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Friday, June 13, 2008

Hulk Smash Puny Slog, Part 4

posted by on June 13 at 12:22 PM

Hulk Fact!

There was a Hulk doll released in the U.K. that was anatomically correct.


ENGLAND-- Shocked six-year-old Leah Lowland checked out a mystery bulge on her Incredible Hulk doll — and uncovered a giant green WILLY.

Curious Leah noticed a lump after winning the monster, catchphrase “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,” at a seaside fair.

And when she peeled off the green comic-book character’s ripped purple shorts, she found the two-inch manhood beneath them.

Horrified Leah immediately ran to mum Kim and reported the find. And last night Kim called for a ban on the saucy toy. She said: “A hulk with a bulk like this just shouldn’t be allowed.

“Considering the doll is only 12-inches tall it’s amazing how big his willy is.

“And it’s definitely not an extra piece of material left on by mistake.”

The full report is here.

Via I-mockery, which has a lovely gallery of hideous Hulk stuffed animals that must be seen to be believed.

Hulk Smash Puny Slog, Part 3

posted by on June 13 at 12:00 PM

Hulk Fact!

One of the best Hulk comics ever is by James Kochalka, and it's only four pages long!

Here's the first page:


You can find the rest of the story here.

Bonus Hulk Fact!

Kochalka once pitched an idea of a super-hero group called The Hulk Squad. The Hulk Squad was a bunch of multi-colored clones of the Hulk. They would fight crime together. Or they'd fight each other. Or something. But, who cares! Multi-colored clones of the Hulk! My favorite, after the original green flavor, is the blue one.

Hulk Smash Puny Slog, Part 2

posted by on June 13 at 11:00 AM

Hulk Fact!

Did you know that one of the Hulk's deadliest foes is named The Bi-Beast? It's true!


According to The Immortal Thor fansite, the Bi-Beast is a citizen of the "City of the Bird-People," and that the very sad Bi-Beast doesn't have any relatives, but

the Bi-Beasts two heads, each possessing a separate intellect, address each other as "skull brother"

It's unknown if the Bi-Beast will still have two heads when he gets out of college.

Hulk Smash Puny Slog

posted by on June 13 at 10:44 AM

Hulk Fact!

Did you know that the Hulk's alter ego, Bruce Banner, was nearly raped in a YMCA shower in a 1980s comic book? It's true:



For more information, see Cracked.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

President of Our Dreams

posted by on June 12 at 11:20 AM


Author Sheila Heti has been compiling people's dreams of Hillary Clinton, people's dreams of Barack Obama, and people's dreams of John McCain. And also dreams that feature two or more of them at the same time.

Now, she's had a dream analyst write a 52-page paper analyzing the 333 dreams, and it's available here.

Via The Elegant Variation.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Please Don't Make Me Go

posted by on June 6 at 3:26 PM

Strange Maps has a map of heaven up. It's too big to post here, but can be found here.

Apparently, Michael Jordan is already in heaven somehow. And there's America Land, where "every day is Memorial or Veteran's Day." Be sure to check out the Marital-Coitus Castle, which is over by the Catholic Section.

I would be so pissed if I died and woke up here.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

If You're Anywhere Near Kitsap Today...

posted by on May 25 at 3:44 PM

...feel free to investigate whether or not this Craigslist posting is legit: FREE EWOK HOUSE.


Assuming this isn't bullshit, 800 sq. feet of nerdy tree-house heaven could be yours for the price of a U-Haul truck rental. 800 sq. feet in that little thing? Really? Either way, George Lucas' cold heart, sadly, is not included.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

My Anus Would End Up on Top of My Head

posted by on May 24 at 4:21 PM


The ??!! category, defined.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Clinging to Their Guns and Steering Wheels

posted by on May 23 at 1:37 PM

First Brad's post about Clinton staying in the race just in case Obama gets gunned down, and now this:

A US car dealer has seen his sales soar after he launched a promotion offering customers a free handgun with every car.

Max Motors, a small car dealer in Butler, Missouri in the US Midwest, has seen sales quadruple since the introduction this week of a scheme offering customers either a $250 voucher for a gun or the alternative of a gas card.

Mark Muller, the owner of the dealership, said that he had sold more than 30 cars and trucks in the past three days but only two customers had opted for the gas card.

We did it because of Barack Obama," Mr Muller said, referring to the Democratic presidential hopeful. "He said all those people in the Midwest, you’ve got to have compassion for them because they’re clinging to their guns and their Bibles. I found that quite offensive.”

Good thing he's got "the best protection in the world."

Thanks to tipper NaFun.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Your One-Stop Shop for All Things Icelandic and Phallocentric

posted by on May 22 at 1:00 PM

The Icelandic Phallological Museum, which "contains a collection of over one hundred penises and penile parts belonging to almost all the land and sea mammals that can be found in Iceland. "


Via Bookshelves of Doom.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

“See women as trouble.”

posted by on May 21 at 1:01 PM

L.A. Magazine has a feature by a former Jack Sparrow impersonator who worked at Disneyland. There's not a lot here that's surprising, but it's entertaining enough. Women hit on Jack Sparrow and Tarzan--a buff guy wearing nothing but a loincloth--pretty continuously.

When I worked as a mall Easter Bunny many, many years ago, mothers would always be rubbing my crotch. I'm not sure why that is, but it was, for the most part, an acceptable extra bit of discomfort in a horrible, horrible job. But somebody who resembles Johnny Depp, rather unsurprisingly, gets a lot more than a little bunny rub:

Here’s a napkin someone wrote on for me: “I will give you a blow job on your break, so sexy! Kim—714-XXX-XXXX.”

Eventually, Jack gets fired for having a relationship with a mermaid. It's all very risque.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Currently Hanging

posted by on May 20 at 10:19 AM

This was in my back yard when I got home last night.


It can only mean one thing. The gremlins are coming.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

71st St Vs. Argentina: Graffiti Wars

posted by on May 15 at 2:56 PM

This is what passes for wall art just down my street:

("I just wanted the rush of putting something on this wall ... Coincidentally, I didn't get a rush - - - ain't that a bitch")

And this stop-motion video shows the wall art they get in Buenos Aires:

(Hat tip to Penny Arcade for the video link.)

"Is This Painting Racist?"

posted by on May 15 at 11:22 AM

This just in from Slog tipper Doug:

I'm cleaning out my closet this morning and came across this painting I made five years ago. It used to hang on a wall in my house until a friend of mine (a white male like myself) said, "Wow, that's really racist." Embarrassed, I took it down and stuck it in the back of a closet. But coming across it now, I'm still not sure: Is it really racist? I'm hoping the open-minded Slog community could help me out on this. Thanks.

Here are American Heritage Dictionary's definitions of racism:

1. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others. 2. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.

And here is the painting. (Safe for work.)

(My two cents: No, the painting isn't racist, though the exaggerated cartoon features give off a vaguely racist stink.)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Poland Is Watching You While You Sleep and Recording Your Dreamz

posted by on May 14 at 4:00 PM

So, the annual Pierogi Festival was this past Saturday, May 10, at the Polish Home on Capitol Hill. At the Pierogi Festival, I ate 14 pierogies (kraut & mushroom #1!), overheard an awkward conversation regarding traditional hats and "the Old Country," and was stamped on my right wrist with a blob of hot pink ink that read "YUM YUM!"

It is now Wednesday, May 14.
Here is a picture of my right wrist:


I have scrubbed the pink ink every day.* I have tried various soaps and abrasive Korean cloths and loofahs. The pink ink will not fade. My friends who were with me at the Pierogi Festival have reported the same stubborn YUM YUM spot**. Anyone else? WTF, Poland?

This leads me to three possible conclusions:

1. Using next-generation tiny ink molecule transmitter technology, the Poles got all up in my blood and are tracking my movements for their own sinister ends.

2. Using next-generation tiny ink molecule transmitter technology, the Poles got all up in my blood and are recording data on my likes and dislikes*** so they can get me a suuuuuper awesome Christmas present this year!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. It's just permanent ink. It takes a while to wash off. Calm the fuck down.

Anyone? Thoughts? Anyone?


Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Boeing Is Going To Solve the Gridlock Problem

posted by on May 7 at 1:47 PM

Using magical flying cars! (No need to worry about accidents--they're run by computers.)

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Re: Car and Driver

posted by on May 6 at 3:54 PM


In the face of this gas price tragedy, Americas are doing what they do best:

"Someone's making a lot of money and it's really, really wrong," added Twyman, who founded the Prayer at the Pump movement last week to seek help from a higher power to bring down fuel prices, because the powers in Washington haven't.

The half-dozen activists -- Twyman, a former Miss Washington DC, the owner of a small construction company and two volunteers at a local soup kitchen -- joined hands, bowed their heads and intoned a heartfelt prayer.

I thought it was a joke, but it looks like it's true.

"Lord, the prices at this pump have gone up since last week. We know that you are able, that you have all the power in the world," he prayed, before former beauty queen Rashida Jolley led the group in a modified version of the spiritual, "We Shall Overcome".

"We'll have lower gas prices, we'll have lower gas prices..." they sang.

Diet Coke and Mentos and the Blue Danube

posted by on May 6 at 8:50 AM

Here's a beautiful video—it's absolutely mesmerizing—of Mentos being dropped into bottles of Diet Coke. Another video, yes, but arresting. I've watched it three times and now I'm wondering...

Just what the fuck is in Diet Coke, or Mentos, or both, that causes this phenomenon? All the Diet-Coke-and-Mentos videos out there are cute and everything, but wouldn't the evidence on these videos indicate that there's something in Mentos or Diet Coke that renders those products unfit for human consumption? And has anyone ever tried—for science's sake—getting a test subject to chug Diet Coke and then down a handful of Mentos? And what happens then? Does the subject spout great arcs of brownish Diet Coke/Mentos foam? Or does the subect just... explode?

Damn. Too bad we don't have a public intern at the moment.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Ribbed for Her Plea… Oh, No. Oh, My God!

posted by on April 30 at 8:58 AM

This ribbed child’s toy, intended for straddling, is located at Miller Playfield.


Now, I’m not saying kids shouldn’t ever, well, do what most kids do. But they ought to learn not to do it in the middle of the park. That could rub people the wrong way, as it were. I guess that’s all I’m saying.

Monday, April 28, 2008

"I call this move the Cricket."

posted by on April 28 at 3:51 PM


When they're done taking kids away from polygamists in Texas, maybe the authorities could look into the parents that allowed this kid to post this video to YouTube. You can clearly hear an adult saying, "Go," at the start of the video. I don't know what you can hear—or see—at the end of the video because I was too scandalized to watch past the kid's post-Cricket, um, adjustments.

International Espionage Barbie

posted by on April 28 at 12:33 PM

While the U.S. freaks out about Iran nukes, Iran freaks out about U.S. dolls:

A top Iranian judiciary official warned Monday against the "destructive" cultural and social consequences of importing Barbie dolls and other Western toys.

Prosecutor General Ghorban Ali Dori Najafabadi said in an official letter to Vice President Parviz Davoudi that the Western toys was a "danger" that needed to be stopped.

"The irregular importation of such toys, which unfortunately arrive through unofficial sources and smuggling, is destructive culturally and a social danger," Najafabadi said in his letter, a copy of which was made available to The Associated Press.

Iranian markets have been inundated with smuggled Western toys in recent years partly due to a dramatic rise in purchasing power as a result of increased oil revenues.

While importing the toys is not necessarily illegal, it is discouraged by a government that made its name on preserving Iran from Western cultural influences.


This isn't the first time the anatomically challenged Barbie has gotten under Iran's skin:

Authorities launched a temporary campaign of confiscating Barbie from toy stores in 2002, denouncing the un-Islamic sensibilities of the iconic American doll. The campaign was eventually discontinued.

That same year, though, Iran introduced a competing doll — the twins Dara and Sara, who promoted traditional values with their modest clothing and pro-family stories but they proved unable to stem the Barbie tide.

The Day in WTF

posted by on April 28 at 11:09 AM

PETA--taking a break from having naked ladies shower together in Times Square to demonstrate, um, something--is offering a $2,000 reward for information that leads to the capture of whoever's been shooting downtown pigeons with blow darts.

Previous Stranger coverage of Pigeongate here and here.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Jem Is My Name

posted by on April 25 at 9:10 AM

Thanks, Slog tipper David. I needed that.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Dept. of Cute

posted by on April 24 at 2:08 PM

Forgive me, but: ARMLOAD OF BABY LIONS.

The Invasion Has Been Called Off

posted by on April 24 at 9:19 AM

Earlier this week, residents in Phoenix, AZ reported mysterious lights hovering in the sky. Was it aliens? And if so, were they the harmless aliens of Close Encounters, or the blast-happy E.T.s of Independence Day?


As it turns out, it was just a local idiot:

A Phoenix man says he caused the red light display that mystified thousands of people as it floated across the north Phoenix sky Monday night.

The man, who did not want to be identified, said he used fishing line to attach road flares to helium-filled balloons, then lit the flares and launched them a minute apart from his back yard. He said he believed turbulence created by a passing jet caused the balloons to move around.

Lino Mailo said he saw his next-door neighbor launch the balloons.

"I saw the guy releasing the balloons with the flares on them," Mailo said. "There is no doubt that they came from here."

He added, "I don't think it's a cool prank because it can panic people."

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

"Write any stupid comments you want... if you want to die."

posted by on April 22 at 3:28 PM

Well, it looks like George W. Bush won't be doing photo-ops with adorable African American kids for a while—wait, what am I saying? He only did those when he was running for president. Still, this gonna-kill-the-president video is a just a little intense—and a little illegal. And the kid is reading... right?

But go ahead and write a stupid comment, like the kid said, if you want to die. That's always been our comments policy.

Thanks to Slog tipper Scary Tyler Moore.

Butt Out

posted by on April 22 at 10:50 AM

Uh... man. This item in the Cabela's catalogue has been givng me nightmares since a neighbor "shared" it with me last year...


The Butt Out Tool is "the fastest, easiest way to disconnect the anal alimentary canal from deer or similar-sized game." (Emphasis added.) I suppose it's never too early to buy gifts for the serial killers on your Christmas list. Give 'em a Butt Out Tool and they'll "never go back to using a knife for this particular chore."

Horrifying. But, hey, at least they're not calling it the Deer-E-Ere anymore.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Man Shoots Self in Road Rage

posted by on April 21 at 4:35 PM

From the L.A. Times:

Police say a man accidentally shot himself in the stomach after waving his gun in anger at a fellow motorist in Tempe, Ariz... after Lopez shot himself he tried to evade police by driving away but crashed his car and was arrested as he fled on foot.

As long as the army's recruiting criminals, maybe it should pick up that guy. At least he's tough.

Or this lady, who is my new hero (watch for the sneak airbag attack):

And You Thought Mr. Right Was Hunted to Extinction

posted by on April 21 at 2:08 PM

He says he has a "squeeze fetish," but more than anything he seems to have an internet humiliation fetish.

Thank you, Slog tipper Matt Fuckin' Hickey. (And FYI: Both video and audio are SFW, but that doesn't mean it's not going to make you want to die.)

Commenter-Generated Audio Art

posted by on April 21 at 11:47 AM

Earlier this morning, Dan posted a report of some blood-curdling, dingo-ate-my-baby screaming that disturbed the sleep of a citizen last night near Denny and Olive Way.

In the comments to the post, JC wrote:

There's someone who lives in the Bonneville, across from Half Price Books, who screams out her window at all hours of the day. I made a recording of it once and posted it to YouTube.

JC wasn't kidding.

As JC writes, "We call her the Dolphin Lady." Does anyone know anything else about this beguiling screamstress?

Saturday, April 19, 2008

It's Snowing

posted by on April 19 at 4:20 PM

…on Capitol Hill right now. In April. The Seattle Times quotes a National Weather Service meteorologist saying, "It's schizophrenic weather. There was sun, it was dark and now there's snow. It's bipolar." Um, yes. Aren't crazy weather extremes a sign of climate change?

UPDATE: I note that the "Snow Sports" category is no longer available on Slog. I guess Slog has realized that instead of driving SUVs up to go snowboarding, we might want to be occupying ourselves with kissing our own asses goodbye.

An Open Letter to Snow

posted by on April 19 at 4:12 PM

It is motherfucking April already. Cut this shit out!

Friday, April 18, 2008

Two Very True Statements

posted by on April 18 at 11:51 AM

The first is from the Nalgene story that Eli linked to this morning:

If I was a fetus and my mother was using a plastic water bottle, I wouldn’t be bothered.”

and secondly, from Swampland, Vladimir Putin was asked about the rumors that he's secretly divorced his wife and is about to marry a very young gymnast lady. His response:

"I have always reacted negatively to those who with their snotty noses and erotic fantasies prowl into others' lives."

Slow 'Mos

posted by on April 18 at 8:03 AM

Andrew posted some extreme—dude!—slow-mo video of a water balloon being pricked with a pin. Which reminded me of this slow-mo masterpiece...

Thursday, April 17, 2008

"Boozy Russian Man Fails to Notice Knife in Back"

posted by on April 17 at 9:54 AM

Ah, Russia:

The newspapers Komsomolskaya Pravda and Gazeta both reported the case of a factory electrician in the town of Vologda, north of Moscow, who was stabbed by the building's security guard as they were having a drunken argument.

Passing out at the factory, the man, Yury Lyalin, 53, awoke the next morning and attempted to resume his work duties, but was sent home by his superiors due to his inebriated state. No one noticed the 15-centimetre (six-inch) blade stuck between his shoulders.

Lyalin took a meandering course home -- at first missing his bus stop -- had a bite to eat, decided to lie down for a while and was only alerted to the knife in his spine when his wife woke him hours later, the newspapers reported.

The knife "went into soft tissue and by pure luck did not touch any vital organs," a doctor who treated Lyalin, Victor Belov, was quoted by Komsomolskaya Pravda as saying.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

For The Me That Has Everything...

posted by on April 16 at 9:10 PM

It was just recently my birthday, you know. One or two of you forgot. But no hard feelings. It's never too late. Here's what you can get me.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Whilst Following My Foe's Every Move

posted by on April 14 at 8:27 PM


Hillary Clinton, seen here begging for Hannah Montana tickets on the CMT Music Awards. How could this photo (and its redundant Hillary campaign sticker on the laptop) be any creepier? Add this quote: "They're not for me. Bill's a huge fan." To be fair, Obama embarrassed himself in the award show's opening skit as well with similar begging while on the phone with Miley Cyrus... "Four words: Treasury Secretary Hannah Montana." Guh. McCain begged, too. No Kucinich cameo in cowboy duds, sadly.

Why was I watching this? I had designs on doing a Line Out post on Billy Ray Cyrus' hosting duties for this awards show (to be clear, the aforementioned "foe" is him, NOT Hillary), but the speech just given by Rascal Flatts, complete with shout-out to a wife who's "about to bear mah child," pushed my gag reflex a little too far. If you want the full recap of this conservative pop-country cockwipe-fest, you'll have to visit sites like the Drudge Report.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Dept. of Killjoys

posted by on April 11 at 9:55 AM

The multifold dangers posed to society by urban professionals drinking glasses of chardonnay while attending cooking classes have been averted. The good old Washington State Liquor Control Board is taking killing joy to a new level, according to this email from Culinary Communion:

We were visited yesterday by a representative of the Washington State Liquor Control Board who informed us that there has been a change in the interpretation of the state liquor law. As a result, our practice of offering wine with cooking classes (like that of every other cooking school in the Seattle area) is now considered out of compliance with the law.

This comes as quite a surprise given that we've been operating for six years exactly as we were instructed to by the Liquor Control Board.... we have been ordered to cease and desist serving any and all alcohol on our premises; this includes tasting or drinking wine with cooking classes, and it also includes BYOB liquor....

We are shocked by this ruling and are working furiously to change it and/or bring CC into compliance as quickly as possible.

According to the Liquor Control Board, "The law (RCW 66.12.140) does not allow drinking alcohol during culinary courses. If someone wants to cook with alcohol during a culinary course, you must have written approval from the Board." If a culinary school wants people to be able to drink (or sautee mushrooms in vermouth without a note from Mom) during classes, they can either apply for a restaurant license and meet all the incumbent requirements, or they can apply for a beer/wine specialty shop license, which entails maintaining a $3000 wholesale beer and/or wine inventory.

Also: The Liquor Control Board visited Culinary Communion because of a complaint. What kind of a killjoy would complain about people drinking wine during a cooking class?

In possibly related news: The underground (and illegal) restaurant Gypsy has apparently been shut down.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

The Day in Bizarre/Unintentionally Hilarious Insults

posted by on April 8 at 10:09 AM

1) Christopher Hitchens to Andrew Sullivan: "Oh, well, don't be such a lesbian. Get on with it." Because lesbians are... slow?

2) John McCain to his wife Cindy, who teased him gently for his thinning hair in 1992: "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." Yeah, the C-word: Abusive, lame. But: Trollop? Way to prove you're not too old to govern, Gramps!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

This Just In, Too...

posted by on April 1 at 1:24 PM

An elephant paints a picture! Of an elephant! Holding a flower in its trunk!

Somebody contain me. I am apt to explode with amazement.

Oh, and this is sort of real, as far as I know. I don't do "April Fools". And I have no idea how old it is, so if you've seen it before, hooray for you!