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Friday, May 9, 2008

What the Hell Should We Do With All This Liquor?

posted by on May 9 at 12:15 PM

Kelly O and I have a bit of an overstock problem on our hands.

You see, some promotion company keeps insisting on giving us this weird malt liquor energy drink thing called Rize. Last time they came by the offices, they gave us six flats. It tastes awful. (Nick Scholl says: “Like Vietnam.”) Kelly and I puzzled for weeks. “Should we walk around Seattle asking people to pour it out for their homies?” That would be very heartfelt, but kind of boring. “Should we just give it to the bums and see what happens?” They’d probably kill themselves, as no human can drink more than three without having a heart attack from all the taurine.

So we took three flats and did this:

Which, of course, was incredibly inspired.

But the delivery man came again, and we hadn’t even gotten through the last batch. And this time, he brought MORE:


Which brings us to the subject of this post. What the hell should we do with all this liquor?

Give us some ideas, people, because our faucets are on dry. Put ‘em in the comments, and we’ll pick the best ones and throw up a poll next week. Whatever you decide on—we will do it and we will film it for the next Drunk of the Week video.

Nothing too gross, or violent, or sexual, or weird, but a little of all of that is cool. Mostly, just be hilarious—that’s what we’re looking for.

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Have the first annual Stranger Olympics, the first competition being a chug off of those frightful things. Other events could include slogging, chasing the pigeon with the dart in its head, and proving who makes the most convincing drag king. The gold medal will be take the lion's share of Rize, in addition to some other cool prize.

Posted by Jaye | May 9, 2008 12:14 PM

Judging from that that (sic) absolutely apocalyptic typo, it's obvious you drank at least one Rize before Slogging, Ari.

As for what to do what the potentially lethal booze, I have three words for you:

Stranger Man-Off 2009.

Why "drink the Kool-Aid" when you can "drink the Rize"?

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 9, 2008 12:15 PM

McLeod is actually having the same problem! They have more Rize than anyone is ever going to want to drink, but because they got it for free they can't technically sell it or some dumb shit. Try it with champagne. Like with most things, champagne makes it better. A little.

Posted by Callie | May 9, 2008 12:15 PM

pour it in a kiddie pool and splash around. maybe you can get drunk by osmosis and not have to taste the awful stuff.

Posted by unarata | May 9, 2008 12:15 PM

#2: What typo? I'm can't find it.

#4: Watch the video. It's been done.

Posted by Ari Spool | May 9, 2008 12:24 PM

Feed them to Original Monique and Mr. Poe at the next Slog Happy.

Posted by Jessica | May 9, 2008 12:25 PM

mail it to the liquor control board.

Posted by kazuo | May 9, 2008 12:26 PM

ari- "this this" in the header

Posted by thickturd | May 9, 2008 12:28 PM

Give it to Richard McIver.

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 9, 2008 12:28 PM

Hey Ari, thanks for giving Rize beverages the press coverage we we're hoping for. Sorry you didn't like it, but you fell for our little plan hook, line and sinker.

Any publicity is good and free advertising is even better.

Again, thanks so much!

Posted by Rize beverages spokesman | May 9, 2008 12:29 PM


Posted by Bill | May 9, 2008 12:31 PM

#8: Oh duh. blaaaaahhhhh! I need a Rize.

Posted by Ari Spool | May 9, 2008 12:34 PM

#10: Give it a rest. If somebody corporate gave you a bunch of liquor, what would you do, throw it away? I bet it'd poison the water supply.

Posted by Ari Spool | May 9, 2008 12:39 PM

Send it all to Bruce Harrell's office in City Hall, with a note saying, "For your liver only--luv, Venus."

Bruce Harrell as Drunk of the Week--that that would swoonify my typo-haunted heart. (hic!)

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 9, 2008 12:40 PM

give it away at the truckasauras CD-release party. those dudes play better when wasted, the crowd's louder when wasted, and ryan trudell loves him some energy malt-liquor.

Posted by bailee. | May 9, 2008 12:42 PM

I've been going through the same thing. Rize was at least partially responsible for me quitting booze for a month for the first time since I was 17.

Posted by Abe | May 9, 2008 12:43 PM

There's just no responsible way for you to get rid of this stuff if it involves people actually drinking it. Just dump it out and get on with your life.

Posted by PJ | May 9, 2008 12:43 PM

Rize is awesome. Mix it with champagne. I've seen Ari Spool drink a Rize once, for real. She liked it. This is all crap.

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | May 9, 2008 12:44 PM

Build an air cannon and shoot them against a concrete embankment to make abstract art.

Or use the shiny polished aluminum inside surface of the cans to build a giant parabolic mirror to focus the sun's rays into a heat beam which you will then use to destroy the remaining cans of Rize. If you locate your mirror on Mt. Rainier, it can also be used to hold Seattle hostage for One! Million! Dollars!

Posted by elenchos | May 9, 2008 12:47 PM

Sneak cases of it into convenience stores, preferably ones that don't carry it.

Or go to the garden store and buy the biggest fountain you can find, and set it up to run on Rize.

Leave cases of it in alleyways in the alcohol-restricted zone downtown.

Posted by Fnarf | May 9, 2008 12:47 PM

Attach fake PBR labels to them. The hipsters will suck it up in no time. If it tastes as bad as you say it does, no one will be the wiser.

Posted by JC | May 9, 2008 12:49 PM
#10: Give it a rest. If somebody corporate gave you a bunch of liquor, what would you do, throw it away? I bet it'd poison the water supply.

Ari, on behalf of Rize beverages, I would again like to thank you for using your pulpit at the Stranger to publicize the name of our fantastic drink.

We'll be sending up more cases right away!

-Rize Beverages

Posted by Rize Beverages | May 9, 2008 12:50 PM


Fuck off, hater! You know damn well what Ari meant to say was, "What the Hell Should We Do With All That There Liquor?"

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 9, 2008 12:51 PM

Get Dan Savage to shove a gun in his shorts, wheel a cart full of this stuff down to City Hall, and see how much he can give away.

Posted by Breklor | May 9, 2008 12:52 PM

Have a softball tournament.

Posted by Hernandez | May 9, 2008 12:55 PM

You know, if you set up a still, you could probably boil off and collect the alcohol and leave most of the glorp behind. And no, that would not be legal.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty | May 9, 2008 12:56 PM

bums need a drink. one per, first come, first served.

or just head on down to victor steinbrueck & give it to our cities most valued citizens. you can find them on the southern portion of the park or by the gazebo at virginia & pike place.

Posted by max solomon | May 9, 2008 1:06 PM

give it away for free at hump!

Posted by kyle [TCBITR] | May 9, 2008 1:14 PM

i think it's time for the stranger to create some kind of kisw "rockgirl" mascott group. this will be the grand prize. you can easily call it a one year supply.

Posted by cochise. | May 9, 2008 1:15 PM

Stop telling us to give it away! Besides the fact that it's illegal to do that, it's pretty boring. We want more things along the lines of elenchos' air cannon! Give us something fun to do!

Posted by Ari Spool | May 9, 2008 1:17 PM

I think you're overlooking the obvious: Sell it to teenagers! After all, it's prom season!

Posted by gillsans | May 9, 2008 1:20 PM

Figure out some way to rig your massive Rize reservoir to the fountain in Seattle Center.

Posted by kazuo | May 9, 2008 1:23 PM

Get Jonathon Golob to tell you all the fun stuff you can do with alcohol that you can justify by calling them "scientific experiments". My favorites generally involve high-pressure chambers and fire. I'd dig up some specifics but it's exam time and that would be dangerously close to actual studying.

Posted by SeattleExile | May 9, 2008 1:25 PM

Well, if you want to blow the shit up, I suppose I could let you use my 20-mm rifle. It probably wouldn't take more than a couple of rounds.

Posted by Fifty-Two-Eighty | May 9, 2008 1:31 PM

has Dan been knocking these back lately? it might explain the insomnia...

and you know, the more you promote this, the more cases of this shit they're going to send you...that was the whole point of giving you all these freebies.


Posted by michael strangeways | May 9, 2008 1:31 PM

What #2 said, but with all Stranger Staffers. High-lairous!

Posted by Gidget | May 9, 2008 1:38 PM

Guns! Alcohol! Fire! Boom! Fun! Yay!

I'm sure all the extra shit in there from being "energy" drinks and not just alcohol would just make things more interesting.

Posted by SeattleExile | May 9, 2008 1:48 PM

Throw a "make a Hump film" party.

Posted by SeattleBrad | May 9, 2008 1:49 PM

Put together some teams to compete in raising the tallest Rize pyramid with a specified number of cans in the shortest amount of time. Everytime a team's can/cans falls the competitors must drink it before being able to continue.

Posted by inkweary | May 9, 2008 1:55 PM

In related news, @18, they're expanding the locations that can grow Champagne .... the vinyards that is.

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 9, 2008 1:58 PM

Ok, so my idea is float it all in the wading pool at Green Lake and have a Fishing Contest using magnets.

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 9, 2008 2:01 PM


Posted by josh bomb | May 9, 2008 2:08 PM

Have you tried dropping a Mento into one yet?

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 9, 2008 2:08 PM

Holy shit! Can the Webmaster tell us how many seconds passed between @42 and @43? Cosmic! Epic! Fuckin' E.S.P. dude!

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 9, 2008 2:12 PM

God dammit! 42 and 43 beat me to it by like 20 minutes.

Posted by Greg | May 9, 2008 2:28 PM

OK, why not combine them.

Float them all in a wading pool, and fish them out with magnets on sticks suspended by string.

As each is "caught" have them tossed to the Mentos Maker, dressed in a Starbucks Mermaid suit, who pops the top and drops the Mentos in them.

Film at 11!

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 9, 2008 2:29 PM

I'm thinking a Rize slip'n'slide would be comedic gold.

Posted by Lushy J | May 9, 2008 2:38 PM

PaintBall-type battle with SuperSoaker water gun things filled with the stuff. I'd watch that.

Posted by LeslieC | May 9, 2008 2:39 PM

Will in Seattle,

You forgot the crucial alcoholadelic detail: Who's gonna be the Mentos Maker? Who else: Venus Velazquez.

Yay! Exclamation! Points! And! HTML! Tags!

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 9, 2008 2:39 PM

Sorry I forgot the accent in "Velazquez" @49. I figured I'd leave it for some other bad grammar drama queen to pitch a bitch about.

Slog for me! It's the Klaw!

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 9, 2008 2:42 PM

Assemble a mass symbolic pour out for our dead homies in Iraq.

Posted by AMB | May 9, 2008 2:42 PM

Hm, my first choice would be to stack them up around Chaz' cubicle, that way when the "big one" finally hits, they should easily prevent those piles of shit he calls "filing" or "research" from inundating the entire building.

Either that, or build a raft out of them and float it out to the log-boom next Seafair.

Posted by COMTE | May 9, 2008 2:43 PM

You could make some chronic inebriates very, very happy with that shit. I'm with Fnarf, leave a few flats in some particularly pissy alleys and make this a weekend to forget.

I gotta throw this bit of buzzkill in: as someone that has worked for a beer company in the past, I can attest to the fact that Rize is walking a very thin line with this sort of giveaway.

The regulations regarding alcohol promotion are strict and, while they are not breaking any clear laws (your office is not a bar, contrary to what some may think), the Rize folks are definitely in a gray area.

Posted by kerri harrop | May 9, 2008 2:51 PM

No, no, we have Venus sliding down the slide that we pour it down after dropping in the Mentos ...

But I like @51 ... maybe we can have one person in a Starbucks Mermaid outfit that "catches" the "caught" Liquor, another one in a military uniform that salutes and pops the Mentos in, and then we pour it into a Giant Coffin while the Flag waves next to it ...

Could probably send the vid to the Colbert Report as us doing our Patriotic Duty of inebriation for our dearly departed ...

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 9, 2008 3:05 PM

And, to make it even sweeter, we could have an Official Mourning Queue of Patriotic Citizenry who can drink some while they watch ...

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 9, 2008 3:09 PM

Sisters and brothers, I've got it.

So, back when the David Letterman show was still crazy funny (1987 or so), Letterman once wore a suit completely covered in Alka Seltzer tablets, and was slowly lowered into a five foot deep clear tub of water. Yes, it was fizz action o'plenty.

Maybe you see where I'm going with this.

That's right! We'll pour all the Rize into a giant and translucent plastic tub, then put Venus Velazquez into a Starbucks Siren suit, then cover her completely in Mentos, then slowly lower her into the tub'o'Rize--all on glorious viral video!

Get the cameras rollin'! Get the action goin'!

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 9, 2008 3:16 PM

Can we get a dead soldier in uniform in a coffin behind her while we play taps?

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 9, 2008 3:43 PM

I say multiple slip and slides at Cal Anderson park. Have a donation jar there for Vera. Some flyers around broadway, and you're set.

Or if you have a "Man-Off competition", you can have each contestant drink a Riz between tasks, ie: spinning in a cirle 30 times, then drink a riz...doing 10 sommersalts (sp?) then drink a riz, etc.

Make 5 stations, and make it a relay with teams. 5 people to a team. Thats 25 Riz drunk for each team.

First team to complete wins.

Posted by Original Monique | May 9, 2008 3:48 PM

Put it on a Metro bus. Lure in some of Seattle's Finest Citizens. Shut the doors, and drive them off to Medina.

Posted by Jeremiah | May 9, 2008 3:50 PM

(Unwanted phone books) + (Unwanted crappy booze) + Science = ?

Solve for fun. Please?

Posted by matthew e | May 9, 2008 4:02 PM

I prefer the Finnish method of beverage distribution.

Posted by Y.F. | May 9, 2008 4:05 PM

I like Original Monique's idea.

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 9, 2008 4:10 PM

Do some taste testing. Have Rize and then have something fairly disgusting and see what the user prefers (or something of that nature).

Posted by cliff rancho | May 9, 2008 4:20 PM

@61: I'll see your Wife Carrying and raise you an Urban Iditarod.

Posted by Greg | May 9, 2008 4:21 PM

I like the embellishment @54. The Iraq war dead memorial Mentos geyser. You'd just have to make sure you collected it in something with a narrow mouth.

Posted by AMB | May 9, 2008 4:23 PM

Make a hundred of the nastiest beer chickens ever.

Extra Credit:

Never mention that crummy shit by name. Make a new name for it. Be sure to involve teenage alcoholism.

Posted by tabletop_joe | May 9, 2008 4:24 PM

Send it to the liquor board with a letter askng them to de-list the product.

That much free sample has got to violate some obscure administrative code section.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | May 9, 2008 4:31 PM

At the party in Cal Anderson Park, the music will be provided by, of, course ... (drumroll) ... DJ Rize Rollins!


Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 9, 2008 4:36 PM

Spill it all over the floor of the Metro #49 so ECB will complain about it in the paper the following week.

Posted by Cookie W. Monster | May 9, 2008 4:38 PM

Build a catapult and shoot them at Tim Eyman's house. Er, Tim Eyman's bank's house.

Posted by Fnarf | May 9, 2008 5:00 PM

seriously, if you want a case, hit me up

Posted by Abe | May 9, 2008 5:03 PM

Ooh, I like the idea at @71.

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 9, 2008 5:07 PM

4 words: Middle School Lunch Line.

barring that (being that it is unethical and illegal) I suggest a Rize t-shirt contest.

Posted by Jordan | May 9, 2008 6:09 PM

I DEFINITELY think slogging should be involved. I don't know exact time limits or alcohol amounts, etc, but here goes (feel free to change drink amounts or time units):

You each start by drinking one (1) Rize. After each can, you each pick a word at random from the dictionary (or maybe an entry in an encyclopedia), pick a number between one and ten and google that word/entry. Go down to the nth result (n being your number), open that page, then write an opinionated slog post about whatever page and subject your result is. 15 total minutes: 5 minutes to read, 10 minutes to write a post. No outside editing. Worst post has to drink an extra rize on the next round. Best post gets to drink something alcoholic other than a RIze. From what you've described, that would be quite the motivator. I don't know if you get Dan to vote or if there would be enough live slog readers, but I would find it interesting. OR, maybe the other participants could vote! I think it would get more entertaining as the night progresses.

Posted by MR. Language Person | May 9, 2008 6:21 PM

OK, fixed it. Use wikipedia random article function to pick the subject. Google or not, you'd still have an interesting slog post.

Posted by MR. Language Person | May 9, 2008 6:24 PM

Cal Anderson Mountain Fountain. Totally.

Or, I know I'd like to keep a case in my car so I can hand out cans to homeless people at freeway off-ramps. Cut out the middle-man.

Posted by violet_dagrinder | May 9, 2008 6:30 PM

Taurine causes heart attacks? I think not!

Posted by lee | May 9, 2008 10:27 PM

How about you bribe the junkies in Belltown to NOT bother those places again and as their reward you will give them some beer? You could film the transaction from the spy cams and voila! problem solved! No police needed...only beer. Isn't that always the answer???

I still like the idea of dumping it all into a fountain or the idea of having a big tub with a person as the starbucks mermaid covered with mentos being dropped in in front of a dead soldier.

Posted by Kristin Bell | May 10, 2008 8:35 AM

And the theme music will be of, course:

"May the choad Rize with you"

Posted by Jeff Stevens | May 10, 2008 2:20 PM

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