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Monday, June 2, 2008

As Long As You Keep ‘Em On

posted by on June 2 at 11:03 AM

Kmart—last seen selling classy “light-hearted” shirts promoting domestic violence—is now marketing abstinence-only pants . Think “True Love Waits”? Now you can emblazon it across your (virginal) ass:


According to the accompanying copy, “Whether she is lounging around the house, going to practice, or doing her chores. … These athletic pants boldly proclaim just where she stands by pointing out that ‘True Love Waits’ in a large screen print on the front and back of these pants.”

Not available in boys’ sizes.

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Posted by Ziggity | June 2, 2008 11:15 AM

You'd look hot in these.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 2, 2008 11:19 AM

It's printed on the front and back, OK so where's the matching facemask?

Posted by inkweary | June 2, 2008 11:19 AM

If it gives creepy old men an excuse to stare at young girls' crotches and assess, I guess its okay.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | June 2, 2008 11:21 AM

True Love is overrated, anyhow.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | June 2, 2008 11:22 AM

mr. poe, buy a pair of these stat and wear them to slog happy hour!

Posted by scary tyler moore | June 2, 2008 11:24 AM

And true love waits
In haunted attics
And true love lives
On lollipops and crisps

Posted by konstantconsumer | June 2, 2008 11:24 AM

I'm not attending the next Slog Happy, STM. I sorryz.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 2, 2008 11:25 AM

i can only picture these on the morbidly obese.

Posted by max solomon | June 2, 2008 11:31 AM

Do you suppose they were designed by youth pastors?

Posted by Hernandez | June 2, 2008 11:34 AM

@4 Yeah, because the font is kind of hard to read. At first I thought it said "True Lean Haits" which made no sense.

Posted by PopTart | June 2, 2008 11:37 AM

As Tim Gunn would say a further example of the Slavification of American fashion

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger | June 2, 2008 11:39 AM

@12: this is Slavic?

Posted by Abby | June 2, 2008 11:44 AM

just ordered a pair....

Posted by Kim | June 2, 2008 11:51 AM

I think of it more as the Univisionification of American fashion.

Posted by Hooty Sapperticker | June 2, 2008 11:51 AM

I wonder if the drawstring comes with a little padlock?

Posted by rb | June 2, 2008 11:52 AM

I can only imagine how mortified a sexually active teen would feel when given a pair of these by her well-meaning but clueless parents, and being guilted into wearing them to school. Ugh.

Posted by Reverse Polarity | June 2, 2008 11:55 AM

True Love Waits... for a blood test.

Posted by Big Sven | June 2, 2008 11:59 AM

True love waits until it can get the condom out of the fucking package.

Posted by Smade | June 2, 2008 12:00 PM

Insincere Love would be on that like a fly on shit.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | June 2, 2008 12:05 PM

Oh, god DAMN those are HAWT. Pervy grampa is loving the look of these.

Posted by Fnarf | June 2, 2008 12:08 PM

Nice that it's on the ass. What's message does that send. "True love waits"... for anal?

Posted by Dougsf | June 2, 2008 12:11 PM

@17. I cannot imagine a teen who didn't want to wear these being guilted into it. This is like the pants equivalent of a promise ring -- most kids aren't guilted into those things, they're brainwashed into them.

Posted by Julie | June 2, 2008 12:15 PM

By promise ring I meant "I promise to wait till I'm married since if I don't I'm going to hell" ring.

Posted by Julie | June 2, 2008 12:20 PM

They should just sell chastity belts. I'm sure they would catch on.

Posted by tsm | June 2, 2008 12:25 PM

Elastic ankled sweats? That's some nursing home uniform biz right there. True Love Waits for a long fucking time, apparently. Does it come with a med alert necklace?

Posted by Travis | June 2, 2008 12:32 PM

If they bring back Dr. Joycelyn Elders as Surgeon General in the next administration, we can all have T-shirts that say:

When you're hot and you're horny
And you don't have a date,
Just sit right down
And masturbate!

Posted by rob | June 2, 2008 12:33 PM

Bright yellow sweatpants are unflattering to every body type. If you wear these, you might as well become a born again virgin, because there is no way you could get laid.

Posted by miss_m | June 2, 2008 12:42 PM

3 wins!

Posted by Mike in MO | June 2, 2008 12:48 PM

funny and too bad about the lack of boys sizes because I know way more gay boys that would wear those than girls.

Posted by catnextdoor | June 2, 2008 12:50 PM

Those sweats are hysterical! Any parent that would buy those for their child is an idiot.

Posted by mj | June 2, 2008 1:00 PM

They only thing that would make these pants look better—camel toe & muffin top. Wait, isn’t that the name of a band?

Posted by Zoesanne | June 2, 2008 1:08 PM

These pants will be just as effective as waving a red flag in front of a bull to scare it away ...

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 2, 2008 1:22 PM

itz 2 badz my daddy aint so good at readin'

Posted by hillybilly girl | June 2, 2008 1:23 PM

A mild improvement over the mid to late 90's track pants.

"I will sue you if you read this"

Posted by OR Matt | June 2, 2008 1:54 PM

The reason there aren't boy's sizes is because when boys fuck, it is a rite of passage. When girls fuck, they are whores.

It is the way god intended...

Posted by Mike in MO | June 2, 2008 1:55 PM

If only we didn't have to shit and pee out of that whole area too ... then we could just get the fucking chastity belts and call it a day.

Posted by OR Matt | June 2, 2008 2:16 PM

Still, probably better this than a young woman advertising the Juiciness of her butt. I do like the idea of a padlock logo covering the crotch.

Posted by Juicy Couture | June 2, 2008 2:45 PM

True love waits....

So your daughter's going down on guys like a circus seal in the meantime.

All I can see with these is some fake-and-baked girl with two-year-old filthy imitation Uggs, the waistband rolled down to reveal her Playboy navel jewelry, and her frosted pink lipsticked mouth covering her pierced tongue.

Posted by Jessica | June 2, 2008 5:13 PM

So did they get Britney to do the ad?

Posted by banjoboy | June 2, 2008 5:31 PM

Oh, Jessica, gimme her number!

Posted by Fnarf | June 2, 2008 8:49 PM

Yeah Thom York should sue their sorry gold asses.

Posted by RJ | June 3, 2008 7:23 AM

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