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Thursday, June 5, 2008

Water Colors

posted by on June 5 at 12:26 PM

Did you ever eat a bunch of beets, forgot you ate a bunch of beets, then took a piss and thought, “Oh my God, I’m dying—or having my first period! Or something else that’s really, really bad!” It’s happened to me. It just happened to me. It happens to me almost every time I eat beets. Must stop eating beets.

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I love beets. Beets taste like soil only good.

Posted by D. | June 5, 2008 12:40 PM

Dan, your "Breaking News" beet pee is exactly why I read the SLOG at work. It makes my little cubicle-dwelling life a little brighter! Unfortunately, I've never eaten enough beets to be able to identify. Mistaking asparagus stank piss for some unholy form of twat rot is as close as I get!

Posted by schnoodle | June 5, 2008 12:43 PM

great question for Ask Science.

I mean how ds that stuff get into your blood stream and then back out seemingly intact.

I mean, when I eat beets does my blood turn that incredible magenta hue?? Would folks freak out if I began gushing fuschia colored blood?

Posted by ho' know | June 5, 2008 12:44 PM

It can happen to your poop too.

Posted by Andrew | June 5, 2008 12:48 PM


That my friend is the reason for the universal appeal of chocolate. dirt, that tastes good. think about it.

Posted by ho' know | June 5, 2008 12:50 PM

What Andrew said. Watch the swirls of purple in the bowl around your poo!

Posted by Tlazolteotl | June 5, 2008 12:55 PM

If you ever get a bladder infection and have to take meds for it, you will find that those medications turn your pee a beautiful shade of fluorescent orange! The exact same shade as an orange highlighter.

Posted by DanFan | June 5, 2008 12:58 PM

You're just not eating the right kind of beets, Dan.

Posted by COMTE | June 5, 2008 1:00 PM

What Andrew said. Beets are one of my favorite foods (roasted in foil nestled amongst the coals, oh Jesus), but they never affect my pee. Dan's right, though; every time I catch a peek of my sit-down efforts, I think "oh my god, I've lost my bowel, I have but seconds to live" until I remember "beets".

Posted by Fnarf | June 5, 2008 1:02 PM

Dear Science. we must have an answer!!!

(duh, I think we know how that pooh shit happens - it's fuckin tube dudes. But in and out osmotically through your bloodstream - that's wack shit.)

Posted by ho' know | June 5, 2008 1:02 PM

What COMTE said; plus, golden beets are less likely to stain those summer whites.

Also, I think the asparagus / beet pee thing is genetic. ...although I could be mistaken.

Posted by BWA | June 5, 2008 1:07 PM

I had a similar psycological trauma, but out the poop end, due to red velvet cake. I got one for my birthday and just about ate the whole thing in one sitting. It has about a gallon of red die in it and when i excused myself from the dinner table later that evening to "make a penny" as they say in England, the result was like something out of a horror movie. I was actually consulting with a friend (poor bastard) about what to do (call 911?) when he reminded me what i had eaten ealier in the day. sweeeeet relief! To this day i considder this experience to be the true test of any really good red velvet cake.

Posted by longball | June 5, 2008 1:09 PM

What COMTE said; plus, golden beets are less likely to stain those summer whites.

Also, I think the asparagus / beet pee thing is genetic. ...although I could be mistaken.

Posted by BWA | June 5, 2008 1:12 PM

Seconding Fnarf. Never had beets affect #1.

Posted by Levislade | June 5, 2008 1:12 PM

you eat beets? Red piss is the least of your worries. Fucking gross.

Posted by Mike in MO | June 5, 2008 1:12 PM

My lifelong fear of bleeding out the ass and/or penis precludes me from ever eating beets. Yes, I know I'm missing out, but I am the type that would forget I ate beets and have an embarrassing bathroom freak out.

Posted by Hernandez | June 5, 2008 1:22 PM

@16, it's not embarrassing unless you call other people in to look at it.

@12, I believe the expression is "spend a penny". Eating food is the "make (or 'earn') a penny" part.

Posted by Fnarf | June 5, 2008 1:31 PM

Huh. I've never had that problem with beets. Though I do get asparagus/coffee pee something fierce. And I used to take a multi-vitamin that made my pee highlighter yellow.

I was just talking with a friend who just had a baby and she was telling stories about how babies who are fed formula can have poops that are crazy colors (e.g., turquoise). Now that's some crazy shit.

Posted by Julie | June 5, 2008 1:34 PM

For some reason, that happens less (to me) when I eat them raw.

Plus, they taste better that way.

Posted by violet_dagrinder | June 5, 2008 1:34 PM

Hernandez, you would have hated to be me about two years ago in India. After a few weeks of no issues, hubris induced me to start eating dairy (I couldn't say no to a lassi), and then bad things happened. Bad things that involving spending some very bloody pennies.

Posted by Julie | June 5, 2008 1:40 PM

@17 - It would be embarrassing when everyone within 50 feet of the bathroom hears me scream, "What the hell is wrong with my piss?!"

Posted by Hernandez | June 5, 2008 1:40 PM

Derp, Thanks fnarf. I was definately SPENDING a penny.

Posted by longball | June 5, 2008 1:40 PM

This thread is "Chelsea Alvarez-Bell" level bad...

Posted by michael strangeways | June 5, 2008 1:56 PM

On a (presumably) less gross note:

Hey, Dan! You're inciting stuff on CNN:

Posted by Kat | June 5, 2008 1:59 PM

The more often you eat them the more you get used to and over the OMG, so eat more.

Posted by inkweary | June 5, 2008 2:01 PM

wait till you get the piles, then you won't whinge about beets any more.

Posted by max solomon | June 5, 2008 2:10 PM

Speaking of sit-down efforts, beets are far superior choice to something like, say, a big bag of Doritos. Sitting down after that is like blowing out your jewelry tumbler, where the 'polishing rocks' look a lot more like a rat got into a sack of sesame seeds.

Posted by Lloyd Clydesdale | June 5, 2008 2:48 PM

What, no down-front (as opposed to up-skirt), after-the-jump, NSFW cell-phone pic into the urinal?

Posted by rob | June 5, 2008 3:27 PM

Thanks #24!

I saw the story on MSNBC (after I'd read SLOG) - I'm glad to see Dan is getting credit for bringing it out.

Have a feeling that when that adult man tries to explain to his family, the kids are gonna roll their eyes and say something like "Dad - you are so outta it."

Posted by Ayden | June 5, 2008 3:27 PM

Red Dogs - one of the first things dog people do when their red dogs are losing color is feed lots of beets!

Having black dogs, I generally try to avoid them. If you ever read dog food bags, you'll find that lots of foods contain beets. (Either they're healthy or they're cheap.)

Posted by Ayden | June 5, 2008 3:32 PM

I love beets and I do not know very many people who do.
I love these random posts that you do Dan it does make slog fun.

Posted by mj | June 5, 2008 3:34 PM


I think it's because for most of us our only real experiences with beets has been the clearly inedible "canned pickeled beets" variety.

Posted by COMTE | June 5, 2008 3:47 PM

Keep eating your beets, Dan. Just think of it as fun new way to tie-dye that spiffy T-shirt without having to get your hands wet.

Posted by Spoogie | June 5, 2008 3:51 PM

The worst is when you are a kid, and you go to a restaurant with a salad bar, and you pile onto your plate what you think are candied apples, only to take a huge bite and find out how wrong you were.

Posted by laterite | June 5, 2008 5:22 PM

Beet-pee tricked me into thinking my period had started when I was 10. I was elated. I put a pad in my underwear and ran to a friend's house (she was older) to share and talk about how to tell my mom. When my mom got home from work I summoned all my druthers and nervously, proudly, announced that I was a woman now. She was a little surprised, I was a little young, and she started asking questions. When I said the "blood" was in the toilet and not my underpants, she thought for a moment and then burst out laughing, telling me it was the beets, not my period. She laughed at me, and I was mortified. Crushed. It's been 14 years, and just now am I finally comfortable with discussing anything about my bodily functions with my mother.

Posted by Aislinn | June 5, 2008 6:32 PM

@4 - Ah, yes. I thought I had something horribly internally wrong with me for days the first time I had roast beets.

Now I know it's coming and can eat roast beets whenever I like. I swear, that's my favorite veg.

Posted by wench | June 5, 2008 7:26 PM

You are a big boy now. I guess it is time to go buy your first box of manpons.

Posted by Regulus | June 6, 2008 9:20 AM

I've never had beet-pee, but beet-poop is a whole different story.

I thought I was shitting out my intestines. That pupil-dilating moment of sheer panic, followed by the sudden realization of "Oh, its just the beets." is a very unique, if often repeated feeling.

Posted by Ryan | June 6, 2008 11:01 AM

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