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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

O, The Humanity!

posted by on August 13 at 20:41 PM

Hello from Portland!


Portland is magical place where you can sit with your brother outside a cafe in public park and enjoy your beers—responsibly!—without a moat and two fences separating you and your filthy beer from the impressionable children—think of the children!—splashing around in a wading pool just yards away. In Washington state, of course, the Liquor Control Board is ever vigilant about keeping children far from adults enjoying their despicable alcoholic beverages.

We live in a bullshit state.

But, hey, you can still smoke in bars down here—for a few more months—which totally blows. And you can have dinner at Clyde Commons, which totally rocks. (Mmm… pork belly…) But, on the other hand, you can go to a strip club and ogle naked ladies with a drink in your hand to accompany/numb with the lump in your pants. (Just in theory—we’re not going to any strip clubs. Hi, Colleen!) So there are, you know, trade offs.

Okay—off to Powell’s to pick up a copy of Robert Fagles new translation of Virgil’s Aeneid. And how gay is that? “Pretty damn gay,” says my brother, but how would he know? Breeder!

RSS icon Comments


Dan, I walk around Capitol Hill smoking weed and drinking beer all of the fucking time. Just because laws are there doesn't mean they actually matter. Just yesterday I walked from Broadway to 24hr Fitness chugging a PBR. Nobody gives a shit.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 13, 2008 9:05 PM

While at Powell's, pick up a copy of Pokin' Round the Gorge by Scott Cook. For research purposes, of course.

Posted by Explorer | August 13, 2008 9:06 PM

WTF is wrong with Gmail?! Fuck!

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 13, 2008 9:09 PM

mary's - burritos and boobs.

Posted by holz | August 13, 2008 9:14 PM

@1 I am not sure emulating the homeless is really the sort of thing Dan is talking about.

Posted by Giffy | August 13, 2008 9:17 PM

I do it with style. You have a 10% chance of running into me without dress shirt/pants/tie on. Really.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 13, 2008 9:34 PM

I'd say even a 10% chance of running into you with pants is far to much.

Posted by Giffy | August 13, 2008 9:36 PM

Is that a Blue Moon you're drinking?

Posted by berselius | August 13, 2008 9:42 PM

Lose the lemon.

Posted by fucking girl | August 13, 2008 9:51 PM

It a Hef.

Posted by Dan Savage | August 13, 2008 10:00 PM

do something about all the stuff you hate about seattle or move. why stay and be miserable?

Posted by dept of tourism | August 13, 2008 10:03 PM

Who needs a new translation of the Aeneid when you have old videos of the Opera version:

Posted by kinaidos | August 13, 2008 10:09 PM

Portland sounds great. If only there weren't that thing, you know, preventing people from moving from Seattle to Portland.

Posted by joykiller | August 13, 2008 10:18 PM

Put it in a hydration pack. You can fit a whole blender of margarita in there:)

Posted by DJSauvage | August 13, 2008 10:31 PM

that picture makes me... thirsty. Hey here's an interesting reaction of Dan on This American Life...from a very stoned person.

Posted by Danny Schade | August 13, 2008 10:43 PM

Ah Portland - where you can have a boner AND a beer! It's only a short train ride away (and if you play your cards right, you can sometimes get lucky on the train. Not that I would know anything about that)

I want to go to Portland! But I have to go north this weekend. The Colonel and I are going to view the dams on the Skagit.

Posted by Catalina Vel-DuRay | August 13, 2008 10:48 PM

We were in Portland recently and noticed some good things. Maybe Fnarf should move there and terrorize the Mercury instead of the Slog.

Posted by Fnarf | August 13, 2008 10:51 PM


Posted by Bellevue Ave | August 13, 2008 11:03 PM

Oh Man-check out the photos at the NY Times website; what a treasure trove to make snarky comments about: villagers are being maimed and killed and fleeing for their lives in Georgia. Give 'er hell Hipsters. Let the snark fly. Show us nothing is sacred to a slogger. Heil Dan Savage!

Posted by McCain | August 13, 2008 11:10 PM

Well, I would move to Portland... if it weren't for my job, and the fact that my partner doesn't want to move to Portland, or my kid. Otherwise, nothing's holding me back!

Posted by Dan Savage | August 13, 2008 11:12 PM

@1 A PBR you say. You are so fucking hip! Got a neck tat do ya? If not Why not? Nose ring? Ear plugs? Seperate yourself from the mainstream-get some tats and piercings-no one else does that stuff.

Posted by too hip to be cool | August 13, 2008 11:12 PM

Oh Mr Poe! I do love you so! You are so fucking hip!

Posted by Fnarf | August 13, 2008 11:14 PM

Oh Dan! I swoon over your travel writing. Please come back soon and tell me how to live. Tell me what to think. Tell me what is funny. Tell me what is cool. Tell me you love me.

Posted by Josh | August 13, 2008 11:16 PM

I am very, very hip. I read Slog.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 13, 2008 11:56 PM

And which gas guzzling method of transportation did you take to get down to Portland, hmmmm?

I thought we were supposed to be rethinking the American way of vacationing?

Posted by TheMisanthrope | August 14, 2008 12:09 AM

Here we go again. Comment 22 is not by me. Though I do love Mr. Poe, like a favorite tie.

Posted by Fnarf | August 14, 2008 12:11 AM

Yesh Poe is a cutie. Whats wrong with emulating the homeless?

Posted by Amelia | August 14, 2008 12:24 AM

Sock-puppetry is really annoying. Why can't people just pull some bogus name out of their ass like I do?

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 14, 2008 12:25 AM

Oh I don't know, they always forget (or don't care enough) to add the link so it doesn't really count.

Posted by Amelia | August 14, 2008 12:29 AM

If Colleen is Chicago Fan's wife, I would have doubts that she is worried that her husband's gay brother was taking him to strip clubs in a city he doesn't live in.

But then, that gay brother is Dan Savage and it might be a legitimate concern.

Posted by PdxRitchie | August 14, 2008 12:53 AM

come on, Mandelbaum's translation is so much better. er.

/lit nerd.

Posted by Harker | August 14, 2008 1:24 AM

Dan, will you please go HERE, Counter Media Books, around the corner from Powells, and giggle at all the *brilliant* and frickin' beautiful retro-porn magazines... it's a museum of XXX print publishing. Just don't giggle too loud. They get mad. Don't let 'em get mad. And tell them about HUMP!

Posted by KELLY O | August 14, 2008 1:27 AM

I. Can't. Sleep.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 14, 2008 2:33 AM

It's not that late...

Posted by Amelia | August 14, 2008 2:57 AM

The classics are gay?

Posted by Trevor | August 14, 2008 6:35 AM

Speaking of Powells and Portland: Powells has these great eco bags for only 99 cents! As in less than one damn dollar! They are perfect for you Seattle people who can no longer use plastic bags for shopping. I bought ten of them for $9.90 and my family has started using them for groceries and other things. They are totally cute with a little squirrel on them and they are really super sturdy too! You'd never guess they only cost 99 cents! Just go to and look for the souvenir shop. They make great grocery bags but also are sturdy enough to carry books or whatever else you need to tote around. If you are a poor college student and you have to move your meager belongings, just shove your stuff in these bags and you'll be good to go! And, no, I don't work for Powells. heh. :)

Posted by Kristin Bell | August 14, 2008 6:37 AM

We live in a bullshit state.

The great thing about our country is every state (and I've lived in six of them) has its own distinctive bullshit.

Posted by jmr | August 14, 2008 6:59 AM

what is oregons bullshit? I didnt realize the nutso teetotaler streak washington has as I was 19 when I moved here.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | August 14, 2008 7:17 AM

In L.A., one place to drink outdoors that can be nice is at the ballpark. But if you live in Seattle I hear kissing your GF can get you kicked out, so maybe that's not such a great hangout.

As someone who lives in a city where visible smog hangs over our heads 24-7, the fear of second-hand cigarette smoke strikes me as a questionable preoccupation - and at least cigarettes make people feel good.

Posted by Jake | August 14, 2008 7:25 AM

okay, the pumping gas thing is bullshit.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | August 14, 2008 7:31 AM

Portland also has real-time GPS cell phone bus tracking, which is a pretty sweet way to see how long you have to wait for the next bus.

Posted by DOUG. | August 14, 2008 7:36 AM

@1, that outfit is just saving the undertaker a step, Poe. You're always thinking ahead...

Posted by Jubilation T. Cornball | August 14, 2008 7:40 AM

When all those kids grow up to be alcoholics you'll be sorry

Posted by Chris | August 14, 2008 7:44 AM

Good Morning Dan,
I agree with you regarding the stringent alcohol restrictions here in Washington State. The distribution of beer, spirits and wine need to go private. The problem is that the state gets heaps of revenue. It's been that way for awhile. Evidently, taverns in this state had to at one time, prevent children from watching adults drinking. That's the reason why some taverns didn't have windows or their outside walls were so high so as to prevent children from peering in. I recall hearing that Blue Moon Tavern in Seattle was exactly one mile from the entry of UW. Authorities didn't want drinking establishments within one mile of the University.

And, I think the fences are ridiculous. There's no reason why a child shouldn't see an adult drinking an alcoholic beverage. He could learn a few things. Like how to "drink".

Posted by lark | August 14, 2008 7:53 AM

Btw, I respect the desire to be hip more than I respect the desire to police other people's desire to be hip.

Posted by Jake | August 14, 2008 8:14 AM

I think when your brother is Dan Savage, you get to claim some knowledge of the Gay.

Posted by violet_dagrinder | August 14, 2008 8:50 AM


Nicely put, sir.

Posted by violet_dagrinder | August 14, 2008 8:52 AM

Why do you have to bring your children EVERYWHERE? Why can there not be one place where I don't have to be bothered by them...I don't like children and don't want to be around them. Is it to much to ask that I can one place where I can have a drink and not have to be exposed to them?

Posted by Hater | August 14, 2008 9:11 AM

Oh, this bullshit state, which provides you the economy to run your paper and amass a small personal fortune from being a smart ass (but a very smart, ass, in your defense!!)

Put up or shut up, foo

Posted by Non | August 14, 2008 9:12 AM

the acropolis in portland: Best strip club ever.

Strip club/steakhouse.

You can drink beer, watch nude women, and get fillet mignon at the same time.

Posted by boynamedsue | August 14, 2008 9:29 AM

So, can you not drink a beer in a park (legally) in Seattle? Pretty sure I've done just that. And on a fishing pier which is like a park with hooks and bait. So why can't you drink a beer in Volunteer Park by the wading pool? I need to test this out. God help me if I drop my child trying not to spill my beer.

Posted by jseattle | August 14, 2008 9:53 AM


Nope - not in a City of Seattle park. You can drink in State parks such as Lake Sammamish Park, though (on the Eastside even - oh, the irony!)

Posted by Mr. X | August 14, 2008 10:05 AM


We have that too:


As I recall:

- State Income Tax
- Can't pump your own gas
- Hippies - REAL hippies, like, burnt-out, still living in the late '60's, bell-bottom & tie-dye wearing, acid-flashback having, Grateful Dead worshiping hippies

Otherwise, it's really not so bad.

Posted by COMTE | August 14, 2008 10:12 AM

Every state does have its own distinctive brand of bullshit. I mostly dislike the Washington Soviet Socialist Liquor Control Board, but I do appreciate wine in grocery stores, which is more than some states have. Before Seattle, I lived in Minneapolis, where you had to go to a liquor store to get wine. However, they were FANTASTIC private liquor stores. Imagine a QFC, then replace the canned goods with vodka, the meat counter with whiskey, and the produce with rum. The gourmet cheeses stay. And then imagine free samples in every aisle! But you can't buy wine in the grocery store.

Posted by Andy | August 14, 2008 10:47 AM

Minnesota Good: no sales tax, progressive politics, adorably accented people, crisp air, lots of arts opportunites, Skywalks

Minnesota Bad: fucking cold...fucking hot and muggy in summer...poor attention to nose hair trimming...early bar closing...did I mention the cold?

Posted by michael strangeways | August 14, 2008 11:10 AM

I mostly dislike the Washington Soviet Socialist Liquor Control Board, but I do appreciate wine in grocery stores, which is more than some states have. Before Seattle, I lived in Minneapolis, where you had to go to a liquor store to get wine.

I grew up in New Jersey, where beer and wine and anything stronger than cooking sherry is only available in liquor stores (or in package goods section of a bar, etc). I assumed it was that way everywhere - the first time I left the state and saw beer in a 7-Eleven I was SHOCKED.

Posted by jmr | August 14, 2008 11:43 AM


Nicely put, sir.

Posted by violet_dagrinder | August 14, 2008 12:00 PM

Hey remember that post Dan put up about the fat woman who rolled over in her sleep onto a baby and killed it. Gawd-I'm still laughing. Someone mentioned how horrible it must be for that women to have killed that child. Dan of course has the right attitude about the incident. Who gives a fuck about that woman and kid. We sloggers have been amused-now let's move on to the next big thing.

Posted by Dans biggest fan | August 14, 2008 12:38 PM

Dan, did you go by Countermedia? Oh please favor me with a personal response. It will up my Slog cred a good deal and it would be so very generous of you.

Then I could laugh at the likes of Mr Poe and Fnarf and the other basement dwellers who frequent the Slog.

Posted by Kelly O | August 14, 2008 12:50 PM

COMTE @53: Does that work via phone? Looks like it's purely online.

Posted by DOUG. | August 14, 2008 1:08 PM


We'd rather not moderate your comments, but off-topic, gratuitously inflammatory, threatening, or otherwise inappropriate remarks may be removed, and repeat offenders may be banned from commenting. We never censor comments based on ideology. Thanks to all who add to the conversation on Slog.

Posted by Pit Bull Dan | August 14, 2008 1:43 PM


Works just fine on my Moto Q9, but I have to use a web browser to access it.

Say what? Doesn't EVERYBODY's phone have a web browser these days?

Freakin' Luddites.

Posted by COMTE | August 14, 2008 2:46 PM

I saw you at Jamison Square, MR. Dan Savage. I was there with my young son, who you stopped from running into the coffee shop/ice cream store. I wanted to tell you how much I admire you and your column, but I didn't want to bother you. Anyway, I admire you and your column! And you're on my list of celebrity type people who should be my friends! Especially now that I know that you are really nice and unassuming guy.

Posted by lisa kipp | August 16, 2008 10:50 AM

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