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Monday, November 3, 2008

ESPN’s Moronic Interview With the Candidates

posted by on November 3 at 19:53 PM

Obama and McCain just showed up in the middle of my football game. I’d rather have gotten some news on Kyle Orton’s ankle. My fantasy team could be in trouble!

I was under the impression that the interviews w be live. Instead, I got two bland, obnoxious taped interviews with questions like “What did you learn about yourself [on the campaign trail?” and “if you could change one thing in sports, what would it be?”


Here’s a rundown of the Q&A:

Berman: What did you learn about yourself?

Obama: “I don’t get too high when things are going well and I don’t get too low when things are tough. We just try to run our game plan and don’t get distracted too much.”

I was getting a beer and missed McCain’s answer. Sorry.

Berman: “If you could change one thing in sports, what would that be?”

Obama: “I think it’s about time we had playoffs in college football.”

I actually kind of dug this answer and he said it like he meant it and it’s a legitimate point of debate amongst sports nerds. McCain, on the other hand, got all crazy and hawkish.

McCain: “I’d take significant action to prevent the use of performance enhancing drugs. Right now…someone’s trying to develop something that can’t be detected. I think it can attack the very integrity of all sports going down to high school.”

Wooooo! War on drugs!!!

On top of the general craziness of the answer, McCain said it in a way that seemed to imply that steroid manufacturers are just below Al-Qaeda on the totally-fucking-evil scale.

Berman: “What’s the best piece of advice you’ve received in the sports world?”

Obama, talking about his college(?) basketball coach: “He said to me, look, it’s not about you, it’s about the team. It took me awhile to really understand that.”

McCain:”I think the most important lesson was, you’ve always got to do the honorable thing. Even when nobody’s looking. Maybe nobody will know, but you’ll know.”

Berman also asked Gramps—but not Obama—what the one personal quality McCain wanted people to know about:

McCain, in Chris Berman’s obnoxious sportscaster style: “He. Could. Go. All. The. Way. To the White House.”

The whole thing ended with Berman telling McCain that the Arizona Cardinals’ rise to the top of the NFC West could be an omen for his chances tomorrow. Then Gramps quoted one of his contemporaries:

McCain:: “Hope springs eternal in the human breast.”


UPDATE: The Steelers D punched traitorous Jim Zorn in the dick for four quarters. Final score: 23-6. It absolutely killed my fantasy team, but if it means a win for Obama I’ll cope.


RSS icon Comments


Seriously, the college football playoff answer may just be answer that puts the cherry on top of this election for Obama. Any real American knows that the BCS system is run by elitist Northeastern latte drinkers who have disdain for small-market teams.

Posted by Bub | November 3, 2008 8:00 PM

Obama mentioned Bobby Knight. Fucking genius. Now he's gonna win Indiana!

Posted by DOUG. | November 3, 2008 8:01 PM

Somebody should really get that lady a skirt and some comfy shoes.

Posted by Jessica | November 3, 2008 8:04 PM

All is well. Obama's gonna win, as the Steelers are up by 16.

Posted by uncle baggy | November 3, 2008 8:10 PM

Hate to break it to you, old man, but they can't detect the stuff they're using now -- the steroids era is long over. It's all about HGH and other hormones now, and there will never be any way to detect anything. The dopers are miles ahead of the testers, and the difference gets wider every day.

In other words: McCain doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. As usual.

Posted by Fnarf | November 3, 2008 8:11 PM

Ugh. She looks exactly like my sister.

Posted by Mr. Poe | November 3, 2008 8:12 PM

I had to forward that to the family. $20 says it's her and she has something lucrative to share.

Posted by Mr. Poe | November 3, 2008 8:15 PM

Money says, thanks to the pic, that this is Charles's favorite non-his post of all time.

Posted by Yank me, crank me | November 3, 2008 8:18 PM

@5 Your comment is so stupid.. So all the major sports governing bodies should just stop testing then since according to you it's useless ? I bet if it comes out of the chosen one's mouth you'll be gushing it profusely.

Posted by Odrama | November 3, 2008 8:18 PM

It's mandatory for everyone to kvetch about drugs and sports, Odrama, but at least Obama would have to be pressed. Nobody is going to say, "I think we should just mind our own business" or "whatever. What's the use?" That would be too cool for school. Obama isn't cool. He's just a good candidate. If I had the chance I'd still punch him in the face and piss on his dead grandma.

Posted by someone | November 3, 2008 8:24 PM

@10 - So who beat you worse, Moms or Pops?

Posted by Someone else | November 3, 2008 8:27 PM

Daddy beat me while mommy sucked me off.

Posted by someone | November 3, 2008 8:27 PM

Once the days of performance-enhancing cybernetic implants are upon us we'll be longing for the good ole days of steroids.

Posted by flamingbanjo | November 3, 2008 8:31 PM

"If I had the chance I'd still punch him in the face and piss on his dead grandma."
nice try. you wouldn't have the guts to do it and you know it. the hate filled garbage you're spewing should be coming back your way soon. good luck finding someone/something else to project all of your fucking anger and immature attitude on

Posted by 4f...sake | November 3, 2008 8:34 PM

It would be easy. There are so many options. Are you serious?

Posted by someone | November 3, 2008 8:42 PM

Fun thanksgiving, eh Poe? "Mom, Dad, about these implants... it's not what you think."

As for my hope, it springs eternal in breasts, plural.

Posted by Greg | November 3, 2008 8:42 PM

Do you think crazy beer money made this happen? Or did someone political actually think this was a good idea?

Posted by snakes | November 3, 2008 8:43 PM

She doesn't need implants. She's had watermelons on her chest since her first vaginal vacuuming.

Posted by Mr. Poe | November 3, 2008 8:44 PM

I am serious. It's easy to project onto someone or something that you have no personal connection to-or maybe you do have a personal connection with Obama and you just haven't had the opportunity y'know with the election and everything going on to punch him and more recently piss on his dead Grandma.

Posted by 4f...sake | November 3, 2008 8:59 PM

The best way to improve football: simply replace it with soccer (i.e. football).

Posted by kinaidos | November 3, 2008 9:01 PM

@1 got news for you. Everyone has disdain for small market teams.

And this joint has the lock on latte drinkers.

And sucky sports teams.

Posted by veryfinewhine | November 3, 2008 9:19 PM

@20, but then you'd have no purpose for posting in football threads.

the playoff is a great idea...if it didn't make games at the end of worth less and invalidate conference championships. last years last 3 weeks were the best of college football.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | November 3, 2008 9:20 PM

Obama is right about the BCS being a load of horse shit. Penn State is a victim of the rest of its conference mailing it in and may not get a shot at the national championship as a result? Fucking bullshit.

And what exactly are they spraying on that cheerleader?

Posted by PA Native | November 3, 2008 9:37 PM

No. A playoff system would make games like the 2007 Fiesta Bowl meaningless quarterfinals.

Also, @20, you have no business in this thread.

Posted by joykiller | November 3, 2008 9:41 PM

Sweet! I win, again. 3 out of the last 4 games is quite a streak for the collection of shitheads that make up my team. If only I hadn't lost the first 6 games....

Poe, I wanna meet you sister. I love chicks who are in to abortions! Plus if her boobs are as big as you say they are, I want to meet her before they end up in her waistband.

Posted by wisepunk | November 3, 2008 10:17 PM

Get in line wisepunk.

Posted by daniel | November 4, 2008 8:22 AM

Not so fast, Dan.

Republican lawyers are meeting in NYC right now to challenge the final score.

Updates coming soon.

Posted by Jay Severin Has A Small Pen1s | November 4, 2008 9:39 AM

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