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Monday, September 29, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 29 at 14:10 PM

I’m 21, good looking, sexually active and single woman. I have never had a boyfriend but I have many guy friends who tell me that I’m great. A friend called me an emotional virgin the other day and I’m really starting to be troubled by that. Is it that men don’t want to date me or is my lack of putting up with bullshit getting me into trouble? What can I be doing to make myself appear/be more emotionally available? I fear that maybe it’s just as simple as the vibes I’m putting off.


Hm. You don’t give me much to work with here, JN. For instance, it would help to have an example or two of the kind of bullshit you’ve found yourself incapable of putting up with. Some bullshit is intolerable, of course, and everyone has deal breakers. But there’s no such thing as a bullshit-free relationship. A long-term relationship is, at its core, two people struggling to put up with each other’s bullshit—day-in, day-out, year after year—in exchange for things intangible (love) and tangible (sex).

It comes down to this in the end, JN: If you can’t put up with someone else’s bullshit, JN, why on earth would they put up with yours?

RSS icon Comments


Hey JN

Whatcha doing later tonight?

Posted by Chris | September 29, 2008 2:25 PM

Simply a fear of intimacy? She could also intimidate men with her directness. (It's something I always enjoy, it aleviates the pressure for me, but I know I'm in the minority in this).

Or MAYBE a lack of experience can be very intimidating, especially for a girl with confidence. A decent guy, sometimes doesn't want the responsibility and baggage that can come with seriously dating someone. Because men are generally socially programmed to be predatory ... it's easy to prey on someones weaker and more fragile. A jerk would be indifferent to the emotional state of an "emotional virgin" and not give a shit. But a jerk isn't going to get involved with someone that he has no ability to lay down any control.

In all instances, I think she should take more initiative. If she is attractive, then the numbers don't lie. Women have a stupidly higher success rate than men when it comes to making the first move.

OR she can just find someone that is really really really hot. I mean stupid hot so that the emotional connection is inconsequential. Then she can get that train wreck going that is called learning how to date ...

I don't know, it might sound shallow, but dating, when your young is opportunity for introspection and a time to explore to see what you have to offer someone else.

Posted by formerly OR Matt | September 29, 2008 2:30 PM

Maybe she's a sociopath.

Posted by deadbeef | September 29, 2008 2:37 PM

Sociopaths are great in the sack.

Posted by Matthew | September 29, 2008 2:40 PM

It reminds me of people who publish ads that say "no assholes."

Posted by flamingbanjo | September 29, 2008 2:43 PM

If you like men, you'll put up with some bullshit. If you want perfection, you may look a long time or fall for a guy who tells you lies you want to hear. And if you think all you need to do is get him to marry you and you will change him, jump off a cliff now.

Posted by Vince | September 29, 2008 2:51 PM

Vince, you are wonderful

Posted by formerly OR Matt | September 29, 2008 2:54 PM

Here is a simple, three-step process for getting into a relationship with a guy:

1. Find available guy.
2. Ask him out on a date.
3. Repeat as necessary.

Posted by Greg | September 29, 2008 2:56 PM

I agree with 8. If you want to get in a relationship with a guy, ask the guy. Don't play silly little games and get upset when the guy doesn't know you want a relationship with them. Tell them.

And Dan, I love that definition of a long-term relationship. "A long-term relationship is, at its core, two people struggling to put up with each other’s bullshit—day-in, day-out, year after year—in exchange for things intangible (love) and tangible (sex)." It's wonderful.

Posted by N | September 29, 2008 2:58 PM

She is sexually active but never had a boyfriend, guy friends think she is great, hmmmm... does slut come to anyone elses mind? I am no prude but, that's what it sounds like to me. Hey, if you want nsa sex, and find willing patners who feel the same way great, but stop complaining. In order to have multple partners and explore your sexuallity I would think you'd have to stay emotionally disconnected, isn't that the basis of nsa sex? No strings, no emotional commitment!

Posted by Joe | September 29, 2008 3:08 PM

No wait a minute ... "lack of putting up with bullshit" could also mean not very generous in bed ...

Posted by formerly OR Matt | September 29, 2008 3:37 PM

Are the "guy friends" telling her she's great in bed or more generally as a person?
The friend who caled her an emotional virgin knows much more about her than we can glean from this letter. When I think og that phrase I get an image of someone who never lets any relationship get beyond second base. It sounds to me that she shuts men out before anything emotional can actually happen.

Posted by inkweary | September 29, 2008 3:48 PM

To advertise more emotional availability, I recommend uncontrollable weeping, alternating with wild, hysterical laughter, and punctuated with a few short bursts of violent, knuckle-busting rage. No guy can resist.

Posted by Fnarf | September 29, 2008 4:10 PM

JN what's the fear? emotional virgin, hmmm
maybe it's time to open up and let some feelings in and out
what do you want, ask for it
go back to the friend and ask, wtf

Posted by 4f...sake | September 29, 2008 4:26 PM

NEWS FLASH from another girl in her 20s:

Often, men who rely on casual sex are emotional virgins too.

That is why it's so easy to hook up so much, but it doesn't tend to lead to healthy relationships very often IMO.

You have to use a different strategy for finding a boyfriend than you would for finding/keeping a fuck buddy.

Posted by raisedbywolves | September 30, 2008 1:29 AM

hmm, JN, you sound a lot like me at 21. of course, i was perfectly happy sleeping around and wasn't actively dating anyone. i wasn't ready to. that did make me an 'emotional virgin' i suppose, because for all the sex i was getting (the three step plan introduced above worked fine for me), i had no desire to become emotionally available to the men i was fucking. this isn't a problem unless you say it is.

it was nice to get out and try on different men to see how they fit. most of them didn't, but many were great in the sack anyway. after years of 'only the abstinent are holy' bullshit, a person can have a lot of sexual steam to blow off (ha!) before they settle down to anyone. i really feel the biggest mistake you can make is to seriously date your first fuck partner. why? because you're so emotionally vulnerable then, and the act of having sex (finally!) is so emotionally charged. you can wind up in a so-so or even terrible relationship which goes a long time past its expiration date by doing so. pick a good one, sure, just don't pick him for long-term potential.

once you've gotten some of that crazy fucklust out of your system, you can more sanely observe other qualities in the men you'd actually like to date for long-term commitments. my advice is to ignore whatever head-trip your 'friend' is laying on you about emotional virginity. so what if you are? you'll come out of that in your own time, in your own way, after sampling a lot of what's on the menu.

the male world is your oyster. shop around now with a dispassionate eye, and when you do find someone you're willing to be vulnerable for, you're less likely to have selected someone with major assholistic tendencies. and you'll also feel, more clearly, that the person you're willing to be vulnerable for has more going for him and for you than an ability to please you in the sack. this will be really important later, when you want to strangle him for some other transgression, like say making you suffer through 'white christmas' every friggin' year at his family gathering when you'd rather be listening to 'alice's restaurant'.

best of luck to you.

Posted by happyhedonist | September 30, 2008 10:38 AM

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