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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on September 30 at 11:15 AM

Reaction to my advice for “Wanna Want More,” the woman whose boyfriend wants it four times a week while she only wants it once a week, continues to pour in. I advised WWM to fuck the shit out of her boyfriend once a week and “keep him milked” two or three times a week—basically, take ten minutes three times a week to help him rub one out, thereby keeping his balls drained and him content, and who knows? Maybe her libido will kick into gear now and then during these low-stakes, get-him-off sessions. You can read the whole thing here. Four reader responses after the jump…

I usually like your advice. Or even if I don’t always like it, I rarely get irritated by it. But this time, you really put your foot in your mouth.

I refer to the letter from “Wanna Want More,” whose boyfriend’s libido outpaces hers by a lot. Your advice was to not try and reach a compromise of, say, four times per week, because you think that will end up making her feel resentful and she’ll abandon the attempt and her boyfriend will be unhappy and unfulfilled, but for her to agree to keep him “well and thoroughly milked” not by having sex, but by letting him go down on her and giving him hand jobs or watching him jerk off.

Did you remember that the writer’s problem was a low libido? Do you remember what that means: a low desire to have or engage in sex. Aren’t these sex acts? I’m surprised at you. So oral and mutual masturbation and stroking someone else to orgasm don’t count as sex, do they? Does a penis have to go in and out of a vagina for the act to qualify as sex? I guess that leaves all the gay people out. As you’re so fond of pointing out to all the Christians who are saving themselves for marriage, staying pure, and yet fingering each other, giving head, even having anal sex: they are hypocrites or liars: sex is sex. How can you tell this woman that she shouldn’t have to have sex; she should just “treat him to a hand job while [she] rub[s her] tits in his face.”

It’s sex. You know it is. It’s not just that her boyfriend needs to be “milked”—what is he, for fuck’s sake, a Jersey cow?—because you well know that if he just needed to “keep his balls drained” he could take care of that on his own. No; what he wants—and it seems like a reasonable request—is that his girlfriend want to have sex with him more than once a week.

Do you really think any woman who doesn’t want to have sex more often than once a week with a man she says is sweet and whom she loves, is going to happily “plop [her] twat down on his face and let him eat [her] out while he beats off”? You tell her it will only take ten minutes, as if you’re offering suggestions for dealing with a trip to the dentist. And furthermore, your solution is supposed to be employed week after week, indefinitely. How long do you think a woman who cries when her boyfriend tells her he needs sex more than once a week is going to put up with acting like a disaffected sex worker, joylessly pulling away on her john’s dick?

And this doesn’t even begin to deal with how the boyfriend is going to feel if she approaches each of these “milking” techniques as some horrible chore she has to perform.


Well, you got me. Handjobs, blowjobs, tits-in-your-face—that’s all that is sex, so far as I’m concerned. What it isn’t, however, is too terribly taxing. And while it would be sex—or sexual release—for WWM’s boyfriend, I don’t think, under the circumstances, that it adds up to sex for WWM. What I laid out doesn’t require that much of WWM; it would be understood, going into these milking sessions, that this is enhanced masturbation for the boyfriend, not full-blown sexual intercourse. He’s horny, she’s not. He’s attracted to her. She holds him—or sits on his face, or has him kneel between her legs and allows him to nuzzle her panty-clad crotch—and he rubs one out.

As for treating this like a horrible chore, I did warn WWM thusly: “But you also commit to making sure your boyfriend is thoroughly milked—with your cheerful assistance—three times a week.” So, yeah, I agree that it won’t work if WWM treats it like drudgery.

I guess I don’t see what the big deal is. How often do you hear people say, when discussing the person they love, that they would do anything for that person? Anything at all—walk through fire, take a bullet, die for that person. They would do anything… except help that person beat off. Die for you? Sure! Help you out when you’re feeling horny and need a little intimacy and just want to blow a load? Nope, that’s asking too much.

How fucking sad is that?

I could have written the letter from Wanna Want More, and I think the compromise you suggested is wise in spirit but not actually workable. I know my husband only has two modes—Horny and Not Particularly Horny—but when I don’t feel like sex, I am in a third mode which can charitably be described as Seriously, Stay Out Of My Body Space. Anybody sticking his face anywhere during this time makes me feel invaded and uncomfortable and totally squicked out and turned off; it’s not a GGG-able situation, and in fact I’d much rather just blow the guy and not have to take my clothes off. I’m sure this is somewhere between an unfortunate quirk and a major disorder, but it’s one I share with a lot of women and I bet with WWM, and it means that any off-getting is going to have to involve something less, well, personal.

Also WWM

So give your husband blowjobs when you’re not feeling like being touched, AWWM. I’m pretty sure that’s a compromise he could live with. And who says you have to take your clothes off when you help your husband rub one out? Why not explore a little CFNM?

Thank you for the excellent advice to Wanna Want More. That could have been written by me until about six months ago: I, too, was in my mid-20s with a sexy partner and enjoyed great sex about once a week, though he wanted more. I ended up doing essentially what you said: committed to full weekly intercourse and kept him “thoroughly milked” in between. He was satisfied and, as you theorized, once the pressure was off and we’d experimented with different ways of pleasing each other, I did want him more often.

Worked For Me

Thanks for sharing, WFM.

The advice you gave to Wanna Want More was the best advice I never realized I needed. I wasn’t conscious of how guilty I felt for not having a libido as high as my husband’s. I told him about WWM’s letter, and asked him if he’d like that kind of treatment. He said “Hell, yes.” When he asked for sex, I thought he wanted sex. I had no idea that being a masturbation aid was sufficient. My great sex life just got better.


You’re welcome, Kit.

Great advice, Dan. And did you know that that’s exactly the same advice Dr. Laura gives women who call into her show with that problem? (Well, it’s usually the women, but occasionally the man.) Her premise, like yours, is smart and it works: take care of your man and you may be surprised how the feelings of horniness magically appear. It also works in gay relationships like ours. We have a “never turn down the offer of sex from your partner” policy, and it is amazing how often one of us realizes—after shooting a load—how horny we were but just didn’t realize it.

Anyway, as a Dr. Laura AND a Savage Love fan, it gives me great pleasure to point out how you and Dr. Laura are on the same page on this one.


Wait—Dr. Laura gives the exact same advice? Holy crap! And last word goes to…

Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of support on your advice to “Wanna Want More.” You were right on the money! My wife has been offering almost exactly the same “milking” activities you suggested (totally hot, btw) for awhile now, whenever she wasn’t up for full-on sex, but wanted to respond sweetly to my advances. Sadly, I’ve been pushing back on those offers out of guilt/shame, worrying that somehow I was putting her on the spot in a disrespectful way, despite her assurances to the contrary.

What a fool I’ve been! Your advice was a revelation—I finally “got it,” and when I read it aloud to my wife, she was like, “Uh-huh, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!” I finally gave myself permission in that moment to recognize that for her, this isn’t disrespectful towards her—on the contrary, it’s psychologically rewarding for her to have such power over me and be such an efficient “milker”—and occasionally leads to more if she gets inspired! She regards it as a happy chore that takes very little of her time, and makes us both happier in the long run. THANK YOU!!!

Another Happy Cow

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thought i would note that a handjob is totally more work than sex.

Posted by whomsRU | September 30, 2008 11:30 AM

Has this guy never heard of pornography? Sometimes it's nice to have some "me time."

Posted by Sir Learnsalot | September 30, 2008 11:48 AM

And a blowjob? Please. Way more work than intercourse.

Posted by Terry | September 30, 2008 11:56 AM

@1: Agreed! Though playing with his balls while he strokes it is pretty low-impact.

In general: I thought this advice was spot-on, and find the I'd-die-for-you-but-get-away-from-me point especially apt. If all sex acts are so abhorrent that a person can't power through for the person they love, I'd suggest a therapist.

Posted by Aislinn | September 30, 2008 12:06 PM

Porn can help, but it's not enough by itself. Sitting alone in front of a computer with your dick in your hand is very different than having your lady there to assist. Hell, even having her there just watching changes the dynamic.

Besides, sexual intimacy isn't just about blowing a load. It makes a us feel like the deserving, caring, successful, desirable men that we all like to think we are. When your lady witholds sexual contact, it's clear she doesn't share this opinion of you.

Posted by 1969libertine | September 30, 2008 12:12 PM

Quickies count. I always include this bit of advice in bridal shower cards. Sex doesn't have to mean you're full on into it EVERY single time, and like many others have pointed out, oftentimes you are the one who reaps the benefits of an increased sex drive and a partner who thinks you're the best. What's to lose?

Posted by Carol | September 30, 2008 12:23 PM

playing with his balls while he strokes it is pretty low-impact

Comment of the year.

Posted by Mike in MO | September 30, 2008 12:33 PM

" a Dr. Laura AND a Savage Love fan..."

What the fuck?

Posted by julia | September 30, 2008 12:40 PM

\sarcasm on
Well, frankly, as a woman I find the penis in vagina thing far less work then the rest of the lot. I mean if you aren't into it you just lie there and think of England or something.
\sarcasm off

Sex is fun, try and have more fun with it and stop looking at it as having to stick tab a into slot b x times a week.

Posted by PopTart | September 30, 2008 12:41 PM

I think it is totally individual preference in terms of what women like to do when they're not in the mood. Personally, even though it's not technically any "work" for me to have him "put his face in my tits or crotch" while wanking off, I would not be into that at all. I'd much rather do the "cheerful blowjob" thing.

Posted by Julie in Chicago | September 30, 2008 12:47 PM

what about when your bf doesn't want sex? using toys doesn't always cut it and as a women i could have sex when i'm not in the mood but if my bf can't keep it hard i'm up a creek without a paddle. how do you fix that? i really want this to work and i love him but i'm sooo frustrated! !

Posted by not gettin' any in orlando | September 30, 2008 1:26 PM

I have often wondered if women get the fact that men produce sperm in quantity and it needs, yes needs, a release. Yes, women have the need for satifaction, but they don't have the need to blow a load. It is extremeley compelling for men. Blue balls, the feeling that your sac is brimming with jizz, is real. The comparison to a cow is apt. Cows need, yes need, to be milked and will often make a loud ruckus because of their discomfort. I'm guessing some young women don't understand that. If you turn your back on the physical needs of you BF, he may go elsewhere.

Posted by Vince | September 30, 2008 1:29 PM

@1 and @3

You're doing sex wrong.

Posted by sepiolida | September 30, 2008 1:35 PM

I'd much rather do the "cheerful blowjob" thing

That is the hottest thing you've ever written.

Posted by Mike in MO | September 30, 2008 1:47 PM

The girl that puts no effort into sex. We had a joke about this a long time ago especially with respect to one girl with ISUES.

She slept around a LOT but was apparently the worst lay ever. The equivelent of a sponge with glycerine dead fish type lay ....

Posted by formerly OR Matt | September 30, 2008 1:59 PM

I don't understand why she doesn't just get up there and dance around the pole like she's getting paid to do. My mortgage ain't going to pay itself.

Posted by Fnarf | September 30, 2008 2:13 PM

@13 i only work it if it's worth it. being used as a masturbatory tool... so not worth it.

Posted by whomsRU | September 30, 2008 2:16 PM

@10: oh, julie, how i wish you were in seattle.

Posted by max solomon | September 30, 2008 3:10 PM

This is so damn frustrating. I know how to fix this! In fact, frequently it's the men who end up complaining that their wives and girlfriends want it too much.

Posted by Marrena Lindberg | October 1, 2008 8:35 AM

@1 and @3, you totally don't get it. I'm with the first letter writer, in that when I'm not into sex I really don't want anyone touching my "private parts". It's actively unpleasant. But I love my husband, and giving him a hand job or a blow job is sort of nice; it's intimate and warm without invading my person. It's something I CAN do cheerfully, even when I'm not horny. He doesn't like it as much as real sex, but it's a lot better (for him) than nothing, or getting off on his own.

I SO wish someone had given us this advice 20 years ago. We eventually figured it out on our own, but not until after years of sexual strife.

Posted by sandra | October 1, 2008 4:45 PM

Regarding the guy who wants sex 4x/wk, and girlfriend who wants it about 1x;

What would your response have been if the issue had been the guy wants sex 2-3 times a day? The same thing?

At what point can she just say 'no thanks, not interested'?

If the guy wants sex 2-3 times a day, she should just do all the things you listed 2-3 times a day?!?!

Why do his needs and wants surpass hers?

I know you're a sex advice columnist, but what if she wanted him to go to the ballet with her 4 times a week? Should he go even if he's not interested, because they're in a relationship?

Posted by Mary | October 3, 2008 4:46 PM

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