"... because black people have the whitest teeth."

(From a Shanghai grocery store.)

This is going to be the best Olympics ever!

A man is suing two Bible publishers for printing what he claims to be a bad translation of the original text, which has resulted in institutional homophobia. The suit claims $70,000,000 in damages.

This is from a wonderful blogger's summary of the case:

What is at issue is the meaning of the words μαλακοι and αρσενοκοιται The usual view is that they refer to men who engage in homosexual acts. μαλακοι are those taken to play the "feminine" role, αρσενοκοιται those taken to play the "masculine" role. That these refer to homosexuals of some sort is clear from the Latin translation, produced in the 5th century, which uses molles "soft ones" for μαλακοι and masculorum concubitores "those who sleep with men" for αρσενοκοιται.

...

As I understand Fowler's complaints, he is not arguing that the New Testament, when translated correctly, discriminates against him as a gay man. Rather, he thinks that the publishers were negligent in publishing Bibles containing what in his view is an erroneous translation, one that, he thinks, falsely condemns homsexuality.

Of course, the right wing blogs, which I'm not going to link to, are having a field day with this, along the lines of : "Liberals are suing Jesus! Next, they'll sue all of us for praying in the comfort of our own homes!" But, really, this is a pretty fascinating lawsuit about the nuances of translation, which is just the kind of nerdery that makes me tingle.

Via Maud.

I was just perusing the Discovery Institute's main blog to see their response to potential veep Bobby Jindal signing the newest stealth creationist legislation in Louisiana. Lots of crowing, of course. I particularly enjoyed the mention of Discovery Institute fellow John G. West's article on National Review Online, as it gives me opportunity to mention today's Discovery Institute slapdown on NRO's The Corner, care of John Derbyshire.

But here's what really set my blood boiling. Check out this pathetic attempt to harness Thomas Jefferson as an intelligent design proponent:

Next time someone tells you intelligent design is “based on religion,” you might point him to American Founder Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence. As I explain in a special July 4th edition of ID the Future, Jefferson not only believed in intelligent design, he insisted it was based on the plain evidence of nature, not religion.

Ironically, the critics of intelligent design often think they are defending the principles of Jefferson. The National Council for the Social Studies, for example, claims that intelligent design is religion and then cites Jefferson’s famous Letter to the Danbury Baptists calling for a “wall of separation” between church and state. The clear implication is that Thomas Jefferson would agree with them that intelligent design is religion. A writer for Irregular Times goes even further, insisting that “the case of Thomas Jefferson makes it quite clear that there was not a consensus of support among the authors of the Constitution to allow for the mixing of religion and government to support theological doctrines such as intelligent design.”

In reality, Jefferson did not believe that intelligent design was a religious doctrine. In a letter to John Adams on April 11, 1823, he declared:

I hold (without appeal to revelation) that when we take a view of the Universe, in its parts general or particular, it is impossible for the human mind not to perceive and feel a conviction of design, consummate skill, and indefinite power in every atom of its composition.

(emphasis added)

By insisting that his defense of intelligent design was made “without appeal to revelation,” Jefferson clearly was arguing that the idea had a basis other than religion. What was that basis? He went on to explain:

The movements of the heavenly bodies, so exactly held in their course by the balance of centrifugal and centripetal forces, the structure of our earth itself, with its distribution of lands, waters and atmosphere, animal and vegetable bodies, examined in all their minutest particles, insects mere atoms of life, yet as perfectly organised as man or mammoth, the mineral substances, their generation and uses, it is impossible, I say, for the human mind not to believe that there is, in all this, design, cause and effect, up to an ultimate cause, a fabricator of all things from matter and motion, their preserver and regulator while permitted to exist in their present forms, and their regenerator into new and other forms.

In sum, Jefferson believed that empirical data from nature itself proved intelligent design by showing the natural world’s intricate organization from the level of plants and insects all the way up to the revolution of the planets.

Wow. As a graduate of the University of Virginia (so frequently referred to as Thomas Jefferson's University that the radio station call letters are WTJU), I am well acquainted with the deployment of quotations from Mr. Jefferson to support nearly any point of view. However, this goes too far. Jefferson died in 1826, 33 years before Charles Darwin published The Origin of Species. Intelligent design borrows heavily from dusty old natural theologian William Paley, but it is in essence a repudiation of Darwin's theory of natural selection. Jefferson was not a critic of evolution because he had no knowledge of evolution.

In fact, he thought extinction did not exist and that there were likely still mastodons roaming the Pacific Northwest. But he shouldn't be blamed for not knowing or discovering a scientific theory on his own. After all, he also said this, as he petitioned Congress for the repeal of a duty on imported books:

That the value of science to a republican people; the security it gives to liberty, by enlightening the minds of its citizens; the protection it affords against foreign power; the virtues it inculcates; the just emulation of the distinction it confers on nations foremost in it; in short, its identification with power, morals, order, and happiness, (which merits to it premiums of encouragement rather than repressive taxes,) are topics, which your petitioners do not permit themselves to urge on the wisdom of Congress, before whose minds these considerations are always present, and bearing with their just weight.

Uh... after running YPW all these years, I can't help but wonder if this was a good idea.

"I've always wanted to take my dad to my senior prom ever since I was a little girl," Ashley Nicely said. "I really look up to him. He sets a great example, and there's no one I'd rather take than him."

And she admitted that she had options. She said she turned down a handful of guys from school so she could fulfill her childhood wish.

Troy Nicely, a youth pastor, said he was surprised but honored to take his daughter [to prom].

God is not enough

Maryland:

A priest accused of abusing an altar boy in 2001 has been charged with child abuse after turning himself in to police Tuesday.

The Rev. Aaron Joseph Cote, 56, who was an associate pastor in 2001 and 2002 at Mother Seton parish in Germantown, had been accused of sexual abuse by the former altar boy, Brandon Rains, who filed a lawsuit against him in 2005....

According to Montgomery County police, Cote had been counseling the boy while serving part time as youth minister at Mother Seton.

Oregon:

A 20-year-old woman who broke her neck while playing on a trampoline with a youth pastor is suing the pastor, claiming he should have known that his weight would have caused her to catapult into the air.

Pastor Matt Lambrecht is named along with the Archdiocese of Portland, the trampoline manufacturer, Legacy Emmanuel Hospital & Health Care Center and several other defendants in the $33.5 million suit filed in Multnomah County Circuit Court Tuesday....

Freitag suffers from quadriplegia and will need a wheelchair for the rest of her life, the suit states.

Texas:

A divided Texas Supreme Court ruled in favor of a former Colleyville church Friday, saying church members who were involved in a traumatic exorcism that ultimately injured a young woman are protected by the First Amendment.

...

Schubert’s account of what happened over several days at the Pleasant Glade church in June 1996 is harrowing.

Schubert and her brother were involved with church activities while their parents were out of town. On Friday evening, during preparations for a youth group garage sale, the atmosphere became "spiritually charged" when another youth said he saw a demon.

Under direction of the youth minister, the youth frantically anointed everything in the church with holy oil until, at 4:30 a.m. Saturday, the minister told the exhausted youth that they had finally been successful.

At the Sunday evening worship services, Schubert collapsed. Church members "laid hands" on her and forcibly held her arms crossed over her chest, despite her demands to be set free.

She reportedly cried, yelled, kicked, sweated and hallucinated while also making guttural noises. She was released after she calmed down and replied with requests to say the name Jesus.

Tennessee:

Leaders of the Southern Baptist Convention have condemned sexual predators and are urging churches to flush out molesters using federal background checks. But a simple search on the convention's Web site shows they have yet to purge their own house of predators.

Listed on the site is Steven Haney, the former pastor of Walnut Grove Baptist Church, now Gracepoint Baptist. Haney is accused of having a long-term sexual affair with a teenage boy in his Cordova congregation.... Haney's case is still pending, along with that of Tim Byars, who also turns up on the site.

A former youth minister at Springhill Baptist Church in Dyersburg, he was charged with raping a 14-year-old girl during a field trip nearly two years ago. Byars is also charged in another case for sexual battery in Davidson County....

Brown says keeping predators and alleged predators on the convention's Web site gives the impression these are safe ministers. "We've got to do more to protect our children," he said.

Georgia:

Questionnaire: State Representative District 3 candidate Brad Scott • Full name: Brad Scott

• Place of birth: East Ridge Hospital, Chattanooga, Tenn.

* Age: 23

• How can voters contact you? (423) 779-2459, Email: BradScottgop@comcast.net

• Do you have a Web site? ElectBradScott.com

• Do you have a philosophy or words to live by? Philippians 4:13- ”I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”

• Hobbies: Church; spending time with family; spending time in the outdoors fishing, hunting, and running

• Current/ past professional / business experience: paraprofessional at Ringgold Primary for 3 years; Fellowship Baptist Church assistant youth director at for 3 years; currently Fairview Baptist Church youth minister; currently a Substitute Teacher in Catoosa County Schools.

And a headline from Florida:

Teens flock to PCB to renew faith

Have you been craving that Mormon Fundamentalist Polygamist look for yourself and/or your pet? Then you simply must check out FLDSDress.com, where all the fashions that marched across our TV screens during the recent FLDS flare-up in Texas are available for sale to any and all.

As Slog tipper Tom wrote, "The Teen Princess Dress is every pedophile's dream!"

Personally, I think the site works best as an adolescent rebellion deterrent: "If you're not home by 11:30, young lady, your entire back-to-school wardrobe comes from here!"

It seems the Christian news site OneNewsNow automatically changes the word "gay" into "homosexual" for its stories. So when sprinter Tyson Gay set a wind-aided record this weekend...well, something funny happened.

(Via Deadspin.)

You know a story is going to be good when it starts like this:

Bill Keller is a publicity-savvy televangelist with a penchant for politics who works out of the back room of a used-car lot.

But on to the point: During the Republican primary, Keller's narrow view of scripture led him to make a comment about Mitt Romney's Mormon faith leading the former Massachusetts governor down the path to Satan. In fact, the direct quote left little to be parsed:

"A vote for Romney is a vote for Satan."

Is implying that a presidential hopeful shares a ticket with Satan grounds for losing your tax exempt status? The New York Times reports that Keller is under investigation by the IRS for bringing his church into the realm of politics, a battle which Keller is welcoming. In fact, Keller and a conservative evangelical legal organization, the Alliance Defense Fund, are actually trying to goad the government into legal action against them:

The Alliance Defense Fund is recruiting 50 pastors to endorse candidates from the pulpit on September 28, hoping to provoke a legal challenge to the I.R.S. code.

“We’re asking pastors to make specific recommendations based on scripture as to how their congregations should vote,” said Erik Stanley, senior legal counsel with the Alliance Defense Fund.

Mr. Stanley said the organization planned to send tapes of the sermons to the IRS, and then sue the agency for inhibiting free speech and the free exercise of religion when an investigation is opened.

Should the court challenge succeed, churches would be all but free to make the endorsements openly that they now crouch in subtext and loopholes. Feel free to draw your own real life parallels to the plot-line of the bestselling Left Behind series.

Arkansas:

A former youth pastor was sentenced on Friday to six years—three years in prison and three years suspended—for his sexual involvement with a 14-year old girl. Keith Daniel Kiger, 31, of Winslow entered a negotiated plea of guilty to reduced charges of sexual indecency with a child before 4 th Judicial Circuit Judge William Storey. He was initially charged with second-degree sexual assault.... Kiger admitted to engaging in sexual contact with the victim as many as six times, according to the arrest report. Most of the contact reportedly occurred in the back of his van during the day in public parking lots across Fayetteville.

Washington Post sez:

More than 90 percent of Americans -- including one in five people who say they are atheists -- believe in God or a universal power, and more than half pray at least once a day, according to results of a poll released today that takes an in-depth look at Americans' religious beliefs.

Bolded for what-the-fuckedness. 20% of all atheists are rat fink liars? And do those one in five unatheistic atheists actually count toward the less than one in ten people who don't believe in God?

I thought we atheists were making some ground. Oh, well. Maybe next generation.

Texas:

A Fort Worth pastor is free on bond after being arrested on accusations he sexually assaulted a girl who attends his church.

James "Jay" Virtue Robinson IV is pastor of Southwood Baptist Church.... The warrant says Robinson was the youth minister when the relationship began about two years ago.

California:

The former St. Helena High School coach who pleaded no contest to sexually molesting two students more than a decade ago must undergo a psychological evaluation.... As part of the plea bargain, Sandler must register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

The incidents with a girl under 16 happened from 1997 through 1998, while Sandler was a volleyball coach at St. Helena High School. He was also serving as a youth minister at his former St. Helena church.

Texas:

A Bedford couple has won free fertility treatment from a church whose pastor says it wants to "do for people what they can't do for themselves."

The eleven7 church of Southlake attracted considerable news coverage by arranging a free round of fertility treatment and encouraging childless couples to apply for it.
Matt and Christina Jonker were selected at random Friday and were presented to the church during its Sunday morning, Father's Day worship service. "We're just blown away and amazed at God's goodness," Mr. Jonker said Monday.

He's a former youth pastor who's working part time as a golf course caddie and hoping to return to ministry.

...by all the children we send home to Jesus.

A 16-year-old boy whose parents rely on prayer instead of medical care has died following an illness marked by stomach pains and shortness of breath, authorities said....

In March, the boy's 15-month-old cousin [also] died at home from bronchial pneumonia and a blood infection. Her parents, Carl and Raylene Worthington, also failed to contact a doctor and are awaiting trial on criminal charges in her death.

Last June the Stranger sent writers to churches all over Seattle—and the odd temple and mosque too—to review their services and sermons for a feature package we called "A Month of Sundays." Some churches we reviewed were ticked—as were some that we overlooked (sorry, Scientology, but we're still not convinced yer a church)—and the Church Council of Greater Seattle tried to call me down to the rectory for a spanking.

Anyway, not all the churches we reviewed were upset. Some, it seems, were hoping we were going to make "Month of Sundays" an annual event.

We've got a story out of North Carolina featuring your typical YPW creepiness. Take it away WXII 12 News Team:

Man Accused of Secret Peeping Was Church Youth Leader

The husband accused of filming his wife's friends while they used a tanning bed in the couple's basement and sexually assaulting two minors was a longtime member and youth leader at Peace Haven Baptist Church, WXII12 News has learned.

More than 100 charges were filed this week against Tony Gray Sloop, 49, of Hamptonville, including sexual abuse of two girls under the age of 13 and secret peeping.

The photos and videos, which allegedly were taken from cameras installed in pinholes in a basement and a bathroom and according to investigators, show women of a variety of ages.

But check out this detail about the arrest of Tony Gray Sloop from an earlier report in the, er, Yadkin Ripple:

What had started out as a relationship with one girl as an "acquaintance" had become a full-blown investigation that tied Sloop to other underage victims....

Sloop, the search warrant says, has admitted to investigators that he had a sexual relationship with an underaged girl. The victim's mother noticed in late April that her daughter was allegedly receiving frequent telephone calls and text messages from Sloop. Those conversations became so noticeable, the warrant says, that they were observed by a youth minister at Peace Haven Baptist Church on a field trip.

So a decent youth minister at Peace Haven Baptist Church gave evidence to the police that helped bring an indecent youth minister at Peace Haven Baptist Church to justice.

Who says Youth Pastor Watch isn't fair and balanced?

Apparently the new M. Night Shamalamayamamama movie The Happening is intelligent design propaganda. I totally skipped the Tuesday screening, because who cares about M. Night and it was going to have to be a web-only review, but I totally would not have been so derelict had I known anything whatsoever about the film's content.

According to le Gawker:

M. Night Shyamalan's critically-panned flick The Happening is Hollywood's first blockbuster to promote the anti-evolutionary theory of intelligent design. Maybe you thought Ben Stein's ill-fated documentary Expelled was the only movie to argue in favor of the neo-Christian idea that an "intelligent designer" created the universe. Think again. With its references to "unexplained acts of nature" and a science teacher main character who calls evolution "just a theory," The Happening is basically a giant propaganda machine for intelligent design. Maybe science journalists are jizzing all over its allegedly realistic plants-attack-humans plot, but we talked to Shyamalan and we know the truth.

Avowed Christian Shyamalan told us that The Happening is really about religious faith, and explained that he chose Mark Wahlberg to play science teacher Elliot Moore because of the actor's intense belief in Jesus. Maybe he also chose vacant-eyed Zooey Deschanel to play his wife Alma because she looks like a little girl who needs a big strong monotheist in her life? No comment on that one from Shyamalan.

We get tipped off to the fact that this allegedly science fictional movie is really an ID tent revival in the opening scenes where Elliot teaches his science students about evolution. He explains to them that honeybees are disappearing all over the country, and asks what some possible explanations might be. Students who say things like "climate change" and "evolution" are dismissed as being "partly right." But then when a generally quiet student finally says, "It's an act of nature that we can't understand," Elliot lights up and says that's the best answer. That phrase "act of nature," which sounds suspiciously like "act of God," crops up in the movie again and again[....]

It goes on (avec spoilers). The horror! I will see it this weekend and get back to y'all.

As Grant Cogswell pointed out in his feature piece last week, there once was a man called Anton LaVey, and Anton LaVey, whilst he lived, tried really, really hard to be The Evilest Man Who Ever Was. Mostly he was just bald and vaguely douche-bag-ish: Like a martini-sipping Fu-Manchu in a priest suit who looked like he had to crap a walrus. But still. He tried really, really hard.

Indeed, Anton wanted to be evil, seriously evil, so he did the only evil thing an evil person in his evil position could do: He poured himself a stiff drink, sat down, and thought really really hard about, well, evil.

He searched through humanity's various sordid histories and religious myths, he delved into Darwin and dived into Disraeli, he porked a few hookers, had a few more drinks, grew a spooky goatee, and squeezed the putrid juices from the ugly guts of the very nastiest of human nature. And when he was done, he shaved his head, founded the Church of Satan, and wrote a few pro-sex, pseudo-fascist books that still give a dark and stupid sense of purpose to confused and alienated teenage assholes to this very day. He became the real and fer-true Apologist for the Devil---the one true expert on all things truly wretched.

His conclusions and the crux of his Satanic philosophy ran thusly: We humans are, in every sense, rotten, rude, paranoid, and less than fresh. People are wicked and untrustworthy animals. All so-called "virtues" and "good deeds" are self-delusive ego-kicks, hip, hip, hooray. That's the whole thing in a devilicious nutshell. And as you might have guessed, Uncle Anton was something of a fascist turd, who drank a bit, probably cried a lot on Christmas, and went around saying cra-zazy crap all the time, like:

"Man is a selfish creature. Everything in life is a a selfish act,"

And:

"There can be no more myth of “equality” for all—it only translates to “mediocrity” and supports the weak at the expense of the strong."

Anyway---and trust me that this all does tie-in loosely in the end somehow I hope---we now turn the "Colbert Report". Yes, I said "Colbert Report". Specifically, a recent interview with a man calling himself George Will. And as scripture or whatever tells us, "By their 'Colbert Report' appearance, ye shall know them." Or something. (I'm a Unitarian this week, so I can hardly be sure of anything at this point.)

Now, I've never fucking heard of this "George Will", but my good friend Wikipedia told me that he's a "Pulitzer Prize-winning conservative", which in a sane world would be a firm contradiction in terms. He is a renowned conservative columnist and pundit apparently, also. Below, Steven Colbert calls him, "one of the 'intellectual giants of conservatism'"--which is definitely a contradiction in terms. But what he really is, as you will see below, is the toupee-ed, shiny-shoe-ed Public Relations Manager of Satan--Old Skool, Anton LaVey-style, word, yo. As I've said before and shall surely say again, behold:

That's right. Straight from the horsey mouth of the "leading pundit of conservatism in the nation": The difference between conservatives and liberals is that liberals are fools who believe in the goodness of human nature and the basic equality of all people. Like in the, uh, Declaration of Independence and junk. (And, if you'll pardon the expression, "The Bible".) They believe misguidedly that "something straight" can be made out of the "crooked timber" that is humanity. Man is clearly rotten and selfish by design. There can be no myth of equality...um....it only translates to "mediocrity", and...uh...Satan? Is that you? It's me, George Will.

Now, we turn briefly again to Old Uncle Anton. In his collection of essays, "The Devil's Notebook", he expounds tiresomely upon the alleged historical necessity of The Villain as a catalyst to progress and human evolution, and he notes that:

"If Hitler had not singled out the Jews...the Nation of Israel might never have been realized."

Hmm. Interesting theory: If you are trying hard to be a complete asswipe---which Anton totally was---and/or you have devoted your life to Satan---which he totally did. And/or you are a right-wing Republican Christian, like John Hagee, the popular Evangelist and close friend and supporter of young John McCain apparently. As Dan noted the other day, John Hagee recently said this about the Holocaust, and, um, deja vu?:

"How did it happen? Because God allowed it to happen. Why did it happen? Because God said my top priority for the Jewish people is to get them to come back to the land of Israel."

So then. In other words, "If Hitler had not singled out the Jews...the Nation of Israel might never have been realized...and, well...again...uh...

Satan?

Indeed. And I wonder. Would it surprise the leading prophets and liars of American conservatism like Mr. Will and Reverend Hagee how very often and totally that they agree and have so very much in common with the founder of the Church of Satan---a man who, for irony and, you heard me, rank profit---did his damnedest to exemplify the most vile and wretched leanings of the human situation? A man whose greatest goal in life was to be a total social Darwinist bastard?

I do not, however, wonder if it would have surprised Anton LaVey. No, sir. Because it really wouldn't have. Anton LaVey totally had those evil bitch's number. Numbers. Whatever.

Totally.

Hail Satan!*

(*I am a Unitarian, dammit! Do you hear me?! Unitarian!)

Will someone please ask Rev. Hagee if God sent the storm that killed those four boy scouts—and flooded huge parts of the state of Iowa—to stop gay pride events that had been scheduled to take place this weekend in Iowa's capitol?

After Katrina, of course, Hagee pointed out that a scheduled gay event...

...never happened. The rally never happened.

And he believes that God sent Katrina specifically stop that gay rally from happening. So what if God wound up drowning all those little old ladies in New Orleans' 9th Ward—no biggie. Hagee's God is, as ever, an angry, jealous God... and a lousy shot. The same God that drowned all those little old ladies—and left New Orleans gay bar district untouched—wouldn't think twice about whipping up some storms to stop Des Moines' gay pride parade, even it meant offing a few innocent Boy Scouts on the other side of the state.

Illinois:

The mother of a 13-year-old boy claims her son suffers from permanent emotional injuries after having been sexually abused by his youth pastor, according to a lawsuit filed June 4 in Madison County Circuit Court.

Jane Doe claims Anthony Muzzarelli was a youth pastor at Mt. Zion General Baptist Church in Granite City and worked directly with her son. The child had been invited him to Muzzarelli's home as part of the ministry, the lawsuit claims. Doe claims her son was sleeping at Muzzarelli's home on Feb. 25, 2006, and was awakened when Muzzarelli allegedly started to fondle him....

Doe claims Mt. Zion knew or should have known facts which would have caused suspicions of abuse, including various inappropriate encounters on church grounds and at Muzzarelli's home. Doe claims some encounters were witnessed by various administrators of the church.

Florida:

The preschool teacher accused last week of fondling a 4-year-old student during nap time is back behind bars facing a more serious charge. Brian Michael Lane is now charged with capital sexual battery, accused of raping a 10-year-old boy several times between January and March....

In addition to being a preschool teacher, Lane has been a member of Bayonet Point Christian Church on State Road 52 for years and for the past two he has been a music pastor. Joey Durmire, church pastor, said Tuesday that Lane led the choir during every Sunday service. He worked with children, Durmire said, but the church has a policy that no child can be left alone with a single adult.

"Honestly, we're shocked and our hearts are saddened," he said. "We're just as duped as anyone else."

Texas:

Northeast Houston Baptist Church announced June 11 the immediate termination of the director of youth ministry for what the church is calling "inappropriate conduct with a minor."

Pastor Nathan Lino made the announcement at the church's Wednesday night service.... The youth minister has been employed with the church for 30 months and is one of five ministers at the church.

"This morning, while at an annual meeting of the Southern Baptist Convention in Indianapolis at 7 a.m. Eastern time, I received a phone call from the parent of the minor," Lino said. "I was sent over 50 hand-written pages of correspondence between Wesley Orton and the minor. The board of trustees reviewed the documentation prior to my decision to terminate."

If a tornado—or an earthquake or a wildfire or a meteor—were to strike San Francisco's city hall during a gay wedding next week, respected leaders of the religious right would rush to their cable broadcast studios to insist that the tornado—or the earthquake, wildfire, meteor, whatever—that leveled San Francisco's city hall was divine judgment, God's righteous wrath. Like the Rev. Hagee said of Hurricane Katrina...

So I believe that the judgment of God is a very real thing.... I believe that the Bible teaches that when you violate the law of God, that God brings punishment sometimes before the day of judgment. And I believe that the Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans.

So how does the religious right explain the tornado that struck a Boy Scout camp in Iowa yesterday, killing four and injuring scores more? (The Scouts are famously anti-gay, anti-atheists, and pro-God.) Again, we turn to Rev. Hagee. While all natural phenomena represent God's "permissible will"...

You cannot say that everything on the Earth that happens is sin.... But it is wrong to say that every natural disaster is the result of sin. It is a result of God's permissive will, but no man on Earth knows the mind of God.

It's wrong to say that every natural disaster is the result of sin, you see, because sometimes natural disasters happen to us, not just to them, and when they happen to us, well, the Lord moves in mysterious ways, no man can possibly know the mind of God, maybe Jesus needed a few more angels in heaven, blah blah blah. But when a natural disaster hits San Francisco—or New Orleans before a big gay party—then we can read the mind of God like it was a large-print edition of Highlights For Children.

...by our... holy shit, where do you start?

Pastor Herman Lewis, 50, whose double life unraveled last year when he was arrested after a fracas at a Spokane diner, was convicted today on attempted rape and assault charges.... Lewis, then pastor of Morning Star Baptist Church, went on a rampage on April 30, 2007, after he offered a cook at a local Shari’s restaurant $50 to sleep with him. When she declined, he reportedly grabbed the woman and tried to drag her out of the restaurant. An elderly customer tried to intervene and punched Lewis. Lewis then punched him in the face.

Lewis then went across the street to a McDonald’s, later telling police he had been looking for another woman with whom to have sex. He walked out of the restaurant alone and was confronted by a police officer. After a struggle, Lewis fled the scene, leading police on a 10-block chase in a 2007 Corvette before he was stopped by spike strips at Indiana and Division.

It's the detail about the car that really makes this one sing.

Thanks to Slog tipper Cynthia.

UPDATE: This earlier story about Rev. Lewis includes a detail about his arrest that was missing from the report above...

A Spokane pastor was Tasered after allegedly assaulting several people at a restaurant, ramming a patrol car at another and then leading officers on a chase in a silver Corvette.

And per your requests in comments, some pictures of the not-so-good reverend...

...by the courteous way our prison chaplains "yield" to pedestrians, oncoming traffic, and cock.

Joseph A. Loux Jr., 63, of Hannacroix, and Eugene F. Barnaby, 34, of Thurman were each charged with public lewdness, a misdemeanor, after trooper Edward Stannard witnessed them having sexual contact with one another at a rest area located off the southbound lanes between exits 23 and 24.

Loux told police he was pastor of Congregational Christian Church of Ravena and a chaplain in the prison system....

Both Loux and Barnaby admitted to police they were having sex, according to court records, apparently after having randomly met there. But each portrayed the other as the aggressor, according to statements they gave Stannard and State Police Investigator D.J. Mosher.

Loux did not say why he was in northern Warren County.

"I admitted to the trooper I was part of a sexual act at the rest area," Loux was quoted as saying. "I am sorry that I yielded to this."

Pennsylvania:

Episcopal Bishop Charles E. Bennison Jr.'s church trial on the ground that he long ago concealed his brother's sexual abuse of a teenage girl ended its first day with the victim recounting how she had hoped Bennison would report the abuse to her parents and put an end to it.

"I wanted out," the woman, now 50, told the special Court for the Trial of a Bishop yesterday in Center City. "I wanted someone to help me."

But Bennison, who was then rector of her parish in Upland, Calif., remained silent, she said, adding that there was "no doubt in my mind he knew" that his brother, John Bennison, the church's youth minister, was having sex with her.

She described how twice, when she was 15, Charles Bennison had walked in on them and found them disheveled and breathless, with John Bennison visibly aroused on one occasion.

Indiana:

Ex-youth minister sentenced Apologizing for his actions in a case where he was accused of having a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old girl, Nathan St. Pierre told a judge on Monday that he stood before the court "broken and contrite."

On Monday, Vanderburgh Circuit Court Judge Carl Heldt sentenced St. Pierre, 26, to seven years in the Indiana Department of Correction, to be followed by 10 years as a registered sex offender.... He was accused of having a sexual relationship with a girl who was a member of Washington Avenue Baptist Church, where he worked as a youth choir director.

Georgia:

Had the case gone to trial, it would have involved the word of a former youth minister against a 15-year-old girl he counseled who claimed he molested her. In the end, Jeremy Patrick Gable, 31, reached a plea deal with prosecutors that kept him out of prison and allowed his accuser to avoid the ordeal of testifying at trial. Gable was originally charged with sexual battery in the April 2006 incident, but pleaded no contest to a charge of child abuse instead and was sentenced by Circuit Judge Gary Sweet to five years of probation. "I'm still claiming my innocence," Gable said, adding the plea was in his best interest. He could have faced up to five years in prison on the charge.

Gable, who worked at First Baptist Church of Port St. Lucie and counseled the girl at her mother's request, was accused of inappropriately touching the girl while they were painting his office at the church on Northeast Solida Drive. The girl claimed he also propositioned her for oral sex.

So it would appear that Italian men now have to provide proof of erection-obtaining-abilities to a Catholic priest in order to get married in the Church.

An Italian bishop has refused to allow a church wedding for a paraplegic man who was rendered impotent by a crippling automobile accident.

A spokesman for Bishop Lorenzo Chiarinelli of Viterbo explained that although the bride was aware of her fiancé's condition, their union could not be celebrated as a Christian marriage because impotence is grounds for annulment.

The Catholic priesthood: Nice work if you can get it, huh?

Thanks to Slog tipper Griet.

Even, it seems, his batshitcrazy evangelical "base." Reuters:

U.S. President George W. Bush got polite applause Tuesday for his brief, pre-taped video address to the Southern Baptist Convention, America’s largest evangelical denomination, which is holding its annual meeting in Indianapolis, Indiana.

That stood in marked contrast to the standing ovations he received last year from the same group when he did a live broadcast link to its meeting in San Antonio.

And they don't much like John McCain either:

They are also cool towards presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain. Several interviewed by Reuters saw him as the lesser of two liberals in the November White House matchup with his Democratic rival Barack Obama.

This post marks Jeremy White's first appearance in YPW, but I suspect that it won't be be his last. This just in from the great state of California:

The business is only one week old, but already it's drawing protests in Vacaville. In fact, those against the new Secrets Boutique lingerie shop are videotaping customers going in and out of the store, then plan to put that tape up on the Internet.

Holding a sign saying "Smile, You're on YouTube," protestors have a small camera set up and have been gathering in front of the store on East Monte Vista Avenue since it opened on the frontage road of Interstate 80 just west of the Nut Tree.

The point of controversy isn't the lingerie or body oils sold inside, but an adults-only room in the back of the store. The room is filled with sex toys and pornographic DVDs.

"We believe this is not the right place for a store with a high volume of pornography and other explicit adult materials to be sold," said Jeremy White, a local youth pastor leading the protest. "I don't see a lot of merit in the proliferation of pornography."

Fundamentalist Christians who rail against premarital sex, pornography, and homosexuality are, as we've seen time and again, frequently guilty of externalizing their own internal conflicts. From Swaggart to Haggard, conservative Christian ministers will attempt to control their own sinful desires—for porn, hookers, straight sex, gay sex, drugs, etc.—by "saving" others from these temptations. When Jimmy Swaggart railed against porn and hookers and exposed other televangelists as adulterers, Swaggart was really telling us something about himself. When mega-church pastor Ted Haggard railed against homosexuality (remember when Ted looked into the camera and said, "I know what you did last night"?), Haggard was really trying to tell us something about himself.

So when I read a story like this, I can't help but wonder what Jeremy White, youth pastor and anti-porn crusader, is trying to tell us about himself.

Anthony Clark, a farm worker from Tchula, says he prays every night for lower gasoline prices. He recently decided not to fix his broken 1992 Chevrolet Astro van because he could not afford the fuel.

At least according to a "prophet" from Texas:

Nuclear war will begin next Thursday, June 12, or sooner, according to the latest prediction of self-proclaimed prophet Yisrayl "Buffalo Bill" Hawkins, the founder of a religious sect in Abilene, Texas.

"It could be turned loose before then," Hawkins told 20/20 for a report to be broadcast tonight. "You're going to see this very soon, really soon," he said.

Hundreds of truck trailers have been loaded with food and water on the group's 44-acre compound, in preparation for the coming war.

Hawkins last declared the end times were upon us in in 2006:

As for people thinking he's crazy:

Hawkins says he does not care if people consider him a laughing stock.

"You know, the savior himself, told me not to worry about that. He said, 'They're going to hate you above all people on the face of the earth,'" Hawkins explained.

Here's Hawkins's latest prediction:

The only upside of the Rapture—the opening moments Armageddon during which fundamentalist Christians believe they will float bodily up to heaven before the real ugliness begins for those of us "left behind" on earth—will be the few brief moments (days, weeks) between the disappearance of all the Fundamentalist Christians and the appearance of the Anti-Christ, the mass-slaughter of Jews and the unsaved, the boiling of our blood in our veins, etc.

Imagine it—all the fundies gone, all at once. A few weeks of peace. No televangelists hectoring us about our sins, no Pat Robertson interviews on cable news, no mobs waving placards outside of abortion clinics. We'll be left at peace, if only for a few moments, before all the Revelations shit hits the prophesy fan. (Please note: I'm not longing for an earth free of Christians; not all Christians believe in the Rapture—Catholics, Orthodox, and most Protestants don't buy of on this Rapture nonsense.)

Well, it looks like the fundies are planning to nag us from the great beyond.

If millions of Christians suddenly disappear from the face of the Earth as the opening act for Armageddon, Threat Level thinks most nonbelievers will be too busy freaking the hell out to check their e-mail. But if they do log in, now they can be treated to some post-Rapture needling from their missing friends and loved ones, courtesy of web startup YouveBeenLeftBehind.com.

For just $40 a year, believers can arrange for up to 62 people to get a final message exactly six days after the Rapture.

We've already had an installment of Youth Pastor Watch today, and I don't want to spoil you kids—I know how much you enjoy these posts but they'll rot your teeth. Still, I can't resist tossing up a link to another youth-pastor-gone-schlong story. We've got another YPW-worthy story out of the great state of Pennsylvania, and it demonstrates something I've been complaining about:

Ex-youth pastor faces sex charges

Worked as youth minister at Christ Community Church, Kingston.

KINGSTON—A former youth pastor at a Kingston church was charged Wednesday with sexually assaulting two teen girls he was mentoring, police said.

Brian Andrew Neiswender, 26, surrendered with his attorney Jair Novajosky at the office of District Judge Paul J. Roberts Jr., where he was charged with two counts each of indecent assault and corruption of minors. He was released on $50,000 unsecured bail.

Police said Neiswender assaulted the two teens, now 18 and 17 years old, from September 2003 through February 2006 while he was a youth pastor at Christ Community Church on West Dorrance Street.

Neiswender was placed on a leave of absence from Heritage Baptist Church, Lakeland, Fla., on Tuesday, the Rev. Bill Boulet said.

Now wait just a minute there, Pennsylvania Times Leader: Brian Neiswender is not an "ex-youth pastor," as your headline would have us believe, nor is a "former youth pastor," as reporter Edward Lewis's lead would have us believe. He's not a "former" or an "ex" youth pastor today, even after his arrest. Back to your story:

“We were totally unaware of any of this and his history,” Boulet said. “As a result of the charges, as a precaution, he’s now on a leave of absence upon further review.”

Neiswender is listed on the Heritage Baptist Church Web site as pastor of youth ministries.

Not "ex," not "former." Brian Neiswender is merely a youth pastor on leave. So why do you describe him as "ex" and "former" in your headline and the story's lead?

I'll tell you why: Because the Times Leader, like the rest of the mainstream media, has a distinct and pronounced pro-youth-pastor, anti-shark bias. A shark that attacks a swimmer is never described as a "former shark," even if the shark has pulled from the water and killed. It's just a shark. Period. But a youth pastor that attacks—or is alleged to have attacked—two teenage girls is described as a "former youth pastor" even thought he is still employed as a youth pastor.

Now why is that? Why confuse readers by describing Neiswender as a "former" youth pastor even though Heritage Baptist Lake makes it clear that he hasn't been fired, merely suspended. Neiswender is not a "former" anything. Former to Kingston, perhaps, but you don't describe him as a former Kingstonite, but as a former youth pastor. Again, he's not—he was a youth pastor in Kingston and he's a youth pastor today—albeit at another franchise location of Jesus Christ Inc.

Here's what I think is going on here: Your reporter, Edward Lewis, labors under the pro-youth-pastor/anti-shark bias that infects so much of the mainstream media. And Mr. Lewis—consciously or subconsciously—sought to exonerate the sort of religious institutions that employ youth pastors. Most readers don't get past the headline, sub-head, and lead, as a journalism professional like Mr. Lewis surely knows, and that stray "former" gives casual readers the impression that the churches that employed Mr. Neiswender as a youth pastor sensed something was wrong and got rid of him before these alleged crimes were committed or came to light. Or that Mr. Neiswender lost the faith and abandoned his calling to be a youth pastor and only then did the unchurched and unemployed Mr. Neiswender (allegedly) go bad.

Again, if a shark had committed this crime—if a shark, as Mr. Neiswender is alleged to have done, had initiated games of hide and seek in a darkened church and subjected teenage girls to "inappropriate touch" (or had eaten them)—the Times Leader would not do the shark community the favor of describing the accused shark as a "former shark" or an "ex shark," particularly if the shark were still in the swim-and-eat-and-swim business.

The Poynter Institute has been notified of your misconduct, Times Leader.

Pennsylvania:

A suspended United Methodist minister from Conneautville faces a possible 28 years in prison and $60,000 in fines after pleading guilty Monday to four counts involving Internet pornography charges.

Charges stemmed from incidents earlier this year when the Rev. Steven Richard McGuigan exposed himself via a Web camera to an undercover agent with the state’s attorney general. McGuigan believed the agent was a teenage girl....

McGuigan was pastor of both Valley United Methodist Church in Conneautville and Hickernell United Methodist Church since November 2004. He also served as district youth leader for the Erie-Meadville district of the United Methodist Church. He was suspended from his ministerial duties following his arrest.

Texas:

A man accused of being a part of the serial bank robbing group dubbed the "Scarecrow Bandits" used to be a minister at a North Texas church, NBC 5 reported.

Tony Hewitt's family said although he did time in prison for drug charges, he was on the right path as a youth minister at Good Hope Missionary Baptist Church in Oak Cliff. Hewitt is the pastor's son and one of seven suspects arrested Monday by police and federal agents.

Louisiana:

A spiritual counselor for a youth rehabilitation center in New Orleans was arrested on charges that he tried to solicit sex over the Internet from a Kenner policeman posing as an underage girl. Kenner Police arrested Brett Lochmann after raiding the Greater New Orleans Teen Challenge where they say Lochmann lived and worked as a Pentecostal youth minister....

Kenner Police Chief Steve Caraway said Lochmann used a computer in his room and office to try to solicit sex from young girls. “(He was) chatting on the Internet, soliciting sex from this person he believed to be a young girl, sending lewd pictures of himself, a nude photo of himself.”

South Carolina/North Carolina:

Missing youth pastor found 'dazed'

Several hours after he was reported missing from a Surfside Beach church, a 32-year-old Horry County man was found "dazed and confused" inside his van on the side of a road in Manteo, N.C., the church's pastor said.

David Martin "Marty" Parker is an associate pastor at Glenns Bay Baptist Church [in South Carolina] and was reported missing Wednesday morning after church employees saw signs of a struggle inside Parker's office, said pastor Benjy Simmons.

"He's fine," Simmons said. "He does not know how he got to North Carolina."

The New York Times has a good story today about the newest rebranding efforts of the intelligent design proponents at Seattle's very own Discovery Institute.

Laura Beil goes over a few of the good old catchphrases--creationism to creation science to intelligent design--but it's useful to remember that there are also nitty-gritty PR tactics under those larger umbrella strategies. As newly favored phrases like "strengths and weaknesses" [of the theory of evolution] and "academic freedom" are being phased in (with the help of mass culture and new media propaganda in movie theaters and on YouTube), many others have been or are being phased out: "equal time for creation science" (this was dropped after the Supreme Court called bullshit on it in Edwards v. Aguillard; "intelligent design" appeared soon thereafter), "abrupt appearance theory," "critical analysis of evolution," "teach the controversy," etc. Others are being retracted so you'll only hear them in creation-friendly audiences: "Evolution is a theory in crisis," "evolution is just or only a theory," "evolutionist," etc.

Intelligent design is a legal strategy wrapped in a robustly funded public relations campaign. (In terms of content, it's still dependent on the tired old God-of-the-gaps reasoning of 18th-century philosopher William Paley, who died before Charles Darwin had been born.) Sound, innovative ideas don't need that kind of arsenal to succeed in the public sphere.

Michigan:

Ex-youth director to serve 4 to 20

His lower lip began to quiver and Troy Deal wiped away tears as a judge told him what his prison sentence meant.

"If you commit a crime and get convicted of it, you have to pay the price," Calhoun County Circuit Judge Stephen Miller said Monday. "And it's sad for you and your wife and your children." ... But, Miller said, because Deal was convicted he must spend between four and 20 years in prison.

Deal, 35, was sentenced Monday on 11 counts of using a computer to solicit a child for sexually abusive material, distributing sexually abusive material and communicating with a child for immoral purposes.

He was convicted in April by a jury after he was arrested by the Michigan Attorney General's office, which alleged he engaged in explicit chats over the Internet with agents of the AG's office posing as 13 and 14-year-old girls. The agents testified they conducted Internet chats with Deal for more than 20 months before he was arrested in 2007.

Okay, um... gee.

I don't want to be accused of being soft on adults communicating over the Inernets with children for immoral purposes. I take a hard line on that sort of stuff—particularly when the adult communicating a child for immoral purposes is a youth pastor, like Mr. Deal here. But investigators spent 20 months—nearly two years—chatting up this guy. He never once attempted to arrange a meeting with any of the "children" with whom he was chatting, he's never been convicted of a crime, and there's no evidence that he ever chatter with anyone other than an investigator.

There's not a lot of sympathy out there for folks that are attracted to minors, but entrapment is entrapment even when we're talking about creepy youth pastors. And I can't help but wonder if this poor motherfucker wouldn't be facing 4-20 if the police hadn't invested so much time—and so much of the taxpayer's money—in 20 months of online chats. I mean, who was grooming who here?

The judge in this case signaled from the bench that he too was uncomfortable with the investigation—and the stiff sentence that he was required to hand down:

Miller acknowledged a range of thought about adults posing as children and then arresting suspects who propose having sex with them.

"You can see the laws are harsh," he said. "But there is a legitimate concern that people use the Internet to entice children to do strange things."

He said the law and the sentencing guidelines, which are binding for judges, are passed by the Legislature, but no matter what people think about them, they are the law in Michigan.

Again, there's also no evidence that Deal ever chatted with any other child, or anyone that he thought was a child, and I assume that the police ripped apart every computer that the man had ever touched. But the absence of this evidence, according to Michigan Assistant Attorney General Kelly Carter, isn't evidence of absence.

"He was a youth pastor and was guiding the development of young people. It is disturbing that it was the same class he was chosen to mentor and guide," Carter said, noting Deal suggested group sex and acts of sexual submission by children in his chats.

Yes, that youth pastor does have disturbing fantasies—but lots of adults have disturbing fantasies that they do no act on. Including, presumably, Mrs. Carter.

And Carter said while Deal was corresponding with adult agents, "his luck couldn't be so bad that the only ones he was talking to were undercover agents."

No I'm no lawyer, but it seems to me that the prosecutor here is arguing that there's no such thing as entrapment. If an undercover police officer tempts you into committing a crime, she basically states, a jury can infer that you have committed the same crime at other times, and in other places, even if there's nothing to indicate that you ever committed this crime without the police laying out the welcome mat. No further proof required, no more evidence need be presented.

New Jersey:

A former youth minister was sentenced to five years in prison Friday for his involvement in a two-year sexual relationship with a 15-year-old member of the church's youth group.

Paul D. Glover, 33, of Hattiesburg, Miss., sat solemn in court Friday morning, squeezing the hand of a woman sitting to his left and exchanging a brief hug before being sentenced....

The story began some three years ago when Glover, then a Glassboro, New Jersey, resident and youth minister, began a sexual relationship with a 15-year-old member of the Church of Christ's youth group.... For two years, the youth minister and the teenage girl saw each other, allegedly engaging in multiple sexual encounters across the county.

The relationship became public when the girl, fearing that she might be pregnant, told her family. She had taken three pregnancy tests, all of which erroneously registered positive, when she broke the news, explained church officials.

Sharks attack a few tourists and it's huge news. It's a disturbing development! An ominous pattern! A threatening trend! Meanwhile American youth pastors run riot—many of them raping kids—from one end of the country to another and... crickets.

Now I know that most youth pastors aren't raping kids. But most sharks aren't eating tourists either. So what explains the different coverage of these relative threats? Either the media has an anti-shark bias and is constantly on the lookout for stories and patterns of stories that make sharks look like vicious predators... or the media has a pro-religion bias and ignores stories and patterns of stories that make youth pastors look like vicious predators.

Whatever the cause, I think this is an issue that America's ombudsmen and public editors need to address.

A number of Slog tipsters have written to commiserate about the deep ickiness they felt upon encountering the just-released old photos of imprisoned FLDS leader Warren Jeffs and two of his tender young brides.

As the Smoking Gun reports:

The photos were introduced Friday at a child custody hearing stemming from last month's raid at a Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS) compund. Jeffs, the former FLDS leader...is pictured with a girl named Loretta in three photos, which were snapped in January 2005 and recorded the couple's "First Anniversary." Six other images show Jeffs, now 52, in July 2006 photos with a girl named Merrianne, who was 12 at the time.

Ugh.

Arizona:

After hearing the victim’s mother plead for justice Tuesday, Judge R. Douglas Holt ordered a man accused of two counts of molesting a young girl to prison for five years. Holt sentenced Jeremy Daniel Clark, 25, of Safford to serve five years in the Arizona Department of Corrections on a charge of sexual abuse, a class three felony....

Judge Holt ordered Clark to have no contact with any pornography and no contact with any minor. In previous correspondence with the court, Clark stated he wanted to get a good job, buy a house and serve as a minister for area youths.

“Start a youth ministry—no way,” Holt said. “There’s no way, as a sex offender, that the court or probation will countenance you becoming a youth minister for any church. You will have no contact with kids, period.”

Florida:

Seven women and five men will decide whether movies distributed by a Hollywood movie producer who uses the name Max Hardcore violate the standards of the Tampa area community and are criminally obscene....

Potential jurors were told that if they were selected to judge the case, they would have a duty to view the videos. Several jury candidates said they would have trouble viewing such scenes, including a youth minister who said he struggled to overcome a pornography addiction and would have trouble if he had to watch those videos again.

Who is this guy?

Oh, Lord, I'm swooning here.

The Christian dating website BigChurch.com is owned and operated by Various, Inc., a "social networking giant," which itself is owned and operated by Penthouse Media Group—which also owns and operates AdultFriendFinder.com, Bondage.com, and Penthouse.com. Wired's sex columnist, the terrific Regina Lynn, who writes...

It's not like BigChurch isn't about sex. It's just more subtle than a site that's explicitly aimed at swingers. BigChurch's function is to connect people whose concepts of sex are tied so closely to faith and doctrine that it can be difficult to meet potential partners in more traditional settings.

Many people who identify as Christians have a fairly secular attitude toward premarital sex, while others believe in sexual pleasure within marriage. A handful still relegate sex to procreation, and God forbid that you (or at least, she) enjoy it.

With all this variation, it's possible that Christians benefit more from online dating than even kinky people do, in that they don't waste as much time chatting up people who don't share their particular beliefs. After all, with an online matchmaker, it's just a matter of checking the right boxes.

Thanks to Slog tipper Miss Poppy.