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Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 17 at 13:20 PM

So I was really horny today and seriously had a really long shitty week and I needed some release. I hooked with a guy around my age who seem cute in his pictures. We’ve chatted for a while and always talked about meeting. But he wasn’t that cute in person, he had cheesy contact lenses, bad tattoos, and he was not in shape as it seemed in the picture, he had stretch marks and scars, didn’t have good skin, and he kept on chewing gum the whole time.


So I sucked this guy’s dick and I let him fuck me. He wanted to cum in my face and I said no, no, no. So at least I didn’t let that happen. This guy lives pretty far from me so hopefully I won’t see him again because I’ll be embarrassed if people knew I had sex with him. I’m feeling gross at the moment. I did it because I was desperate but now I’m dealing with the after effects. Any word of wisdom? Or anything to make me feel better? Should I just ignore him if I see him again?

Slept With A Gross Guy

Don’t ignore him if you see him again. As a general rule, SWAGG, we should strive to be polite—at the very least—to people whose genitals we’ve taken into our mouths. So say hello if you run into him again, be nice but not overly friendly, don’t engage with him, and if anyone should ask how you know the gross guy with the cheesy contact lenses and bad skin, just say, “Boyfriend of an ex.”

Moving on: Never go through with casual sex out for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. (Sex in relationships, well, that’s a different story.) When you got to this guy’s house and discovered that you weren’t that into him, as the saying goes, you could’ve and should’ve excused yourself. All you had to say was, “I’m sorry, but I’m not feeling it.” And then go.

How to feel better about yourself? Sadly you can’t un-have this experience, but you make up your mind to learn from it and resolve never to put yourself in this position again. First, and again, don’t go through with a sexual encounter after you’ve realized you’re not into it. When that happens, make an excuse, any excuse, be nice, be polite, be direct. But make your excuses and get out. Also, kiddo, ANAL SEX IS NOT A FIRST DATE ACTIVITY. Period. Ever. And I hope you were using condoms.

And don’t run out and have sex when you’re feeling shitty. Stay home and beat off when you’re feeling shitty.

RSS icon Comments


Dan, you misspelled house.

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger | September 17, 2008 1:36 PM

Cheesy contact lenses? Like, visibly in bad taste, or clotted with eye hockey?

Posted by Grant Cogswell | September 17, 2008 1:40 PM

Well, he could always do what the girls I meet do when they come over to my house and decide they're not into it: accuse me of secretly being gay, go crazy, cry, and puke in my living room. Just sayin', it works.

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | September 17, 2008 1:41 PM

Um, how can you tell the author is male?

Posted by Dan | September 17, 2008 1:46 PM

Dan, I have a request. I like the Savage Love Letter of the Day, but when one of those letters and your very same already-blogged response ends up in the column (as has been happening quite a bit lately), it's kind of disappointing. I usually look to SL to top off my Stranger-reading experience, and when it turns out I've already read most of the column, well, it's just kind of a letdown.

So, is it too much to ask for you to only blog letters you won't be printing?

Posted by Levislade | September 17, 2008 1:48 PM

Why can't straight guys have problems like this?

Posted by Sean | September 17, 2008 1:53 PM

I thought the writer was a girl, but maybe there was more identifying info deleted.

I also wish you would use different letters for SLOG and for the column.

Posted by hmm | September 17, 2008 1:54 PM

I too was wondering how Dan could tell that this was a gay man and not possibly a straight woman.

Posted by Fonky | September 17, 2008 1:54 PM

Wait - so you pause, actually decide this person is "gross", then fuck them anyway? That actually makes you worse. Who cares how you feel? You're fucking gross.

Dan's right, all you had to say was that you weren't feeling it. Your actions tell a different story, however.

Posted by Dougsf | September 17, 2008 1:54 PM

@9: I dunno. If there's such a thing as drunk goggles, there's certainly such a thing as horny-and-had-a-bad-day goggles.

Posted by Dan | September 17, 2008 1:58 PM

Seriously, why did you assume this was written by a guy?

Posted by twee | September 17, 2008 2:00 PM

I dunno ... why are we assuming Dan's talking about a gay man? I mean, it's more probable that he means that SWAGG is a dude, but maybe he's just trying to cover all the bases for everyone. The rule "no anal on the first date" is pretty universally applicable.

Posted by Gloria | September 17, 2008 2:00 PM

Bravo, Dan. I wish you were around when I was a kid, learning these lessons the hard way.

Posted by fluteprof | September 17, 2008 2:02 PM

Point and laugh, dude. Point and laugh.

Posted by Mr. Poe | September 17, 2008 2:06 PM

Yes please (different SLOG and column letters). If it gets to be too much work, delegate the SLOG versions to Lindy West. Everyone loves Lindy...

Posted by threnody | September 17, 2008 2:07 PM

i can totally imagine this being a female because of still going through with the fuck after grossness(I've seen this happen); would gay men still sleep with someone from online if they turned out to be gross?

Posted by Bellevue Ave | September 17, 2008 2:11 PM

@16: That's what I thought, too. But maybe there was more in the e-mail.

Posted by Dan | September 17, 2008 2:13 PM

@12 - Sorry, but you're clueless.

Posted by twee | September 17, 2008 2:18 PM

#10 - I hear you, and there's those "whoa, I maybe shouldn't done that but it just sorta happened" times, but this wasn't one of them. This was a person answering an ad, driving to someone's house, meeting the guy, making the decision he did not like the guy - then not only blowing him, but letting the guy fuck'em.

The writer should just take a shower and shut up. Cases like this where people get all indignant and act like they've stooped to some lower level because they hooked up with someone below their standards - guess what? Those ARE your standards, because that's who you're fucking!

Seriously, jerking off is fun anyhow. It could've saved the author a lot of time and confusion.

Posted by Dougsf | September 17, 2008 2:21 PM

@ 12 - anal sex is not mentioned in the letter. Only "sex". Thus, it would appear to be a straight woman or a gay man, given that the writer is differentiating between "sex" and "suck[ing] cock".

Posted by STJA | September 17, 2008 2:21 PM


"Those ARE your standards, because that's who you're fucking!"

OK, that's a pretty good point. I concede.

Posted by Dan | September 17, 2008 2:27 PM

Bellevue Ave, that is true - women do that, even I've done it, but so do men. Men fuck women they don't really want to have sex with all the time out of some kind of feeling of obligation, maybe because the woman is doing things for the man because she wants to be liked by him. Sometimes the man just wants to be able to say he is getting laid to make himself feel good about himself, or to add notches to his bedpost and brag to his friends. Maybe a combo. Men sleep with women they aren't attracted to or have no chemistry with for a variety of reasons and feel crappy about it later.

Posted by Mikki | September 17, 2008 2:33 PM

Would sleeping with a gorgon qualify?

Posted by Bellevue Ave | September 17, 2008 2:46 PM

I assumed this was a woman as well. It was written in a gender neutral manner and I suspect that most of us just project our own sexuality onto the writer.

Anyway, this person needs a therapist. S/he has low self esteem and a victim mentality. This is unlikely to change without a therapist, ten years passing, or both. The statement about feeling bad and then acting out sexually is consistent with the behavior of someone with abuse in their past whether sexual, physical or emotional. Get help.

Posted by Jim | September 17, 2008 2:55 PM

All those who wonder why Dan's "assuming" the writer is a guy: maybe the writer attached his name? Dan frequently edits emails for brevity and/or identifying details.

I'm shaving my head soon.

Posted by Breklor | September 17, 2008 2:58 PM

I feel the need to put in my two cents on this as well. Please, please, please, I love the letter of the day as well, but it's such a let down when I open up Savage Love and find a letter that I've already seen. While I'm sure it's true that everyone who reads your column doesn't read your blog, it's pretty safe to say that everyone who reads your blog, reads your column too. For us, these are reruns, and a little disappointing. I look forward to Savage Love all week.

Posted by Charm | September 17, 2008 3:00 PM

Most of us have had sex for the worst possible reasons ... Part of me thinks it's a female because there is no reference to his/her climax. "I sucked him off and let him fuck me" Without any desire of getting off? Yeah I'd say a woman, simply because I don't care how miserable you were about hooking up, most guys would still want to get off.

And people on the post don't be so fricken hard on her. What's the song, "If it wasn't for bad love, I wouldn't have no love at all." Sometimes that's just the way it goes.

Posted by formerly OR Matt | September 17, 2008 3:03 PM

Sure BA, if looking at a gorgon naked can't turn your dick to stone, then I guess that qualifies.

Posted by Mikki | September 17, 2008 3:08 PM

Putting up a flattering picture is one thing. Totally fucking lying in your pics is another. Feel free to take off.

Posted by Gitai | September 17, 2008 3:10 PM

cum IN your face or ON your face? there's an important difference.

i say gay man because girls don't generally say "cock".

Posted by max solomon | September 17, 2008 3:24 PM

You know, something about the content and writing style makes it obvious that this is a guy writing. You ever heard of a Turing test?

Posted by Greg | September 17, 2008 3:27 PM

@3 is right. If you can't bring yourself to say "You lied (looks, weight, no cats, etc), I'm outta here." You should throw up.
If they didn't lie and actually are hot but give you the creepy-willies you should also leave, fast. Try throwing up on them before leaving though.

Posted by inkweary | September 17, 2008 3:30 PM

New T shirt idea;

Gorgons make my cock hard.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | September 17, 2008 3:32 PM

Most women I've known refer to the member as "cock".

Posted by formerly OR Matt | September 17, 2008 3:36 PM

How about always meeting up in a neutral location first? It gives both parties a better way of getting out of it and drastically reduces the chance of date rape.

That alone makes me think this was a guy. There are certainly women who take risks like that, but it seems like a guy is more likely to.

Posted by keshmeshi | September 17, 2008 3:37 PM

The letter was from a dude. Sorry about the confusion.

Posted by Dan Savage | September 17, 2008 3:42 PM

Thanks Dan, I suppose it shouldn't matter, but for some reason it does.

Posted by formerly OR Matt | September 17, 2008 3:47 PM

Can the shirt have a picture of Chris Noth on it?

Posted by Mikki | September 17, 2008 4:07 PM


Is that the one where humans talk to the subject and try to determine if it's a computer or a gay British computer scientist?

Posted by Dan | September 17, 2008 4:21 PM

Dan, thanks for clarifying the gender of the writer. But you didn't comment on the more pressing matter of making the Savage Love Letter of the Day our special SLOG treat and leaving those letters off of the print edition. Pretty Please?

Posted by Teenburger | September 17, 2008 4:30 PM

this is totally a guy. I've never heard of a female that has a shitty day, therefore gets horny, horny enough to hook up with a total stranger, find him unappealing, and still suck his dick.

I'm sure there are many females out there that get horny from bad days. And I'm sure even a few of them may get horny enough to fuck someone or suck their dick or both. But not a stranger with whom they just started online chatting that day. A FWB, sure. A hot ex boyfriend, maybe. Maybe even a sexy stranger that just happened to catch her at a weak moment in a starbucks. But no way a chick is going to react anddo what the writer describes.

A dude totally would. Probably a closeted married dude. Now maybe I'm projecting.

Posted by Mike in MO | September 17, 2008 4:37 PM

One question, Dan: I'm not saying I disagree, but it strikes me that there really is no distinction between anal sex on a first date and anal sex on the fifteenth (I'm assuming condom use here). I can't see why the date number makes a difference. The only way I can see your rule making sense is if you add "no anal sex till you've both been tested." If someone is not disclosing or is unaware of their status, what difference does it make whether it's the 1st or 4th or 10th date?

The rule has always puzzled me for its logic, unless your point is we all have a lot more one-night/afternoon-stands and that we should decrease the amount of fucking generally, and this would be a way for it to happen.

Posted by Dean P | September 17, 2008 4:37 PM

Read like dude to me, but maybe that's because I have a low opinion of men.

Agreeing with the anti-Slog/Savage Love re-run people. The first re-run had me wondering for a moment if I'd missed a week of SL. Then I realized where I'd read it before. Then I had no new SL to read. Kind of defeats the purpose of reading the weekly column.

Posted by whatevernevermind | September 17, 2008 4:39 PM

I swear I started drafting that comment before Dan cleared the air.

Posted by Mike in MO | September 17, 2008 4:40 PM

Once again I have to disagree on the dogma you pronounce of no anal sex on the first date. You sound like a nun telling us no sex til marriage.

Have all the anal sex you want, but wrap it up, check the expiration date on condoms, use the proper sized & shaped condoms, and educate the hell out of yourself about STD's and safe sex. After that it's your own personal choice. This is how you protect yourself.

Posted by thaumaturgistguy | September 17, 2008 4:41 PM

@41 The worst lay I've ever had in my entire life was from a woman I met at a bar who was having a bad day. I wouldn't have hooked up with her had my friends pushed it. I KNEW something was up. But I suppose I ended up doing it because she was more or less insistant, I hadn't had any for I believe 9 months, and it turned into the "gentlemenly" thing to do (it was learning experience thing for me) ... When I called her on her the fact that she just wasn't into it ... it kind well, was it. I wasn't a douche about it (I'm not the kind of guy that gets off when the girl is forcing it).

So yeah, it does happen ... funny she claimed to be into anal too.

Posted by formerly OR Matt | September 17, 2008 5:41 PM

@20: I kinda thought that was what I said (e.g. I don't get why everyone thinks Dan is talking about a gay man just because he mentioned anal; my own presumption for some reason was that the letter writer was a woman), but eh. I'll forget it.

@12: Which part am I clueless about?

Posted by Gloria | September 17, 2008 6:19 PM

I totally agree with Dan's answer (except the no fucking on the first date--gotta agree with @42 and @45 on that one), but . . .

I'm sorry, the writer strikes me as totally shallow. The other guy's contacts were "cheesy"? What the fuck does that mean?? He chewed gum? Well, so fucking sorry. Who the fuck are you anyway? You wanted to get your ass fucked and your sometime-chatbuddy fuckbuddy obliged. So quit fucking feeling sorry for yourself, shut the fuck up, and be glad you got some cock down your throat and your butt fucked good and hard like you wanted. (Sorry, Sloggers, but jerking off ain't the same.) If you were the hottest piece of ass on the street then you'd have your choice of other hot guys, but clearly you aren't, so maybe you should be thankful that this other guy was willing to take the time to fulfill your needs and not go fucking complaining in public. Sheesh. And yes, I hope you were not so stupid as to forget the fucking condom.

Posted by dislikes whiners | September 17, 2008 9:09 PM

Dan, Whether the writer is male or female (it does not really matter), I think that is the best advise I have ever heard you give.

Posted by Impressed | September 18, 2008 11:30 AM

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