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Yeah, umm, he sorta glossed over the "hit some rocky times" portion, and then when he hit the "I made it clear that I wasn’t going to wait forever for her to completely trust me again" that kinda made a red flag go up. Did he read her diary, did he hack into her email, did he sleep with her mother?

Something happened, and it would have to be pretty big for her to stop wanting to have sex. I think they should both move on. Trust is crucial to any relationship. If he betrayed her 5 months in, he's not a keeper.

Posted by Charm | October 7, 2008 2:52 PM

I agree with you Charm (and Dan) this guy left out some pretty key details. Since she's not sleeping with him, I'm guessing it's something like he slept with her best friend/brother/sister/etc.

Posted by Karla | October 7, 2008 3:04 PM

I think he should kill himself.

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 7, 2008 3:05 PM

Still, whether he did or not is water under the bridge. She can't realistically wait forever to see if she'll ever trust him again. Sex must resume or the relationship is doomed. If she's not into it, then leave. She doesn't get an entire year to decide if she's going to forgive him or not.

Posted by Fnarf | October 7, 2008 3:07 PM

I hate to suggest mind games, but in this case, one is called for.

He needs to dump her. Not because she won't fuck him, but because "the relationship isn't working." I guaran-fucking-tee once she realizes the endless cuddling bullshit is coming to an end, she'll be riding his cock like a champ.

That, or what Poe said.

Posted by Mike in MO | October 7, 2008 3:09 PM

Its nice that they care about each other so much that they want to try and make it work, but the love just isn't enough to save it. You can't necessarily force the trust you once had to come back, and it sounds like it just isn't happening. Holding the "I'm not gonna wait forever" card over her really wasn't a way to build the trust back up either, bud. Threatening to sleep elsewhere, not a trust-building move.

Posted by Karey | October 7, 2008 3:12 PM

My guess is he slept with someone else, and it made her feel hurt, sad and disgusted to have sex with him. That, combined with feelings of inadequacy due to his longings for another was probably enough to kill any sexual desire she would normally have for him. The thing is she stayed with him. If she really wants to work it out then she kind of needs to just power through it because the longer she waits the harder it will be to get past, and to have sex again.

People make mistakes, especially early on in relationships. That doesn't excuse his actions, whatever they are, but if someone screws you over and you decide to stick it out then you owe it to yourself and to them to actually get past it, not just say you will and hold it over their head forever. I realize that is REALLY hard to do sometimes, and she'll still feel pain for a long time, but if she doesn't start having sex with him again soon then he needs to move on. They haven't had sex for over half the time they've been together. That is ridiculous. I wouldn't have waited nearly that long. I believe in "put out or get out" wholeheartedly. He has invested the time and tenderness she said she needed to trust and forgive him. I would give her another month at the most.

Posted by Mikki | October 7, 2008 3:16 PM


Posted by TVDinner | October 7, 2008 3:21 PM

This girl must be able to suck a golf ball through a garden hose if he went to therapy 5 months in and stuck around for another 7. That's the only possible explanation.

Posted by T | October 7, 2008 3:35 PM

What do you want to bet he gave her herpes, and is sticking with her because, well, now they both have herpes.

Posted by Geni | October 7, 2008 4:55 PM

Hi, I'm the guy who wrote the letter. I left out the details because I thought the letter was too long and the issue complicated, but here it is:

I had just gotten out of a six year relationship that started when I was 17. I wasn't very happy in that relationship, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. When I got together with my current gf, I was still kind of stuck in a high-school mindset when it comes to being in a relationship - very selfish and controlling without even realizing it. Feeling like she was my property. She felt very betrayed when these things bubbled to the surface. I went to therapy because she still believed in what she saw in me, and I felt lucky she was keeping me around. I pretty quickly realized where all the feelings were coming from and worked on being a good man for her. Things have slowly built from their lowest point, no doubt about that. And we *are* being sexual again (oral, etc.) but no coitus yet, and the concept of doing so is still a little scary for both of us with such a long gap. But I believe we both really want to. It's just a matter of whether or not it's possible.

HUGE thanks to Dan for answering my letter. You made me feel better. And the commenters too, except whoever said I should kill myself.

Posted by SHSL | October 7, 2008 8:37 PM

SHSL ...

I'll commend you because it sounds like you went to theropy more for yourself and not for her ... or at least look at it that way, at the end of the day it will be a more positive spin.

I had to read it twice, because it's kind of vague.

As for the sex ... try lot's of foreplay, and thoroughly enjoy it. Otherwise, how badly do you want sex? How badly does she want sex? Is it really a formality?

Posted by formerly OR Matt | October 7, 2008 10:21 PM

So you have a tendency to be a controlling douchebag. Props for working on that, and by all means keep it up.

This doesn't change the fact that you feel indebted to her for "keeping (you) around," which will never, ever be a good dynamic. So you were a douche. Presumably you're learning not to be a douche. And how does douchey control freak behavior relate to not wanting to have sex with you?

Not to be a douche myself, but a lot of people *like* controlling behavior in the sack, right? Fine for her that she doesn't, but I don't see how she would feel "betrayed" because you were acting like a control freak. She might not like you when you act like that, she might not want to be around you when you act like that, but for Pete's sake, why is it only sex she's withholding here?

Sounds to me like there is a weird power dynamic going on here, and you're better off bailing, learning some things on your own about your control freakiness, and eventually meeting someone else you can try out your newfound grownup skillz on. This relationship has been a wonderful learning experience. Now get the fuck out. It's weird.

Posted by TVDinner | October 7, 2008 11:58 PM

I completely agree with number 13. Come on what it sounds like to me is that you are afraid on account of your personal history that you will not be able to find someone else.

Honestly you two are just simply not meant to be together. Best to count your losses now before you heaven forbid get married or buy a dog together. You could spend Years! staying together out of politeness and fear of hurting the others feelings. Years that could be spent finding someone who really matches with you and the way you view the world.

Believe me, you can find someone else, you will find someone else and so will she. Someone who is not as toxic to you as she seem to be. You are also toxic to her, holding her back from finding someone she can really be comfortable with.

The bottom line is that if you really care about her you would give this relationship the mercy killing it deserves. Hopefully someday in the future you two will be friends and she will thank you for releasing her when you did.

Posted by Paul | October 8, 2008 6:11 AM

She needs to grow up. These problems with her emotional insecurity will only get worse and not better. Dump her now. Run for it. Stay away for good. Look for someone who's less needy and more mature. Also, you sound like you can be too easily manipulated. Get some balls.

Posted by Vince | October 8, 2008 7:32 AM

maybe she caught him jerking off to bondage porn... and is now afraid that when they have sex he will be thinking about hurting her or something else.. hmmm maybe? or maybe she is just a flake

Posted by jess | October 8, 2008 10:44 AM

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