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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 23 at 12:26 PM

I’m a 20 year old bisexual female. I like having my sexual partners tie me up and beat me. However, I have a physical coming up in a couple of months. I’m worried that the bruises may bring up questions with my doctor, and she’ll believe I’m being abused, despite it being consensual. Should I own up to my doctor and tell her I’m engaging in consensual, safe, BDSM practices, or should I hold off on getting beat for a few weeks before my physical and not bring up the topic?

Very Kinky Girl

I guess it comes down to what you dread more, VKG: going without those beatings for a couple of weeks or coming out to your doctor about your kinks.

You might also want to consider finding a kink-friendly doctor. The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom maintains a list of “kink-aware professionals,” including doctors, psychologists, lawyers, counselors, etc.

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What is the deal with people who so dread telling their doctors about how they lead their lives? I understand your mail would be far less interesting without them, but I've always been confused by this mentality.

Posted by Levislade | September 23, 2008 12:33 PM

How was this the SL Letter of the Day?

Posted by Mr. Poe | September 23, 2008 12:34 PM

Is your doctor really that bad, that you feel unable to explain basic issues to them and have their understanding?

Give her the benefit of the doubt!--if she actually thinks it's the result of abuse, it's a good opportunity for education. If you keep it in the closet, it just has that much more possibility of harming someone down the road anyway.

I'd be honest with her--I agree with Dan that the NCSF is a good resource for finding professionals, but you shouldn't have to tread that lightly around your current physician, whom you're trusting to assist with critical health matters.

Posted by lusk | September 23, 2008 12:34 PM

Give her a break. She's 20.

Posted by Dan Savage | September 23, 2008 12:34 PM


Posted by Chris | September 23, 2008 12:39 PM

Tell her doctor she's in a martial arts class.

Posted by Missy Miss | September 23, 2008 12:41 PM

This seems like a non-issue. Hell, I have a bunch of bruises all over my legs right now just from being an active, outdoorsy kind of person. Even if you're doctor thinks you're being abused (probably unlikely that she will), the first thing she'll do is talk to you about it, which will give you the opportunity to tell her the truth.

Posted by Julie in Chicago | September 23, 2008 12:44 PM

Normally I don't grammar correct my own posts, but geez. You're doctor = your doctor. Obviously.

Posted by Julie in Chicago | September 23, 2008 12:47 PM

my partner's daughter won't tell her gynecologist that she had a abortion last year. I think that's really stupid.

Posted by anon | September 23, 2008 12:53 PM

I've always wondered---is it the distraction of the pain and the danger in this kind rough play which makes one forget at least temporaily ones own death (which of course, at least unconsciously, we always know can occur at any moment), or is it the play aspect---knowing it won't go too far---which gently allows us to learn how brutality is but a phrase in the overall conversation of life, continuous with its kindnesses and gentlenesses, which explains Masochism's allure?

My answer: instruct the doctor about the true beneficial meaning of your wounds. It could be a lesson they will never otherwise receive; a great loss considering wounds of the flesh are what they specialize in.

Posted by John | September 23, 2008 12:53 PM

@ Poe

I think Dan's pointing out again that some people just don't understand the BEATING lifestyle that some lead.

Posted by Non | September 23, 2008 12:54 PM

she's bisexual. oooOOOoooh!

i think she just wanted to brag about being a Very Kinky Girl.

Posted by brandon | September 23, 2008 12:59 PM

Goodness Gracious what do we have here ?


Do you think that we should hide secrets from our doctors, or get a doctor that is sympathetic(sick) that files everything on 15 a minute basis, then gives us another appointment AFTER A PILL PRESCRIPTION AND MORE PILLS FOR MORE 15 MINUTE PRESCRIPTION SESSIONS....

and or should we never hide?

I just left my doctors office and he said...

"Your not doing anything to scare them are

Of course, I am not qualified to give advice, and it may be termed cruel to respond as if everything in this world has been "traumatied" since 9-11, and since listening to that lyric..

"it's just the way you were tied in..."

Should we grieve for all the war torn "mixers" out there lost in the discovery lanes of life, or do you think we should comment blindly on the slogs of others admissions living vacariously in our own little worlds connected to everything and nothing at all by the cable guys and girls...

Are they even (or oddly [sic]) lost and in fact should YOU judge whether or not to comment in the first place or should you just go ahead and pull the brass out of your own pocket and gag yourself?????


( don't Brittany I don't want her bondo expense insurance ledgers coming after me...){ and PUHLEEESE don't CAREY it either as these are serious issues in today's NAZI like CLIMATES of the 2008 WAR ON VOTERS IN AMERICA, they might STUFF someone unintended....}

Maybe I should have said Cable Men and Cable Women
"mixed-use gender excentrics."


Here's something for the Nationals....

In The New Yorker, September 2006, there is a National Mirror referenced article with a cartoon and caption with a couple of "turban wrapped bearded dudes..."

I'd have a brim on my borrowed bike helmet to break up the middle east jewish commentary on my ASIAN HAIR HELMUT STYLE,

but alas the rag in the rest stops shower was tossed in the dryer and MY OTHER FRIENDS HAT WAS NOT IN MY BAG WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE STALL.


Do you know why I am not qualified to be commententing and cruel at the same time?

Because you, dear opponent assume that I am writing about someone in my life experiance and not commenting seperatly on this slog entry only.

So, now that you have had a eye full of others questions on the question and answer show and tell hour here on the SLOG,

remember the lesson of MEL GIBSON in that movie where they said he was crazy next time you " VOLUNTEER " to help some little old lady empty her apartment of all those old newspapers and magazines...

( HOPING NO DOUBT TO FIND 100.00 dollar bills inbetween the pages...

[because you wouldn't volunteer to take her old magazines away to the magazine collector would you dear VIRGINIA?]


Posted by dan | September 23, 2008 1:01 PM

@13 - WTF???

Posted by Charm | September 23, 2008 1:29 PM

@13 mean an anomaly?

Posted by Jaime-Leigh | September 23, 2008 1:36 PM

Nice Courtney Love impression!

Posted by Missy Miss | September 23, 2008 1:55 PM

I say own it, take care of your body-however that works for you.

there is not one right or wrong way to do it

Posted by 4f...sake | September 23, 2008 2:06 PM

@13 - I've never seen someone get so much pleasure from doing Mad Libs.

Posted by Ivan | September 23, 2008 2:28 PM

#13 has got to be genuinely crazy, because I just don't see how anyone sane could play it so convincingly and so consistently.

Posted by Greg | September 23, 2008 2:50 PM
Iím a 20 year old bisexual female.
What an excellent t-shirt that would make.
Posted by elenchos | September 23, 2008 2:50 PM

@20: the "i'm a 30 year old bisexual female" pool is way smaller.

Posted by max solomon | September 23, 2008 2:56 PM

You never know, your doctor may be able to give you some tips on how to get thoroughly thrashed without serious injury. You should ask them about it.

They've probably heard it all before anyway. For example, emergency room docs remove foreign objects from someone's anus at least once a year. They even have a special tool for it.

Posted by blank12357 | September 23, 2008 3:05 PM

If you use ice packs on the areas you will likely bruise after you've had your fun, it might help to reduce or even eliminate the marks. Pressure and ice right away.

Posted by Vince | September 23, 2008 3:08 PM

I'm curious if typical consensual BDSM injuries would really look anything like injuries from abuse to someone who was actually familiar with injuries from abuse. I really think there's more than consent separating typical BDSM from typical abuse. Anybody out there who's familiar with both, in one capacity or another, want to comment on this?

...and someone should tell this poor girl that one handprint-shaped-bruise will not constitute proof, in her doctor's eyes, of either abuse *or* kinkiness.

Posted by a | September 23, 2008 3:29 PM

I'm looking forward to being one of those kink-friendly doctors one day. People shouldn't have to worry about this stuff.

Posted by violet_dagrinder | September 23, 2008 3:33 PM

It isn't clear to me if this is a routine physical for health maintenance or a required physical for insurance or a job. If the latter, no bruises is the best policy because the doctor is working for the company, not for you. If the former, she needs to find a physician who understands her lifestyle. Regardless of which the doc will be obligated to note any bruising present in a review of systems. To not note it would be negligent charting.

Posted by inkweary | September 23, 2008 3:40 PM

I would think it would be easier to "come out" on a routine physical than when you're sick.

That said, I also agree with inkweary @26.

And that kink-aware professionals list is kinda weak for WA - only 3.

Posted by jenk | September 23, 2008 3:53 PM

I would suggest asking your doctor not to write the information in the file if you have aspirations of leading a "public" life. Hopefully, by the time you become professional and famous that shit won't matter, but it might.

Posted by Papayas | September 23, 2008 11:27 PM

If you can't trust your current doctor, get a new one. Health is too important to ever, ever tiptoe around with secrets and apparently "unimportant" information.

Posted by Gloria | September 24, 2008 6:57 AM

Yeah, I had a doc who was clearly embarrassed when I told her I was a lesbian (a Seattle doc, a woman). Of course I changed docs after that, but it still made that particular visit uncomfortable. The prob is yr not going to know how the doc will react until you tell them. I'd let the bruises fade if I were you.

Posted by China | September 24, 2008 12:22 PM

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