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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Children Are Our Future (We’re Fucked)

posted by on September 10 at 14:45 PM

The other day, I found myself—for the first time in years—inside a community center, a place where babies gather to engage in art projects and table tennis and psychological warfare. In the main hallway, I noticed that some enterprising and earnest babies had constructed a large wire dome, on which they had pinned an army of colorful felt homunculi and a bunch of note cards. Each note card bore one baby’s vision for the future of earth.

I know you guys think that Sarah Palin and John McCain are scary, but check out what these fuckin’ babies have in store for us:

Baby #1:
I wish the animals were not scared of anything.”

Oh, great! Great idea, dumbass. Personally, I feel a lot safer knowing that sharks are scared of my outboard motor, and bears are afraid of me waving my arms and yelling “Don’t eat me, fucker!”, and snakes couldn’t be more terrified of my fucking foot and just want to hide in a hole all year instead of, you know, CHOMPING MY TOE WITH THEIR VENOMOUS FANGS.

Baby #2:
I wish spider weren’t feared.”

Ohhhh, fantastic. You know that’s just what they want, right? You’re playing right into their eight tiny hands! Spiders cannot wait for us to let our guard down and stop squishing them so that, under cover of night, they can carry out their ultimate scheme: to eat every single one of our eyeballs. Do you like having eyeballs? Me too. But you can kiss your eyeballs goodbye (well, not physically—that’s impossible) if these babies get their way.

Baby #3:
I wish there were more animals.”

Whoa whoa whoa. Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? You babies are even crazier than I thought. So once you’ve established your armies of fearless, bloodthirsty beasts, and we humans are hobbling around blind and toeless, what you’re wishing for is more animals?! Fuck!

Baby #4:
I wish seals could say their feelings.”

I have no criticism here. This actually is my fondest wish.

Baby #5:
I wish all animals could celebrate holidays.”

Haven’t the animals taken enough from us already? I mean, really. My god.

I think the lesson here is clear: DO NOT ELECT BABIES TO PUBLIC OFFICE. Or animals, for that matter. I think they may have formed some sort of alliance. We’re fucked.

RSS icon Comments


I wish none of these kids was born.

Posted by Southerner | September 10, 2008 2:49 PM

If you'd support the plastic bag tax repeal, there'd be more lying around for the babies to play in, Lindy.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | September 10, 2008 2:50 PM

Best post ever.

Posted by Will in STL | September 10, 2008 2:50 PM

Stupid, stupid babies.

Posted by Skip | September 10, 2008 2:53 PM

Why do all babies have the same handwriting?

Posted by Steagle | September 10, 2008 2:55 PM

More homos = fewer babies.

Posted by Ziggity | September 10, 2008 3:00 PM

@4 Stupid babies need the most attention!

Posted by Hernandez | September 10, 2008 3:06 PM

When I was a baby, I wanted to be a seal when I grew up.

Posted by Abby | September 10, 2008 3:22 PM

This post blows. It's a poor rip off of this:

"Crappy Children's Art"

Try again. Try originality.

Posted by Josie | September 10, 2008 3:24 PM

Children have been our future for far too long.

Posted by mge | September 10, 2008 3:29 PM

you should write more!

Posted by Jiberish | September 10, 2008 3:40 PM

Animals can't celebrate holidays because we eat animals on holidays.

At least they are forcing the babies to do haiku.

Posted by CommonKnowledge | September 10, 2008 3:50 PM

I do not approve the message of these other babies. They sound like pagan/vegan pansy ass wimps, they do not understand the threat animals are to babykind, and that animals must be destroyed, if only 'cause they try to steal attention from us babies, and that cannot stand.

Posted by | September 10, 2008 3:55 PM

Lindy, I've developed a crush on your humor and writing from your column in the Stranger. This is only encouraging it.

Posted by Nick | September 10, 2008 3:58 PM

I've seen babies suck the life out of cats...FACT!

Posted by michael strangeways | September 10, 2008 4:02 PM

@14: Seconded. Lindy West is one of my favorite things about The Stranger.

Posted by Darcy | September 10, 2008 4:17 PM


Posted by sassafrass expert | September 10, 2008 4:32 PM

Do the babies live in the wire dome? Isn't that usually called a cage?

Posted by inkweary | September 10, 2008 4:36 PM

i assume these babies know that cougars sit on the edge of the woods outside playgrounds in the far eastside suburbs & watch the kids all day long.

Posted by max solomon | September 10, 2008 4:36 PM

Baby #3 clearly just made a typo. I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a "delicious" between "more" and "animals".

Posted by sleestak | September 10, 2008 4:40 PM

My pathetic rationale for these wishes:

#1 - Child is a habitual cat tail breaker, wonders why the cat runs for the hills whenever he's around.

#2 - Child has plans to build spider-like powered exoskeleton to terrorize grown-ups, realizes that he wouldn't get close enough since people already avoid spiders as it is. Watch out for this little fucker.

#3 - Child is a selfish anti-social asshole whose only friends are choo-choo the goldfish and brambles the hamster. What a loser.

#4 - Future hacky sack pro

#5 - This kids family dog is habitually underfed and malnourished and begs like a junkie for turkey/hot dogs on thanksgiving/july 4th and is left to pout it out under the porch. They feed the leftovers to the piranha, hence the wish for "all" animals.

Posted by Super Jesse | September 10, 2008 4:56 PM

Not only do I have a crush on your cool name, Lindy, I freaking LOLed at my computer because of what you wrote. Good stuff... definitely write more.

Posted by purple | September 10, 2008 6:24 PM

i too wish seals could share their feelings. thx for this lindy.

Posted by joey | September 10, 2008 7:29 PM

@9 - couldn't stop laughing at the firetruck one.

Posted by sepiolida | September 10, 2008 7:52 PM

ok. I'm seriously not playing dumb here. Why are we calling children babies? Clearly these aren't babies. Call me dumb if you want- but I don't get why it's funny?

Posted by CattyMaran | September 10, 2008 8:04 PM

That was fucking funny. Thank you.

Posted by dc | September 10, 2008 10:23 PM

Plastic bags are the FSM's way of saying No to Baby Rule.

Posted by Will in Seattle | September 10, 2008 11:13 PM

Is there a reason all the notes are written in the same handwriting?

Posted by Erik | September 11, 2008 6:43 AM

wow i'm gonna have to post a link to this article later today. I just started a site chronicling what i believe is the beginning of the great human/animal war. from what i read here, it sounds like you might believe me.

Posted by jared | September 11, 2008 8:59 AM

I'm going to go ahead and assume that the reason it's all in the same handwriting is because the babies, in conjunction with being little monsters who want to eat our faces, aren't too hot with the letters. Is it so hard to imagine a driving force behind this project, excising these deep dark desires from our future leaders?

Posted by Cate | September 11, 2008 10:59 AM

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