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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Phillies, Auto Glass King Jamie Moyer Win World Series

posted by on October 29 at 10:25 PM

The World Series is over. The goddamn Phillies beat the Rays.

There is one bright spot: 93-year-old Jamie Moyer—a former Mariner and auto glass magnate—started his first World Series game and cried on the field when the Phillies clinched their 4-3 win over the Rays.


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Mariners Get Their Panties in a Bunch

posted by on October 28 at 9:47 AM

Can we go back in time and flush the Mariners instead of the Sonics? There are plans for an adult-only strip club 400 feet from Safeco Field, but not if the Mariners can stop it.

They have filed a formal objection with the city, saying the city should not allow nude dancing a home-run's distance from a place where there have been 3.9 million visits from children between 1999 and 2007. ...

The Mariners are looking at "all the available options" to keep the club from opening, said Rebecca Hale, a team spokeswoman.

In a lengthy letter to the city, the Mariners maintain the issue involves more than just a ballpark. Children gather outside Safeco Field before and after games and the stadium hosts nongame events, including back-to-school rallies, junior and senior proms, high-school graduations and hundreds of school and public tours, the letter says.

Oh, yes, think of those impressionable children! You've got thousands of juvenile eyeballs staring for hours at gigantic billboards for beer--while sitting in bleachers packed with people drinking out of supersized, logo-emblazoned beer cups--and at their overpaid sports idols standing around and chewing tobacco. And in case their little Play-Doh brains can't make it down the the ballpark, television networks are clamoring to blast the beer logos along with a few extra beer ads into their homes on television. That's all hunky-dory with the Mariners. But heaven forbid a few hundred of the kids would walk past a building that they aren't allowed to enter where there's nudity. That might send the wrong message.

It's not as if beer should be hidden from kids--they should have limited exposure to certain adult activity so they know how to handle themselves once they grow up. But it's such a sanctimonious double-standard for the Mariners to shove one adult activity down these kids' retinas--taking millions of dollars for it--while lobbying the city to push another adult activity that happens behind closed doors out of existence.

Fuck you, Mariners.

Monday, October 27, 2008

A "Homolicious" Sounders Pick?

posted by on October 27 at 2:50 PM

So says Perez Hilton.


The newest Major League Soccer team, the Seattle Sounders, is expected to announce on Tuesday that Swedish soccer sensation, homolicious Freddy Ljungberg will be part of their team...


Friday, October 24, 2008

Obligatory Sports Post of the Day

posted by on October 24 at 4:26 PM

First, the bad news:

Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck will miss his third consecutive game, coach Mike Holmgren said on his radio show this morning on 710 AM (KIRO).

That means Seneca Wallace will start his second straight game, in San Francisco on Sunday. If Seattle loses, it will be 1-6 for the first time since 1992, a year the Seahawks finished 2-14.

I think I've figured out why the Hawks' season is as fucked up as Willis McGahee's eye:


God's wrath.

Mack Strong already got his ass smote last season. I guess it was Hass's (and everyone else's) turn. This is also why Leonard Weaver never gets the damn ball.

See also: Peyton Manning.

Brady Quinn, you're next.

God is a democrat. Fact.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

All the Seattle Sports Team Management News That's Fit to Print

posted by on October 22 at 5:26 PM

Since the 49ers fired head coach Mike Nolan earlier this week, there's been a shit-ton of speculation that, outgoing Seahawks coach Mike "The Walrus" Holmgren (pictured below) might jump ship to the 49ers next season.


Well, according to NFL Network blogger Adam Schefter, Holmgren—for better or worse—won't be setting up shop in Candlestick Park anytime soon.

Even before the 49ers dismissed head coach Mike Nolan this week, speculation had run rampant that Seattle head coach Mike Holmgren could surface in a Bill Parcells-executive-type role in San Francisco next season.

And it might happen one day.

But one day certainly does not sound like next season.

One source close to the Seahawks said Wednesday that, short of the 49ers offering Holmgren a stake of ownership in the team — and even that might not change the circumstances — Seattle’s head coach will not be working for San Francisco next season.

“Under no circumstance could I see him doing that — zero, none,” the source said. “It would be absolutely shocking to me. It would be extraordinarily difficult for (Holmgren) to ever entertain that idea.”

Holmgren has worked for the 49ers, watched how they have operated, and is well familiar with the York family that owns the team. Right now, according to those that know him, Holmgren has little desire to work there again.

Holmgren even has vowed to his family that, after this season, his last with the Seahawks, he will spend 2009 out of football. What happens for the 2010 season is a different story and issue. But who can say what one man will be thinking two seasons from now when it is difficult enough to get through this season?

The only thing certain about Holmgren’s thinking is that he will not wind up with the 49ers in 2009, despite the rampant speculation to the contrary.

Who knows how good Schefter's source is, so take what you will from that what you will, but the Hawks definitely need to make some changes soon, lest this season get any more embarrassing.

Owen Schmitt for quarterback!


PS-The Mariners hired Jack Zduriencik as their new GM. Baseball is still boring.

Headline of the Day

posted by on October 22 at 12:11 PM

Courtesy of Slog tipper/superstar Fnarf...


And you gotta love this photo...


Unfortunately it's all about mocking a Swedish athlete who likes getting pegged. More at With Leather.

"Think of how out-of-step that is with the national mood."

posted by on October 22 at 9:52 AM

Author Dave Zirin, being interviewed on KUOW right now, just pointed out that the owners of professional sports teams have given six times as much money to McCain than they have to Obama. Wonder what the breakdown looks like for the owners of the Ms?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Sunday Morning Football Post!

posted by on October 12 at 10:00 AM

Uuuuuuugh. Hasselbeck and Seneca Wallace are likely out for today's game.

This season keeps finding new ways to suck.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Finally! Some Good Seahawks News!!!

posted by on October 9 at 4:45 PM

The Seahawks have re-signed running back Justin Forsett, who was cut from the team last month.

Forsett was immediately snatched up by the Indianapolis Colts, but was dropped from the team earlier this week.

Forsett, the 'Hawks seventh round draft pick, was a tackle-breaking monster in the preseason so this could be great news for the Seahawks' punt-return game.

The 'Hawks also added quarterback Travis Lulay to the practice squad, because Charlie Frye is a fucking liability.


posted by on October 9 at 11:08 AM


Wanna see a mess of pictures of this scorching hot French Olympian totally and completely naked? Of course you do.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Official Afternoon Football Post of Doom

posted by on October 5 at 12:12 PM

The Hawks are getting obliterated.


Saturday, October 4, 2008

Sorry, Bill

posted by on October 4 at 10:12 PM

Friday, October 3, 2008

I Am Officially Looking Forward to Soccer Coming to Seattle Now

posted by on October 3 at 1:46 PM

Edward Champion's Reluctant Habits points to this transcript of a press conference held by Newcastle manager Joe Kinnear. If our soccer club manager holds press conferences like this one, I will buy season tickets and follow the club loyally.

JK Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?

SB Me.

JK You're a cunt.

SB Thank you.

JK Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you're saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.

SB No Joe, have you read it, it doesn't actually say that. Have you read it?

JK I've fucking read it, I've read it.

SB It doesn't say that. Have you read it?

JK You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.

SB Have you read it, it doesn't say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.

JK Fuck off. Fuck off. It's your last fucking chance.

SB You read the copy? It doesn't say that you didn't know.

JK What about the headline, you think that's a good headline?

SB I didn't write the headline, you read the copy.

JK You are negative bastards, the pair of you.

There is much more to enjoy.

Registration Deadlines

posted by on October 3 at 12:06 PM

If you're not registered to vote, you have until TOMORROW, October 4, to get your ass registered to vote. We wrapped every issue of this week's Stranger with a mail-in voter registration form—forms you can drop off at various locations around town (Havana, The Saint, Sonic Boom Records, Cellophane Square, Caffe Vita, Easy Street Records, Hidmo Eritrean Cuisine), or mail in yourself (must be postmarked by October 4)—so there's no excuse. And you can register to vote online here. Get your ass registered!


And you have until Monday, October 6, to register for Jet City Hoops, Seattle's new co-ed gay basketball league. Jet City Hoops' first season begins on October 18th. Get registered!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Don't They Cover This in Sex-Ed?

posted by on September 29 at 11:55 AM

The Internet was specifically invented to bring high school football players who want to sodomize people with broomsticks together with people who want to be sodomized with broomsticks by high school football players. There's really no need, in this day and age, for high school football teams to broomstick-sodomize the unwilling when a limitless number of eager and willing volunteers can be located with a simple online personal ad.

Ladies and Gentleman...

posted by on September 29 at 10:12 AM


...Rafael Nadal's ass.

Friday, September 26, 2008

When Sports Shit-Talk Goes Too Far

posted by on September 26 at 5:22 PM

Earlier today, the apparent owner of threw up a classy post on his site in anticipation of next week's Hawks/Giants game titled " Welcome Giants fans: Wednesday's Jokes of the Day!"

It looked like this:


and contained oh-so-classy 9/11 jokes like these:

Q: What was the last thing going through Mr. Jones' head when he was working on the World Trade Center's 90th floor? A: The 91st floor.

Q: What's the last thing that went through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
A: Their ankles.

Q: What is the New York City Fire Department's favorite song?
A: "It's Raining Men"

Q: What's Al Qaida's favorite football team?
A: The New York Jets

The Internets went crazy and the story ended up on the Deadspin sports blog and in the New York Daily News. Meanwhile, Giants fans have tracked down the site owner and are undoubtedly on their way over to his house with torches and pitchforks.

The original Seahawkshuddle post has been taken down but can be found in Google's cache here.

What a dick.

Headline of the Day

posted by on September 26 at 8:52 AM


Thanks to Slog tippers Tyler & Emily.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

My American Education

posted by on September 24 at 3:20 PM

Upon reading this...

Rep. Barney Frank, the chairman of the House Financial Services Committee and the chief House Democrat negotiating the bailout package, called McCain's move "the longest Hail Mary pass in the history of either footballs or Marys.
...I wondered: What the hell is a "Hail Mary pass."

Google gave me this answer:

And from Wikipedia:

A Hail Mary pass or Hail Mary play in American football is a forward pass made in desperation, with only a small chance of success.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

How's that Bottom Thing going?

posted by on September 23 at 8:12 PM

Hey Dan:

Just wondering how that t-shirt thing is going
. Watching the M's game at Bruno's, that three-run dinger just now kinda sucks. But it's never a bad night at the ballpark. . .

To give Mariners' fans some hope, I saw some talent at the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers game I went to back in August. (Thought the team has just switched to the Brewers.) And being in last place, the very bottom, insures a good pick or two in the draft, although the baseball draft is much less reliable than the NBA or NFL drafts in terms of immediate impact on the team.

But baseball isn't a game of clocks, or immediate impacts.

Now back to your usual Palin and Economic Meltdown Slog coverage. . .

Looking For a T-Shirt to Wear to Safeco Tonight?

posted by on September 23 at 1:13 PM

First, there's this in the PI:

M's in a tight race for the bottom

At last, the Mariners are finally playing some meaningful games in September.

They almost blew it by winning seven of nine in August but rallied with a 12-game losing streak that puts them in a coldly contested battle with the Washington Nationals for the worst record in baseball.

And here's the t-shirt...


...which you can order here.

But delivery takes a week and by then the season will be over. So I called the Crypt to see if they had any "Bottom" t-shirts in stock. "No, we don't," said Ellie, the Crypt's assistant manager. "It seems that only 'Manwhore' and 'Piglet' are in high demand these days." Those t-shirts wouldn't be appropriate for the ballpark, which is a "family setting." But if you want to go to the game in a "Bottom" t-shirt—and who doesn't?—you can design your own and get it this afternoon at B-Bam. Here's mine...


See you at the ballpark!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Letter of the Day

posted by on September 22 at 9:20 AM

I have to say I was ashamed of my city yesterday when I went to the second Storm playoff game against the LA Sparks and Key Arena was half empty. This is our ONLY professional basketball team, and the city's only WINNING FUCKING TEAM! What is wrong here?! Well, I figured that part of it is that there has been like zero marketing. Most people I talk to had no idea we were even in the playoffs. So where is my favorite Seattle weekly on this? Huh? There was a whole lot of bitching about the Sonics leaving town, but no one can support an actual good basketball team? Why, because they're women and know how to pass a ball around? Jesus Christ.

Come on guys, let's get people out there to support our team! Tuesday, 6pm at Key Arena.


You can buy tickets to tomorrow night's game here.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Sunday Morning Football Post!

posted by on September 21 at 10:08 AM

It's Sunday and unless you've got Sunday Ticket, prepare to be bored. The only game on this morning is the bound-to-be-lopsided Bengals/Giants matchup. Zzzzzz.

The "Hawks host the Rams at 1, which should be good for a W before we head into our much-needed bye week. Koren Robinson is a Seahawk again but might not play today because of knee troubles. We'll see.

Sorry I didn't post a wrap-up this week, but here are the current standings in the All-Slog 2008 Fantasy Football Thunderdome League of Champions™:

1. Slogaholics 2-0-0 2. Green Giants 2-0-0 3. The Tight Ends 2-0-0 4. Rightwing Feminists 1-1-0 5. The Ahmadinejad Show 1-1-0 6. Evergreen Stoners 1-1-0 7. Hass's Thunderbolts 1-1-0 8. Hochuli's Guns 1-1-0 9. New Orleans Taints 1-1-0 10. Bwee&Gwee's Dingbats 0-2-0 11. Hasselbecks Hairline 0-2-0 12. worst team ever. 0-2-0

Predictions, kvetching, etc. in the comments.

Thanks to Grant for the video.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Another Reason I love Ichiro

posted by on September 18 at 8:35 AM

. . . is the way he brings back forgotten baseball players from the past as he breaks their records.

George Sisler
was first, when Ichiro broke his single-season hits record in 2004. Now, Wee Willie Keeler is back in the news, as Ichiro tied his record of eight consecutive 200-hit seasons. Keeler was the originator of the famous hitting maxim, "Hit 'em where they ain't" and is the reason why a foul bunt is a third strike while other foul balls are not. He could simply hit anything, and he'd foul off so many bunts in a row that they changed the rules of the game to stop him. His famous quotation is also truncated: he said "Keep your eye clear and hit 'em where they ain't," and is probably (though not definitely) a dig at the habit of some players to show up for games hung over, not exactly clear-eyed.

He also brings to mind another aspect of baseball history and language: rude nicknames. No longer would a short player be nicknamed "Wee," or a deaf one "Dummy," or a Native American one "Chief." The most egregious of such nicknames, though, goes to Ki Ki Cuyler, who stuttered, and was known as "Kiki" because when asked what his name was, he'd respond "Ki . . . Ki . . . Cuyler." But since his given name was Hazen Shirely Cuyler, perhaps it was for the best.

Now back to your regularly scheduled Election and Pit Bull Slog coverage. . .

Monday, September 15, 2008

When Will It End?

posted by on September 15 at 4:08 PM

Seahawks receiver Logan Payne is finished for the season after tearing his MCL in the first two minutes of Sunday's game against the 49ers.

But wait, there's more bad news:

Seneca Wallace, the Seahawks backup quarterback who was going to play receiver on Sunday, suffered a strained calf muscle. He is expected to miss three to four weeks.

The only other injury coming out of Sunday's overtime loss to San Francisco was cornerback Kelly Jennings, who suffered a broken rib that required an injection at halftime. Jennings finished the game. He will not practice much this week, but is expected to play next Sunday when the Seahawks play the Rams in the third game of the season.

Make your predictions: Who will be the next 'Hawk to fall victim to the Curse of the Retiring Walrus?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Official Sunday Afternoon Football Post

posted by on September 14 at 1:15 PM

Two minutes in to the 'Hawks game, Logan Payne is down with what looks like a knee injury.

We are cursed.


Thursday, September 11, 2008

Your All-Slog 2008 Fantasy Football Thunderdome League of Champions™ Weekly Wrapup

posted by on September 11 at 11:12 AM

The first week of the 2008 football season is officially over, which means it's time for the first All-Slog 2008 Fantasy Football Thunderdome League of Champions™ wrapup!

It's been an ugly, injury-filled season so far, and plenty of matchups were turned upside down when star players like Tom Brady or, well, Tom Brady went down with season-ending injuries. And it's only going to get worse, especially for the Thunderdome teams that drafted from the once-reliable Seahawks receiving corps.

Here are the scores:

The Green Giants barely squeaked out a win, beating Bwee&Gwee's Dingbats 88-86.

The Tight Ends squeezed out a 72-54 win over Hasselbeck's Hairline.

The Ahmadinejad Show shot down Hochuli's Guns with a 97-70 win.

The Slogaholics subjugated the Rightwing Feminists, 76-69

My Thunderbolts were still able to overpower the New Orleans Taints 76-67, despite the fact that I started an inactive Deuce McAlister and a totally useless Laveranues Coles.

and El Swinger's Evergreen Stoners absolutely stomped Wisepunk's Spikers, with a final score of 110 to 52.

The final standings (ranked by points scored):
1. Evergreen Stoners
2. The Ahmadinejad Show
3. Green Giants
4. Hass's Thunderbolts
5. Slogaholics
6. The Tight Ends
7. Bwee&Gwee's Dingbats
8. Hochuli's Guns
9. Rightwing Feminists
10. New Orleans Taints
11. Hasselbecks Hairline
12. Wise's Spikers

As for other football news, the Seahawks just signed a few free agent receivers to make up for the holes in our roster. The 'Hawks also cut punter Ryan Plackemeier and, in the biggest bonehead move so far this season, released this guy:

...who was immediately snatched up by the Colts. Ugh.

Next week, the Hawks play a divisional game against the 49ers. Predictions, gripes, etc in the comments.

Monday, September 8, 2008

(Maybe) More Bad News For Hawks Fans: Burleson Out For Season

posted by on September 8 at 3:10 PM

The Seahawks wide receiving corps suffered another blow Monday, with news that Nate Burleson would be out for the season with a torn ACL, Sports Radio 950 KJR-AM in Seattle reported on Monday.

Burleson hurt himself during Sunday's loss to the Bills, leaving the game early. The injury occured when he tripped himself up while trying to cut back for a pass at the Bills' 20-year line. After the game, though, he told reporters that he expected to play next Sunday against the 49ers.

I just got a text from a friend telling me this was also on ESPN, but nobody else seems to be reporting it.

If Burleson's out, the Hawks offense is well and truly fucked until Bobby Engram and Deion Branch are back to form. Seattle's green, almost-all-rookie receiving corp caught something like four passes on Sunday and it's evident that the stink of Shaun Alexander is still lingering in the Hawks' backfield.

Keep your fingers crossed, kids.

Fuck: Danny O'Neil confirms.

We Finally Have Proof That God Hates the Patriots

posted by on September 8 at 1:21 PM

First the Patriots lose the Super Bowl to the lesser Manning and then this:

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady will undergo surgery on an injured left knee and miss the rest of the season, the team announced Monday


I guess this is what I get for picking up Brady in the first round in one of my fantasy league drafts.

Sunday, September 7, 2008


posted by on September 7 at 9:59 AM

The 2008 NFL season begins* now!!!

Make your predictions, whine about how great soccer is, etc. in the comments.

*(The NYG/Washington game was boring and doesn't count)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

There Are Going to be 800 Gay Softball Players at the Mariners Game Tonight

posted by on August 26 at 12:26 PM

And thanks to the lesbians kiss that made news all over the world, some of those gay softballers are probably wondering what's permissible, PDA-wise, at the home of the Seattle Mariners.

The softballers are in town for the Gay Softball World Series, which goes down in Seattle this week. And they're no doubt familiar with the rough outline of the Lesbian Kiss Scandal: Two women at a Mariners game were threatened with expulsion if they didn't stop kissing. The couple maintains that they merely gave each other a few quick pecks; they also claim that they were informed by a "seating host" that other fans were upset by the sight of same-sex kissers at the ballpark—and the women provided the media with a photo they took of a kissing straight couple seated in the same section that wasn't told to knock it off. The Ms insist that the lesbians were groping each other and making out, that the team doesn't treat gay fans any differently than it treats straight fans, and that they have just "one standard" for PDA at the ballpark, not different standards for gay and straight fans.

All those visiting gay softball players are probably aware of the story—seeing as it was everywhere—and some might be wondering how to conduct themselves tonight at Safeco Field. The Ms forbid "displays of affection not appropriate in a public, family setting," which is a little vague. The rule implicitly allows for some displays of affection—those appropriate to a family setting—while forbidding others. But how can the average gay fan know what PDA is appropriate and permissible at Safeco and what PDA is inappropriate and will get you expelled from the park?

I have a suggestion.

One way—perhaps the best way—for gay baseball fans to determine what kind of PDA is permissible in the park is to watch what straight fans are doing. If straight couples are doing it and not being asked to stop, well, then gay couples can do it too. Equal treatment, right? No double standards, right?

So here are some photos I took of a couple of straight fans that I had the pleasure of sitting behind at a recent game (click on image for a larger version):


These two are clearly in love and they were terribly cute together. And while I'm not the PDA type myself, I certainly don't begrudge this couple their marathon ballpark PDA session. (Luckily my child wasn't at this game, so I didn't have to explain to him that some men like to kiss women. But that is my boyfriend's knee in the shot, and I did have to explain to him what "straight" means. He cried all the way home.) And it was a marathon PDA session: These two were going out at it throughout the entire game—they had their arms wrapped around each other for nine innings—and by my count they kissed each other 37 times. (I didn't see any tongue but my angle was bad. There could've been tongue.) A Safeco Field "seat host" was stationed about ten feet away the entire time and the host was aware of this couple and never asked them to break it up.

So I thought I would share these pictures with the 800 gay softballers who are going to the game tonight. Guys? Wondering what displays of affection are appropriate to a family setting? Just reference these pictures. Heck, print them out and take them to the game with you. And remember, gang, everyone's equal at Safeco Field. So gay couples at the game should feel free to wrap their arms around each other, hold each other in an embrace that lasts the entire game, watch the game cheek-to-cheek, and can kiss roughly 4.1 times per inning.

Enjoy the game!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Double Standards and Double Talk

posted by on August 25 at 5:36 PM


Asked why they didn't mention the fact that Australian diver Matthew Mitcham was gay—and that his boyfriend, the man Mitcham credits with getting him back in the sport after a crippling depression that NBC did mention, was sitting in the stands with his mother—when he pulled off a huge upset and won the gold medal, NBC told

“In virtually every case, we don’t discuss an athlete’s sexual orientation.”

Mentioning the spouses, boyfriends, and girlfriends of heterosexual athletes—even discussing a love triangle involving heterosexual athletes—somehow doesn't equal discussing "an athlete's sexual orientation." But mentioning the boyfriend of a male athlete does.

Because, you see, straight people have sex, while gay people have sexual orientations. Please make a note of it.

Gay Men Don't Win Gold Medals, Do They?

posted by on August 25 at 8:02 AM

Not if NBC can help it.

According to, of the 10,708 athletes at the Olympics this year, just 10 have identified themselves publicly as being gay. Of the 10, Australian diver Matthew Mitcham is the only male gay athlete.

Yesterday, Mitcham won the gold in the in the 10m platform diving event, scoring an upset over the Chinese team, which was heavily favored to win. But as Maggie Hendricks at Yahoo’s Olympics blog notes, NBC never mentioned Mitcham’s orientation.

Here's an interview where Mitcham thanks his mother and his partner...

But his sexual orientation wasn't mentioned by NBC, which went out of its way to point out the boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, and wives of heterosexual athletes. Mitcham credits his partner, Lachlan, with getting him through a rough patch; a patch that included depression and a decision to quit the sport. It's the kind of human interest angle that NBC can't resist—except, of course, when the person standing by a male athlete's side and helping him work toward gold is the athlete's boyfriend.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Synchro Smackdown

posted by on August 23 at 12:12 AM

So, Jen Graves and I are very stupid and our laptops are not equipped to handle Cover It Live. This will be old-school liveslog. Comment in the regular comments.

Annie: Whew. I am exhausted. I have been watching teenage Jen Graves point her toes and spin around upside down for a half hour, and I now feel prepared to handle the NBC broadcast of the team technical event. So what is the techical event, Jen?

Jen: Technical event is, you know, technical. Less free than the free routine. Which is happening right this second. So if you're watching on a computer that has an Intel processor, for the love of god, then you can see that. We here have an incredibly complex setup that involves one Intel-enabled live feed, one television, and two computers, neither of which can handle, you know, simple live-blogging programs. But we digress.


Annie: I was pretty excited by that fireball the news had on just now. I have no idea what was on fire. Oh well. So, the NBC broadcast starts at 12:30 and it will be some stuff that happened, like, 24 hours ago. If you don't have an Intel processor and want to see the free routine (after which the medals will be awarded), then you have to wait until tomorrow between 9 and 5. Very helpful. If you do have an Intel processor, you can click here and be 24 hours ahead of us.

What I want to know is, does the technical event involve people being thrown around the pool? Obviously, the only cool thing about synchro is people being flung willy-nilly across the pool.

Continue reading "Synchro Smackdown" »

Friday, August 22, 2008

Get Ready for LiveSlogged Synchro!

posted by on August 22 at 12:33 PM

Yes, tonight brings us to our first and no doubt last ever liveblog of Olympic synchronized swimming. We have an expert, Jen Graves, who spent 15 years in the sport and is personally acquainted with several ex-Olympians. We also have an inexpert, me, who spent 9 years in the infinitely more dangerous, difficult, and taxing sport of artistic gymnastics and is not personally acquainted with a single ex-Olympian of any sort. Graves will provide intelligent commentary. I will mock ceaselessly. Be here at 12:30 am to witness the carnage.

And because she's a sweet, sweet, woman, Ms. Graves has given me some pointers on how to mock without looking like an idiot, in the form of a Newsweek guide to spectating synchro. Dumb questions, according to Graves, include:

2. Why is there a solo event if it's "synchronized" swimming?

Ah, yes. You feel clever, right? Please consider that a person can be synchronized with a piece of music before you speak of this commonly posed "mind bender."

I beg to differ. The floor exercise, in gymnastics, is performed to a piece of music. But we do not call it "synchronized floor exercise." Conversely, imagine if synchro diving was one person diving in time to a piece of music instead of two people diving simultaneously. Stupid! Solo synchro should be called water dancing, to correspond to ice dancing in the winter Olympics.

Smart questions, according to Graves, might include:

3. Why isn't that American girl wearing noseclips like everybody else?

I know! Christina Jones, one half of the American duet that finished fifth this week in Beijing, does not wear anything to keep the water from going up her nose while she's upside-down underwater. She's one of only a few swimmers known to do this, but it's not unheard of.

This is a smart question? My god, Graves, we are going to be giving each other black eyes by the end of the night!

Hacker Provokes a New Investigation Into the Age of Chinese Gymnasts

posted by on August 22 at 10:55 AM

This guy (Stryde, aka Mike Walker) dug through some Google and Baidu (a Chinese search engine) caches to figure out the actual ages of the Chinese gymnasts. [His explanation, by the way, is slightly off—it's OK to be 15 at the Olympics as long as you will turn 16 in 2008. But that's not the scenario China has been asserting for He Kexin.] He concluded that He Kexin, the uneven bars gold medalist, is currently 14. After The Times (of London) reported it—the story had already made Slashdot; and the original, un-cached documents may have been first accessed by the New York Times—the IOC launched an investigation.

The Brits are psyched because disqualifications of either He Kexin or Yang Yilin on the uneven bars would push Beth Tweddle into medaling position.

It's been pretty clear for a while that some of the Chinese gymnasts are underage, so there's no guarantee that FIG and the IOC will take this evidence seriously.

I have mixed feelings about the issue. On the one hand, I don't think there should be an age minimum--it's a public relations thing, mainly, because junior-level gymnasts are still doing all these incredibly dangerous skills and pushing their bodies just as hard. I also think it's unfair to the Chinese gymnasts, because they had no real choice about whether to compete. On the other hand, it obviously puts the United States and other countries at a disadvantage, not being able to use their entire pool of talent, including 14-year-old juniors. (Nastia Liukin was 14 during the Athens Olympics, for example; her junior scores—determined by the same code of points—would have qualified her to compete were it not for her age.)

The gymnasts whose ages are in dispute are He Kexin, Jiang Yuyuan, Li Shanshan, Deng Linlin, and Yang Yilin.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

High Horses!

posted by on August 21 at 8:50 AM

dumbhorse.jpgHorses are the devil's creatures. They lie, they whore, they talk trash behind your back. They snack on the innocence of young girls and shit where they please. Horses are the very soul of corruption. This is a fact.

But horses are also drug addicts and filthy Olympics cheaters. Look:

Four horses have been banned from competing in Thursday's Olympic Games jumping competition for doping, the International Equestrian Federation (FEI) announced here Thursday.

That's from a story you can find here. It goes on to explain:

The horses - representing Brazil, Germany, Ireland and Norway - had been suspended after testing positive for a prohibited substance, the FEI, which controls the sport, said in a statement.

Oh, horses! Will they ever learn? Dope is for dopes!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Daddy's Boy

posted by on August 20 at 2:13 PM

I was wondering if Michael Phelps had a father.

Fred Phelps Who, Exactly?

posted by on August 20 at 1:47 PM

I have not watched one moment of the fucking Olympics. I hate the fucking Olympics. I have always hated the fucking Olympics. I always will.

Thank you.

Sometimes Olympic Triumph....

posted by on August 20 at 1:24 PM


....looks like an ugly halter top.

Carry on.