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Thursday, May 8, 2008

Stupid Lazy Fucks

posted by on May 8 at 9:19 AM

Who needs this product? Really—who?


Making pancakes from a mix—which are inexpensive and come cheap bags that presumably biodegrade—is so freakin’ easy that I can do it. In fact, I do do it, at least once a week—me! A guy who can’t, according to the boyfriend, boil water correctly. (He says I don’t put the teapot on the right burner and that I fail to set the flame at the right height. The water boils just the same, though.) Pancake mix is cheap, and all you gotta do is add a little freaking water, which comes right out of the tap. It takes about three minutes to make pancakes. There’s no excuse for this product—really, none whatsoever.

And we all know who this product is aimed at: the relative handful of folks out there that appreciate consumer products in very bad taste (spray-cheese fans, ironic servers of lil’ smokies), like Slog tipper Brian. But the primarily market for spray pancakes is stressed-out, over-scheduled parents who are encouraged to believe that they’re way too busy to actually make breakfast for their kids. Some parents, of course, are too busy to make breakfast—parents with long commutes, parents that have to leave the house before their kids get up. But for most parents time-saving “shortcuts” like spray pancakes or—ugh—Lunchables are a dodge. They’re not too busy to add water to pancake mix and stir or make a sandwich and put it in a sack. Some parents like to tell themselves they’re too busy—and food marketers profit by encouraging them to think so—when what they really are is far too lazy.

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I make my grandma's buttermilk pancake recipe--it's super easy. Dan, I'll send you the recipe.

Oh, and batter blaster? What a dreadful name!

Posted by Michigan Matt | May 8, 2008 9:22 AM

But, it's *organic* spray-on batter!

We need a new word to mean what "organic" should have meant.

Posted by Big Adventure Steve | May 8, 2008 9:25 AM

Cheese-in-a-can is awesome. Grow up.

Posted by Mr. Poe | May 8, 2008 9:27 AM

I was thinking about how marketers use appeals of 'labor saving' to get people to buy products as I was raking my backyard the other day. I barely DO physical labor at all unless it's a personal choice, like working in my yard. It's one of the only times I actually have to work up a decent sweat or get some muscles worked out. It made me think that rakes should be sold as workout devices. The RAKEMASTER 3000!!!

Posted by NaFun | May 8, 2008 9:31 AM

Dan, you put the tea kettle on the WRONG FUCKING BURNER AGAIN!!!! *look at the picture*!!!!!!

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger | May 8, 2008 9:33 AM

I fully agree with Mr. Poe. A few years ago I was sad to find out that Cheese-in-a-can isn't the same can style as redi-whip, which made killing brain cells via cheeze-its impossible.

Posted by Little Red Ryan Hood | May 8, 2008 9:33 AM

Damn, where can you find that! I was looking for it at Safeway on 15th last week...

Posted by cheezewiz | May 8, 2008 9:33 AM

Huh-huh. "Batter Blaster" is my new nickname for my schlong.

Posted by Hernandez | May 8, 2008 9:34 AM

That's my kitchen, Cato. It's Brian's. But, yeah, I put the kettle on the WRONG FUCKING BURNER this morning. It's a problem I'm working on—particularly since the mornings I put the kettle on the wrong burner always seem to be the same mornings that I walk into doors.

Posted by Dan Savage | May 8, 2008 9:37 AM

I don't get it; for the ultra-lazy, frozen, microwavable pancakes have been around for literally decades.

Or just tell the damn brats to toast some frozen waffles, if you so dread spending any time with them.

Posted by Rick | May 8, 2008 9:41 AM

You can get the stuff at QFC. (At least the U-Village store has it but I am too busy crusing guys to pay much attention to Batter Blaster) and I am scared to buy the stuff. But the website for Batter Blaster has a really stupid demo video.

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger | May 8, 2008 9:44 AM

That shit looks like it will cause cancer for sure.
When I was a kid and my mom was too busy to make breakfast, she had me put some cereal in a bowl. It was delicious.

Posted by Bella | May 8, 2008 9:45 AM

you apparently do? it's in your hand, by your stove (right by your teapot), right?

Posted by cochise. | May 8, 2008 9:45 AM

I should make some pancakes this weekend...

Posted by Ben | May 8, 2008 9:45 AM

Look Dan, it's the 21st century. Soon, everything will eventually be in spray, pill, or hologram form. Next you'll be insulting shiny jumpsuits.

Posted by JC | May 8, 2008 9:46 AM

#9, what is the wrong burner? Too small for the kettle? Too big? I do kind of have an issue with people putting a small pot on a burner that is too big for it. Seems wasteful.

"add water to pancake mix and stir"

You overlooked washing the bowl and spoon, which frankly is the real bitch.

Posted by w7ngman | May 8, 2008 9:48 AM

I enjoy the futuristic Waffle In A Can idea and one day hope they have an entire aerosol breakfast with freeze dried mimosas.

Posted by gregg | May 8, 2008 9:48 AM

@12 - exactly. I'm kind of a purist (elitist??) about this kind of thing. Pancakes, etc. are a breakfast that takes at least a little effort. Instead of cutting corners with crazy stuff like this, if you don't have the time for batter then make some damn Cheerios!

Posted by MK | May 8, 2008 9:49 AM

I need this.

Does it need to be cooked at all? Can I just spray it in my mouth?

Posted by Fnarf | May 8, 2008 9:50 AM

I forgot to mention one of my favorite breakfast related products, aside from the ridiculous plastic bottle, which is the shake and pour pancake mix. It's the best thing to happen to camping since Pillsbury biscuit dough on a stick.

Posted by w7ngman | May 8, 2008 9:51 AM

I meant, "That's NOT my kitchen." Mine is much messier than Brian's because.... we actually cook in it, I think.

Posted by Dan Savage | May 8, 2008 9:54 AM

Does anyone else think that Dan's household sounds a lot like "Two & a Half Men"? Two men, a smart alecky kid and lots of crazy hijinks...

And if the kitchen is messy, maybe you need to get a chubby, caustic cleaning lady like Conchata Ferrel to clean house and comedically banter with.

Posted by michael strangeways | May 8, 2008 10:02 AM

Kelly O really really needs this stuff. I know this to be an actual true fact!! And I pray to God that she has it when I come to visit.

Posted by Momma | May 8, 2008 10:04 AM

This product can only be used without shame by campers, and such people are probably the last folks who'd ever buy such a thing.

Posted by David Schmader | May 8, 2008 10:10 AM

FUCK pancakes. French Toast or nothing at all.

Posted by heywhatsit | May 8, 2008 10:13 AM

Last time I made pancakes from scratch I ruined them. My son said "you call those pancakes?" Step mom *never* ruins the pancakes. But, I will not resort to batter in a can, I will persevere, I will make perfect pancakes.

Posted by PopTart | May 8, 2008 10:16 AM

I'm having a hard time imagining anything more ridiculous that "organic" spray pancake batter in an aerosol can. The very notion of it makes my head spin. It seems like some kind of joke you'd see on Saturday Night Live, not an actual real product you can buy in a grocery store.

Our planet is doomed.

Posted by Reverse Polarity | May 8, 2008 10:22 AM

#26, one word: Bisquick.

Posted by w7ngman | May 8, 2008 10:23 AM

Haha they sell this at Whole Foods! Presumbly because it's organic. Anyway I bought it because it's just so freaking cool. I am definitely not an over-stressed mom though I do tend to underschedule breakfast making time. I guess I'm on the ironic side especially since I'm unlikely to make pancakes during the work week anyway.

I am a bad sucker for gimmicks. Lunchables are an abomination and this is bad. I'll try not to use it that much but it's pretty fun.

Anyway, David, it requires refrigeration. You might be able to insulate it and use it camping though.

Posted by daniel | May 8, 2008 10:25 AM

I particularly like the peaceful farm scene on the top of the can, as if to say that those pancakes come directly from the beautiful countryside we all imagined as children. Somewhere in paradise is a happy and hard working farm family, breeding happy cows, raising free range chickens, growing corn as high as an elephant's eye, and putting pancakes in a spray can.

Posted by Gurldoggie | May 8, 2008 10:27 AM

That doesn't look like a lot of batter. How much did it cost?

Is it compressed and aerated? I have to admit aerated pancake batter would make a pretty mean pancake.

Posted by w7ngman | May 8, 2008 10:30 AM

I should add that while it is a shame that breakfast is skipped I think pancakes are basically worse than no breakfast at all. You'd be better off nuking a hot dog.

Posted by daniel | May 8, 2008 10:32 AM

This is gross: w7ngman, please don't buy it. I'll make you real pancakes.

The worst part is definitely the "organic," and I agree that perhaps we need a new word for what that should mean. If something is an armored tank of packaging and shipped from across the country, you're not doing anyone any favors by buying it. The word "organic" does not mean "conscionable."

Posted by Aislinn | May 8, 2008 10:41 AM

A couple of people have mentioned it, and I agree; that looks like it would be awesome for camping.

Posted by motomotoyama | May 8, 2008 10:43 AM

If you're too lazy to make some damn pancakes than you shouldn't have kids in the first place. Kids require work, that's just the way it is.

Posted by SDizzle | May 8, 2008 10:43 AM

#33, I can make my own pancakes, and even aerate them with baking powder, but thanks. You can make me a sammich, though.

This is for the health food fiends, the natural-fabrics gang, and all those green-head environmental hustlers who stomp around in the "natural": Your key word is meaningless. Everything is natural. Everything in the universe is a part of nature. Polyester, pesticides, oil slicks, and whoopee cushions. Nature is not just trees and flowers. It's everything. Human beings are part of nature. And if human being invents something, that's part of nature too. Like the whoopee cushion.

-George Carlin

Same can be said for "organic".

Posted by w7ngman | May 8, 2008 10:47 AM

yeah, your water may boil....20 minutes later then when mine does.


But everything else you cook in the morn' is superb. so if I die soon DJ will have bacon and eggs taken care of, no problem.

Posted by Dan's Boyfriend | May 8, 2008 11:08 AM

@36: Except for things that are, you know, inorganic.

Posted by Jerod | May 8, 2008 11:18 AM

Dan @ Nr. 9:

Do those happen to be the hungover mornings? Cause it kind of sounds like it.

Posted by k | May 8, 2008 11:28 AM

@16: The wrong burner is the one that isn't on.

Posted by Gloria | May 8, 2008 11:31 AM

But how do they actually taste?...

Posted by You_Gotta_Be_Kidding_Me | May 8, 2008 11:32 AM

Yes, as Peter Walsh, the clutter king says, we reach for what's easy instead of what's good. This results in both clutter and obesity.

Posted by SeattleBrad | May 8, 2008 11:52 AM

#38, I wasn't saying everything in the universe was organic. I was saying that basically all food you can buy, even if it isn't labeled "organic", is in fact organic.

Posted by w7ngman | May 8, 2008 11:56 AM

I'm sure they taste nasty, but my kids would love this concept.

Posted by Westside forever | May 8, 2008 11:58 AM

No, some stuff is inorganic, @43. Basic science.

Here, have a bowl of crunchy granite.

Posted by Will in Seattle | May 8, 2008 12:12 PM

In other words, the USDA hijacked the word.

Posted by w7ngman | May 8, 2008 12:16 PM

#45, read much? Granite isn't food.

Posted by w7ngman | May 8, 2008 12:33 PM

All I'm saying is there is food out there that has a completely organic make-up in its final form, even though it was treated with, say, inorganic pesticides, but is not labeled "organic".

On the flip side, there is food that is NOT organic but is labeled as such, like organic salt. Salt is not an organic molecule.

Like I said, USDA hijacked the word.

Posted by w7ngman | May 8, 2008 12:40 PM

I actually use this stuff, and the primary reason is that you can make one single solitary pancake with it. No mixing bowl, no leftover dough,one quick and tasty pancake before I leave for work. I'm not an evangelist for it, but it suits my small purpose. It's a little surprising to me how much faux outrage something silly like this can generate, but it certainly proves some of us have more time than we think we do.

Posted by d | May 8, 2008 12:42 PM

Would be interesting to put the "Batter Blaster" on the wrong burner and watch it. Now that would be a blast.

It would end up looking like my kitchen though. I cook lots and cooking means mess.
Oooo that reminds me I have left over Pakoras from last night.
Thanks from another slog tipper named Brian.

Posted by -B- | May 8, 2008 1:04 PM

Disclaimer: I know the guy responsible for this (he was one of the owners of Thee Parkside, and a cool guy FWIW). We're not so tight I have any reason to endorse his product, though. ANYWAY...

This can will never replace the economy and simplicity of making pancakes. It would be ridiculous if homes all over America were filling their waste bins with empty aerosol cans when they probably already had 10lbs of every ingredient they needed to create something much, much better.

But here's the deal: I could have 2 pancakes, and the only thing I'd have to wash is a pan, ANYTIME I WANT. The batter is pretty decent too. A can of this is probably going to last me a year, and the chances of me having eggs and milk at home anytime I want a pancake over the next year = very, very slim.

Posted by Dougsf | May 8, 2008 1:07 PM

Shit, I should have read #49 first. What he/she said.

I hope non of the outrage here is from people greasing there homemade pancakes with PAM.

Posted by Dougsf | May 8, 2008 1:10 PM

The USDA didn't "hijack" the word. It wasn't the USDA, for starters, and the simple fact is that this word, like many, many others, has more than one meaning. There's organic chemistry (carbon compounds), organic disease (of organs), organic food (from organisms), and organic organizations, and several other meanings besides.

Gasoline is an organic compound. That doesn't make organic food a lie. Pretending otherwise is dumb.

Posted by Fnarf | May 8, 2008 2:15 PM

what i want to know is how is there fifty+ comments and NOBODY has said "my friend alithea talks about this shit all the time. it changed her life." BECAUSE I HAVE. AND IT DID.

nothing is more rewarding than an impulse pancake, guys.

Posted by alithea | May 8, 2008 2:35 PM

I know it has more than one meaning. This only adds to the comedic value of, say, organic salt. Read the George Carlin quote.

And I didn't say organic food is a "lie" (?).

Posted by w7ngman | May 8, 2008 2:41 PM

I was considering buying this for the kids to make when I sleep in after getting home from a birth. But then I flashed on a image of them using it like silly string while they were bickering over who would clean up. The little monsters will just have to eat cereal.

Posted by amazonmidwife | May 8, 2008 3:31 PM

Given the image this product conjures, maybe they meant to put "Orgasmic" on the label and it was just a typo.

Posted by Sheri | May 8, 2008 5:31 PM

Yes, I actually tried the fabled batter blaster! A friend of my roommate's dropped it off for us the other day and claimed that is the was one of the most awesome products he ever purchased. Well truth be told, it WAS kinda cool. I agree with Dan--making pancakes is super easy and why waste money on a gimmick--but the pancakes were airy and tasted quite good. I think it's worth trying once...but like Dan...I suggest you stick with the manual pancakes in the long run.

Posted by Tish | May 8, 2008 7:06 PM

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