Slog News & Arts

Line Out

Music & Nightlife

« On the Radio | Joe Biden Coming to Tacoma »

Friday, October 17, 2008

Paranoia, Paranoia

posted by on October 17 at 8:09 AM

Originally posted yesterday afternoon, but moved up to this morning so I can collect a full 24 hours worth of liberal fears.

Attention pessimists, conspiracy theorists, and self-proclaimed realists: The comment thread of this post is now open for the business of collecting all the best explanations for why, and exactly how, this election will be stolen from Barack Obama (despite most projections now showing him with a huge electoral college lead).

Give it to me. All of it. The black helicopters, the Black Box Voting fever dreams, the “anything to stop a black man” scenarios. I’m hoping to run the best of these in an upcoming Stranger column.

RSS icon Comments


photo of osama wearing a obama08 shirt, in a "cave" (CIA hollywood set). heard on the radio, it must be true.

Posted by cochise. | October 16, 2008 2:04 PM

I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat thinking that rather than stealing the election, they'll just assassinate him.

Posted by FrantikGirl | October 16, 2008 2:05 PM

One word: Diebold.

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | October 16, 2008 2:06 PM

Who's they?

Posted by Lloyd Clydesdale | October 16, 2008 2:06 PM

okay, so, during WW2 it was declared that Roosevelt would serve more than one term due to the dyer circumstances. I don't think McCain will steal the election at all, I think Bush will go dictator on us and declare that it will be necessary he him to stay in office. And the big bad event might just be the economy - the worst it's been since the depression. whata think?

Posted by aimee | October 16, 2008 2:07 PM

A Tiger (no apologies for the old almost live reference)

Posted by vooodooo84 | October 16, 2008 2:09 PM

Two plausible ways the election could be stolen:

1. Some fucking cracker manages to kill him.

2. It always seems like it's the battleground states with the creakiest, lest auditable, most suspect ballot methods.

Posted by Jerkwater | October 16, 2008 2:11 PM

I seriously don't think that there is anything that Republicans could say to change people's minds. Now if a Nuke goes off in Seattle or San Francisco that would probably change it... If they are able to suppress enough votes or get enough voters kicked off the rolls that could change it. Or there could be monkeying around with the vote totals once they are in the computers... those are 3 ways that McCain/Palin could win, but barring a major catastrophic loss to the U.S. I am not seeing how they could legitimately win.

Posted by kyle [TCBITR] | October 16, 2008 2:11 PM

I agree with #5. We're at war, you know. Bush will declare martial law on Nov. 3 when it becomes obvious that McCain has no chance. Bush will say it's necessary to preserve our "freedoms." Politicized right-wing military will keep order. American sheep will fall in line.

Posted by arborheightist | October 16, 2008 2:13 PM

The other they must protect him, I guess.

Posted by Lloyd Clydesdale | October 16, 2008 2:14 PM

A campaign aid (super secret republican operative) will slip some LSD into his drink before a large rally on October 25th.

The result will be one of two things,
1) a complete freak out
2) Jimmy Hendricks.

Posted by bubbles | October 16, 2008 2:14 PM

There's a rumor I heard from my parents that one of Hilary's people is suing, trying to prove that Obama was born in Kenya (that he's not a natural-born citizen), that he gave up his U.S. Citizenship when he lived in Indonesia, and never got it back.

I'm not sure on the specifics, but the suit is apparently public record, and the DNC is refusing to turn over the relevant paperwork (probably because the suit is bull).

Posted by Anonymous | October 16, 2008 2:15 PM

2 options:

Option 1 is to drag Osama out of whatever cave he's in on the 25th or so and record some statement about how much he hates America and hopes his Muslim brother Obama will win. McCain will suspend his campaign and personally demonstrate that he *does* know how to capture Osama by capturing him with some General by his side 5 days later.

Option 2 is to have another terrorist attack on the nation on the 2nd of November, implement martial law, and in the ensuing confusion Obama is disappeared to Guantanamo. On November 9th hold a mock election and declare McCain the winner, but Cheney will hold his position as Puppeteer in Chief.

Posted by Easy | October 16, 2008 2:16 PM

I got a couple.

1.Bush nukes San Francisco, blames it on Muslims, declares a state of emergency, stays in office, and/or it shifts the stupid majority to start worrying about the terrersts again., and vote McCain to save them. Simultaneously, most Southern States vote that the day San Fran died should be a holiday celebrating the death of so many homosexuals.

2. Polls show likely voters, and not voters who's votes are likely to be counted. Most states are undergoing massive voter purges right now based on geography and race. Voting agencies will be overwhelmed with forced provisional votes, and most provisional voters won't fight for their rights. These purged voters will be enough to completely upset Obama's popular lead.

For the record, I think Obama like Kerry and Gore is going to win, but unlike them, I think he will be sworn into office as well. I think the Republicans are a few million votes ahead due to fraud, but that Obama will beat the spread.

Posted by toasterhedgehog | October 16, 2008 2:17 PM

It is common knowledge that shortly after they are born, Republicans are taught to steal things.

Posted by Raven | October 16, 2008 2:18 PM

I'll repost this link: BBC Newsnight with Greg Palast investigates the ACORN kerfuffle as it relates to voter-roll purging and "caging" activities in various swing states, as well as documented cases of how it swung results in previous elections.

And can we just drop the convention whereby anybody alleging election shenanigans is lumped in with UFO enthusiasts? Any organized effort to circumvent the law is by definition a "conspiracy," so quit using it as a synonym for "wacky theory."

Posted by flamingbanjo | October 16, 2008 2:23 PM

Assassination is probably the easiest way. Obviously.

Posted by Mister Foe | October 16, 2008 2:24 PM

What stands out in my mind is the computer programmer named Clinton Curtis, who testified that he was hired to create a vote rigging prototype that would...

-- enter a computer (or network of computers) containing vote totals

-- alter the totals (e.g., +5% Bush, -5% Kerry) and leave the total # of votes the same

-- exit the voting network & remove all traces of itself.

I don't know the results or follow-up on Curtis's testimony, but I'm not surprised at all that the corporate media has not investigated this.

This is an incredibly chilling scenario that, in the absence of any paper trail, would be relatively easy to pull off.

Posted by blackhook | October 16, 2008 2:24 PM

Everything goes down exactly like those "Left Behind" books wrote it, starting with a November 1 rapture.

Posted by Christin | October 16, 2008 2:25 PM

Speaking of: What IS the contingency plan if Obama is assassinated or McCain shuffles off the mortal coil in the next three weeks? Does Biden/Palin get the nomination, or are the Top Party Members allowed to anoint whomever they want?

Posted by Christin | October 16, 2008 2:27 PM

Obama is only just hovering at 50% in national polls now. I can't feel safe until he's above 50%.

I just voted for him today on an electronic touch machine. I had to call someone over to coax the thing to display the screen at the end that let me actually register the vote. This involved paging through the entire set of vote review screens 2 or 3 times. I saw a woman across the way who seemed to have to totally redo her vote.

Expensive, craptacular, and scary.

Posted by chicagogaydude | October 16, 2008 2:28 PM

Aerial assault on Iran, using bombers and/or unmanned cruise missiles a few days or a week before the election.

While I don't think this will be enough to turn the tide of the election all by itself, if Iran retaliated asymmetrically by a terrorist attack on US soil? Then I'm not so sure.

There is literally nothing, beyond a coup, that could stop Bush and Cheney from doing this. We lack the troops for a land invasion (and such an action would totally fuck over the troops in Iraq and Afghanistan) but could easily mount an air assault.

Posted by Jonathan Golob | October 16, 2008 2:29 PM

To learn more about vote theft in America read the work of investigative reporters such as Bev Harris and Greg Palast.

Posted by skeptic | October 16, 2008 2:29 PM

McCain baits Obama into attacking his campaign (see Timmons, the guy who is the head of McCain's transition team, who lobbied for Saddam Hussein) again and then repudiates or fires people en masse. It worked for him before on the heels of the Palin selection (The Palin bounce was more than likely a result of shift in campaign management, not Palin herself), and he will certainly fluff his ranks with people hand-picked from local offices in battleground states.

Posted by AJ | October 16, 2008 2:30 PM

See these documentary films:
American Blackout

Bush Family Fortunes

Posted by skeptic | October 16, 2008 2:31 PM

A referee from Pittsburgh.

Posted by DOUG. | October 16, 2008 2:32 PM

A week before the election, Todd Palin is going to run over Osama bin Laden with his snowmobile in the mountainous border between Pakistan and Afghanistan.

Posted by Mac | October 16, 2008 2:32 PM

Well, we know Republicans love power and will do anything to keep it, so I vote for all of the above.

Posted by Vince | October 16, 2008 2:33 PM

There'll be tampering with voting machines in key states, just enough to swing it to McCain. As the exit polls show Obama leading but tallies don't match, Fox News will repeat GOP talking points about how surprising it is that the Bradley Effect is playing such a significant role in the elections.

Massive riots will engulf Seattle, SF, NYC, and DC; they will be suppressed violently by the US Army. Bush will declare martial law. Obama will be shot by a lone gunman. McCain will valiantly die while trying to save him. Palin anoints Dick Cheney the empty VP slot.

Posted by Chip | October 16, 2008 2:33 PM

My right-wing, Christianist mother listens to Rush Limbaugh every day, and this is what she's come up with:

The real “Barack Obama” can devastate foreign policy with his kiss butt policies of placating dictators and allowing European policies to control US policy. That is surrendering sovereignty, which is turning over the Constitution to the World Court. That is validating persons like Hugo Chavez and Achmadinijad (His name is not on spell check) who are trying to gin up their populations in aggression to take over other countries (wipe Israel off the map). Obama does not want to just be President of the United States, he’d like to be President of the World. If you think people on his side are not noticing, this week Farrakhan called him “the Messiah”, an apocalyptic figure in Muslim theology who will oversee the conquest of the world. Jesse Jackson saying the influence of Israel’s concerns will be over with in an Obama presidency. That’s just this week.

No shit, she actually believes this.

Posted by David | October 16, 2008 2:34 PM
Posted by skeptic2 | October 16, 2008 2:34 PM

McCain dies, gets a bump from all the annoying memorial videos, Palin/Gingrich win the election.

Posted by Megan | October 16, 2008 2:35 PM

You can't steal what the person don't own.

Posted by John Bailo | October 16, 2008 2:35 PM

Re: "You can't steal what the person don't own."

Tell that to the bankers getting bailouts :)

Posted by skeptic | October 16, 2008 2:39 PM

Honestly, I've been saying from the beginning, I'll just be surprised if we don't wake up Nov. 5, and Cheney is president.

Posted by Kat | October 16, 2008 2:40 PM

ACORN and Diebold should be penned in and forced to fight to the death pit bull style. They cancel each other out.

Posted by Westside forever | October 16, 2008 2:41 PM

Re: 20. Okay, I just looked up the answer to what happens if one of 'em dies. The answer is, the national party's top officials will pick somebody, and they're not obligated based on running mate, convention votes, or primaries. So, if Obama gets shot, it could be Biden, or Clinton, or somebody neither-of-those, and anybody's guess on the VP.

Posted by Christin | October 16, 2008 2:44 PM

Here's my scenario: attempted attack on McCain or Palin, not Obama. It's the gift that keeps on giving... to the Republicans.

It'll be a suicide-type attack, which will push everyone's terrorism buttons; it will show that the Bad People hate and fear Republicans much more than Democrats; it will set up Palin as a martyr figure, the same way the unsuccessful attempt against Reagan brought the nation together; the attacker will be heard to shout something like "Obama forever," or be a registered Democratic voter or whatever; and it will give an excuse to declare martial law.

Posted by Anonymous coward | October 16, 2008 2:45 PM


Just FYI, even if he *was* born in Kenya, which can probably be disproven by, you know, a birth certificate, his mother was a U.S. Citizen, and therefore, he is also a natural-born citizen, even if he was born overseas. That claim just doesn't hold water.

Posted by Afreet | October 16, 2008 2:45 PM

I agree with 3. and 7. and 8, 14, 18 and 21.

Despite Obama's best efforts to pin George Bush on McCain, the Ayers thing and the Joe the Plumber thing take greater hold in the minds of enough Americans, and in the media, and in that last great pendulum swing over the final weeks of the campaign, McCain manages to draw even enough with Obama in the polls. In spite of his electoral vote advantage, maybe McCain draws even there too.

On Election Day, things are tight, and in states like Michigan and Florida, there are disputes over votes and we get something like what happened in 2000. Shifty voting machines don't help either. It ends up close enough for McCain to call for recounts, and it goes to court.. And in that setting, his is given the Presidency.

If you're for a name to call this, for which to prescribe a pill, I suggest Twothousanditis, or Twothousandaphobia, for which you might prescribe Registrithium, with a smaller dose of Bradley Effexor. If those don't work, you may even suggest Electro-College Shock Therapy. But that's an old piece.

Posted by matt | October 16, 2008 2:48 PM

thousands of voters who think they are registered have actually been eliminated in state voter purging.


obama will win the election. but not really... see charles post from yesterday. "She rinsed rat hearts with detergent until the cells washed away and all that remained was a skeleton of tissue translucent as wax paper — a ghost heart, as Taylor calls it. She injected the scaffold with fresh heart cells from newborn rats. Then she waited."

Posted by whomsRU | October 16, 2008 2:51 PM

The harrowing tale of Joe the Plumber resonates with Americans, pushing McCain's poll numbers up by 20%, causing him to win in a legitimate landslide. McCain wins the war in Iraq, balances the budget by cutting capitol gains taxes, eliminates term limits, and leads America into unprecedented prosperity for the next 28 years. Sometime in 2017, a flash rain storm happens over an Obama Weather Underground rally, washing off his makeup and revealing him to be Osama bin Laden. Trig Palin wins the 2036 election in a 99% landslide (Ralph Nader gets the other 1%).

Posted by jrrrl | October 16, 2008 2:53 PM

this election will not be stolen by republicans. it will be THROWN by the republicans--they are taking a dive.

they have destroyed this country for the foreseeable future--but that's fine--they are long-term plotters! the plan: they put the old trooper mccain up to "run for president" (har-har), to take another bullet for the ol' GOP team--good old mccain! perfect! 7,000 years old, a whisper from death, the stand-up good ol boy---this will be his last huzzah! a nice send off for the old coot! he has no real hope of winning, of course, and to ensure that, they paired him up with a blabbering vaginal hiccup from Alaska that is as qualified a VP as half a rusty can of tuna.

and then! they'll start releasing reports about mccanin's heart murmur! genius! all of the propagandists (bill o'riely et al) have already been ordered to begin expressing THEIR doubts about mccain (har-har!) and they'll throw this election big time! when obama wins in a landslide, they will relentlessly railroad the living shit out of him in ways jimmy carter and monica lewinsky never even dreamed POSSIBLE, and the GOP'll just sit back and laugh and let all of the weight of this disaster they've created crash down on obama (while waiting, fingers crossed, for one of the lunatic republican voters they've riled up takes shots at him).

obama thusly destroyed and properly scapegoated, the republicans usher in their next very charismatic candidate that they either a) already have picked out, b) grew in a hydroponics lab for their own evil purposes out of slime and monkey dna, or c) are in the process of choosing at this moment. It is from this point that they shall proceed with world destruction in earnest. at least half of this is undoubtedly possibly true. thank you and goodnight.

Posted by adrian! | October 16, 2008 2:59 PM

Didn't you hear McCain last night accusing Obama's campaign of plotting to steal the election via Acorn. Imagine, the party responsible for stealing the last two elections accusing the other party of trying to steal this one.

Posted by Anon | October 16, 2008 3:01 PM

ummm im being worked into a frenzy. i need to go stare of fivethirtyeight some more.

Posted by whomsRU | October 16, 2008 3:01 PM

Bush has already given himself the power to stop the election.

In May 2007, Bush issued a Presidential National Security Directive - National Security and Homeland Security Presidential Directive NSPD 51/HSPD 20. This directive suspends constitutional government and instates martial law in the case of a 'catastrophic emergency'. A 'catastrophic emergency,' is defined as 'any incident, regardless of location, that results in extraordinary levels of mass casualties, damage, or disruption severely affecting the U.S. population, infrastructure, environment, economy, or government functions.'

And here's the kicker: He doesn't need Congressional approval.

"The President shall lead the activities of the Federal Government for ensuring constitutional government. . . ."

When do we exit? When the 'emergency' is over. And, from the looks of the language, the emergency can be just about anything - including the economy.

Enjoy. My bet is a suspension of normal government through this act, with the economy as justification, sometime in the next two weeks.

Posted by Daisy | October 16, 2008 3:03 PM

This is all a conspiracy by the Global Socialists in Russia and China and their comrades in America to impose a seeming chance before using their computer machines to select their Manchurian Candidate Comrade McCain to lead a Glorious Revolution and make Americans live a life of serfs to their Communist and Socialist masters.

And squirrels. Somehow the squirrels have figured out that tin foil hats protects their brains from the HDTV transmissions that make us so passive.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 16, 2008 3:04 PM

oh, and @42 for the mostly correct win.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 16, 2008 3:06 PM

mark me as another for the martial law paranoia:
Obama is assasinated by a cracker put in place by the bush admin, hilary clinton is chosen as the new democratic nominee, but martial law is instated for several weeks/months/indefinately following the assaination, the vote happens in like, december under the eyes of creepy soldiers. mccain wins for being a mlitary guy (and replacing palin with another white guy wih some sort of "war on terror" cred) but they just keep pushing the inaguration further and further back. The linking of foreign terror with domestic rationalizes doing massive seeps on americans and disappearing them and the inaguration just stops mattering, and it's all over.

Posted by erin | October 16, 2008 3:06 PM

@44: Oh dear. This sounds correct.

Posted by Christin | October 16, 2008 3:08 PM

mark me as another for the martial law paranoia:
Obama is assasinated by a cracker put in place by the bush admin, hilary clinton is chosen as the new democratic nominee, but martial law is instated for several weeks/months/indefinately following the assaination, the vote happens in like, december under the eyes of creepy soldiers. mccain wins for being a mlitary guy (and replacing palin with another white guy wih some sort of "war on terror" cred) but they just keep pushing the inaguration further and further back. The linking of foreign terror with domestic rationalizes doing massive seeps on americans and disappearing them and the inaguration just stops mattering, and it's all over.

Posted by erin | October 16, 2008 3:09 PM

39: That's been my theory for several weeks, since it became clear that Palin was more of a detriment than a benefit to McCain. What better way for the Republicans to solve that problem than to make a martyr out of her, pin it on the "loony left," and get just enough of a boost for the Diebold effect to cover the difference?

Posted by Thel | October 16, 2008 3:11 PM

@ 5, 9 - the Presidential term limit wasn't established until 1951.

Posted by UnoriginalAndrew | October 16, 2008 3:12 PM

@43 Cyborg-Ralph Nader '36 edition will be run on a Corn oil powered Corvair engine

Posted by vooodooo84 | October 16, 2008 3:15 PM

@54 you could argue that FDR breached the unwritten tradition established by G Wash.

Posted by vooodooo84 | October 16, 2008 3:18 PM

@ 56 - you could argue that. You can't argue that there was an emergency declaration allowing FDR to run for a previously unconstitutional third and fourth term. Although with @ 47, the distinction might be moot.

I hope Adrian @ 44 is wrong.

Posted by UnoriginalAndrew | October 16, 2008 3:24 PM

i said what @44 said, basically, yesterday in this thread.

Posted by i have a medium penis | October 16, 2008 3:35 PM

@29 "Massive riots will engulf Seattle, SF, NYC, and DC; they will be suppressed violently by the US Army."

Excuse me, but do you really think we would not riot in LA? Please. We practically invented riots.

NYC? Hmph. I'll believe it when I see it.

Posted by whatevernevermind | October 16, 2008 3:37 PM

here is the proper linkage.

and yes, i hope we're both very, very wrong...

Posted by i have a medium penis | October 16, 2008 3:45 PM

oh no. i'm right. i'm always right about this shit. a gift. watch the magic unfurl...

Posted by adrian | October 16, 2008 3:49 PM

Similar to @9. My prediction from Haloween 2006. Pretty damn close so far, 3 of 4 parts have come to fruition:

Posted by badempire | October 16, 2008 3:52 PM

Love the scenerios, but the GOP isn't fixing to steal the election - their fixing to undermine the mandate.

The whole point of the "voter fraud" hubbub is so the Republicans can position themselves to make the new claim, come November, that had Obama somehow “fraudulently stole the election” and that his “supposed mandate for change” is really an electioneering sham.

Yes, silly as it sounds, upon this shaky foundation they will come to fashion a fortress of obstructionism, both vast and wide, and under its weigh the Ol’ Party’s grandness will further sink irretrievably, under the e’er shifting sands of time.

Posted by Tim Rhodes | October 16, 2008 3:55 PM

you can have faith in my madness. to illustrate my oh-so-right predicting of such matters, i refer you to public records a) in which i predict the fall of castro, the death of anna nicole smith, the insanity of britney spears AND the plot put forth by # 9 in this post et al, dated January 12, 2005.


and b) in which i predict the action against iraq (et al) three days after 9/11, dater 9/26/2001.


and for paypal donation of $25 and predict the lottery numbers and give you wardrobe advice. it's a multifaceted gift.

Posted by adrian! | October 16, 2008 4:06 PM

@ 63--that's only one part of the plan--Obama takes office against cries of voter fraud! that is only one small piece of the plot, not the caveat. trust me, they aren't taking over JUST yet...tick tock, tick tock...mwahahaha!

Posted by adrian | October 16, 2008 4:08 PM

i'd like to offer you $15 for the wardrobe advice... don't need the numbers. i'll take up crack smoking before i start playing the lottery.

Posted by i have a medium penis | October 16, 2008 4:21 PM

This entire election has been the imagination of a young autistic boy.

Everyone knows that.

Posted by Hannah | October 16, 2008 4:32 PM

@67 And Sarah Palin knows that better than any American I know.

Posted by whatevernevermind | October 16, 2008 5:34 PM

The elections will be canceled, martial law declared, and the rest of our constitutional rights will be suspended immediately before the election, probably because of a series of terrorist attacks (or at least threat thereof), imminent riots, and/or runs on failing banks.

That's what I predict...

Posted by ouzel | October 16, 2008 6:25 PM

I haven't heard this one yet:

Mr Cheney dies in hospital, and Mr Bush appoints, not Mr McCain, but Mrs Palin vice president. (He can appoint anyone he wants.) This makes the GOP look terribly progressive; the voters figure that half the GOP slate is in already, and enough Hillary supporters like her so that a million of them vote for her and McCain.

Posted by Seajay | October 16, 2008 10:52 PM

Theft of this election = revolution.
We have no choice.

Posted by thehippieswererightallalong | October 17, 2008 12:30 AM

Systemic collapse of the economy circa Feb '09 is exploited by government to protract Bush's presidency and assume martial law.

Posted by Matt | October 17, 2008 8:45 AM


Fuck, I can't stop thinking about it.

Posted by Lesley | October 17, 2008 8:46 AM

One Word: ACORN! The repukes are drumming up the hysteria of vote fraud as an excuse to disenfranchise up to a million new voters. Read Greg Palast's excellent reporting on how they have done this in the previous 2 elections. With the publicity they are generating about ACORN, they will "spoil" an unprecedented number of votes in the up coming election.

Posted by hank | October 17, 2008 8:52 AM

The lizard men would never let a human hold this office.

Posted by Moxietex | October 17, 2008 8:56 AM

Oh, just for fun, since nobody's mentioned this yet:

Army combat division deployed in the United States to help with "civil unrest and crowd control", conveniently starting October 1 before the election... sure, not enough troops for a full-on coup d'etat, as Greenwald admits... but how do we know there's not an army of Blackwater mercenaries staged somewhere to back them up?

All that aside, I'm with @63 et al. Bush/Cheney have had 8 years to stock every branch of federal government, top to bottom, with malicious obstructionists, incompetents, and moles. Add to that the incredible clusterfvck in the economy and everywhere else... The Obama team has some world-class management talent, but they're going to have world-class handicaps as well.

Posted by Anonymous coward | October 17, 2008 9:00 AM

I'm going with #39. I've been noticing a lot of posts on Christian sites relating to attacks on anti-gay, anti-abortion protestors. Maybe they're building a case of leftist violence, like John Lewis inciting racist attacks against McCain and Palin.

About the "born in Kenya" issue - wouldn't the easiest way to disprove this be to check his mother's passport? She would have had to have been there... unless the conspiracy runs deeper than any of us could imagine!

Jesus, I want to go to sleep until this is all over. I cannot take it.

Posted by Miss Poppy Hussein Dixon | October 17, 2008 9:02 AM

October 31: bin Laden is captured, al-Quaeda freaks the fuck out, Bush declares martial law, and we wake up November 1 to Supreme Dictator Cheney.

Posted by Jessica | October 17, 2008 9:03 AM

All of the above.

I figure all of the early votes that people are making are going straight into a shredder. Then on election day, a lot of the Obama voters will have already "voted" and so the results will skew to McCain.

Mobs of McCain supporters prevent African American and Latino voters from getting to the polls, sparking race riots. At least one of these mobs will attempt to take down Obama at a public event.

If Obama survives and still manages to win despite all this, the Republicans will charge him with vote fraud and possibly initiate legal action to prevent his inauguration.

Really, I think he'll actually win handily and everything will be more or less OK, but I do have my scary place about losing this election, and this description is part of what it looks like.

Posted by Cascadian | October 17, 2008 9:05 AM

lalala, I'm not reading this, lalala, everything is gonna be all right...

Posted by raisedbywolves | October 17, 2008 9:11 AM

I'm going with #39. I've been noticing a lot of posts on Christian sites relating to attacks on anti-gay, anti-abortion protestors. Maybe they're building a case of leftist violence, like John Lewis inciting racist attacks against McCain and Palin.

About the "born in Kenya" issue - wouldn't the easiest way to disprove this be to check his mother's passport? She would have had to have been there... UNLESS this conspiracy runs deeper than any of us could have ever imagined.

Jesus, I want to go to sleep until this is all over. I cannot take it.

Posted by Miss Poppy Dixon | October 17, 2008 9:29 AM

Economy continues to slip, but no other major events happen between now and November 4th. Obama wins by impressive if not land slide margin. Conspiracy theory industry takes big hit and tanks like the rest of the economy.

Posted by Heather | October 17, 2008 9:46 AM

Met a girl called Lola and I took her back to my place
Feelin' guilty, feelin' scared, hidden cameras everywhere
Stop! hold on. stay in control

Girl, I want you here with me
But I'm really not as cool as I'd like to be
cause there's a red, under my bed
And there's a little yellow man in my head
And there's a true blue inside of me
That keeps stoppin me, touchin ya, watchin ya, lovin ya

Paranoia, the destroyer.
Paranoia, the destroyer.

Well I fell asleep, then I woke feelin kinda queer
Lola looked at me and said, ooh you look so weird.
She said, man, there's really something wrong with you.
One day you're gonna self-destruct.
You're up, you're down, I can't work you out
You get a good thing goin then you blow yourself out.

Silly boy ya self-destroyer. silly boy ya self-destroyer

Silly boy you got so much to live for
So much to aim for, so much to try for
You blowing it all with paranoia
Youre so insecure you self-destroyer

(and it goes like this, here it goes)
Paranoia, the destroyer
(here it goes again)
Paranoia, the destroyer

Dr. Dr. help me please, I know you'll understand
Theres a time device inside of me, I'm a self-destructin man
There's a red, under my bed
And there's a little green man in my head
And he said, you're not goin crazy, you're just a bit sad
cause there's a man in ya, gnawin ya, tearin ya into two.

Silly boy ya self-destroyer.
Paranoia, the destroyer

Self-destroyer, wreck your health
Destroy friends, destroy yourself
The time device of self-destruction
Light the fuse and start eruption

(yea, it goes like this, here it goes)
Paranoia, the destroyer
(heres to paranoia)
Paranoia, the destroyer
(hey hey, here it goes)
Paranoia, the destroyer
(and it goes like this)

Paranoia, the destroyer
(and it goes like this.)

Posted by The Kinks | October 17, 2008 10:18 AM

@69: My thoughts (almost) exactly. But I thought it would have happened already.

Posted by Jen | October 17, 2008 10:27 AM

@5 and 9: I agree completely.
Also, flags with gold fringe are used in military courts. I was recently in traffic court here in Hawaii and guess what? Gold-fringed flags. The same is true in Michigan. Is it the same in Seattle? Have we already moved toward martial law and just don't know it yet? Are there gold-fringed flags in the courts in Washington state?

Posted by Concerned | October 17, 2008 10:45 AM

@71 for the truth.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 17, 2008 11:04 AM

Cheney has Bush taken out in fake terrorist act, suspends election, appoints Romney ('cause the money men, who really control the party, want him) as Veep. People panic, Cheney/Romney take election three months later.

Posted by Big Sven | October 17, 2008 11:27 AM

#85 - Try this link:

Posted by Old_Mama_Chips | October 17, 2008 11:30 AM

Far more interesting is to print a roundup/preview of the right wing's conspiracy theories about how the media and various leftwing groups are colluding to get Obama put into power. The conspiracy theories we'll be hearing nonstop for the next few years...

Bonus points for working McCain himself into the theory as a fall guy/patsy for the left to beat up on.

Posted by Just Sayin | October 17, 2008 11:35 AM

Have yet to read the responses above, but I'll share what I've been half expecting/fearing:

- voter fraud (republican owned business making black boxes and all the old tricks)

- a 'terrorist' attack. This could either give McCain a 'bump' (or provide plausible deniability that it did) because you know, those R's are just so much better at foreign policy, we can't change horses in midstream etc etc...

- What happens if both Biden and Obama are killed in between now and the election?

Posted by K X One | October 17, 2008 12:04 PM

Masses of concerned liberals will work themselves into a frenzy over the outcome of the election and have nervous breakdowns Nov. 3rd, spending the next day in bed and completely missing the voting.

Posted by SeaExile | October 17, 2008 12:08 PM

On the eve of the election, Obama will come out as a vegan and be gruesomely stoned to death at the hands of liberal democrats whose political perspective is so vapid that they feel personally threatened when confronted with the content of another person's grocery cart.

Posted by AW | October 17, 2008 12:57 PM

@88: Thank you for clearing that up! :)

Posted by concerned | October 17, 2008 12:59 PM

Look, we can come up with a list of ways this is gonna go down until it reads like the lyrics to “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” but the fact is that we know—in our heart of hearts—that there is no way in hayll that the Republican Party and their nutcase neo-fascist supporters—which have spent the last three decades relentlessly lying and dismantling our system of government and economy—are going to allow an Obama presidency and progressive Demoncrat control of both houses of Congress.

We need to start contingency planning AND I MEAN MORE THAN FREAKIN’ BLOGGING ABOUT IT! They’re not gonna be defeated with sarcasm and snark, you know.

We’ll need all workers to stage a national strike. Refusal to work and collective bargaining are the only real threats to their power.

Posted by Original Andrew | October 17, 2008 1:09 PM

I agree with Adrian! on literally everything he has said. The GOP does not want to win this election. They haven't since the start. McCain is a patsy and he doesn't even know it. It's really sad.

Posted by Original Monique | October 17, 2008 1:31 PM

@ 89:
(see: "McCain: An Alternative Narrative")

Posted by T-Dog | October 18, 2008 2:31 PM

Comments Closed

Comments are closed on this post.