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Monday, June 2, 2008

There’s More Leg Room Up Here in First Class…

posted by on June 2 at 10:00 AM

…but, still, it’s not all glamour, people.


My goodness. Non-dairy whipped topping? I have half a mind to write United Airlines a letter. A delay that turns my flight into a two-day ordeal is one thing. Non-dairy whipped topping is quite another.

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It's non-dairy to save the airlines money. Not everyone can do dairy, and you aren't paying for dairy when you book that ever-so deserved first class flight. You're paying asshole tax, leg room, on/off firstablez, and free booze.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 2, 2008 10:04 AM

hmmmm...Is the icecream non dairy? makes no sense. Maybe the Lactose Intolerant First Classers like some cream on their cocoa. Go see what the people in coach get on their ice cream and report back.

Posted by ZWBush | June 2, 2008 10:04 AM

I thought the ice cream was non-dairy as well. Dan, you should ask. It would be interesting if it isn't.

The reason you don't even see peanuts on planes all that much anymore is because it's dangerous to even open the bag (allegedly) if someone is allergic.

I recall one point where we were all told there was a little girl deathly allergic to peanuts, so we shouldn't eat them. Then they passed out the peanuts. Assholes.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 2, 2008 10:08 AM

How did it taste?

Posted by John | June 2, 2008 10:13 AM

It's for the vegans who would rather ingest all of the chemicals in the 'non-dairy product' rather than have real whipped cream which came from a cow's udder.

Posted by Lloyd Cooney | June 2, 2008 10:19 AM

How did it taste? I didn't have any.

Posted by Dan Savage | June 2, 2008 10:24 AM

Coincidently, I just saw a rerun of the Simpson's episode where Snake kidnaps and threatens Homer, leading Homer to wonder what "pistol whip" might taste like. Mmmmm, pistol whip!

Posted by saxfanatic | June 2, 2008 10:30 AM

First Class is all about the additional personal space and the free booze.

Posted by The Artist Formerly Known As Sigourney Beaver | June 2, 2008 10:32 AM

WAAA! My first class seat doesn't give me real whipped cream!

Posted by Mike in MO | June 2, 2008 10:42 AM

The ice cream in first class is usually the real thing. The can is probably for convenience, cost may be why it's the non-dairy stuff. The chocolate sauce is good, the caramel sauce is even better.

The best is when they bake chocolate chip cookies and serve them warm from the oven.

p.s. My sister used to work for United Airlines. In the old days (pre-9/11) family flew at a discount and almost always in first class because it was never full.

Posted by PopTart | June 2, 2008 10:42 AM

oh dear, i have the flu and im miserable, but i saw a commercial and now i'm craving pancakes. where do i get that aerosol pancake shit you loathe? its the only thing that will make me better.

Posted by um | June 2, 2008 10:53 AM

Dan didn't excite enough outrage last week with his "I'm flying unnecessarily" post, so he's upping the ante with a "I'm flying unnecessarily, First Class" post?

Posted by NapoleonXIV | June 2, 2008 10:58 AM

Most people would just turn to the person next to them and complain, but Dan doesn't like talk to the riff-raff (not in person anyway).

I took a red-eye in March on Delta where they didn't have any pillows. What a princess.

Posted by left coast | June 2, 2008 11:00 AM

How positively tragic! I hope you wrote an absolutely huffy letter to the CEO of the airline!

Posted by NapoleonXIV | June 2, 2008 11:06 AM

I got the impression Dan was in first class because he got bumped there, not because he paid for it.

Same thing happened to us returning from Ingerlund a few years back. Like a fool I stood there uncomprehending in the airport while the check-in clerk tried to explain to me "yes, you fool, click yes, click yes, before they give it to someone else!" "But these aren't the seats I reserved." "You idiot!" I got the idea finally. BA flat beds are pretty damn terrific. Our lives have been all downhill ever since.

Posted by Fnarf | June 2, 2008 11:11 AM

I never can tell what's sarcastic and who's in on the joke and who's not any more.

Posted by ? | June 2, 2008 11:54 AM

I am puzzled that this "non-dairy" whip is supposedly from Columbia Valley Farms. Are these soy bean farms? I dont get it. Shouldnt it be Columbia Valley Laboratories?

Posted by longball | June 2, 2008 12:09 PM

I'm sitting here trying to figure out the justification for the non-dairy topping. Originally I thought that perhaps it was a food safety issue. Then I thought it was a refrigeration issue (as opposed to a freezing issue), but the existence of ice cream trumps whatever reasoning I can divine.

My boycott of airlines continues. I'm spending the extra dough (on a sleeper) and time to travel on Amtrak down to LA for a few weeks. It takes 34 hours under perfect conditions (which never happen and even if the train runs a only a few hours late, I could get into LA after midnight), but I just can't stand the thought of getting to Sea-Tac, Sea-Tac itself, disrobing for the TSA, walking hundreds of yards with unchecked luggage, not being able to take personal hygiene liquids unless I aliquot into 3 ounce bottles, trying to find a seat at the gate away from unruly youngsters and people with colds, boarding the plane, looking for an overhead bin that isn't full (the ones above my seat always are), trying to squeeze my 6'1" frame into an area designed for someone 5'6", and vainly trying to get my arthritic lower back and middle-aged ass comfortable in a seat that is 17" wide for two to four hours.

And because my return date is uncertain, I have to buy a one-way ticket. Know what happens to you at security if you have a one-way ticket?

All aboard!

Posted by Bauhaus | June 2, 2008 12:21 PM

This entry was dumb the first time around. It still is dumb.

Posted by The Truth-Hurts | June 2, 2008 12:23 PM

Wise move, not eating it Dan. That non dairy stuff is just whipped and sweetened Crisco.

A friend recently brought over a store bought chocolate pie. First ingredient? Partially hydrogenated veggie oil. Mmmm. Crisco pie.

Posted by Balt-O-Matt | June 2, 2008 12:40 PM

@18, "aliquot" -- nice.

Posted by Fnarf | June 2, 2008 12:44 PM

Blah... it's not like whipped cream is a health food. They're about the same nutritionally, but with the dairy stuff you have to worry about lactose intolerance, more allergies, cholesterol, hormones, etc.

Non dairy whipped topping = Cool Whip, which is delicious.

Posted by poppy | June 2, 2008 1:06 PM

Ah, it's reassuring to have the Slog validate that the Age of Persnicketyness continues unabated.

As a member of the Silent [Eisenhower] Generation, neither I nor my friends ever heard of anyone dying from peanut allergies. If wheat- and/or lacto-intolerance existed, it wasn't on our Etch-a-Sketch.

This seems to prove that the more a society decays due to excessive navel-gazing, faux prosperity and privileged whininess, the more a society slips into an abyss of insignificance.

Ask your grandparents about these issues - but not rhetorically. Yes, there was the occasional neighborhood child who languished in an iron lung - and that was something to whine about. But I doubt that they had vegan issues.

Posted by RHETT ORACLE | June 2, 2008 1:13 PM

But you could use the can as a flotation device, or to thwart terrorists!

Posted by michael strangeways | June 2, 2008 1:29 PM

Surely the male flight attendant there was cute enough to post in full?

Posted by Simac | June 2, 2008 1:37 PM

@23 the main reason we used to not hear about things like peanut allergies is that they were much more rare 50 years ago than now; same with soy. As peanut and soy derivatives have been added to so many foods and non-food items exposure has increased dramtically. Peanut oil is now on the list of ingredients to avoid giving to infants due to the high likelihood of fatal allergic reactions; the immature immune system is just not capapble of breaking down the huge molecules that make it up. When these substances are contained in aerosol delivery systems such as spray toppings they become inhalants which are much more irritating to the immune system, hence the allergy. We never used to hear of latex allergies either, but as a health-care worker, I can assure you it is not a modern, made-up malady, but a life-theatening reality.

Posted by inkweary | June 2, 2008 2:39 PM

@26 - Thank you for the educated, clarifying response.

Posted by RHETT ORACLE | June 2, 2008 2:54 PM

who cares if it's non-dairy or not - just suck all the gas out of it

Posted by irl | June 2, 2008 4:27 PM

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