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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

John McCain for President

posted by on January 30 at 14:36 PM

I want a Democrat to wake up in the White House on the morning of January 21, 2009, just as much as the next commie pinko faggot. But I was thinking about McCain today, and stressing out about the chance that he might win, and then… well, this fantasy played out in my mind…

John McCain hates George W. Bush—still. He’s gotta, in his heart of hearts, deep down inside, after the supremely dirty way George W. Bush knifed him in South Carolina back in 2000. (Bush surrogates attacked McCain’s daughter, a Bangladeshi orphan McCain adopted with his wife, claiming she was McCain’s interracial love child.) McCain, a victim of torture during his years as a POW in Vietnam, watched helplessly as Bush, Rumsfeld, and Cheney made torture—excuse me, “harsh interrogation techniques”—official U.S. policy. He watched helplessly as Rumsfeld and Bush screw up the war, refusing to put more troops on the ground in Iraq, while that country descended into civil war. And now, five years into the war, he has to watch George W. Bush do a victory dance in the end zone because, hey, his totally genius idea—the surge—is working! Because putting more troops on the ground tamped down the violence—no one could’ve predicted that!

Anyway… so the Dems nominate Hillary, and McCain, with an assist from the worshipful media, scoops up independents and some of the Dems he romanced back in 2000, and with Huckabee as VP manages to pull in the Agents of Intolerance vote. And John McCain is sworn in as our 44th president. His first official act? End torture as official U.S. government policy. His second official act? Give a still Democratic-controlled Congress every goddamn piece of paper it wants. Welcome every subpoena, and throw open the archives of the Bush White House. Torture. Renditions. Domestic spying. Politically-motivated prosecutions. Cronyism.

Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Gonzeles, et al, got away with breaking the law—flagrantly, repeatedly, gleefully—because they bet that the country didn’t have the stomach for another impeachment. And we didn’t. But once the bastards are out of power… gee… maybe the country will have the stomach for a mess of indictments? And trials? And convictions? And long prison terms?

And McCain… a rule-of-law man… an opponent of torture… won’t have to lift a finger. He’ll just have to honor subpoenas and get the hell out of the way. And then he’ll get to see George W. Bush and Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld and Alberto Gonzeles and John Yoo all packed off to jail. And when they come crying to him for pardons and commutations, John McCain can put his daughter on the line—his adopted daughter—and let her scream, “Rot in prison and die, you miserable sacks of shit!” into the phone.

It’ll be McCain’s way of making amends to his daughter—and the country—for this:


RSS icon Comments


Yeah, that's likely.

Posted by Jerod | January 30, 2008 2:40 PM

If it comes down to Obama vs. McCain I would be a happy camper. I think it's a win win situation.

Posted by Rotten666 | January 30, 2008 2:44 PM

I'd vote for McCain over Clinton in that scenario. Heck, I'd probably vote for McCain over Clinton in most scenarios.

Posted by bma | January 30, 2008 2:44 PM

Wow, there really is no questioning the richness of your fantasy life.

Posted by monkey | January 30, 2008 2:48 PM

If Huckabee's the VP, I sure hope as hell they'll use everything he's said in SC and in other parts of the South against him to help the Republicans lose.

Posted by apres_moi | January 30, 2008 2:49 PM

I didn't think that 50% more deaths than in December, and only 3 benchmarks met means that the surge is working. Am I missing something? I guess that isn't the point of this post, but still wondering. Otherwise, Dan I like where you're going w/ this.

Posted by yearning | January 30, 2008 2:49 PM

Obama/McCain are the best of both parties. And for the Republicans, that's not saying a lot.

Posted by NaFun | January 30, 2008 2:50 PM

you lost me at "with huckabee as his VP." otherwise sounds good to me!

alas, i wouldn't count on the democratic congress taking a principled stand like that. but hey, a girl can dream.

Posted by brandon | January 30, 2008 2:52 PM

Hug it out!!

Posted by Jimmy Legs | January 30, 2008 2:52 PM

Once you've gone Bush, you can never be redeemed.

McCain is the Bob Dole of the 21st Century.

Feel the Blue Tidal Wave - it's a comin fer ya!

(sure hope Dan ain't gonna do another of his Vote GOP and the magical war fairy will fix everything punts ...)

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 30, 2008 2:52 PM

The way that evidence seems to be constantly "disappearing" in this administration, I don't think this is likely.

Posted by Mike of Renton | January 30, 2008 2:54 PM

I like McCain...he seems like a good guy. For that matter, President Giulani wouldn't have upset as much as President Huckabee or President Romney.

And, we need to remember that not all Republicans are scumballs...that's only one branch of the party. and the biggest scumballs, (Cheney, Rumsfeld, Fox News, Gingrich, Ann Coulter) tend to be lurking in the background anyway and cause more damage than the puppet Republican in charge.

Posted by michael strangeways | January 30, 2008 2:56 PM

A fantasy indulged is a fantasy destroyed. But I'll make an exception in this case.


Posted by RHETT ORACLE | January 30, 2008 2:56 PM

The first part, a clear and immediate stop to torture, is a mortal lock under President McCain and more likely with him than any other potential president.

The second part? Not really likely, but since HRC is likely to try to claim all those executive powers for herself, McCain's more likely to do it than she is.

The nexus of executive power, civil liberties, and torture is one of the key differentiators between Obama and Clinton, since on other policy matters they seem so similar.

Posted by MHD | January 30, 2008 3:00 PM

It'd be swee-eet.

Posted by Christin | January 30, 2008 3:02 PM

yeah, and then McCain drops dead five months into his term and we get Huckabee for the next 3 and 1/2 years. That is my current nightmare.

Posted by gnossos | January 30, 2008 3:04 PM

Gotta admit, if it comes down to Clinton *or* Obama vs McCain, I'll have to do a lot of thinking. If McCain doesn't get the GOP nod, I'll most definitely be voting Dem, regardless of the candidate.

But the thought of Huckabee as the veep scares me. What if he goes all Cheney and starts running the show?

Posted by Wolf | January 30, 2008 3:04 PM

I've had similar thoughts. I'm voting Dem regardless of the nominee, but McCain has always struck me as the most rational of the big name Republicans.

Sure he's been kissing Bush's ass for the last few years, but that always seemed more like a decision born from utilitarianism rather than one that came from a religious-type conversion. He did the right thing when it came to condemning torture and voting against the Bush tax cuts. And considering the spasms of indignation he elicits from the Right Wing nutjobs, I think we could do a lot worse.

Posted by Gurldoggie | January 30, 2008 3:05 PM

cept for huckabee i'm down...mccain would be a good president for indian people, much better than hillary. obama is currently co sponsor for the indian health care improvement he wouldn't be too bad either. if clinton gets the nomination i'm voting for mccain and hope his old liberalism will come back

Posted by Jiberish | January 30, 2008 3:06 PM

My gravest objection to McCain is that he's vowed to put judges in the mold of Scalia and Thomas on the Supreme Court. Stevens is getting old. I'm thinking he's holding out right now, and won't step down with Bush in office, but he'll step down during the next president's first term. The Supreme Court is one of the most lasting ways a president can shape the country.

The other objection I have to McCain is that he's only one man. He might feel certain ways about certain things, but he has to have a VP, and cabinet members etc etc and most if not all of them are going to be Republican. That means a continuation of an EPA that supports polluters for starters.

McCain will be better than Bush, but that's setting the bar awfully low.

Posted by arduous | January 30, 2008 3:11 PM

Added bonus: maybe the fact that so many wooly-headed sloggy liberals and degenerate homa-seck-tuals think he's not horrible will cause apethetic Rs to stay home on election day!

Posted by chi type | January 30, 2008 3:12 PM

Dan- let's not find out. Clinton/Obama 2008!

Oh, and it will be McCain/Giuliani not McCain/Fuckabee.

Posted by Big Sven | January 30, 2008 3:16 PM

I feel that if it does end up being McCain vs. Clinton or Obama that it would be a tough race. There is a good chance we can end up with another republican president. This seems to be something the masses aren't worrying about, but it seems frightening to me.

Posted by Sil | January 30, 2008 3:17 PM

Third official act.... croaking?

Posted by w7ngman | January 30, 2008 3:17 PM

First off, the only way to get more troops on the ground is to enact a draft, so it is idiotic to chide Bush for this. The war in Iraq was never winnable. Second, I can see you are still for the Iraq War, why else would you be stumping for McCain? McCain stated that there will be more wars, and he could foresee us in Iraq for a thousand years. Yes McCain is against torture I guess, but is not getting shot like torture? Is not seeing your friends and family dead like torture? I think McCain is more committed to our imperial policies than he is for seeing Bush tried as a war criminal for a war in which he supports. I can see your paper is going to endorse McCain for those that will vote Republican, when if fact any rational person that wants peace should vote for Paul. I know Paul is a racist, but what is worse? A racist war in Iraq, or an old newsletter? The only crime the Iraqis committed on 9/11 was being brown Arabs living on a sea of oil. I wish Americans could see we can not afford our Foreign policy now, instead of after the coming depression turns us into a third world country.

Posted by . . . . | January 30, 2008 3:31 PM

That guy really needs to get a spray tan or something.

Posted by keshmeshi | January 30, 2008 3:34 PM

Aside from the thought that if McCain did win/does win that I'll finally learn enough French to live full-time with my wife in Quebec, away from loser America, aside from all of that, it's a pretty soothing thought. Thanks for that, Dan.

Posted by sheila | January 30, 2008 3:36 PM

We know Hillary doesn't have the stones to expose any Bush shenanigans -- that would make her look petty and vengeful.

Posted by W., Cheney, and Rummy | January 30, 2008 3:37 PM

Under no circumstances should anyone who believes in progressive values vote for McCain over Clinton. Period.


Posted by Matthew | January 30, 2008 3:38 PM

You're scaring me, Dan. Are you rationalizing President McCain as some sort of positive outcome so as to make it easier for you to take your place among the McCain-loving, Hilary-hating mainstream press corps? (See, e.g., Chris Matthews, Tim Russert, Maureen Dowd, Frank Rich, David Broder.) Take a deep breath. McCain has only one unwavering commitment: to permanent war. Hilary would be so much better it's crazy to even contemplate a Republican - any Republican - alternative.

Posted by bobbo | January 30, 2008 3:40 PM

Well, we know McCain will keep the troops in Iraq for another ten years, as well as keep building all seven permanent military bases ...

Um, like there's a choice?

Like I said, ain't no Red getting in the White House bed!

Posted by Will in Seattle | January 30, 2008 3:41 PM

hmm, what about Clinton McCain 08? I'd have to think that'd beat a Romney Huckabee ticket any day. And with the Dem majority safety mat in congress, why not throw out an olive branch on the executive ticket?

Not that McCain's THAT much of a maverick. That'd take some real balls.

Posted by dbell | January 30, 2008 3:43 PM

I don't think McCain is as liberal, or even as independent, as some on the left would like to think. He's really changed his tune on taxes since '00, for instance, when as I recall he opposed Bush's tax-cut proposal. And even if, in his heart of hearts, he hates the Bushies, he'd still have to keep the values voters happy for '12. And he's pretty hawkish. Better than Romney, maybe, but still not good.

Posted by A in NC | January 30, 2008 3:55 PM

Anyone who buys into the myth that McCain's some sort of maverick, rational, "liberal" and votes for him will deserve what they get just as much as they did when they supported GWB in 2000. McCain talks a good talk on torture, but then he rolls right over on it. People like him because he seems like he'd offer you a Worther's Original.

Posted by spencer | January 30, 2008 3:56 PM

Apropos of nothing, I cannot stand Obama and, as a lifelong democrat, I would rather vote Republican than vote for him. Even if it meant voting Romney- though I would certainly be able to better face myself in the morning if it were McCain.

Posted by dewsterling | January 30, 2008 4:02 PM

Apropos of nothing, I cannot stand Obama and, as a lifelong democrat, I would rather vote Republican than vote for him. Even if it meant voting Romney- though I would certainly be able to better face myself in the morning if it were McCain.

Posted by dewsterling | January 30, 2008 4:02 PM

Apropos of nothing, I cannot stand Obama and, as a lifelong democrat, I would rather vote Republican than vote for him. Even if it meant voting Romney- though I would certainly be able to better face myself in the morning if it were McCain.

Posted by dewsterling | January 30, 2008 4:02 PM

Here's my wild, off-the-wall fantasy. Barack Obama gets elected in 2008. Upon inauguration, right after he is confirmed as president, he invites Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Yoo and Gonzales to the Oval Office and once they're in, pulls out an Uzi and wastes them all. Then he pardons himself.

The only thing that would fuck this up for me is that Nancy Pelosi, who is too much the Democratic invertebrate to do anything about Bush's contempt for the law; his signing statements, his usurpation of power and all of the other impeachable offenses that he has committed might actually act on impeaching President Obama after he gunned these morons down. Her fellow invertebrate in the Senate, Harry Reid, would probably go along with her too.

Posted by wile_e_quixote | January 30, 2008 4:05 PM
Anyway… so the Dems nominate Hillary, and McCain, with an assist from the worshipful media

So you're saying Hilary would lose to McCain. But not Obama.

Posted by Non | January 30, 2008 4:30 PM

I think McCain would pardon Bush etal. He would cite Gerald Ford's decision saying that unity is more important, especially while we are at war. He's always been loyal to the party; I don't see that changing.

Posted by MrEdCT | January 30, 2008 4:34 PM

McCain is nuts. He is NOT a nice old man.
But of course, the Dems are lame, so we have a Hobson's choice here.

Posted by isabelita | January 30, 2008 5:35 PM

That must be incredible pot, Dan, if it's got you thinking McCain would be a good deal. And McCain/Huckabee? Incredible. I hope you weren't driving.

Yes, McCain would do something about torture, which would be good. But he'd also send another 100,000 troops to Iraq, and probably attack Iran as well. He's got a serious hardon for war that even Bush can't match, not after Bush's five-year failure.

And there is absolutely no freaking way McCain would participate in any kind of retribution against the architects of either the Iraq War or our torture policy. Prosecute Bush or Rumsfeld? You're out of your mind.

Posted by Fnarf | January 30, 2008 5:47 PM

Do you read the news? McCain is straight up dangerous.
Check this out:

Posted by call me a snot | January 30, 2008 6:31 PM

I was actually relatively excited about McCain in 2000. But, watching him sell his fucking soul to the GOP over the last few years has just been so sad. I have lost so much respect for him, and there's no way I would vote for him over any Dem. But, still, he is the best of the Republican lot, that's for sure.

Posted by Julie | January 30, 2008 6:55 PM

I've definitely been actively rooting for McCain for this very reason. If the Dems commit suicide by nominating Clinton (as they seem poised to do), not only is McCain the best of the Republicans, he's the only one that is even vaguely tolerable. Compare your fantasy to what would happen if Mitt "Double Guantanamo" Romney were elected. Yikes. Pray for a Obama-McCain race-- which would be the first in a while where you wouldn't feel compelled to move to France if one side won.

Posted by Mr Me | January 30, 2008 8:23 PM

35-37: What in the world can you have against Obama that you hate him more than Romney?

I've heard tons of this about Clinton, who people have had plenty of time to get to know and dislike. But Obama hasn't hurt us, and if he's hurt you, how could it be bad enough to make Romney a desirable choice (even over not voting at all)? It doesn't make sense to me. Please explain.

Am I troll-feeding?

Posted by Vanessa | January 30, 2008 9:08 PM


Ew. He looks like the guy who would offer me a Werther's Original in order to lure me into his car.

Posted by keshmeshi | January 30, 2008 10:57 PM

...and then I woke up. All sticky. Damn. It was just a dream.

Posted by Donovan | January 31, 2008 2:07 AM

I know I'm not the only one who would be tempted to vote for McCain over Hillary. McCain might be war and more war, all the time, but Hillary is just about as much of a hawk as he is. Its said that I'm even *thinking* of voting for a Republican. :(

Posted by David Marks | January 31, 2008 7:36 AM

The scariest thing about this scenario is McCain's age. What if he should die in office? Then we're stuck with Huckabee or whoever McCain chooses to appease the evangelicals. God forbid.

Posted by ajs | January 31, 2008 8:02 AM

None of that is ever going to happen. If McCain had an ounce of real integrity, that picture wouldn't exist. Politicians will always act like politicians, you can take that to the fucking bank. We can't fix a fucked-up system by electing a "hero." It's never worked before and it'll never work in the future. False hope is a false comfort and won't get us out of the mess we're in.

Posted by Lauren | January 31, 2008 8:18 AM

You forgot to mention the part that while we're all going nuts putting the losers in jail, McCain's going to war with Iran.

"Queue the Beach Boys," the wartards will say, "it's time to Iran and Roll because the evil Islamofascists are intolerant of other religions. Now go praise Jesus, you evil atheist d-bag!"

Of course, Dan, you and I won't be around to see it because Vice President Huckabee will be quarantining our asses.

Posted by BTTW | January 31, 2008 9:23 AM

mccain looks like a fucking bitch in that picture each and every time

Posted by Bellevue Ave | January 31, 2008 9:23 AM

John McCain rolled over for the Bush war machine just as readily as Colin Powell, most democrats, and every other supposedly reasonable person in the capitol.

McCain's current success is merely testament to his ability to not make waves. What a coward.

Posted by Colin | January 31, 2008 10:49 AM

Assholes who would vote for McCain over Clinton are the same assholes who would vote for Nader over Gore. We should have taken away your right to vote eight years ago, fuckwads.

McCain is a competent Bush. If your biggest problem with Bush is he wasn't effective enough enacting his policies, McCain is your guy.

Posted by six shooter | February 9, 2008 11:00 AM

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