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RSS icon Comments on Chocolate Body Spreads Are Fattening, Stupid, Non-Erotic—And Deadly!


Best thing to do is just buy a melamine plate - the small kind, and buy some local fair-trade organic chocolate (say Theo's Chocolate, who do the 3400 Phinney brand, made 2 blocks from my house), and then put the chocolate on the plate and let her (in my case it's a her) body heat melt it.


Posted by Will in Seattle | October 20, 2008 5:26 PM

You're such a curmudgeon, Dan... :>

Let the vanilla-types (or chocolate-types, as it were) have their fun.

Posted by Julie in Chicago | October 20, 2008 5:31 PM

Licking sweet stuff off of someone is disgusting. I much prefer a little smear of Marmite or Vegemite.

Posted by Fnarf | October 20, 2008 5:32 PM

Er, some of us just really, really like chocolate. Some of us would do really kinky stuff with Willy Wonka for the chance to go skinny dipping in that river Augustus Gloop drown in.

Posted by Y.F. | October 20, 2008 5:34 PM

The idea of combining the flavors of chocolate and shrimp scampi should be fatal to those to whom it appeals.

Posted by Ziggity | October 20, 2008 5:39 PM

Thanks, Dan. "Erotic" chocolate body paint kits are sooo stupid.

Posted by Catman | October 20, 2008 5:44 PM

Oh my god, you mean _______ does ______ with ______ in bed? That's filthy and disgusting!

Dan, I'm surprised you of all people are using this formula.

Posted by Sean | October 20, 2008 6:08 PM

At this point, why is anyone ingesting anything from China? Hell, handling one of those BPA laden plastic water bottles is bad enough, shouldn't we just assume that anything edible from China contains melamine assisted protein content?

Posted by pragmatic | October 20, 2008 6:19 PM

Seems small-minded. Its better than a shit fetish.

Posted by STLJoy | October 20, 2008 6:20 PM

Okay, Dan, where is the harm? Let the chocolate-lickers have their fun. They're not sending you photos, are they?

Dear body spread enthusiasts: use melamine-free Hershey's syrup or Nutella.

Posted by Greg | October 20, 2008 6:31 PM

@Fnarf: you don't like the Clash, you support Tottenham, and you like Marmite/Vegemite.

You, sir, have ridiculous taste.

Posted by Abby | October 20, 2008 6:43 PM

Well, I'll agree that acting like this kind of thing is remotely edgy or 'kinky' is VERY 7th grade. However, some of us LOVE the taste of our partners. Not just the naughty bits, but just their taste. Like smelling their armpits, Dan, it can bring you closer to your loved one. Not all the time, of course, but it's fun to nibble and lick once in a while. Combine that with, oh, Nutella (god's gift to man) and you can have a fun, tasty dessert.
Obviously, I would imagine people substitute this for dessert and don't have cake and THEN chocolate body whatever. That would be totally unhealthy, as you claim. Anyways, if you shower afterward and use something yummy, it can be a lot of fun. Just don't take it seriously.

Posted by VentureSister | October 20, 2008 6:52 PM

Putting foodstuffs on your lover and licking them off is gross. You wouldn't want pubes on your cupcake, right? Then why would you want frosting on your junk?

Besides. Isn't there already enough fluid to clean up?

Posted by Ariel | October 20, 2008 7:00 PM

Abby, my taste is better described as "refined" and "correct". The Buzzcocks were thirty times better than the dullards in The Clash.

The Tottenham thing isn't looking so good right now, I admit. Last season I was thinking of picking a lower-division team to follow, just to expand my options. I was thinking something along the lines of Preston North End or Hartlepool or something. This isn't what I had in mind.

Posted by Fnarf | October 20, 2008 7:31 PM

Armpits plus Nutella?


Posted by TVDinner | October 20, 2008 7:33 PM

I'm pretty sure you're just saying that to get a rise out of us...

Anyways, fancy-ass "adult kits" are just dumb. All you need is a regular hershey bar, and if you put it between two people it melts in about a minute.

Posted by Woodbun | October 20, 2008 8:10 PM

Trolling your own blog eh.

Posted by Giffy | October 20, 2008 8:37 PM

So today Dan came out against cuddling and chocolate. Looking forward to that scathing anti-puppy editorial in tomorrow's slog.

Posted by flamingbanjo | October 20, 2008 8:41 PM

Food sex is nasty, to me. It's like sticky jam hands, but with adults and boobs and cocks. I agree with Dan about people using chocolate body paints sold in sex shops being sexually bored or desperate though. I don't think chocolate lovers who like licking treats off of their partners bodies are the ones using that crap, and I think people are afraid of revealing their kinks because they think theirs are the most taboo and they won't be well received. I like being awakened to sex; some people think that is creepy and hate it. I don't even consider it a kink. I wouldn't date someone who couldn't get into that.

Posted by Mikki | October 20, 2008 8:50 PM

@14 - um, no. The Clash are far superior.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 20, 2008 9:40 PM

It's not a dichotomy, Fnarf. There is room on my iPod for both the Clash and the Buzzcocks. And some of Pete Shelley's solo albums. And Eurovision.

I still think Tottenham will pull out of it, and oddly enough, I'm not enjoying laughing at them this time. I'm convinced it will bite me on the ass if I do.

Posted by Abby | October 20, 2008 9:48 PM

Of all the subjects you know nothing about, Will -- urban planning, Canada, bears -- nothing inspires less confidence than your musical opinions. Nothing. I understand you are an aficionado of the blues, which you can pretty much tell by looking at you. I imagine you can frequently be found discussing the merits of somebody or other's "guitar work". [Shudder].

The Clash were dull posers playing boring, lifeless corporate rock with a light coating of punk ideology supplied by others.

Abby, I appreciate your sympathetic position. Rivals need their antagonists, otherwise there's nothing to get up for. If Spurs go down, think how much more time you're going to have waste hating Chelsea.

Posted by Fnarf | October 20, 2008 10:46 PM

Why bother with Chinese-chocolate-plastic body spreads when you can just open your cupboard:

Posted by Madashell | October 20, 2008 10:52 PM

oh noes! not FATTENING!!! OH GOD. I will have to avoid those evil chocolate body spreads.

Posted by hydra | October 21, 2008 12:26 AM

Chocolate body spread is like edible underwear, candy thongs, and flavored condoms: innocuous enough as gag gifts, but no one actually uses that crap. Do they?

Posted by Kalakalot | October 21, 2008 8:08 AM

Why buy chocolate at a sex-shop?? Just buy some Nutella.

Posted by Sirkowski | October 21, 2008 9:15 AM

So are we adding food fetishists to The List? Honestly, with something this innocuous, who are we to judge?

Posted by Lavode | October 21, 2008 9:31 AM

Why put chocolate on your lover when applying liberal lines of coke on them is so much hotter?

Posted by freshnycman | October 21, 2008 9:57 AM

I think this highlights a larger problem... the fact that 90% of the items to be found in a typical sex shop are mass-produced gimcrack plastics, packed with god-knows-what carcinogens/teratogens/volatile irritants (cf Tristan Taormino's chemical burnt rectum after using a red jelly dildo of unknown provenance) stamped with NOVELTY USE ONLY.

We need to take a stand and demand better regulation of products which are labeled 'novelties' but are otherwise explicitly marketed for use in sex. Toss this onto the heap of reasons we need to foster efforts toward policies that improve sexual health and awareness (and eventually, one can only hope, a more sex-positive United States).

Posted by stew | October 21, 2008 10:10 AM

@29: People could solve most of these problems by shopping at Babeland. They seem pretty good about not selling products made of cheap mass-produced plastic.

Posted by flamingbanjo | October 21, 2008 11:17 AM

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