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Set charges in an apartment building to blow it up to make room for some condos.

Posted by Graham | April 29, 2008 4:30 PM

1. Start grow operations in houses in the Rainier Valley.

2. Steal five Priuses in Queen Anne.

3. Do a drive-by on LaRouchies in the U District.

4. Carjack one of the Ducks on Lake Union.

5. Shoot down helicopters with a rocket launcher on top of the Space Needle.

Posted by Greg | April 29, 2008 4:38 PM

6. Run down naked cyclists in Fremont.

7. Steal art from galleries in Pioneer Square.

8. Taser bears in city parks.

9. Pee inside a Metro bus, assault the passengers, then hijack it and do a jump off the Viaduct.

10. Put together a posse to off a police sting at a nightclub in Belltown.

Posted by Greg | April 29, 2008 4:48 PM

J-hook a bicyclist on your way to closing a deal to raze the block that Neumos is on to build really banal condos, then speed across town to your giant, giant fucking private wedding in Gasworks park. Push a Vespa into a red zone to make room for you to park, and use their parking receipt stolen from their headlight. On your way to your honeymoon, kidnap Annie Wagner's cat and sign a Tim Eyeman petition. Whenever you're within 25 feet of a door, smoke.

Posted by elenchos | April 29, 2008 4:49 PM

#10: *fight off a police sting

Posted by Greg | April 29, 2008 4:50 PM

Jack the "Bears in a Bathtub" float from Pride07, and drive it down Broadway - where its supposed to be!

Posted by blank12357 | April 29, 2008 4:50 PM

Jack the Bears in a Bathtub float from Pride07, and drive it down Broadway - where its supposed to be!

Posted by blank12357 | April 29, 2008 4:52 PM

1. Get to Westlake Center.
2. Get to the top floor and get on the monorail.
3. Take the elevator to the top of the Space Needle.
4. Throw Clay Bennett off the rim.

Cutscene: Silhouette of Bennett's falling body against backdrop of Key Arena at sunset.

Posted by K | April 29, 2008 4:53 PM

1. Pick up posse at 23rd and Jackson.
2. Down to MLK.
3. Back to 23rd.
4. Up Union to Broadway.
5. Down Broadway to Taco Bell -- closed!
6. Back to Dick's; pick up girl; start a fight.

Posted by S. Ben Melhuish | April 29, 2008 4:56 PM

Hijack a Blue Angel during Seafair, and kamikaze it into the Viaduct.

Kill 100 pitbulls.

Posted by RJ | April 29, 2008 5:01 PM

#9 FTW...

Posted by High-Rise | April 29, 2008 5:08 PM

@9 i guess they'd have a pretty good idea of what soundtrack to use...

Posted by infrequent | April 29, 2008 5:09 PM

ps3? pfshaw.

Posted by some dude | April 29, 2008 5:19 PM

The Emerald City's corrupt mayor, Gregoire Quarters, has tasked you with eliminating a city hall informant who has been passing future development plans to neighborhood leader in Capitol Hill. As the identity of the informant is unknown, you'll have to tail the neighborhood leader.

Follow the neighborhood leader from Capitol Hill, keeping a discreet distance, to Westlake Mall where he'll board the Mono-Rail. Two problems will quickly present themselves.

First, you can't board the Mono-Rail without being noticed by your target and failing the mission. Thus, you'll have to beat the Mono-Rail to the Emerald City Center via other means.

Secondly, Critical Mass has taken over the city during your mission. You won't be able to use a car without hitting cyclists and attracting an undue amount of police attention.

Jack a bike from a passing cyclist and race towards the Center, avoiding the angry motorists intent on running you down. You must reach the center in less than 1:45 or you will fail the mission.

When you reach the other end of the Mono-Rail, follow the leader into the Center House and into the side offices where he'll meet the informant. Wait for the conversation to complete before taking out the informant. Hide the body in a recycling bin to complete the mission and receive $10,000.

Completing this mission opens up the Emerald City Seagulls mission tree and the biking side missions.

Posted by lol | April 29, 2008 5:31 PM

1. Get the rail gun in the VW bus under the Fremont Troll's hand.
2. Use the eye of the Fremont Troll (rotate counter-clockwise three turns then tap it with your fist, it pops out) to get a Jet Pack.
3. Use the Jet Pack to fly to the Fremont Rocket to get some Deely Boppers and a Glow In The Dark flying space helmet.
4. Fly on top of the Red Door, pick up the Red Door "lying" on the roof, to reveal a secret compartment with a Beer Bong.
5. Go to the Waiting for the Monorail sculpture near the Fremont Bridge and put the Deely Boppers on top of the Dog's Head.
6. This activates the Space Needle Restaurant glowing prismatic lights (looks like a disco ball effect).
7. Navigating by the lights, fly on top of the Seattle Grace Hospital next to the Space Needle, shoot the Interns next to the Medical Emergency Helicopter. Except for the underwear model, who gives you a container with a Heart in it.
8. Use the rail gun to shoot the chopper pilot.
9. Get in the chopper (the underwear model intern sits next to you).
10. Take off and have fun!

Note: the chopper will appear with the interns without this sequence, but the underwear model won't sit in the chopper with you if you skip steps, although you can still jack the chopper and steal the heart.

Posted by Will in Seattle | April 29, 2008 5:34 PM

Hijack the Monorail.


Blow up the Vviaduct.

Posted by Ben | April 29, 2008 5:43 PM

Hah. "80 words or less". Let's try that again.

Posted by lol | April 29, 2008 5:58 PM

I had a pretty good mission in mind but after reading #9 it's not even worth trying. Congrats to S. Ben Melhuish on his new copy of GTA IV!

Posted by eugene | April 29, 2008 6:02 PM

11. Disrupt a public design meeting in Greenwood.

12. Sell 40s of Olde English to homeless alcoholics in the CD.

13. Get signatures for Tim Eyman's latest initiative.

14. Call in noise complaints on a rival gang's club.

15. Blow up pigs around the city.

Posted by Greg | April 29, 2008 6:04 PM

And a super-special bonus mission:

16. Film a woman fisting herself on the Jimi Hendrix statue.

Posted by Greg | April 29, 2008 6:07 PM

Corrupt SPD officers hassle/arrest Protagonist until he submits to a meeting with the head of the evil Vulcan corporation. At the meeting protagonist is given mission to off at least 25 hookers strolling in a scheme to increase property values on Aurora Ave, the site of Vulcan's newest property purchase.

While completing the mission the protagonist must fight off the pimps associated with the Colacurcio mob

Posted by vooodooo84 | April 29, 2008 6:09 PM

After completing the Hooker killing mission protagonist double crosses the Vulcan corporation and takes a mission from the Colacurcio Mob to pick up 78 Dicks Deluxes for a Private party featuring the Emerald City Wifebeating Republicans the local football team.

Protagonist must get the burgers and return to the party at Ricks before the burgers get cold in 1:30.

Posted by vooodooo84 | April 29, 2008 6:16 PM

The final mission must involve a car chase down Aurora Avenue, over the Bridge and across a collapsing Viaduct as you enjoy the view.

Should you survive you must emerge victorious from a gun battle in the EMP which leads to the climatic final confrontation with The Vulcan on the Mono-Rail.

Posted by lol | April 29, 2008 6:20 PM

Get the shotgun from Capitol Loans, get the heroin from Swedish, travel to Lake Washington Blvd and E John, and kill the rock star. Inject him with the heroin and place the butt of the gun in his hand.

Posted by K | April 29, 2008 6:22 PM

Smoke a bowl, then steal a bike from a messenger and ride to city hall to hand out pot brownies to the Mayor's staff, all while armed to the teeth.

Posted by povertyrich | April 29, 2008 6:36 PM

Someone else beat y'all to it in 1988:

Crusin Broadway and my wheels spin slow
Rollin with your posse is the only way to go
The girlies by the college was lookin for a ride
We tried to pick em up but we had no room inside
We put em on the trunk we put em on the hood
Some sat up with the driver they made him feel good
The posse's gettin bigger there's much to many freaks
My muffler is draggin my suspensions gettin weak
Now the freaks are gettin hungry in Mix A Lot's treatin'
We stopped at Taco Bell for some Mexican eatin'
But Taco Bell was closed the girls was on my tip
They said go back the other way we'll stop and eat at Dick's
Dick's is the place were the cool hang out
The swass like to play and the rich flaunt clout

Posted by Lou | April 29, 2008 6:51 PM

After reading @9, I thought @14 was talking about Mix's personal trainer, Critical Mass.

@9 FTW!

Posted by Mike of Renton | April 29, 2008 6:52 PM

Shoot up 11th Ave.

Posted by Mr. Poe | April 29, 2008 7:39 PM

Execute 10 Starbucks baristas for failing to properly make you a extra hot, no foam, half soy half rice, three splenda, split shot grande in a venti cup latte. Mission is completed when you finally go to Vivace and get a good cup of coffee, and then have sex with the barista in your car. And steal the cash from their tip jar.

Posted by Tom C. | April 29, 2008 8:06 PM

Arrive on a ferry, walk under the viaduct. Bend over to pick up a weapon and have the viaduct colapse on top of you. End of the level.

I guess the special Seattle edition should last as long as the real game did. Until rockstar puts out an update I have a shiny 65 dollar coaster. Seriously, the 2 games I have tried on my brand new xbox both did the same thing. And I'm not the only one.

Posted by wisepunk | April 29, 2008 8:26 PM

I barely know what you are talking about with this GTA IV talk but, clearly, #9 has it NAILED.

Posted by kerri harrop | April 29, 2008 9:15 PM

Drive Ben Stein to the Discovery Institute. Voiceover consists of Ben saying things like "I think you just hit that police car." and "We should give those young ladies a lift".

Posted by GrubbStreet | April 29, 2008 9:41 PM

1. Blow dart pigeons;
2. Blow dart PETA organisers;
3. Collect $2000 reward.

Posted by Bento | April 29, 2008 10:14 PM

1. "Encourage" at least 20 citizens to sign for Tim Eyman's new anti-gay anti-tax anti-school anti-bus initiative.

1a. Hijack a Sound Transit bus to get the signatures to Olympia by deadline! Take tips from the happy riders on an ahead-of-schedule bus.

2. Kids from your hood are low on weed profits! Pump up those sales by feeding KOMO 4 a false news lead on rival gangs' weed being sold in non-renewable baggies. KOMO is here at the capital covering a state investigation into why rival KING 5's Lori Matsukawa's right eye is so huge.

Posted by The CHZA | April 29, 2008 10:35 PM

It pratically writes itself:
1) Wake up and waste time before work blogging about things you read on Slog the night before.
2) Drive to your soul-crushing corporate job and get stuck in traffic on the Eastlake off-ramp. Listen to John in the Morning on KEXP and wonder why your Drum and Bass band attempt in the 90's broke up and why you never hear from Steve (even though he still has your sampler, stupid twat).
3) Sit at your corporate job and attend various meetings. Resist urge to start screaming. Do not dwell on dark thoughts and generally try not to be petty and spiteful around coworkers who you don't agree with.
4) Grab lunch and take it back to office. Make assorted calls to friends and text message that guy/girl you've been flirting with on Myspace/Facebook/Manhunt/Craigslist.
5) Get off early to get drinks at some non-descript bar in Belltown with your Eastside coworkers who don't know any better. Call your friends to meet them on Capitol Hill and bemoan the loss of Pony. Make a plan to maybe go see some band at a new gallery, advising that you really shouldn't (It's a weeknight after-all). Return to work party. Have several stunted conversations with coworkers about the Sonics, the crappy weather and cats.
6) Get stuck in traffic on the Eastlake on-ramp. Curse and resist the urge to start shooting. Make a silent scream at the prius next to you.
7) Get home in some up-and-coming burb where you own a condo with an overextended loan. Quickly change and ponder the futility of your life for approximately 25 minutes.
8) Zip over to lower Capitol Hill and try to find parking. Circle the block a few times. 1/2 hour later, finally settle for paying one of those lots with king's ransom for evening costs. Sit in your car and wonder about the oncoming food shortage.
9) Sit in bar before friends arrive and text message guy/girl who won't leave their home because they're "mmm tired". Cajole them into ignoring you for the rest of the night. Order a double and wait for friends. Make eye contact with a hipster you've seen working at WholeFoods and wonder if you can carry off that hairstyle.
10) Get piss sloppy drunk before friends arrive and because it's early, drink more to keep up with them. When they attempt to leave, feel the rush of existence hitting you in the face as you crash to floor and black out.

Posted by yerbamatty | April 29, 2008 10:44 PM


Posted by Actual Size | April 29, 2008 11:03 PM

(80 words, you harsh mistress)

1. Use the fireaxe from the Red Door to cut the Fremont Rocket off the building.
2. Drag the rocket across the road and use the leftover rope you stole from an Aurora Bridge jumper to tie the rocket on Lenin's back.
3. Use the laser you stole from the Fremont Troll (in his eye) to light the rocket on fire, sending Lenin crashing into the Space Needle.

Posted by Will in Seattle | April 30, 2008 12:54 AM

final boss: fight squirrel man in his tree fortress.

Posted by skye | April 30, 2008 1:42 AM

bonus challenge: build monorail from dan savage's house to west seattle.

Posted by Eyks | April 30, 2008 1:44 AM

1. Blow up the Kingdome.
2. Threaten to blow up the Space Needle, making the mayor cancel New Year's Eve.
3. Vandalize 20 corporate storefronts during a downtown protest.

I guess those have all been done already in real life. Here's one that hasn't been (yet):

4. Throw Tim Eyman off of the Aurora Bridge and make it look like a suicide.

Posted by Mahtli69 in Tokyo | April 30, 2008 5:51 AM

5. Impale 20 pigeons in the skull with a blow dart

... crap, been done already

Posted by Mahtli69 in Tokyo | April 30, 2008 5:55 AM

i always wondered who pays to park there.

Posted by infrequent | April 30, 2008 8:37 AM

After being attacked by a pit bull, boil it alive and feed it to its (vegan, bicycle-riding) owner.

Posted by Levislade | April 30, 2008 8:39 AM

number 9... number 9...

Posted by winner | April 30, 2008 9:53 AM

I'm voting for number nine...

Posted by Linsey | April 30, 2008 9:59 AM

I'm waiting for the shitty PC port, but thanks.

Posted by w7ngman | April 30, 2008 10:02 AM

@12: "Baby Got Back".

Ironically, I don't own a PS3, so I'll arrogantly remove myself from the running. I like @28's, myself.

Posted by S. Ben Melhuish | April 30, 2008 10:03 AM

Hijack the SLUT and use it to run down a longboarder in a puka-shell necklace.

Posted by NapoleonXIV | April 30, 2008 11:09 AM

Hijack a Metro bus and make your way to the ferry terminal.

You must hit at least 10 bicyclists during your rampage. Bonus points will be given for dragging the victim further than 50 yards.

Jump the bus onto the ferry after it has set sail for Bainbridge Island.

Immolate the entire population of downtown Winslow with a flamethrower.

*on hard difficulty, you must kidnap the Pig on Parade from Pike's Place market and violate it in no less than two holes.

Posted by Ryan | April 30, 2008 11:18 AM

You spot one of the city's richest citizens walking out of his South Lake Union office/condo/Whore Foods building carrying a suitcase bulging with dollar bills. He gets into his black 1995 Ferrari 456 GT and heads north. You decide to follow him.

1. Go to Westlake Avenue and wait for a purple SLUT.

2. You see the SLUT hit a parked truck two blocks away, causing a traffic back up.

3. A "Critical Mass" rally passes as you're waiting for the SLUT to untangle from the truck. Steal a mountain bike from the tattooed messenger with the orange bag and ride up Westlake, avoiding the numerous cracks and falling masonry from the earthquake that has just begun - remember to watch out for the collapsing Space Needle at your six!

4. After the earthquake subsides, go to Westlake & Valley St. Jack a rowboat from The Center For Wooden Boats.

5. Follow the Ferrari as it travels north on Westlake; ditch the rowboat five minutes later at Alki Beach, by the tiny Statue of Liberty.

6. Jack the neon-pink pimped-out 2000 Honda Civic from a kid cruising Alki and continue following the Ferrari over the West Seattle Bridge and then up 99 towards downtown.

7. You lose the Ferrari as it pulls off the viaduct at Western Ave. Go through the Battery St. Tunnel, then pull off onto Dexter Ave.

8. Ram the Civic into the ugly sculpture in front of KING-TV; during the commotion, slip inside and make your way up to the roof. Jack the KING-5 traffic copter and proceed south over Belltown.

9. You spot the Ferrari illegally following a Metro Bus down 3rd Ave during rush hour. When it reaches the intersection of 3rd & Pike it stops, and you see a long metal tube extend out through a small gap in the tinted window. Suddenly, a pigeon across the street falls over with a needle through its head. The Ferrari races away.

10. You shadow the Ferrari to Pioneer Square, where it pulls into an underground parking garage just across the railroad tracks from Qwest Field. Land the KING-5 chopper in the North parking lot, get out, and run up the alley behind F.X. McRory's.

11. In the alley, follow the group taking the Underground Tour through the metal door and down the steps, then go left at the T-intersection instead of right, and follow the corridor until it emerges in the tunnel below King St. Station.

12. As you emerge into the tunnel, you see your quarry boarding the business class car of a Sounder train. Proceed to the engine, knock out the driver, and jack the train.

13. As the train speeds north beneath the viaduct, go to the passenger coaches until you find your target sitting in the lounge car - he'll be the one with the Double-vente soy Mochaccino. Grab the suitcase and run towards the back of the train.

14. As the train crosses the bridge over the ship canal, jump out a side-door, into the water.

15. As you break surface, an Argosy cruise ship will be approaching from your left. When they pull you aboard, proceed to the bridge, knock out the captain and jack the ship, taking it up the canal until you get to the locks.

16. As you berth in the lower lock, jump off the ship, and run up to Market St.

17. At the end of the parking lot you will see a Zip-Car stall, with a driver just getting out. Jack the Zip-Car and proceed to Aurora; be careful to not get behind the blue 1977 Lincoln Continental with the little old lady who can barely see over the steering wheel. It'll be the one with the left turn-signal on and the drivers' side seat belt dragging along the ground.

18. Pick up hooker at Aurora & 50th, then proceed into Woodland Park.

19. Have sex with the hooker in the Nocturnal Exhibit.

20. When finished, proceed to hideout, open suitcase.

21. Buy a professional sports franchise with your ill-gotten gains; move it to another state.

Posted by COMTE | April 30, 2008 11:59 AM

You know, I really really want this, but unfortunately for me, you don't have to read past entry No. 9 to find the winner. I know it, you know it, Zorack know it.

Posted by kid icarus | April 30, 2008 12:03 PM

GTA: EC would introduce a straight, hot main character having to go undercover and implant himself in the seedy gay underbelly of EC, going into bathouses, the back of the Eagle, and the cuff, offing the ex's of jaded muscle queens and fierce mafia-type divas with purple nail polish and shiny lips. And he'd have to put out by bending over, and it won't be blurred. He can uncover the city's scheme to rid the Hill of gay places (the pony/bus stop/manray block actually is a hidden burial ground!). There will be ghosts in the underground tour to fight off as a side quest, or to bump off junkies in pioneer square to get points and level up. And lock ness in Lake Washington.

Sigh, it sounds so good to me.

Posted by Jeff | April 30, 2008 12:37 PM

Get elected to Emerald City council. Consistently use your influence to table motions expanding greenbelt development while quietly softening restrictions on payday lenders. Also, kill a hooker. Dark irony bonus awarded if you bury her body in a P-Patch.

Posted by Stephen in Chicago | April 30, 2008 2:59 PM

Although #9 is excellent, it's just a rip-off of a Sir Mix-A-Lot song. Since he is from the greater Seattle area that helps a little. But he should at least be given credit...

Posted by UC | April 30, 2008 3:06 PM

@54: Ummmm... I think that you missed the point.

By a lot.

Posted by bma | April 30, 2008 3:19 PM

My vote?

High speed duck boat chase through the city. Your target? Tom Hanks.

Posted by bma | April 30, 2008 3:37 PM


@54 : throw away your ipod and your internets. YOU FAIL!

Posted by undu | May 1, 2008 9:15 AM

@57: Dude, be cool. It's all good.

Posted by S. Ben Melhuish | May 1, 2008 10:24 AM

@ 58: Don't call me dude.

Posted by undu | May 1, 2008 12:43 PM

Here we go! Gamezors!

1. Steal a bike from a fat kid
2. Take the bike to a gay bar
3. Take the seat off off the bike and let them ride the bike around inside of the gay strip club
4. Trade the bike for an ak-47
5. Go kill President Bush with the ak-47
6. Dance On president Bush's body
7. Laugh as your dancing on President Bush's Body
8. Use the bike with no seat as the get away vehicle

Then get lower gas prices!

Kind of wacky.. I know..

Posted by Jeremy | May 1, 2008 12:45 PM

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