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Sore losers are retarded.

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 7, 2008 12:57 PM

Liberal conspiracy? Have these people ever seen an actual group of liberals in action? Liberals can't agree on lunch. You'd be more likely to see an organized conspiracy of house-cats than liberals.

Posted by flamingbanjo | October 7, 2008 1:03 PM

I bet these people watch Leno.

Posted by w7ngman | October 7, 2008 1:05 PM

Howard the Duck...a flop! No way, Slog, where else can you see hot duck-on-Lea Thompson action. Anyways, I was one of the 15 people who saw American Carol, because I really wanted to like it, but it didn't do bad because of some "libtard" conspiracy, it just wasn't very funny.

Posted by LT Nixon | October 7, 2008 1:12 PM


True dat. When I was on the Executive Board for the 32nd District Dems, we had a saying - which presumably has been around for decades, if not longer: "calling ourselves a 'Democratic Party ORGANIZATION' is an oxymoron, just on the face of it."

And yeah, although Vivendi would probably LOVE to cut-and-run on this turkey, the very idea that there's some VLWC on the part of motion picture presenters to deliberately deflate attendance numbers is so far beyond the pale of reason as to be truly laughable.

Although, if the wing-nuts actually BELIEVE Automated Ticketing Machines can be so easily reprogrammed, then why wouldn't they think the same thing about, say, only slightly more complicated electronic voting machines?

Posted by COMTE | October 7, 2008 1:28 PM

Oh no, David Zucker??? Bummer.

Posted by Levislade | October 7, 2008 1:33 PM

Every anti Iraq war movie has been a giant fucking flop as well.

Posted by Tooth Fairy | October 7, 2008 1:33 PM

Seriously? They think there is a vast liberal ticket-sale-hiding conspiracy? For real?

Like, if there was a nationwide bunch of liberals, and they decided to form a conspiracy, I'm sure the first thing they'd think of to conspire about would be to under report movie ticket sales. Not conspire about the presidential election, or global warming, or the economic meltdown, or evolution, or the price of oil. None of that. Movie ticket sales.

Got it. Good to know.

Posted by Reverse Polarity | October 7, 2008 1:45 PM

Just another sad stint to get some publicity. Wait a second did I say sad? That would imply some sympathy.
Fuck them and their stupid hack of a movie.

Posted by Lord Summerisle | October 7, 2008 1:47 PM

You forgot question #3, who gives a flying fuck what that talentless hack David Zucker thinks?

Posted by AMB | October 7, 2008 1:48 PM

I'm smack in the middle of a liberal state, and a liberal city, (Los Angeles) and I've seen the title "American Carol" on the marquee of the local multi-plex, in letters 2 feet high.

So if the pimply=faced teen employees of a theater in L.A. aren't progressive and sneaky enuf to leave that title off a marquee -- where in the bleepin' country would they do it?

Umm, nowhere. 'Cause the manager of the theater is in business to sell to tickets to all their shows.

Also: if patrons had been sold "the wrong tickets" -- they can still walk themselves to the right theater, providing they can read the signs outside each, or are conscious enuf to know the difference between one film and another. ("Hey, what are all those little dogs doin' in American Carol?)

On the other hand: Theater owners aren't happy about empty seats, so they'd tend to notice if a theater was full, but the ticket receipts don't reflect that.

That's how they make their money: full theaters (and popcorn.) They want to hang on to a film that brings in patrons, and dump one that doesn't.

Projection, much? Rethugs always assume we'd be as petty, underhanded and devious as they are.

Posted by judybrowni | October 7, 2008 1:57 PM

Oh shit, they're onto me and my liberal co-conspirators. I remember it like it was yesterday: We were all sitting around, talking about how our Democratic majority in Congress can't do shit when we heard there was supposed to be a conservative piece of shit comedy. We drew up plans. We synchronized our watches. And then...we all didn't go see it at the same time because it looks like it sucks. You got me, Zucker!

Posted by Dr. Pants | October 7, 2008 2:02 PM

Conservatives are always wrong about everything. Generalization? I think not.

Posted by Vince | October 7, 2008 2:09 PM

I am a victim of this conspiracy! I have the ticket stub for Igor to prove it!

Posted by iflurry | October 7, 2008 2:15 PM

The real conspiracy was one that replaced all the cans of this brilliant, insightful piece of filmmaking with the leaden Zucker-directed shit that was shown on the screens. It was funny! Really!

I'm lying. I heard a clip on the radio. The premise was that Michael Moore's documentaries caused us to lose the War on Terror, leading to all retail businesses in the country being run by Osama Bin Laden. Which is a mind-numbingly stupid ripoff of Demolition Man's "Now all restaurants are Taco Bell!", which was actually funny.

Seems to me that Bin Laden DID win the War on Terror, and successfully destroyed our national ability to operate successfully overseas, AND collapsed our economy. But all of that was under GWB, not Michael Moore (who hasn't really done much of anything in years).

Posted by Fnarf | October 7, 2008 2:18 PM

"Showers and Stalls."
Copywrite, October 7, 2008 Daniel Bennett Kieneker for The"special".

Mr. Poe and Co. apparently need some
re-hab training...

possibly in the UGM where they can cool off in the greenlake showers for a while and listen in on "subversives" soaping for the sporting life.

Paul Constant... Agent Miller Harris here, reporting for booty as requested...

For those of you least affected by the horrendously poor writing and predictable factoring of the analytical panderists, who in flagrant violation of "effectual hic-up-itis"...

(that little yellow jaundiced condition of weepy mopes)

... where in and where as the culprits idealized rarely measure up or in two, the character advertised...

here is the latest distraction from the real news dissemination service to be delivered in part, by a new color gaurd for receiverships later in the week at tonight's Presidential debate.

In the hope's of breaking all the rules except those out on the tiles....

this "distractionist" will for the most part enter into the book, pieces of evidence, witnessed events and causually discreet observations in the hopes of "titillating tantalization"...

where within lay certain manuevered stories found no-where else on the planet in such scathing fashion and anticipated wonder.

Ladies and gentlemen... start your immaginations...

For those who love,

" The Sporting Life " .

I was listening to KEXP the other day to the 'The Decemberists', who were sweetly reminding the listeners paying attention of the wonderous advantages of creberal attentiveness during their preceeding inspirational musings, observations, and the subsequent publication of

" The Sporting Life " .

This storyline, while acknowledging and giving the nod of ascent to their song title "The Sporting Life", lays "no claim" on their secrets, privacy contracts or demurred shyness in favor of smiling agreement.

I do as a writer, thank them for the great visual word recognition platform with which to think as they may have 'thunk'...

and hopefully offer something worthy as a measure of humor, wit or inspired deftness and cleaverism.

For those ladies... and by that I am speaking to the women reading in various placements relating to their experiance in life... school, work... advanced sexual positioning.... here is an amusement on

(my play on masculinity...)

and the aquiessance of servitude."

Many of the readership unfamiliar with the hectic scheduling of embedded journalism and (invented creative discourse), may wonder " just how " the imaginative fictional sexual protagonist can


stay clean and healthy...



feed himself on less than a dollar a day and still not blow the corporate advertising sponsors pro track for someone poorly identified as a causual observer.

This of course is managed in various forms...

and here is an amusing tale cut up for the benefit of protecting day to day characters who are wrongly identified in the next days cereal logs as

agent a, or b, or x, or sssseeeeexxxxx.

While showering today, at the Greenlake Bath House, I waited just long enough to deduce that the long shower award was going to go to the naked black man in the shower before entering into the "shower proper".

Upon dis-robement,

( this is important for the women who favor modesty and humility in the public bath )

as walking from the locker room to the shower, entails an open breeze way between outside door and inside sanitary sewer, the sink facillities, and this excuse....

"....that is PRECISELY why an observer waiting with modesty can here the water running in the shower room from the waiting locker room."

There, inside the shower room, after soaping up with a luxuriously fragrant Four Seasons scent Miller and Harris, inattention of laxidaisical awareness tried it's "intrusive natured sentiment" to " break my gaze at the floor... my ankles and thighs...".

This from a clinical side note, found in it's masculine form, to be recognized as an "institutionalized regard for space in the intern showers for the imprisoned mind",

in a more colorful form... "neglegently more political"... is known as...

"jockee-ing for "alpha male position".

These paticular showers... five shower- heads deep, give ample room for two or three men to shower in silence,

(and of course for anyone familiar with the old silent movie approach to film editing and screen writers inspirational momentary lapse of directorial control...)

"room with which to send out the signals and cues for which more violent and crowded situations have torn usunder countries, continents and cock-masters hell bent on waking the dead at dawn after a bar-room brawl on a hot tin saturday night in the hoose-gow."

Did I mention political aspirationists yet?

Well, dear reader... read on as it only gets better with time, age and money... lot's of dirty, filthy money.....

Imagine if you will... "a sordid race to clean up budgetary restraining orders from congress to constable, europe to euthanisa, sex lies and drug dens to expert witness tampering and paid professional consorts with very beautiful sports figures and HUGE payroles"....

and then imagine a newbee writer trying to make it through his first year of breaking and entering into The

From a far away location where none of it's local friends, neighbors or workers recognize the face behind the pen and paper and e-mail address...

that has the makings of....


So... here we were.... in the shower...

thinking of course about tonights suragates in the speech writers guild who were pulling out their hair amid edits and re-writes...

publisher cancellations and diva constraints...

and the inevitable call from the lighting director claiming the stylist and make-up team would be late because their $ 5,000 dollar an hour client held them over for cocktails and appetizers....

which in turn led to an around the world flight and a permanent contract with the worlds largest rock and roll band tour in history.

My concentration and ankle gaze was interrupted by a leg kicking forward as I soaped my back-side.

I didn't even flich.

( Hint: when being non-homophobic in the
public bath, ignore taunts for
political advantage.)

I just kept up the pace of my "soapage", and lathered away the last couple of days events, and proceeded to use what would amount to two thirds of the gifted Four Seasons scent, Miller and Harris.

And what a glorious fragrance it is... the lather has a stimulating effect on my skin... awakened and alive as the warm water rolled down my torso.

About the time one decides on affecting the scientific studies of physics, psychology and human interaction, the temptress of seductions enters the play to "thawrt" the "hubri" of "chi".

(Here is where the politics begin to sputter...)

Spotsmen around the globe have differing traditions, superstitions and familiar tokens of appreciation in the catalouges of "the tests of manhood".

About the time I tried to reasonably dissuade my mind from racial colorations and the naety business of "political haymaking"....

I noticed from the sidelong glance of un-intentional periphial vision,{T.D. Sporting life's The DECEMBERISTS},who in fact were not in the shower, but who's song had forwarned me of "entrapment" and personal bigotry in humility.

I therefore shifted my bodies rotation to another side of the wall, where I noticed more kicking as I soaped my genetailia.

Why would someone stay so long in the shower and keep kicking just because someone at the other shower stall ( two showerheads away) soaped their genatalia????


if you haven't been their ladies...

I wouldn't know either.

Ther goes the story... the press agent said as the political speech writer watched from the other side of two cellular phones stuffed into the pockets of a third party who had entered the showers...

and the closing bell went off in alarm.

Posted by danielbennettkieneker | October 7, 2008 2:30 PM

@ 16

Seriously, wtf?

And if there is a real liberal conspiracy I wish they'd get in touch with me. I could use the extra work.

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | October 7, 2008 2:35 PM
premise was that Michael Moore's documentaries caused us to lose the War on Terror, leading to all retail businesses in the country being run by Osama Bin Laden

Isn't this actually more of a parody of right-wingers? I'm not seeing how that's supposed to be funny, let alone a "right wing" comedy.

Posted by w7ngman | October 7, 2008 2:38 PM

@2, that's my email signature now. Forget my name.

Posted by Leslie N. | October 7, 2008 4:04 PM

@16 - Up the dosage.

Posted by Geni | October 7, 2008 5:09 PM

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