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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Do You Have a Head? Do You Have $200? Do You Hate It When Forest Creatures Are Alive?

posted by on September 30 at 12:59 PM

Welcome to Fur Hat World!


How about Coonskin Hat With Face for $189.95 $129.95:


Lookin' good there, mannequin. Nothing like a hat with its own face. And here's the ever-popular Coyote Fur Mountain Man Hat for $429.95 $289.95:


Hmmm. It's not a hat, per se, is it? Really more of a dessicated pelt draped o'er the head. I mean, I just don't know if Coyote Fur Mountain Man Hat is a sensible purchase for anyone who isn't the skinned and reanimated innards of a coyote. Realistically, where are you going to wear it? The PTA meeting? The gym?


Hey, wait! Where are you going? I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Okay, it's a hat, and it looks totally good on you. Yeesh, you're touchy. Please don't be mad.


That's better. Let's make out.

Thanks to Melissa and Meags for the link

Monday, September 29, 2008

The Ad Man

posted by on September 29 at 11:02 AM

Yes, I know, I know, unlike Amanda Knox and Raffaele Sollecito, Rudy Hermann Guede (the African brother at the center of Meredith murder), is in handcuffs:
But what first caught my eye is Sean John.
Is this an endorsement? Is this how Rudy is paying for his lawyers? What other Sean John gear can we expect to see in the near future?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

CNN Headline News

posted by on September 25 at 3:59 PM

Banking on the sexiness of wearing the news, CNN is proudly promoting t-shirts emblazoned with headlines. Most of today’s headlines from CNN, of course, would make for dreadfully dull t-shirts. For instance, who wants to go popping around wearing “Senator calls economic meeting a distraction”? Not me. So they’ve picked the hilarious headlines like “Colors shifting on CNN electoral map.” Woo hoo. Instead, you should be allowed to pick out any headline you like for a customized t-shirt. Such as:





What t-shirt would you make?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Fashion Police Accountability

posted by on September 18 at 10:56 AM

A judge says Riviera Beach's "saggy pants" law is unconstitutional in the case of a 17-year-old who spent a night in jail for having his underwear showing.

And a public defender said her office wants to get the law tossed altogether.

Julius Hart was charged Wednesday when an officer spotted him riding his bicycle in the 2800 block of Lakeshore Drive with 4 to 5 inches of blue and black boxer shorts sticking out of his black pants.

A first offense carries a $150 fine or a requirement of community service; only habitual offenders face the possibility of jail time. But, a report said, the charge against Hart meant a violation of his probation on a marijuana possession charge, so he went to jail.

"Somebody help me," Palm Beach Circuit Judge Paul Moyle said. "We're not talking about exposure of buttocks. No! We're talking about someone who has on pants whose underwear are apparently visible to a police officer who then makes an arrest and the basis is he's then held overnight, no bond. No bond!" the judge exclaimed.

Once again marijuana and bad fashion conspired against better judgment by a cop. At least the judge was sober about it. You can see an illustration of where hiked-up drawers become hiked-up penalties in Flint, Michigan over here.

Monday, August 4, 2008

This Season in Macabre

posted by on August 4 at 10:52 AM

I: Davy Jones's Foot Locker

As Dominic linked on the Morning News, another (possible) foot has washed up on the West Coast, this one in Clallam County, 14 miles south of Canada:

Clallam County Undersheriff Ron Peregrin said the Washington shoe is similar to three of those found in Canada: the remains appear to be from a human right foot and were inside a man's low-cut athletic shoe, possibly used for hiking.

"But this is a considerable distance to where the others were found in Canadian waters," he said. "And one that was found was a hoax, so we want to be certain."

Police will begin their DNA extraction—boiling; drilling; concentrating really, really hard—which will take six to eight weeks.

Rest of the story here.

II: Head Gear

Last week's Greyhound Gothic (in which a Canadian man stabbed his seatmate, sawed off his head, and displayed it to the rest of the horrified passengers) has been reprised on a small Greek archipelago called Santorini (population 13,000):



The trail of violence began when the man used a butcher's knife to decapitate his girlfriend's dog on the balcony of their home in the village of Vourvoulos, near Santorini's main town Thira.

Next, Mr Arvanitis allegedly killed his girlfriend, a 25-year-old teacher called Adamantia Karkali, by stabbing her in the armpit.

He then cut her head off and began parading it around the streets.

During a dramatic chase, Mr Arvanitis tried and failed to behead a policeman. He was then shot five times and arrested.

He eventually threw the head into one police car, stole a police jeep, then hit two women riding on a scooter. Police shot him, then flew him to a hospital on the mainland.

The Canadian beheader worked at a fast-food restaurant. The Greek beheader is a chef.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

The Chia Shoe

posted by on July 31 at 11:00 AM

For some reason, Krispy Kreme branches in London are selling flip-flops with real grass growing on the soles. The grass lives for four months or so, if cared for properly.


Supposedly, it's a way to feel less stressed-out in an urban environment, but I'm still not sure why Krispy Kreme ka—ahem—cares whether people are stressed-out or not. Don't agitated people eat more glazed doughnuts?

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I Like To Think These Make Boys' Hands Bounce Right Off

posted by on July 29 at 10:05 AM

Apropos of Dave's post, I give you...

Abstinence thongs!


In case you can't read the text on the crotch, it says: "Earn your right to wear white. Abstain."

Here's the text from the designer: "Panty-minimalists love our casual thong that covers sweet spots without covering your assets; putting an end to panty-lines. This under-goodie is "outta sight" in low-rise pants. Toss these message panties onstage at your favorite rock star or share a surprise message with someone special ... later."

The best part: It also doubles as a hymen!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Thus Sayeth Richard Cohen

posted by on July 22 at 1:26 PM

On tattoos, in the Washington Post:

Tattoos are the emblems of our age. They bristle from the biceps of men in summer shirts, from the lower backs of women as they ascend stairs, from the shoulders of basketball players as they drive toward the basket, and from every inch of certain celebrities. The tattoo is the battle flag of today in its war with tomorrow. It is carried by sure losers.

Via Swampland.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Speaking of T-Shirt Slogans...

posted by on July 16 at 1:49 PM

...I'd like to say something to the person I walked past last night: If you were the guy who was crouched on the sidewalk with your laptop on your knee, stealing wifi from the closed cafe around the corner while wearing a t-shirt with this message:


You, sir, are all class.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Saying No to Crack

posted by on July 13 at 3:32 PM

Flint, Michigan was declared one of America's most dangerous cities last year, a distinction resented by the police chief. He said it's a safe town. And to make sure it stays that way, interim Chief David Dicks is cracking down on Flint's leading menace: Butts.

Sagging pants, popularized by prison inmates, are now deemed illegal in Flint, punishable by 93 days to a year in jail and a $500 fine. But where do loose trousers end and criminal activity begin? The Flint Police Department has drafted this useful diagram to help.


"Some people call it a fad," Dicks told the Free Press this week while patrolling the streets of Flint. "But I believe it's a national nuisance. It is indecent and thus it is indecent exposure, which has been on the books for years."

On June 27, the chief issued a departmental memorandum telling officers: "This immoral self expression goes beyond freedom of expression."

Chief Dicks is an asscrack, clearly. It would be legal to walk around in boxer shorts--they're shorts, and shorts are legal--but if you partly wear pants over the shorts then it's disorderly? If Seattle also had its head up its ass and were to legislate fashion for public safety, we would require looser pants. Hipsters' pants are too tight. They're losing circulation to their feet, and, unless we act, it's just a matter of time until Seattle becomes a city of camel-toe and moose-knuckle amputees.

Via the Chronicle Blog.

Friday, July 11, 2008


posted by on July 11 at 11:59 AM


She's just an inch or three away from FLDS hair, and has that extra-white inbred look, featuring the just-very-slightly wonky eye. Her suit enjoys that tedious off-center closure and has that crappy little pleated puff at the top of the sleeve, which is a small detail, but speaks volumes as to the hideousness of her taste. (I've looked in vain for a picture of her in the orange sweater/white skirt combo she wore a last week. That was an inappropriate look, I thought. The informality was good, but with her hair down and the big gold sunglasses, she was rather Housewives of Orange County.)

May I suggest this dress, from the Chanel couture show?


It's like an expensive gift wrap for an adulterous (trollop/cunt) rich lady. It is also hideous and gray, so might suit her taste. It has deep folds in which to hide things like John's creepy fake smiles, offensive attempts at humor, and her own criminal past. The cinched waist keeps it real, because real fancy heiresses don't actually eat—except for occasional nibbles of the tasty sacramental flesh of the poor!

Now to get those maddening thoughts of inherited wealth and ruling-class entitlement out of your head, here's Betty Hutton! For Fnarf! Sing along for fun!