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thought i would note that a handjob is totally more work than sex.

Posted by whomsRU | September 30, 2008 11:30 AM

Has this guy never heard of pornography? Sometimes it's nice to have some "me time."

Posted by Sir Learnsalot | September 30, 2008 11:48 AM

And a blowjob? Please. Way more work than intercourse.

Posted by Terry | September 30, 2008 11:56 AM

@1: Agreed! Though playing with his balls while he strokes it is pretty low-impact.

In general: I thought this advice was spot-on, and find the I'd-die-for-you-but-get-away-from-me point especially apt. If all sex acts are so abhorrent that a person can't power through for the person they love, I'd suggest a therapist.

Posted by Aislinn | September 30, 2008 12:06 PM

Porn can help, but it's not enough by itself. Sitting alone in front of a computer with your dick in your hand is very different than having your lady there to assist. Hell, even having her there just watching changes the dynamic.

Besides, sexual intimacy isn't just about blowing a load. It makes a us feel like the deserving, caring, successful, desirable men that we all like to think we are. When your lady witholds sexual contact, it's clear she doesn't share this opinion of you.

Posted by 1969libertine | September 30, 2008 12:12 PM

Quickies count. I always include this bit of advice in bridal shower cards. Sex doesn't have to mean you're full on into it EVERY single time, and like many others have pointed out, oftentimes you are the one who reaps the benefits of an increased sex drive and a partner who thinks you're the best. What's to lose?

Posted by Carol | September 30, 2008 12:23 PM

playing with his balls while he strokes it is pretty low-impact

Comment of the year.

Posted by Mike in MO | September 30, 2008 12:33 PM

" a Dr. Laura AND a Savage Love fan..."

What the fuck?

Posted by julia | September 30, 2008 12:40 PM

\sarcasm on
Well, frankly, as a woman I find the penis in vagina thing far less work then the rest of the lot. I mean if you aren't into it you just lie there and think of England or something.
\sarcasm off

Sex is fun, try and have more fun with it and stop looking at it as having to stick tab a into slot b x times a week.

Posted by PopTart | September 30, 2008 12:41 PM

I think it is totally individual preference in terms of what women like to do when they're not in the mood. Personally, even though it's not technically any "work" for me to have him "put his face in my tits or crotch" while wanking off, I would not be into that at all. I'd much rather do the "cheerful blowjob" thing.

Posted by Julie in Chicago | September 30, 2008 12:47 PM

what about when your bf doesn't want sex? using toys doesn't always cut it and as a women i could have sex when i'm not in the mood but if my bf can't keep it hard i'm up a creek without a paddle. how do you fix that? i really want this to work and i love him but i'm sooo frustrated! !

Posted by not gettin' any in orlando | September 30, 2008 1:26 PM

I have often wondered if women get the fact that men produce sperm in quantity and it needs, yes needs, a release. Yes, women have the need for satifaction, but they don't have the need to blow a load. It is extremeley compelling for men. Blue balls, the feeling that your sac is brimming with jizz, is real. The comparison to a cow is apt. Cows need, yes need, to be milked and will often make a loud ruckus because of their discomfort. I'm guessing some young women don't understand that. If you turn your back on the physical needs of you BF, he may go elsewhere.

Posted by Vince | September 30, 2008 1:29 PM

@1 and @3

You're doing sex wrong.

Posted by sepiolida | September 30, 2008 1:35 PM

I'd much rather do the "cheerful blowjob" thing

That is the hottest thing you've ever written.

Posted by Mike in MO | September 30, 2008 1:47 PM

The girl that puts no effort into sex. We had a joke about this a long time ago especially with respect to one girl with ISUES.

She slept around a LOT but was apparently the worst lay ever. The equivelent of a sponge with glycerine dead fish type lay ....

Posted by formerly OR Matt | September 30, 2008 1:59 PM

I don't understand why she doesn't just get up there and dance around the pole like she's getting paid to do. My mortgage ain't going to pay itself.

Posted by Fnarf | September 30, 2008 2:13 PM

@13 i only work it if it's worth it. being used as a masturbatory tool... so not worth it.

Posted by whomsRU | September 30, 2008 2:16 PM

@10: oh, julie, how i wish you were in seattle.

Posted by max solomon | September 30, 2008 3:10 PM

This is so damn frustrating. I know how to fix this! In fact, frequently it's the men who end up complaining that their wives and girlfriends want it too much.

Posted by Marrena Lindberg | October 1, 2008 8:35 AM

@1 and @3, you totally don't get it. I'm with the first letter writer, in that when I'm not into sex I really don't want anyone touching my "private parts". It's actively unpleasant. But I love my husband, and giving him a hand job or a blow job is sort of nice; it's intimate and warm without invading my person. It's something I CAN do cheerfully, even when I'm not horny. He doesn't like it as much as real sex, but it's a lot better (for him) than nothing, or getting off on his own.

I SO wish someone had given us this advice 20 years ago. We eventually figured it out on our own, but not until after years of sexual strife.

Posted by sandra | October 1, 2008 4:45 PM

Regarding the guy who wants sex 4x/wk, and girlfriend who wants it about 1x;

What would your response have been if the issue had been the guy wants sex 2-3 times a day? The same thing?

At what point can she just say 'no thanks, not interested'?

If the guy wants sex 2-3 times a day, she should just do all the things you listed 2-3 times a day?!?!

Why do his needs and wants surpass hers?

I know you're a sex advice columnist, but what if she wanted him to go to the ballet with her 4 times a week? Should he go even if he's not interested, because they're in a relationship?

Posted by Mary | October 3, 2008 4:46 PM

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