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Friday, September 19, 2008

“OMG! Look! There on that cake! GROOMS! Run for your lives!”

posted by on September 19 at 15:13 PM

Oklahoma Sen. Jim Inhofe (GOPeemypants) once famously observed—on the floor of the US Senate!—that he could proudly state that there were no queers in his family and that there never had been any queers in his family and that there never would be any queers in his family, so help him God. Anyway, it appears that an 18 year-old gay porn star named Andrew Rice somehow secured the Democratic nomination to run against Inhofe, who is up for reelection this year.

And you gotta love Inhofe’s latest campaign commercial (via JoeMyGod):

You would never know watching that ad that Andrew Rice is a married man—a married-to-a-woman man, thank you very much!—and has a kid, seeing as Inhofe makes Rice look like he just walked off a shoot with/shoot in Brent Corrigan. (But we can safely assume that Rice now regrets posing for all those boy-band publicity shots back in the day.)

But here’s what I love most about Inhofe’s ad: SCARE GROOMS! They’re a little like “square quotes,” but small and plastic and found on top of wedding cakes especially baked to terrify anti-gay bigots. Inhofe uses scare grooms to particularly good effect here: the ominous music, the swooping camera angle, the sinister look on what are clearly a couple of very cheap-ass grooms, and the sad, blurry bride consigned to the edge of the shot.


Message? While it may be praiseworthy for Sarah Palin to have a kid with downs syndrome and shit, Andrew Rice wants gay babies with downs syndrome to grow up and marry their identical twin brothers! And that ain’t right—particularly when there are lots of good, decent, hard-working, completely blurry Oklahoma girls out there just aching marry gay guys with downs syndrome.

Oh man, I love me a good pair of scare grooms! Anti-gay bloggers frequently illustrate posts about gay marriage with images of scare grooms (examples here and here), and the authors of books that come out strongly against gay marriage also find scare grooms hard to resist….


I’d like to find more examples of scare grooms—and scare brides!—so that I can start collecting them and posting them on Slog. (Hey, it’s that or more pictures of Gregoire yard signs, people.) So if you run across a pair of scare grooms—plastic cake toppers, not just pictures of gays getting married—on a conservative blog, the cover of a magazine, an anti-gay website, or in a gay-baiting campaign commercial, please send it my way!

RSS icon Comments


How about scare grooms of two Jesus'. Two Jesus getting married. That would scare them right out of their teeny minds.

Posted by Vince | September 19, 2008 3:21 PM

What the heck's a D.E.T.D.D.? Sounds like something you get from not using condoms.

Posted by Eric F | September 19, 2008 3:29 PM

Please call it "That Cake Must Have Provoked Those Plastic Grooms Somehow."

Posted by elenchos | September 19, 2008 3:33 PM

Two grooms on a cake is gross, but two brides on a cake would be totally hot!

Posted by Banna | September 19, 2008 3:38 PM

an 18-year-old isn't eligible to hold office in the U.S. Senate.

Posted by josh | September 19, 2008 3:51 PM

How about "two grooms one cake"?

Posted by breklor | September 19, 2008 4:07 PM

He's obviously not 18. Maybe Dan meant he was a porn star when he was 18.

Posted by w7ngman | September 19, 2008 4:33 PM

Off topic, but ...The Seattle Times Endorsement for President:

Posted by FYI | September 19, 2008 4:44 PM

Uh, so are those grooms on your book "scare grooms," Dan? Or does your book "come out strongly against gay marriage"?

Or could it possibly be that the two grooms are just a reasonably neutral icon for the issue, like newscasts used to have in the upper-right quadrant when we were kids?

Posted by David Wright | September 19, 2008 4:49 PM

Dan forgot to put up a link to Andrew Rice's campaign website, so I'll do that now:

Posted by Trey | September 19, 2008 5:03 PM

I'd like to think some of those Scare grooms are really Scare Butches. I don't know too many lesbian couples who would find themselves reflected in Scare Brides.

Posted by genevieve | September 19, 2008 5:20 PM

Perhaps Senator Inhofe has never read the Gospel according to Luke, chapter 16.

The Rich Man and Lazarus

Jesus said:

19 "There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20 At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21 and longing to eat what fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

22 "The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23 In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24 So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'

25 "But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26 And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'

27 "He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, 28 for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'

29 "Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'

30 "'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'

31 "He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.'"

Posted by reads the bible | September 19, 2008 6:55 PM

Please "Down syndrome" correctly. Thanks.

Posted by Hartiepie | September 19, 2008 8:58 PM

Who has "down syndrome" (spelled correctly is it?) babies anyways? Isn't that why you have tests when you are pregnant? Especially over 40. It's called "CHOICE".Gay couples adopting babies. What would Wikipedia call them, greybies? Another thought all together. Guess someone has to love them and collect a check. They are some happy people though! (the 'down syndrome' people)

Posted by Alligator | September 20, 2008 4:14 AM

Must post again. I meant gay couples adopting retarded babies. How much fun would that be, especially in Oklahoma! I wish I had the $ to move to OK just to vote for this guy! Thanks Dan!

Posted by Alligator | September 20, 2008 4:18 AM

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