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Thursday, June 19, 2008

Ladies First

posted by on June 19 at 10:39 AM

[It’s Mark Mitchell is your new guest Slogger. I know you’ll make him feel welcome.]

I wasn’t old enough to appreciate Jacqueline Kennedy before she became the Jackie Oh! of my soon-to-be misspent youth. I do remember the Mrs. Onassis years as deeply glam—nude sunbathing, the Christina, sister Lee the Polish Princess by her side. Even at 10 I wondered how often Jackie had to actually do the trollionaire. Rona Barrett fed my taste for the sordid. (Notice Ari’s cowboy boots. He wanted the height).


I barely remember Pat Nixon, vague and ladylike, but that mighty wave of teased hair is burned onto my retinas. My Aunt Zoo Zoo had hair like that. She’d have it set once a week at the beauty parlor, and it was always lacquered stiff, but strangely flexible, like spun fiberglass.


There’s a great story about Betty Ford, drunk before some grand state dinner, sitting quietly on the side of her bed, but too swacked on hooch and goofballs to put on her little evening slippers. Here with Hirohito she looks totally blissed out. Can’t tell if she’s wearing shoes or not.


Rosalyn Carter was like my mother, down to earth and country. Rosalyn favored Simplicity patterns. I suspect she hand-stitched this joint herself.


Then along came Nancy, she-beast of the 1980s.

I hated this woman with a fiery passion throughout her and her Depend-able husband’s reign of terror. I would wrack my filthy imagination to come up with the most appalling imaginary tortures for her. For me, she was the Marie Antoinette of all that was callous and entitled, as it seemed like everyone I knew was, or soon would be, sick or dying. She wore Adolfo’s big, ugly copies of Chanel suits in hideous red tweeds with giant gold buttons. Big gold chains. Witch.


Barbara Bush has had (at least!) two Presidents of the United States of America inside her vagina. Still, she strikes me as nothing more than a spoiled rhinoceros in a powdered wig.

Of Hillary, I cannot speak today.

But Michelle Obama is everything amazing and strong.

RSS icon Comments


Welcome indeed! I suspect that despite the long photo-filled post, your debut will be greeted with much appreciation. But why nothing about Hillary? Is that being saved for a post of its own?

Posted by leek | June 19, 2008 10:45 AM

What a petty and pointless piece.

Posted by Mike | June 19, 2008 10:49 AM
Barbara Bush has had (at least!) two Presidents of the United States of America inside her vagina.

Well put, sir. Well put. You'll do well here.

Posted by six shooter | June 19, 2008 10:50 AM

Interesting opinions, but too abbreviated at the end of the list. It feels rushed.

Posted by UNPAID BLOGGER | June 19, 2008 10:51 AM

What a brave, brave individual to take this on.

I thought this was a fun first post.

Posted by genevieve | June 19, 2008 10:51 AM

Nice first post! The Barbara Bush line is classic.

Posted by PopTart | June 19, 2008 10:54 AM

Fantastic post. This makes me very happy.

Posted by Balt-O-Matt | June 19, 2008 10:54 AM

I love you Mark Mitchell.

Posted by NaFun | June 19, 2008 10:55 AM

Bring back Chelsea!

Seriously, were you up against a hard deadline?

Posted by Mike in MO | June 19, 2008 10:57 AM

the post is disjointed and tactless but mostly an overall improvement from chelsea ding dong bell.

Posted by tiffany | June 19, 2008 10:58 AM

too swacked on hooch and goofballs?! Heh! Ima' steal some o' yo slang for Drunk of the Week

Posted by KELLY O | June 19, 2008 11:00 AM

Great description of Nancy Reagan. "She-best of the 1980s"! May your reign as guest Slogger be a glorious one.

Posted by rb | June 19, 2008 11:00 AM

Welcome to the Terrordome. Hope you don't get offended easily.

And oh yeah, fuck Babs Bush.

Posted by Dr. R | June 19, 2008 11:00 AM

michelle is going to be the best (& tallest) 1st lady EVER!

Posted by max solomon | June 19, 2008 11:00 AM

What am I, chopped liver? Jesus.

Posted by Ladybird Johnson | June 19, 2008 11:01 AM

I'm afraid you underestimate Barbara Bush. She makes Hillary and Michelle look like Mouseketeers.

Posted by DOUG. | June 19, 2008 11:04 AM

OMG, It's Mark Mitchell! Not only can he dish it, he can take it. Excellent choice for Guest Slogger.

Posted by kerri harrop | June 19, 2008 11:05 AM

why can't you say anything about Hils?

Posted by irl | June 19, 2008 11:06 AM

A month of It's Mark Mitchell!! These SLOG mofos are gonna get exactly what they deserve, with a side of fruit salad to go.

Posted by Explorer | June 19, 2008 11:06 AM

The affection being shown here for Mark Mitchell is the most misogynist thing I've ever seen on Slog.

Posted by lostboy | June 19, 2008 11:06 AM

Michelle is smokin...Has anyone read Lies and the lying liars who tell them by Al Franken? He has a part where he is on the same plane as Babs Bush and it is hilarious. Nancy is nasty. This post was kinda pointless yet entertaining. Slog welcomes you. Watch out for ECB on the mysogyny though...

Posted by ZwBush | June 19, 2008 11:08 AM

Oh, very nice. And you may be just the man to give us the definitive Michelle Obama vs. Cindy McCain scorecard.

Posted by Gurldoggie | June 19, 2008 11:08 AM

Very well done, but what about Laura Bush?

While intellectually superior to her husband, Laura still manages the simpleton, deer-in-the-headlights stare into the cameras. She accentuates her forced smiles by slathering the lipstick on so thick that it balls up in the corners of her mouth.

Posted by Mahtli69 | June 19, 2008 11:09 AM

Mr. Mitchell, you forgot to say FUCK about something (de riguer as a Slogster....). Slow beginning but I sense some potential here for more interesting observations later.

Frankly, Michelle Obama wouldn't have to do much to look classy against the recent crowd...

Posted by Hartiepie | June 19, 2008 11:09 AM

OK, on second thought a critique wrapped in a compliment, I enjoyed your commentary on the other first ladies so much I would've liked to hear your spin on Laura Bush. And, I think you should've at least said something catty about Cindy McCain.

Posted by PopTart | June 19, 2008 11:11 AM

Hey guys, Chelsea is gone now, we're all still alive, nobody needs medical attention, so we can stop referencing her in Mr. Mitchell's fucking awesome post that I can't relate to because I'm twelve.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 19, 2008 11:16 AM

It's Mark Mitchell, welcome and great first post. :D

Posted by kat | June 19, 2008 11:18 AM

I think you insult Marie Antoinette by comparing her to Nancy Reagan. Marie was more ignorant than malicious.

Posted by Abby | June 19, 2008 11:18 AM

what about lady bird!?

Posted by dave | June 19, 2008 11:18 AM

Oh thank god, a MAN!

Posted by w7ngman | June 19, 2008 11:20 AM

It's Mark there's a guest slogger to...ummm...get behind.

Great post.

Posted by gnossos | June 19, 2008 11:22 AM

@30 Hey, that's misogynistic, gimme another buck.

Posted by PopTart | June 19, 2008 11:23 AM


Posted by blue barberpole | June 19, 2008 11:24 AM

I knew Ballew had Babs back in the early 90s, but who was the other President that nailed her? My money's on Finn.

Posted by Smade | June 19, 2008 11:24 AM

I like! Picures always good, memory lane always fun. Nothing on this earth is too trivial for my tastes, and I particularly appreciated the comments on the Adolfo suits. I like your style, sir, regardless of whether or not we agree, which is the highest praise.

Also, Gerald Ford is a fox.

Posted by Phoebe | June 19, 2008 11:25 AM

Dear "Ms Alvarez-Bell",

THIS is how you write a fun, puffy web post. Please take note.

Thank you,


Posted by michael strangeways | June 19, 2008 11:25 AM

yeah you skipped lbj's wife, not to mention the gloss job on the last three first ladies. but still it's not a bad first post i guess...

Posted by douglas | June 19, 2008 11:25 AM

@34 - Uh, I think she was referencing our current "president", whose point of entry onto this glorious planet was that same orifice.

Posted by DanFan | June 19, 2008 11:31 AM

I REALLY didn't need to be thinking of BB's vag, thanks. But otherwise, a fine post indeed. Welcome!

Posted by Mike of Renton | June 19, 2008 11:32 AM

dagnabbit my comment didn't go through. More concise version:
I approve. Pictures always good. Also attention to detail, as in the comment about the Adolfo suit. Don't listen to anyone who says "xyz is too trivial a topic" - no such thing.

Gerald Ford is a fox.

Posted by Phoebe | June 19, 2008 11:44 AM


Posted by Phoebe | June 19, 2008 11:45 AM

I cannot help but love the sheer metaphorical accuracy in your characterization of Babs Bush:

"she strikes me as nothing more than a spoiled rhinoceros in a powdered wig."

Now THAT'S some good guest-Slogging!

Posted by Hernandez | June 19, 2008 12:01 PM

This is guest-slogging I can get behind.

Posted by giantladysquirrels | June 19, 2008 12:05 PM

Sorry but this is "I just started a blog and I've got all these cool insights!" grade post. Somewhere idiot teenagers are sobbing because Mark took all their adjectives and they have nothing to say in their MySpaces.

Posted by Bob | June 19, 2008 12:10 PM

So, um, when are you SLOG vets going to teach him about the "spill" and how if your post takes up more than 4 inches of vertical height you should use it?

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 19, 2008 12:11 PM





Posted by slog's only misandrist | June 19, 2008 12:23 PM


Uh, Bob, you totally forgot to mention how you would win in a bar fight.

Posted by elenchos | June 19, 2008 12:29 PM

Who's Chelsea? Who's Babs Vagina? Some drag queens if this is SLOG.

Posted by Vince | June 19, 2008 12:30 PM

Welcome IMM - hope Keck is paying you a decent rate per-comment.

You ARE getting a commission on the number of comments you generate, no?

If not, there's an easy solution: threaten to quit. It worked out pretty well for the last guest-SLOGer...

Posted by COMTE | June 19, 2008 12:30 PM

Kelly O and Ari Spool give It's Mark Mitchell can of Rize, It's Mark Mitchell drink Rize, freak out, Hulk out, IT'S MARK MITCHELL BECOME HULK!


And no, I don't feel like letting it go.

Posted by The Incredible Sulk | June 19, 2008 12:31 PM

You know I think to show our approval we owe It's Mark Mitchell at least 150 comments.

I'd pick a fight with someone to oblige but I'm fresh out of outrage today.

Posted by PopTart | June 19, 2008 12:44 PM

You filthy, pig-ignorant slag heap of a noon drunkard, PopTart!

Note: I don't actually mean that but she said she was spoiling for a fight. I have no objection to beaten beaten to a pulp if it's for a good cause. And It's Mark Mitchell is always a good cause.

And you, Ladybird? Yes, you ARE chopped liver. That's EXACTLY what you are. You and your disgusting anti-billboard campaigns.

Posted by Fnarf | June 19, 2008 1:13 PM

I love this post Mark. Well done.

Posted by Original Monique | June 19, 2008 1:16 PM

@52 Yeah, well you are a gorbellied rude-growing skainsmate, whatever the hell that means. And you are also a mewling unchin-snouted ratsbane for good measure.

(See I can't even come up with original insults today, I had to use the Shakespeare insult generator.)

Posted by PopTart | June 19, 2008 1:49 PM

AND! Everyone knows who the real noon drunkard around these parts is.

Posted by PopTart | June 19, 2008 2:01 PM

I snouted more unchins back in college than you've had hot dinners, Popt. May I call you Popt?

(Yes, I do recycle all my jokes. Got a problem with that?)

Posted by Fnarf | June 19, 2008 2:07 PM

Rosalyn always seemed a little too steely for my taste. As for Babs, recall what people of all political stripes told Al Franken about her, "Oh, she's a bitch!". We'll probably findout that Laura also was blitzed for most of this administration. Perhaps, Valium rather than "highballs" but I can't imagine how she's made it through years with that idiot and those twins (esp. jenna), otherwise.

Posted by Rich | June 19, 2008 2:29 PM

Suck a bullet and die, you boring windbag.

Posted by Greg | June 19, 2008 2:48 PM

Rosalyn always scared me, Mark! She always seemed ready to snap, like a cornered...ummm...pit bull. I do like her advocacy for mental health, though (and god knows a look around this site is enough to underscore the need for said advocacy).

Very cool first post -- out of nowhere, clever turns of phrase (the Babs Bush bit kills!), and a point of view. Looking forward to your future work.

Posted by Jubilation T. Cornball | June 19, 2008 4:01 PM


Speaking as someone not involved with the previous guest-slogger drama and a woman very interested in talented people of both genders, your post is much more clever and interesting than any of Chelsea's were. That's the last comparison I will make.

I'm looking forward to reading more of your writing!

Posted by V | June 19, 2008 4:25 PM

@58 Who are you talking to you caluminous malmsey-nosed haggard?

I still don't understand all the objections to Ladybird around here, she made the highways beautiful didn't she?

Posted by PopTart | June 19, 2008 4:52 PM

what about laura bush???

scripted, dead-in-the-eyes, stiff-backed laura. what about her?

Posted by joe | June 19, 2008 5:46 PM

People miss the point about Barbara Bush: she's ugly on the inside. Her outside is an accidental and irrelevant objective correlative. She's a gorgon, George is gorgeous--but they've got similar insides. THAT's the problem.

Posted by Tim Appelo | June 19, 2008 7:56 PM

@61: Don't make me twaddle your borogoves, you rosy-throated varlet!

Posted by Greg | June 20, 2008 11:11 AM

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