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Monday, August 11, 2008

Mr. Poe Prays to Crist, Charlie Crist

posted by on August 11 at 14:31 PM

This post is by regular Slog commenter Mr. Poe. The opinions expressed in this commentary do not necessarily represent the views of Index Newspapers, The Stranger, Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, Cupcake Royale, or any of their subsidiaries.

Glory be to the Republican Father, to the Governor of the Holy…Florida. As it was in the beginning is now and ever shall be, world without end, Amen. Or something. But seriously, we need to talk. It just feels like there are so many things that haven’t been said that should, like “why are you praying to me” and “do I need to get a restraining order”. No, you do not need a restraining order. I spent two years of my “life” in Florida, and have vowed never to return. Since then I have returned, but that’s not important because it never happened. As for the prayer, you’ll soon notice that I’m not actually praying to you. This is more like a letter. A letter addressed as a prayer, if you will. Truth be told, I couldn’t think of a clever headline so I settled with the first thing that came to mind. Actually I didn’t even try to think of a new one. I figured it best to go with the only thing I thought of since I have a hard time finishing anything I st.

Let’s begin with something obvious. You are ridiculously hot. Your looks are so grand they managed to surpass all of your sexified competition: Anderson Cooper, Scooter Libby, (Mayor) Adam West. Anderson Cooper! How the fuck did you do that? You are officially more intriguing than Anderson Cooper. Congratulations. Don’t get me wrong, I obsessed about Coop as much as the next fatherfucker, but that obsession ended a long time ago (Tuesday). Even though you’re Republican, “straight”, part of a fraternity and kind of a gigantic douchebag, I love you. I love everything about you. I mean, just look at you:


Awww… I’m smiling too. You seem to be fighting yours, but why? Is it because you have a secret? A big, juicy, Grade A secret? Maybe you just need to poop. Whatever the reason, it’s adorable. We have so much in common. I don’t have any humble qualities either. You should know that although I’m retardedly liberal, I see your side and I totally dig it. Matter of fact, you seem to hold solid stances on everything save homosexuality. I can deal with that, and I’ll soon explain why. We’re both well aware that it’s possible for an openly gay Democrat to mingle with a closeted Republican.


Uh oh… was it something I said? I’m sorry. You’re not gay. You’re not bi. You’re not in the closet. You’ve simply been waiting decades for that special woman. Apparently you’ve found her. Forgive me. Please, sit down. I’ve apologized, all is well, let’s not let this petty quarrel stop me from continuing.


That’s better. Now let me level with you. As a liberal, I acknowledge that a majority of the problems we’re trying to fix were caused by us in the first place—”change” we call it, and its change you fear. But dude, change is good. For example, one minute you’re duping some poor old hag into marrying you for an image and the next thing you know, a 22-year-old twink is feeding you grapes and tossing your salad. Only I would never toss your salad. Get a good dose of that from the poor old hag before we run to the next base. For a cheap laugh, fart in her face. She’ll love it. Don’t you think?


Believe it or not, I’m fine with your position on gay marriage. My people of the left dream of a life without guns, billion dollar corporations, cars, plastic bags, church, meat, responsibility, accountability, the ability to smoke anywhere outside Kansas—why not ban marriage all together? I know you feel pressure to express how much you think marriage actually matters, but it doesn’t really work for you. Your first marriage was a practical joke, you’ve never had kids and…wait, what have you been doing for the last 23 years? Pussy, they hope. Mmm…pussy. I will say one thing, even though you’re firm on preventing gays from adopting, you do go out of your way to show that you care about kids, which is another thing we have in common. I often pretend like I do too.


Yeah, gays are promiscuous. Shit, just the other day I tripped on a rock and cheated on my boyfriend twenty times in the process. We know we’re going to hell, but the tickets are free and it’s really the only venue hosting anything worth a damn. If you think a copy of Animal House or Fraternity Vacation will be waiting for you in heaven…think again. Do you really want streets paved of gold? How entertaining would it be to see a lion lay down with a lamb? What’s the point of sustaining existence if you only exist to worship your creator? Why isn’t His Kingdom ready? What’s taking Him so goddamn long? I’ll tell you what’s taking Him so long. He’s waiting for us. You. Me. He’s waiting for us to join forces. Partners in crime. Warriors of virtue. Can’t you see how glorious this could be?


I want to explore the wilderness with you. We can bait bears together! Or we could sit in a tree for six hours, in the rain, waiting to murder some lonely animal aimlessly searching for shelter. “Don’t,” you’ll say. “That’s a mother.”
“Not anymore she ain’t!”
As the cloud of our beloved second amendment settles and we prepare to dedicate our kill to the Lord, it is discovered that we have not one, but two gifts to anoint. “Oh no, Mr. Poe,” you’d gasp. “You shot her fawn.”
“Three point!” I’ll yell. “Fuckin’ bitches!”
When we’re finished with our Xum Chodesh—a custom consecrated by defecation—we’ll trot off with glee, leaving our epic manliness behind for all the critters to eat. We might even chop some wood for good measure. Like a scene that should be in a movie, Gilbert O’Sullivan is following, singing Ooh-wakka-doo-wakka-day.


Now Imagine the physical bond we could share. I’d let you choke me with your hands and your ham, maybe even your feet. You could even tie me up. I’d prefer it if we made out longer, but you’ll be in a rush. Like most Republicans, you’d probably blow your unprotected load inside me and then laugh about it to let me know. It’ll be so gosh darn cute I’ll quickly arrive, and then we’ll joke about HIV with some textbook hi-fives. As restroom wall talk ensues, things will finally get personal. I’ll be fresh ask you how many chicks you date raped in college. You’ll say, “Oh fuck, I don’t remember.” After an awkward silence, you’ll ask me what my Scrabble-cube N.O.W. tattoo means. I’ll lighten the mood and say “National Organization for Women,” quickly following with “Just kidding. No Opportunity for Women!” We’ll laugh until someone enters the bathroom, promptly forcing our giggles into silent smirks while we wait for their exit. You may even ask me to read you a page or two from my diary. I’ll tell you I don’t have one. I’m not that gay. Oh Clarissa, it would be so beautiful.

Aaaaaaanyway, let us part on a serious note. I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, or closeted. That’s your choice, and ‘go you’ for making it. But if you care about marriage as much as you say you do, please don’t follow through with this blatantly rushed, selfish and dumb engagement to some stupid bitch you barely know for a presidential election you have a whopping 20.3% chance of winning. Idiot.

If I’m wrong about Ms. Comb or whatever, at least you bagged yourself a classy lady.


…uh, I think.

RSS icon Comments


Who typed 'slut' on her dress in that last pic? Chaz, is that you sock puppeting again?

Posted by left coast | August 11, 2008 2:37 PM

Is Poe the new guest Slogger? That would be charming!

Posted by it'smarkmitchell | August 11, 2008 2:41 PM

Mr. Poe, your writing style is a crazy soup of William S. Burroughs, Adrian Ryan and JoAnne Worley.

I'm still trying to figure out if I just read that or dreamed it.

Anyway, call me. I think I could be of help.

Posted by Maxwell Perkins | August 11, 2008 2:42 PM

I'm speechless. And maybe just a little in love with Ms. Red Leather Jacket all over again.

Posted by Fnarf | August 11, 2008 2:45 PM

Your love may be sick and forbidden, Poe, but I think it's beautiful. One day, I hope you are able to look up between your lifted legs and see that leathery spindle of a body with its light drift of snowy chest hair bouncing against you like a screen door in the face of a hurricane.

Dreams do come true, Mr. Poe. I'm praying for yours to...

Posted by Jubilation T. Cornball | August 11, 2008 2:45 PM

That was charming. And amusing. And descriptive to the point of creating a series of very detailed mental images in my head. Well done, Poe.

Posted by Hernandez | August 11, 2008 2:53 PM

you think that guy is hot?

Posted by taste? | August 11, 2008 2:54 PM

@6, "...creating a series of very detailed mental images in my head."

Acid does that, too, herny, but it's not nearly as charming as our little gerontophile.

Posted by Jubilation T. Cornball | August 11, 2008 2:56 PM

Mr. Poe is gay?

Posted by Ziggity | August 11, 2008 2:57 PM

Oh, Poe. Now we need a scheme to get you two crazy kids together...

Posted by Abby | August 11, 2008 3:00 PM

Actually, the views expressed do represent those of Ruth's Chris Steak House.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | August 11, 2008 3:02 PM

What we need is a ventilation shaft, a corridor, Sigourney Weaver and a fuckload of aliens. Word.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 11, 2008 3:02 PM

I want Mr. Poe. Bad.

Posted by Margaret Yang | August 11, 2008 3:05 PM

Well done Mr. Poe, well done.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | August 11, 2008 3:09 PM

aaahhh, you tripped on a rock? are you okay babiez?

Posted by Le Juif | August 11, 2008 3:11 PM

I'm fucking dead. Now you'll have to pray to Crist.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 11, 2008 3:13 PM

wow, 100% lame

Posted by lurker | August 11, 2008 3:22 PM

Damn, that man has some nasty-looking neckwear.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | August 11, 2008 3:22 PM

I'm speechless.

Posted by James | August 11, 2008 3:25 PM

@3: It was almost as gay as Naked Lunch.

Posted by Original Monique | August 11, 2008 3:41 PM

The fact that this paper employs more than half of the writers that it does, and NOT this guy is something I'd take a reeeeaaal long look at if I were in a position of power at said paper. Like, stat.

Posted by And I bet he doesn't even have a degree - how 'bout that? | August 11, 2008 3:43 PM

Mr Poe: The Comeback Tour...

Posted by michael strangeways | August 11, 2008 3:44 PM

@21, I don't think they could afford him, frankly.

Posted by Jubilation T. Cornball | August 11, 2008 3:58 PM

@21, they employ lindy west freelance which this is similar to.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | August 11, 2008 4:01 PM

Tim Keck hates Mr. Poe.

Posted by source | August 11, 2008 4:02 PM

We won't support spine-less NO-Bama and will re-defeat him in November. Go Hillary 2012!!!

Posted by clintonsarmy | August 11, 2008 4:02 PM

Awww, the spam-bot got confused.

Posted by Abby | August 11, 2008 4:06 PM

We won't support spine-less POE-Bama and will re-defeat him in November. Go Hillary 2012!!!

Posted by clintonsarmy | August 11, 2008 4:07 PM

Good going, Mister Poe!

You just made Wonkette, as well...

Posted by NapoleonXIV | August 11, 2008 4:09 PM

@16 You're dead? Sniff. I never got to say goodbye. My mother would roll over in her grave if I started praying to Crist. Say hi to her for me.

Posted by Le Juif | August 11, 2008 4:12 PM

Sweet! Wonkette - now that's real blogging ...

I should say that Mr. Poe has a far better chance of being found out in a compromising position with a closeted Republican incumbent than he does with most Dems.

Not that there aren't any, mind you, but they seem to attract more closeted self-hating gays, whereas the ones on the Dem side are usually not so closeted.

And, after all, if you can't have a nice oak-appointed closet - or at least a comfortable nook with leather upholstery - it just takes half the fun out of it ...

Posted by Will in Seattle | August 11, 2008 4:14 PM

lmao, I love how poe shows up to dismiss his work unworthy of being talked about...

Posted by Bellevue Ave | August 11, 2008 4:27 PM

Poe is much better as a commenter. He wishes he could hold Adrian Ryan's jock strap.

Posted by Mike in MO | August 11, 2008 4:31 PM

That'll do, pig.

Posted by Governor Hoggett | August 11, 2008 4:32 PM


And you wish you could attend a Slog Happy.


Posted by Mr. Poe | August 11, 2008 4:52 PM

Mr. Poe, you take mummy Republican stalking to new heights with this post. I've dashed my martini glass against the wall in your honor, sir.

Le Juif, I'm here for you if you need any comfort during your time of mourning for Mr. Poe. I can't believe he was felled by a rock.

Posted by PopTart | August 11, 2008 5:16 PM

Unfunny. Desperately flailing. Trying to hard. Stick with the brief vulgar comments gig. You don't have the skill set to bust much beyond a paragraph.

Posted by Bob | August 11, 2008 5:45 PM


Posted by ellarosa | August 11, 2008 5:48 PM

Has there ever been a more obvious beard than the future Mrs. Crist?

Posted by Reverse Polarity | August 11, 2008 5:49 PM

Bob is insanely jealous

Posted by the facts of life | August 11, 2008 6:15 PM

Bob is insanely jealous

Posted by the facts of life | August 11, 2008 6:20 PM

Mr Poe who?

Posted by Sargon Bighorn | August 11, 2008 6:39 PM

@ 35: touche, douche bag.

Posted by Mike in MO | August 11, 2008 6:42 PM

duck you not k

Posted by Ftidvcgzuuvguvgfrfuu | August 11, 2008 7:11 PM

mike in loserville

Posted by Dick duck | August 11, 2008 7:15 PM

I'm guessing poe is well acquainted with the similar reptile from Mad Men? He's like a sleestak.

Posted by paulus | August 11, 2008 8:50 PM

Wow. I think I just had an acid flashback. Nice work.

And for my money, Dave Reichert puts Crist to shame. Plus, the fact that he's a neocon robocop asshole makes me want to ride him hard.

Posted by rb | August 11, 2008 9:08 PM
Posted by NapoleonXIV | August 11, 2008 11:08 PM

This was stunning.

Posted by Aislinn | August 12, 2008 12:34 AM

Mr. Poe can be funny and eloquent. I am really shocked.

I like the coherence. Keep it up.

Posted by clearlyhere | August 12, 2008 8:10 AM


Posted by Greg | August 12, 2008 9:56 AM

Tasteless. Just. Tasteless.

Posted by Welcome to Slog, The Strangers blog | August 13, 2008 6:51 PM

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