FIRST in South Carolina to broadcast in high definition.
A Spartanburg mother is accused of stabbing her son several times Christmas morning, but her son is the person facing charges. City police say it appears the mother, 45-year-old Tammy Jones, stabbed her son because he urinated on her while she slept in her bed.
21-year-old Michael Anthony Carson, nicknamed Pooh Bear, is charged with aggravated assault and battery. Police arrested him at his mother's home on Wednesday.
City police say Jones stabbed her son six times with a butcher knife. He suffered wounds to his shoulder, calf, and chest. Witnesses in the house heard Jones say "why did you pee on me Pooh Bear?" A few moments later, the witness heard the son say "Mama you done stabbed me."
