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Monday, May 12, 2008

Maxine at Mother’s Day Brunch

posted by on May 12 at 10:00 AM


In honor of Motherís Day and the fact that my grandmother is the most awesome person I know, I decided to slow down on the free booze at brunch and ask my grandmother some questions.

Thereís my grandson! We never see you; why canít you come around once in a while? You can at least call. You have a phone, right?

I just saw you last week! How old are you now, Grandma?

Seventy-Eight dear. Oh my, what a horrible question to ask. Get out of here.

Come on, thatís not that old.

You know I was at church and Father was asking about you?

Come on, “Father” doesn’t even know who I am. I went to church with you when I was 13. There is no way he remembers me!

He Does! He asks about you, and some girl there asks about you, too.

No way.

You got a girlfriend yet? When you getting married? Are you making good money?

No. Never. No.

My friendís grandpa turned 100 today and threw a baseball at the Mariners game!

Does he play for them? Is he married?

No he doesnít play for them, but he is 100 years oldóhe got to throw the first pitch because he was turning 100. I have no idea if he is married, but he is a little old for you, donít you think?

Here, take five bucks. You know I always save five bucks for you. Take a nice girl out sometime. What about her? That girl right there.

Thatís the neighbor, and she’s, like, 14. Come on, whatís wrong with you? Stop pointing!

Girls look so much older these days. Maybe she has a sister?

So what number Motherís Day is this for you now?

Well letís see, I was born in 1930 and had Johnny when I was 18. So 1948 was the firstÖ I believe this is my 60th Motherís Day.

Wow thatís a shitload of Motherís Days! Excuse meÖ sorry!

Brayden! I should wash your mouth out with soap. You used to be so cute! What happened?

Sorry! So, who do you want to win the election?

Oh dear, I donít really care. Just get that damn Bush out! He is messing up the whole stinking world. We need women in chargeóthey are smarter and it is about time. You got a girlfriend yet? When you getting married? You need to meet a nice girl. Here, take five bucks!

Okay, no! I will be right back. Iím going to get a drink.

RSS icon Comments


We need more grandma interviews on Slog.

Posted by Uncle Vinny | May 12, 2008 10:47 AM

Sigh . . . I wish I still had a grandma. Thanks for that.

Posted by Levislade | May 12, 2008 11:07 AM

Hear, hear! Three cheers for Grandma!

Posted by An Interested Party | May 12, 2008 11:07 AM

Grandmas are great, I miss mine. Once when she moved to a new house we went over to help her unpack. Before she even opened the first box she somehow had orange juice and cookies out for us. I always used to go over to her house to watch the Kentucky Derby and we would bet on who would win. Then again, we would bet on the Miss America Pageant. Now that I think about it maybe grandma had a gambling problem, but at 13 who knows the difference. She was pretty blind, too. One time she called me in a panic to tell me my horse was being attacked. I went over to see what was wrong and it was just scratching itself on a tree. But she could always see if you had a stain on your shirt, even if it was tiny.

Posted by SDizzle | May 12, 2008 11:27 AM

The grandma I love is on her death bed right now. I wish my other grandma was. They're only relevant if they're funny.

Posted by Mr. Poe | May 12, 2008 11:31 AM

My Oma was the most awesomest grandmother in the world. She used to walk up to random men on the street and grab their junk and make vulgar remarks to them. How many people had grandma's that loved to grab random cock? Mine did. Fuck, I miss that crazy old bitch.

Posted by Samantha | May 12, 2008 11:50 AM

Your grandma rocks!

Posted by Gloria | May 12, 2008 12:03 PM

My grandmother gets nicer with every stroke she has.

Posted by Original Monique | May 12, 2008 12:06 PM

Makes me miss my Grandma. When she was young and single, she and her girlfriend drove from Seattle to Vancouver and they stopped at every bar along the way and had a drink.
This was back when drunk driving didn't exist.
She was a woman who always had cocktail hour every evening. I suppose it helped one get through the evening news.
She also made terrific angel food cake.

Posted by gfrancie | May 12, 2008 1:00 PM

I love your Grams! And love this photo too

Posted by KELLY O | May 12, 2008 4:31 PM

my grandma rosie (91) is in a home because she became way too difficult for my mother to live with anymore.( tv preachers blaring all day and night, refusing to use the toilet peeing in a bucket instead, and telling every other person they were surely going to hell ). her first night there the old dear church lady was about to get a bath from the evening caretaker, but she kicked her out of the room exclaiming " get your hands off me you bull dagger. i know the onliest thing you want is to come in here and play with my pussy ! "
god i miss that lady..

Posted by reverend dr dj riz | May 12, 2008 7:17 PM

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