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Friday, May 30, 2008

Clay Aiken Bangs a Baster, Now Official Breeder!

posted by on May 30 at 14:02 PM

I hate Clay Aiken because he makes me hate myself. That’s it in a nutshell. I look at that damn fool, all doughy and ginger and rather revolting, prancing around like a pixie on a hot plate, looking more and more like the maggot larvae love baby of Kojo and Roseanne and not having the faintest clue just how very irredeemably, grotesquely gay he’s being. Oh lord. Kill me now.

Indeed, when I scream at night, it’s because I dream that’s me. That I am Clay Aiken. A big clueless gay redheaded maggot creature. And often of a Saturday night, I just might be occasionally, dammit. I just might be. It’s my own secret hell.

So of course, I loathe Miss Aiken’s every action, his every gesture, his every breath. The, forgive me, “Clay-Mates” or what-the-hell-ever? His housewivish lesion of fans? (Yes, I said LESION.) Hell hath not enough hot razor blades to give those misguided freaks what they deserve for their crimes against humanity. Enough said.

Anyway. So of course it goes without saying that I can barely even form into words exactly what I think about the following happy Clay Aiken-flavored horseshit. Hold on to yourself. It gets real ugly, real fast.

Clay Aiken is going to be a father. You heard me.

Now, now, calm down! He didn’t have to go near a vagina or anything repulsive like that! (Eeeewww, gurl! Ga-ROSssssss!) To clarify, Clay Aiken is going to be a Turkey Baster Dad. As in, he, um, “inseminated” someone. Hang in there, we’re almost done.

According to an unfathomable report from something called “” (never heard of them), Clay Aiken has, after tremendous effort and much gay porn, somehow managed to squeeze enough wan and tepid man-juice out of those sad little Aiken nuts of his to actually knock up a real live…well, um, a woman. A woman called Jaymze. (I am not making this up.) And “Jaymze” is, holy Jesus, fifty years old. Which is kind of old. And Clay Aiken’s sad little sperm somehow wrestled down one of her 10,000 year old eggs, and life happened, and now the entire mess is —-even as we speak! —-dividing and squirming and forming the creature that will someday grow to be The Turkey Baster Heir of Aiken.

And Jesus wept.

It’s history you’re witnessing here. That’s what it is. And I may never sleep again.


(Thanks to Slog tipper Dan Savage.)

RSS icon Comments


So is that picture supposed to imply something?

Posted by heywhatsit | May 30, 2008 2:31 PM

Ew! Ew! and Ew!

Posted by Vince | May 30, 2008 2:34 PM

Look, I dislike the stylings of Clay Aiken as much as the average Capitol Hill Hipster...but translating that into actual hate of the person himself takes this way too far; methinks thou dost protest too much (as, I suppose, you were admitting to in the pretext of this posting).

Still, I've grown rather weary of the manifest hatred of "all things not us" in the prototypical Capitol Hill Hipster. It just crosses a line.

Diversity, plurality, live and let live. While you can claim to be doing just that, methinks that we who live in glass-houses, we who demand respect for our differences and march for the freedom to dance to our own beat at the very least ought to recognize that others might want to live comfortably in their own spheres, absent the mocking from us.

Further, to criticize an alternate form of conception in a forum that would certainly embrace such alternatives relative to gay couples who might want to do the same is short sighted.

To each his own; not just to be tolerated, but to be celebrated, so long as they are not harming the kids.

Posted by Timothy | May 30, 2008 2:40 PM

christ almighty

Posted by laterite | May 30, 2008 2:41 PM

I'm confused.

Posted by Lindy | May 30, 2008 2:44 PM

Kathy Griffin has a whole new monologue brewing as we Slog...

Posted by Spoogie | May 30, 2008 3:01 PM

Adrian, I strongly object to your characterization of yourself. If I may be so bold hon, you’re quick-witted, intelligent and deeply adorable. Your sense of humor is uuhh... unique. Clay Aiken is absolutely none of these things at all.

He’s what happens when there’s a 5 car pile up of white-trash ambition, mediocre talent, Britney Spears, pancake batter and Hostess cupcakes all wrapped up in a botoxed, closeted, flaming crępe.

Let's see some Adrian pride around here!

Posted by Original Andrew | May 30, 2008 3:02 PM

Why did you post a picture of my lesbian aunt from St Pat's last year?

Posted by Seriously. Why? | May 30, 2008 3:04 PM

"...a 5 car pile up of white-trash ambition, mediocre talent, Britney Spears, pancake batter and Hostess cupcakes all wrapped up in a botoxed, closeted, flaming crępe."

@7, simply brilliant.

Posted by DaiBando | May 30, 2008 3:08 PM

I love you Adrian! You will never become Clay Aiken - I won't let it happen!

Posted by Soupytwist | May 30, 2008 3:10 PM

He's the Jodie Foster of American Idol.

Posted by monkey | May 30, 2008 3:13 PM

I love you, Adrian. That was beautiful.

I can't wait for the Miracle of the Childbirth, and then the Miracle of the Infant's lifelong journey through insanity and self-loathing. "Mommy, is that my Daddy?"

Posted by Fnarf | May 30, 2008 3:16 PM

His manicured eyebrows just creep me the fuck out. The rest of him is fairly benign.

Posted by Snarky McSnarkerson | May 30, 2008 3:24 PM

Clay Aiken has nice hair.

Posted by mean spirited vitriol doesn't always equal clever writing | May 30, 2008 3:25 PM

Fnarf @ 12,

It'll be more like "mommy is that my other mommy?"

Posted by Original Andrew | May 30, 2008 3:28 PM

I completely forget about people like Clay Aiken until someone inevitably brings them up. I really wish you wouldn't.

Posted by Damien | May 30, 2008 3:36 PM

"fifty years old. Which is kind of old."

Isn't that kind of an understatement? fifty?

"Jaymze. (I am not making this up.)"
If you are not making it up, you might want to check your spelling, Googling;
Jaymze [and] Aiken
gets little of interest besides your post, try Jaymes Foster.

"Jaymes is definitely pregnant, that much is true," said B.J. Cook, the ex-wife of David Foster. "I can guarantee that it's not Clay Aiken's baby." thank God for that, I guess, but fifty is still a kind of old to be having a baby.

Posted by Epimetheus | May 30, 2008 3:38 PM

D-Listed is FAAAAABULOUS; much more entertaining than Perez Hilton...don't be hatin' cause of jealousy...

Posted by michael strangeways | May 30, 2008 3:47 PM

This is the best post I have EVER read on Slog! EVER!

Posted by Shilo Urban | May 30, 2008 3:53 PM

Adrian, you are awesome. If I were a 'mo I'd totally bang you.

Posted by wisepunk | May 30, 2008 4:18 PM

Jeez, Adrian, lay off the Red Bull for a few minutes. It will all be OK. After all, if Tom Cruise and turkey-baste his way to fatherhood, why can't Clay?

I do, however, doubt the wisdom of knocking up an antique baby factory instead of getting a fresh, new model. Hopefully the kid doesn't come out as dusty and wrinkly as the egg it came from.

Posted by montex | May 30, 2008 4:22 PM

I have two thoughts on this.

1) Why does he look like a less drug-ravaged Danny Bonaduce?

2) Why do redheads always, ALWAYS insist on wearing green? Don't they realize it makes them look like carrots?

Posted by Wolf | May 30, 2008 4:48 PM

love you, adrian. best slog post ever.

Posted by d | May 30, 2008 4:59 PM

Congrats - you're 24 hours behind things as usual.

Posted by Gaiken | May 30, 2008 5:16 PM

Looks like the lovechild of Barry Manilow & Elton John to me

Posted by jackseattle | May 30, 2008 5:22 PM

The grossed part about this post is that it attracted a Shilo Urban comment.


Posted by Ho Ho Ho Green Giant | May 30, 2008 5:26 PM

You know, aside from my comment @ 22, he also has sort of a Tilda Swinton vibe going there. Put a tierra on him and he could be Jadis from the first "Narnia" movie.

Posted by Wolf | May 30, 2008 6:02 PM

I sincerely hope you weren't an english major. Did you pass english in middle school? hmm.. didn't think so. Your grammar made my ears bleed to read it out loud. But I won't dream about it at night, because I have a life.

Posted by shawn | May 30, 2008 8:45 PM

just for the record, the chances of the pregnancy actually originating from her egg are quite low. she probably got the egg from someone younger, and the thing (or things--they do up extras, just in case) was made in a test tube before it (they) went into her uterus. ok, enough gynocology. you can go back to only thinking about the male sexual tract now.

Posted by ellarosa | May 30, 2008 9:07 PM

oh dear. Adrian, it looks like you've another stalker @ 24....tsk,tsk. tampon not big enough darlin'?

Posted by brandon | May 31, 2008 7:40 PM

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