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Monday, January 28, 2008

Oh Mormon, My Mormon!

posted by on January 28 at 13:09 PM

When people often ask me—and oh, how they do ask me! —why I insist on hating and hating and HATING (OMG!!!) Mitt Romney—and picking on all things Mormon by extension—- when everyone knows that Mike Huckabee would gleefully wipe his Bible-beating butt with the Constitution and replace it with “JESUS JESUS JESUS!!!” written in the blood of homosexuals on a napkin if he were left alone for half a moment, I tell them, “Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!” and run away screaming like a little girl.

But there are reasons. And here is one of them:

Jeremy Stockstad, Champion of the Oppressed. Allow me to explain.

Mormons, as I understand them (and I understand them good and a-plenty) are an oddly kind, generally harmless, good hearted, and clean-livin’ sort of folk; Friendlier than a “Howdy-do!” and honest as an Indian head nickel. Of course they are insane, but so are you. So am I. So what. Mormons are whatcha call good apples, fly-not-hurters, and other jolly hyperbole. Please don’t make me say, “Some of my best friends are Mormons,” for it demeans us both, and this brings us to Jeremy. Jeremy was Super-Mormon.

In high school, Jeremy was a very close friend. He was loyal as an old spaniel and as Mormon as Moroni’s magic underpants. He was a huge geek. He didn’t care one whit that I was gayer than geese and had probably sold my soul to Satan (which were the persistent rumors, and at least half true). I loved him to pieces.

Shortly after his graduation (he was a few years my senior), my friend Jeremy—who volunteered for Special Olympics and collected for MDA and sang in the Mormon Choir with his Mormon girlfriend and NEVER missed a church service, by golly—said to me exactly these words:

“You know, Adrian? I’ve been attracted to guys all my life, and I can still look at another guy and say, ‘Yeah, he’s good looking’, but I love this church, it’s important to me, and I want to do it right, so…”

He was confessing, and digging of course, and I changed the fucking subject. I wasn’t ready to deal with it. Personal reasons.

Shortly thereafter, Jeremy skittered off on one of those predictable and insistent “Missions” that Mormons are always going on, and then he Josheph-Smithed his little LDS butt off to College in Utah. We lost touch, and that was that.

Three months ago I Googled him for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Holy Moroni!

Here is the story as best as I can piece it together: After college, Jeremy moved back to Montana and married a nice Mormon girl (also of my acquaintance—I know them all, I tell you) and before you could say “Golden Tablets!” they squeezed out a brood of Brigham-youngin’s. How nice. But one day Jeremy met an even nicer young man. (You see where this is going, don’t you?) They fell in love. (Exactly.) Jeremy’s beloved church, which allows for millions of extra wives but zero extra husbands, said, “Well, that’s lovely dear, see you in hell,” and his wife? Well. She grabbed up the kids and ran for the hills. Of course.

But that wasn’t all. She was angry. She was spiteful. (And who could fail to understand?) And being a good Mormon girl, taught that innocent buggery is a sin “worse than murder”, she went a little overboard and started to flex the dusty old muscles of “The Montana ‘Deviant Sexual Conduct Laws’” (that STILL somehow exist in that most backwards of States), in a frantic ploy to prevent Jeremy from ever seeing his children again—far be it from me to call any child’s mother a “heinous cow.”

Anyhoozits: Reacting to these gaily singular challenges, or so the story goes, Jeremy stepped so far out of character that he could have fallen off the edge of it. He came flying out of the closet in a determined, very public, and media-rich spectacle. He marched on the State Capitol, roused rabble with the Montana Supreme Court, and shook lapels in the legislature! He scored protesty interviews with local news stations and write-ups in the rags. He hired lawyers. He testified at teary hearings. I don’t know if he ever got to see his kids again, or what the final outcome was (the story trails off…), but, wow. Quiet, polite, thoughtful, geeky, honest, girlfriend-having, big Mormony Jeremy—thundering at The Man, champion of civil rights, fighting for his children and the basic dignity of h’mos everywhere! I was so proud. So proud.

AhhMormons. God love ‘em.

But then the season changed, politics happened, and Mitt Romney blew into the picture like The Devil’s Sunday morning breath, hard hair a-gleaming, demanding to Rule the Free World and hankering to kick some Mexican ass. When I finally started paying attention (let’s be frank, mostly I just cling to my bong and try to forget global warming), I thought to myself, “THIS is a MORMON? You jest.” I looked at him and remembered poor Jeremy, fighting so hard against his entire religion, his family, his rearing (so to speak) and the government to get them to do the simple, decent thing. I thought of the other four million Mormons I’ve known (many of which turned out to be big fags too, for reasons that go far beyond the scope of this work) and I compared them to the helmet headed Anti-Christ I saw on TV that was accusing John McCain in the most scathing of tones of giving “amnesty” to disenfranchised foreigners in need, and swearing that he would NEVER but NEVER (How DARE you?) do anything so basic and humane as that. Amnesty! Jesus wept.

Yes, Huckabee is evil, of that there is no doubt. No question. But we know exactly what to expect from him—he’s very vocal about it. But Romney. Romney. There is something seriously insidious and disturbing about that man—especially for a Mormon. And if a Mormon—a MORMON!—can go as totally rotten as Mitt Romney so clearly has—with his blinding will to power, relentless dishonesty, and streak of corruption so mean it could startle Satan’s accountant’s cat—-well. Something has gone seriously, seriously wrong with that Mormon. Seriously wrong, indeed. And I pray that the freaky American Jesus save us all from it.

I’ll say nothing further.


RSS icon Comments


So super awesome. Thank you, sir!

Posted by tomasyalba | January 28, 2008 1:17 PM

Very personal account. Spot on!

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 28, 2008 1:21 PM

Adrian, I love you a lot.

Posted by Lindy | January 28, 2008 1:21 PM

I'm so glad my parents ditched the Mormon church when I was 3. They're hardcore liberals now. Good thing - having a gay son wasn't so much of an issue for them (in that it wasn't an issue at all... my mom's bugging me to find a nice boyfriend).

Family reunions are interesting, though.

Posted by HJB | January 28, 2008 1:22 PM

Best slog post of 2008.

Posted by Mr. Poe | January 28, 2008 1:25 PM

That is so freakin' awesome. Adrian, this may be your best post ever.

Posted by Hernandez | January 28, 2008 1:27 PM

That is so awesome. Much kudos to Jeremy, and thank you for articulating (as it were) why Mitt Romney is not one of the wacky Mormons I love to pieces.

Posted by Jessica | January 28, 2008 1:30 PM

This post made me so sad. Coming out blows for a lot of us, but I can't imagine the pressure of knowing that if you tell one person "I'm gay" once, that you have to give up your whole life - your family, your home, everything you've ever known. Of course there's a new life out there that's a thousand times better, but still. I'm surprised mormon closet cases aren't just exploding and going fucking postal all the time.

Posted by skweetis | January 28, 2008 1:31 PM

See Golob? No need to spend hours on a Slog post. Just bang out one like this before your Americano has time to cool.

Posted by elenchos | January 28, 2008 1:33 PM

You are a god-damn evil genius and treasure of humanity, Mr. bong-clingin' Ryan, and this is among the evidence that will be used in supporting the case for a gilded statue of yourself, bong in hand, atop a very tall building or hill at some point in the distant future.

Posted by mike | January 28, 2008 1:35 PM

The difference is that Romney is a businessman first and foremost. The anti-gay stuff will disappear the instant he's elected, because he won't need the kooks anymore, and every businessman knows that being anti-gay is bad for business (most sensibly-run companies have some form of partnership benefits, for instance).

Huckabee on the other hand is a true believer through and through who would be PROUD to junk the economy, or anything else, as long as Jesus is being properly venerated.

Posted by Fnarf | January 28, 2008 1:36 PM

Lovely post! Well done.

Posted by Ziggity | January 28, 2008 1:39 PM

Being from New England I'm kind of with @11 ...

Likewise he still doesn't have my vote ...

Posted by OR Matt | January 28, 2008 1:47 PM

Well put Fnarf @11. Romney blows with the wind, but Huckabee has his feet firmly planted in Crazy Town.

Hard to decide who to hate more, but luckily for me, I don't have to.

Posted by Julie | January 28, 2008 1:50 PM

Mine either, to clarify -- Romney's a pig and a hypocrite. But a hypocrite is always preferable to a True Believer.

Posted by Fnarf | January 28, 2008 1:51 PM

First off, it's Moroni, not Maroni.

Second, as a "recovering Mormon", I completely agree with you about Romney. I don't understand why other Mormons aren't freaked out by him.

Posted by stacy | January 28, 2008 1:55 PM

Atheists are pure. We are above anyone who believes in any God. This is something I truly believe. They are not equal, and they are not our friends. They are our enemies.


Posted by Mr. Poe | January 28, 2008 1:56 PM

What about the nihilists Mr. Poe?

Posted by OR Matt | January 28, 2008 1:59 PM

My wife grew up Catholic in a very Mormon town. One of her favorite uses of a certain social site (that I won't mention, because I work there) is to find all of the Mormons she knew who have come out of the closet since high school.

Posted by Mike of Renton | January 28, 2008 2:01 PM

Is it me ... or do more people have to come out of the closet in more contraversial families ... whereas families that wouldn't give a shit, everyone SEEMS to come out straight?

Posted by OR Matt | January 28, 2008 2:04 PM

Or maybe I'm just really niave ...

Posted by OR Matt | January 28, 2008 2:05 PM

Nihilists have been O.K.'d. And Greg gets off on a technicality that I will never explain because I have the astonishing ability to not have to explain myself. Because I'm too fucking cool for school. And the Space Needle. But not asthma.

Posted by Mr. Poe | January 28, 2008 2:05 PM

Adrian, I love you. Don't ever stop.

Posted by Dade | January 28, 2008 2:20 PM

I'm a recovering Mormon too and while I dislike Mitt, I would much rather have him run the country that Huckabee. Huckabee is pure evil.

Actually, the thought of either one of them as President makes me sick. Let's change the subject!

Hey, good post Adrian. Look up your old friend! He sounds amazing!

Posted by Suz | January 28, 2008 2:21 PM

Actually my home state of Montana invalidated those deviant sexual whatever laws in 1997. But the legislators refuse to take them off the books for "symbolic reasons." But you cant be prosecuted for them anymore. Had a few friends that were registered sex offenders because they were arrested under those laws though for being gay.

Posted by Hunter | January 28, 2008 2:21 PM

Adrian, you are officially my favorite.

Posted by Hiro | January 28, 2008 2:22 PM

Nice one, Adrian.

Posted by Sweeney Agonistes | January 28, 2008 2:45 PM

I forgot to mention that I'm a recovering Mormon as well. BTW, is there an easy way to get excommunicated? My grandpa knocked up his local bishop's wife, but I'm afraid that isn't an option I'd consider.

Posted by Mike of Renton | January 28, 2008 3:01 PM

At the risk of becoming just another redundant groupie, that was fantastic. I'm going to have to find a way to work "Brigham youngin's" into a conversation very soon.

Posted by acolyte | January 28, 2008 3:02 PM

OR Matt@20: You are not the only person to have noticed this. God is an ironist, and rewards homophobic communities with especially large numbers of gay children.

Posted by Rob | January 28, 2008 3:05 PM


And, yes, all mormons are gay. Or adorable guys who give off a strong bi-vibe. Or my ugly mean uncle.

(Admittedly, my sample is somewhat limited.)

Posted by Cate | January 28, 2008 3:25 PM

Mike, I think you'll probably have to go to a bishop and confess to something like doing drugs, paying for an abortion, or never paying your tithing. They'll schedule you a hearing, but you can skip that and it should go through.

Or, tell your MTC leader how many blowjobs you got in high school, they'll have you on a plane home within hours...

Posted by Abe | January 28, 2008 3:28 PM

@28: You can resign. See

Posted by abpend | January 28, 2008 3:31 PM

OMG Adrian you're from Bozeman too?

Posted by hawk | January 28, 2008 4:42 PM

About a third of the gays I know are mormon and vice versa. One is even a "Diversity Manager."

Posted by what I have noticed. | January 28, 2008 6:08 PM

Nice Adrian, just plain nice post.

You can write, do it more often.

Heart and soul. Your life, your observations. I will read it every time.

Nice, nice.

Posted by Raphael | January 28, 2008 6:10 PM

Nicely written Adrian. Probably the best argument I've heard yet to vote FOR Romney.

I mean honestly, if a shrieking little fag like you hates him, he can't be all bad.

Posted by MT | January 28, 2008 7:23 PM

Some scientific study showed that big families produce more gay sons (I saw this on the Colbert Report, therefore, it must be true). That may explain all the closet cases among religions that believe in having lots of kids and/or disapprove of birth control.

Posted by lost in dc | January 28, 2008 7:30 PM

I like Mormons up to the point they try and convert me. After that, not so much. Seriously, though, their missionaries aren't nearly as obnoxious as Baptists, but still pretty annoying.

Posted by Y.F. | January 28, 2008 7:51 PM

Mormons seem to be harsher on their family than anyone else. Outside of their family they are perfectly happy and content with the fact that YOU are going to hell. Once Mormans do their mission work, it's like they feel that they are done prothsletizing.

Posted by OR Matt | January 28, 2008 8:56 PM

OR Matt. Not so sure about that... my cousin lives in Vegas and the other day told a hilarious story (one of those we can laugh about it now stories) about how a few weeks ago their Mormon friends (well, ex-friends) had them over for dinner.

The missionaries/conversion posse just happened to "stop by" and it turned into a full-on tent revival attempt to convert him and his wife. Personalized. Like, just for them.

He also talked about another friend, who's gay and going through the process of being ex-communicated. So, 28, that's always an option.

Posted by Julie | January 28, 2008 9:38 PM

Sandwiched between 2 mormon missionaries, intent on converting me to Mormonism during a flight from NY to Salt Lake City, I decided to go for the throat. I pulled out a copy of Anne Rice's The Witching Hour from my carry-on, and spent the better part of 2 hours extolling the virtues of demons and the Mayfair witches. After that, I proudly showed them my "voodoo" ceremonial necklaces.
What followed was a beautiful, sweet and very welcomed silence. A state of bliss for the remainder of the flight.

Posted by Babs-ra | January 28, 2008 10:18 PM

Best. Post. Ever. I have gay Mormon friends too. What's the deal with all them goin' queer?

Posted by Lisa | January 28, 2008 10:28 PM


One of the working theories right now is that the more older brothers a boy has, the more likely he is to be queer. The idea is that the mother's body builds up a resistance to the male hormones in the fetus and start trying to attack them, and by eliminating them feminizes the fetus.

I'm not sure how that would explain me and my older sisters... but c'est la vie.

Posted by Phelix | January 28, 2008 11:30 PM

Many years ago - I was one the BEST Mormon missionaries in the entire system. Yep, bragging now.

Have not been in the Church in over 20 years, as to why all the gay men .... well they make such a deal about premarital sex, fucking your buddy is logical. Hand jobs and blow jobs are SOP, talk to a Mormon girl at BYU.

By the way, there is really no hell in Mormonism, except for a very few; NO one on Slog would be there. Heaven awaits all of you, be assured.

Ezra Taft Benson ruined the Mormon church with right wing politics. Such a shame.

I support Edwards, and Mitt is not the ONE.

Posted by jason the infrequent poster | January 28, 2008 11:43 PM


This was absolutely awesome.

Posted by Donolectic | January 28, 2008 11:49 PM

@41 I don't know why, but the University of Oregon chemistry department seems to have quite the assembly of Mormans. Who knew. I attribute it the family friendly atmosphere. But given that they are the minority, they seem to keep a low profile. Oregon is supposedly the least religious state in the country, but just listening to those that ARE religious, one would think otherwise. As a matter of fact, before coming to the West Coast from the Northeast, I used to think that the whole church thing was something that some people do in their free time that doesn't seem to affect to real life. In fact, religion to "religious people"... it was about as significant to real life as your participation in your recreational basketball league. Coming to Oregon, those people who ARE religious ... it seems that it has to have EVERYTHING to do with their real life, like they are overcompensating for us heathens. Even though it's not as bad as Southeast, my first impression was that it actually was that way. I find it infuriating how people can let it consume their identiy. The mormans just seem to be nicer for whatever reason than most denominations, definetly have seen more drama from Jehovah's witnesses.

In all honesty ... yeah I don't like Mitt Romney, but I feel bad that he has to kiss ass to all these religion is all life and all morality people. He wouldn't have even been elected in Mass in the first place if he truely felt that way.

Posted by OR Matt | January 29, 2008 9:07 AM

Be careful, Adrian!

This slog was dangerously close to sane.

(Seriously, thank you.)

Posted by MLeaver | January 29, 2008 9:42 AM

mt @ #37:
adrian isn't that little, I couldn't walk for a few me!

Posted by lil guy | January 29, 2008 12:05 PM

So I'm a Recovering Mormon Poofta as well. To my shock, my conservative LDS family down in Orange County, CA (one of the last bastions of republicanism in southern california) are going for Obama. Romney "gives them the creeps".

Truly there *is* a God. Or something.

Posted by Alex | January 29, 2008 5:45 PM

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