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“You Must Be Getting the High Score”—A Review of Rez HD

Rez is a weird enough video game without its vibrator. The 2001 title sees you floating through a wireframe world a la Tron and blasting stuff with a gun that, when fired, produces the beats and sound effects of its trance soundtrack. In spite of its cult success, Rez was mostly brushed over at the time—particularly by American gamers. But a limited-edition Japanese release came with a “trance vibrator,” a corded bulb about the size of a computer mouse that was meant to pulse to the beat of the music, which, as stated above, is a central part of the game. Meant to make the title “immersive,” ya see. This is part of where the game’s cult appeal lies—horny bloggers made their Rez love public, and lord knows how many other gamers’ crevices and clits the game awakened.

The game didn’t need the gimmick—Rez was pretty wild and, as some sites have recently stated, ahead of its time. It was a forerunner to the now-huge music/rhythm game genre, and its trippy visuals managed to hold up over the years. So it was good to see the game return as a paid download over the Xbox 360’s Live service last week; upgraded for HDTVs and surround sound, the whole “float and destroy a computer’s innards” setup on Rez HD is overwhelming enough to win over my trance-hating heart. I’d be happy to run through why the game’s a treat (worth it for $10, simple for newbies, plays out like a slick short film), but I’m not daft—you want to know if the vibrator has returned.

Sure has, though the “trance vibration” option is buried in menus and must be re-enabled every time you power the game on. Sadly, you won’t find mouse-sized vibrators in Best Buy’s Xbox aisle, so the game turns your extra controllers—up to three—into bulbous, buzzy body-brators. Like so:


Har, har, but the buzzing wasn’t erotic so much as it was, well…immersive. Honestly—as the game becomes more frantic, it’s easy to get swept up going for a high score and dealing with tougher baddies, and the thumping of the bass through my body (one controller on back, one on stomach, one on feet) created near-synesthesia, the screen and sound getting the upper hand on my senses. I don’t plan on ever covering myself with controllers again, but something like a “rumble vest” could be cool for fighting games and such. And abused by pervs. Like my girlfriend.

She walked in when I first got the game, asked what the hell an extra controller was doing on my lap. I told her the setup, and she laughed, then swiped the thing. Cozied up on the couch, covered herself with a blanket. I lost track of her, as this was my first go-through of the game, but a few minutes later, I looked over and her face had glazed over. “Do you want me to stop playing?” She said nothing, didn’t move. “Um… do you want me to keep playing?” Her eyebrows twitched—as if a bug had landed on her. I kept at it, and then she became unusually giddy and jokey—“You must be getting the high score.” “These designers were trying to make a game that would get them laid.”

I asked her which Xbox game she liked more—Rez, or the new Burnout Paradise racing game I’ve been playing? “This,” she said without pause. So I revised the question—Rez, or girlfriend-friendly Katamari Damacy? This question was tougher; she paused. “Katamari, if that game buzzed every time [the Katamari ball] picked something up.”

Then we humped. Thanks, Rez! Review score: 10/10.

Comments (18)


Why is the picture of YOU?

Posted by Gloria | February 5, 2008 10:10 AM

Well shit. I just had my first real night of 'couples gaming' (after FOUR YEARS!) after I spent way too much money on Rock Band. Looks like I'm going to have to go spend MORE cash AND those drums won't be getting much use between us...

Posted by Juris | February 5, 2008 10:10 AM

I've never used a pick-up line, but I may invest in "I've got rez HD back at my place".

The girls will love area 5. it goes on for at least 30-40 minutes.

Posted by moreast | February 5, 2008 10:13 AM

@1: The GF absolutely refused to be plastered on Slog. I agree that her visage, as opposed to mine, would've been a vast improvement, but alas.

Posted by Sam M. | February 5, 2008 10:14 AM

Nice game review. No BS just the part about getting off.

Does this game make the ladies want to hump? Yes? 10/10.

Posted by drew | February 5, 2008 10:23 AM

@5 - nothing makes girlz want to hump like dr. mario.

Posted by mass effect-ed | February 5, 2008 11:09 AM

@4: I wasn't talking about her visage, unfortunately.

Is that a Pokemon pillow? It looks disturbingly familiar.

Posted by Gloria | February 5, 2008 11:13 AM

That's "The Cheat" from Homestar Runner

Posted by moreast | February 5, 2008 11:17 AM

You totally don't look higher than fuck in this pictures

Posted by meks | February 5, 2008 11:19 AM

Rez is a classic, for all the reasons listed above.

Posted by kid icarus | February 5, 2008 11:26 AM

@8: Thanks! I don't visit H*R as much as I should.

Posted by Gloria | February 5, 2008 11:30 AM

There needs to be more of us girls like that.

Posted by H.H.G.G. | February 5, 2008 11:36 AM

gotta love rez. short, sweet, perfect.

Posted by Cale | February 5, 2008 1:15 PM

I'm sorry, but your girlfriend will have to change her mind. This story needs her picture to be complete.

Posted by six shooter | February 5, 2008 2:07 PM

this was the Japanese TV ad for that game:


Posted by bzzzzzz | February 5, 2008 2:07 PM

I'm just glad Sam finally figured out how to turn his girlfriend on!

Posted by Fnarf | February 5, 2008 3:50 PM

A vibrator's way cheaper than an XBox and a Live subscription.

Posted by Greg | February 5, 2008 4:25 PM


But playing an intellectually stimulating video game while shlicking is more constructive. It's like sticking your pinky finger out

Posted by anonymous of victoria | February 5, 2008 5:32 PM

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