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Little do they know, mwaha mwaha, there's vacuums waiting to suck up their souls before they reach heaven.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 6, 2008 10:07 AM
No televangelists hectoring us about our sins, no Pat Robertson interviews on cable news, no mobs waving placards outside of abortion clinics.

Ok, grant for the sake of argument that Christianity is Truth and that The Rapture will occur.  The premise assumes all these annoying creatures actually qualify as Christians.

Posted by lostboy | June 6, 2008 10:15 AM

I remember the rupture of Oct 28, 1992 quite well. That was the day my appendix decided to blow out.

Posted by laterite | June 6, 2008 10:16 AM

I've had a chat with the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and he's got a big surprise for them.

They thought it was Rapture.

He said Rupture.

Imagine a large whirlpool of spaghetti in a pot that's boiling, with carnivorous meatballs you can't see nibbling at you, but the eaten parts regrow for a few thousand years.

Hope they like that ...

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 6, 2008 10:19 AM

You are suggesting that Pat Robertson and his buddies would actually qualify for the rapture. I would imagine that, if the rapture was real and the judgment was fair and all that, we would still be stuck with the real pain in the ass specimens when it was all over. :)

(If I believed in that rapture sort of thing....which I don't.)

Posted by belltown girl | June 6, 2008 10:20 AM

Old "news".

Anyway, I'm in favor of all P.T. Barnum wannabes getting whatever they can out of the Rupture Ready. Whatever goes to post-rupture private email &etc. comes out of the billboard &etc. budget.

Posted by umvue | June 6, 2008 10:27 AM

See "The Rapture." Great fucking movie.

Posted by Big Sven | June 6, 2008 10:27 AM

If I were the devil, one thing I would do would be to set up "Fundamentalist Christian" ministries. Then I would use them to convince people that hating your neighbor, sticking your nose in someone else's business, making lots of money through shady business practices and spending it on McMansions and consumer electronics, denying basic rights and freedoms to Other People, and feeling self-satisfied were all things that Jesus wants us to do.

That way, a lot of people would be subverted from loving their neighbors and making the world a better place.

Just sayin'.
Why do we let these demon-worshippers call themselves "Christian" and get away with it, again?

Posted by Thisbe | June 6, 2008 10:30 AM

The best quote from that article:

"There won't be any bodies, so probate court will take seven years to clear your assets to your next of kin. Seven years, of course, is all the time that will be left. So, basically the Government of the Antichrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way."

That statement mixes reality with make believe in an absolutely phenomenal way.

Posted by Julie | June 6, 2008 10:30 AM

Yeah, if the Rapture is real, then the fundies have a very nasty surprise in store for them. If they actually read the bible, they'd see that Jesus doesn't have any use for hectoring, judgmental bastards.

Posted by keshmeshi | June 6, 2008 10:33 AM

No fundamentalists anywhere on Earth? Are they absolutely sure WE'RE not the ones who will be in heaven?

Posted by Adam | June 6, 2008 10:36 AM

Not if the email server gets raptured first.

Posted by Fnarf | June 6, 2008 10:37 AM

Rapture-Tards, in the event of your being called up, I can clear your estate in far less than seven years, thus enabling you to bequeath your worldly possessions to your non-believing left-behind loved ones.

Of course, I'll want a sizeable retainer, upfront.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | June 6, 2008 10:39 AM

Time to update my spam filter.

Posted by Gabriel | June 6, 2008 10:40 AM

I thought I saw a story about this a year or so ago, and it was non-believers looking to bilk fundies for this service. More power to the bilkers.

Posted by Tiktok | June 6, 2008 10:43 AM

Adam @11:

No fundamentalists anywhere on Earth? Are they absolutely sure WE'RE not the ones who will be in heaven?

It'd be a start.  For this world to be heavenly, the list of asshats who'd need to disappear is much longer than just fundies.

Posted by lostboy | June 6, 2008 10:43 AM

@8 wins and @10 gets second place.

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 6, 2008 10:47 AM

Why does every thread have to contain an announcement of who "won"? Argh.

Posted by leek | June 6, 2008 11:05 AM

Next time a fundie is bothering you, tell them that "the rapture happened last Thurday, why are you still here?"

Posted by dp | June 6, 2008 11:20 AM

I for one cannot wait to rummage through the belongings of the faithful.

Posted by bronkitis | June 6, 2008 11:20 AM

Gloating: WWJD?

Posted by inkweary | June 6, 2008 11:25 AM

Jesus would have a doughnut.

Posted by National Doughnut Council | June 6, 2008 11:30 AM


Tell us the truth: Josh Feit didn't "quit"; he didn't "get fired"; he got raptured by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, to the tune of That Blondie Song.

It's "true," isn't it?

Posted by Cookie W. Monster | June 6, 2008 11:43 AM

What will happen to the motherfundies in "heaven" after the "rapture"?

They'll spend eternity in a "Christian" stress position while giant speakers blast That Blondie Song in their faces at top volume, ad infinitum ad nauseam--and all the while, Jesus and Lynndie England will give He Who Cannot Be Named the thumbs up.

And I say: Bring it on!

Posted by Jeff Stevens | June 6, 2008 11:51 AM

Perhaps we should send a correspondent down to Pike Place Market to see if Josh is there enjoying a bag of mini-donuts.

Posted by lostboy | June 6, 2008 11:52 AM

damn it, why didn't i think of that...40 bucks a year, an annual payment that only assholes would pay...i coulda been rich..

Posted by douglas | June 6, 2008 11:53 AM

I want access to that server! I want to read what the e-mails say, NOW. I'm sure half would be of the "haha, you got left behind, you suck" ilk, but I want to read the ones that say "Dear Aunt Sally, We will miss you so much. If only you hadn't been so tolerant you'd be here with us now...."

Posted by Schweighsr | June 6, 2008 11:54 AM

"The Adventures of The Christian Pirate Pussies" is a short animation that explains everything! Breed your own Red Heifer for fun & profit!

Posted by Thor | June 6, 2008 12:00 PM

The key, of course, is that once you get tired of running this business, your last action before closing up shop is to hit the send button.

Posted by ru shur | June 6, 2008 12:24 PM

Who's supposed to send the emails? Do these companies specifically hire heathens as their IT folks, just so there will be someone left behind to hit "Send"?

Posted by Mike | June 6, 2008 12:35 PM

Hate to break this to the Bible-bangin' fundy fruitbats, but the Rapture already happened. The one righteous person is at the side of Jeebus already. The rest of you are Left Behinders. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

Posted by Geni | June 6, 2008 12:43 PM

Don't worry, all your emails will be just as safe as those Karl Rove sent ...

Posted by Email Rapture Council | June 6, 2008 12:43 PM

@30 - it sounds like they have an automated system. If 3 of the 5 administrators don't log in for 6 days (presumably because they're with Jeebus), then the e-mails automatically go out.

If I was a hacker, I would definitely be on this in a heartbeat.

Posted by Julie | June 6, 2008 12:53 PM

Here's (ahem) praying for a system glitch. Send! Send! Send!

Posted by not a fundie | June 6, 2008 1:03 PM

I hate complaining about things being old on the internet, but in addition to this being ages old, I believe you yourself posted it to slog a year or so ago, Dan.

Posted by Chris in Tampa | June 6, 2008 1:06 PM

Fuck. I wish I'd have thought of this. Talk about easy money...

Posted by Reverse Polarity | June 6, 2008 1:08 PM

And George Bush will be the turd in their heavenly punch bowl.

Posted by Vince | June 6, 2008 1:42 PM

thank you @ 16 for using the word asshat.

Posted by miss jo | June 6, 2008 1:58 PM

I'm not sure if it's the same guy (I think the website I'm thinking of might be called Rapture Letters or something like that) but he gets interviewed in the great documentary "The God Who Wasn't There". Oh, and he's crazy. Go figure.

Posted by Dan McKeaney | June 6, 2008 2:01 PM

Wow, what a brilliant money making scam! Why didn't I think of this? $40/year forever subscription and all it would cost me is a PC. Damn, those people are going to be super rich soon.

Posted by Colin | June 6, 2008 2:26 PM

If the rapture were to happen, I think it would be best if it happened during one of John Haggee's sermons. "The Rapture could happen right now, before I finish this sermon. It could come any........Hey, what's going on? What happened to those people? Deacons, do you know what's going on here? God! Give us a sign, what happened to your worshipers?"

Posted by Jim | June 7, 2008 1:19 AM

You know, one thing they WOULD need is someone those fundies are CONVINCED would never get raptured. So, Dan, is it really ethical to post about your new employer without disclosing such details?

Posted by Mr. Joshua | June 7, 2008 5:45 PM

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