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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Today in Great Ape-Related Crap I Watched on TV

posted by on November 13 at 16:30 PM

I don’t know if you guys know, but there is a thing that exists in the world called a BABY ORANGUTAN. I was watching Animal Planet the other day (as uuuuuusual!) and it was broadcasting a program into my eyeballs called Orangutan Diary. You should probably check this shit out.

The title is misleading. Although orangutans might look like your grandpa (except more orange), they don’t actually have a written language or bookbinding technology. Also, an actual Orangutan Diary would be tres horrific (“Dear Orangutan Diary, A farmer killed my mom with a machete today. Plus, I am so sick of eating bamboo pith. TTYL! Love, Baby O”).

But anyways, the orangutans live in Borneo or something, where humans like to cut down the jungle (so that they can plant palm oil plantations and then make money for food or clothing or jungle huts), which results in dead orangutan moms and orphaned orangutan BABIEZ. (Is it racist that I said “jungle huts”? I was just trying to allude, in an oversimplified way, to whatever complicated shit causes humans to cut down jungles. The orangutan sanctuary people seem to think that the Borneo people just HATE ORANGUTANS. Surely that is not the case. However, I am not an economist.)

The baby orangutans are devastatingly cute and lonely, and they go live at this sanctuary where they attend “Forest School” for six years. The humans teach the orphaned orangutans how to be wild orangutans, like: “Look at this termite! It’s hella delicious!” or “This plant is poisonous, dumbass!” or “YOU GUYS. DO NOT HUG SNAKES.”

Sometimes the orangutans were kept as pets, so they’re all neurotic and bald. But then they’re SO HAPPY when they get to go sit in a tree and poop on a leaf. Anyway, in the end, when they graduate from Forest School, the orangutans all go live on a MAGIC ISLAND in the middle of a river, where they lounge on the beach and eat bananas ALL DAY.

Are you crying yet?

Moral of the story: I love orangutans.

Rating: 5 out of 5 orangutan poops.

Next time in Great Ape-Related Crap I Watched on TV: A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. She looks like that Carl’s Jr. mascot made flesh. Plus a prostitute. Minus hamburgers.

RSS icon Comments


Darn, I thought it said "Grape Ape".

Posted by Packratt | November 13, 2007 4:48 PM

That show wasn't about orangutans, it was about the residents of Hornby Island.

Posted by Irena | November 13, 2007 4:58 PM

I was just thinking the other day that Orangutans are going to be my new favorite ape, edging out my previous favorite, the chimpanzee. They both have their advantages (orangutans can walk like humans, chimps can wear suits, solves crimes, etc.), but it just feels right to have a new ape to champion... in my head, without actually doing anything.

I think I have a new favorite Stranger writer.

Posted by Dougsf | November 13, 2007 5:08 PM

Who can start squealing at a little gibbon stealing?

Posted by Chex Mix | November 13, 2007 5:19 PM

Looking forward to your Down With Shot At Love article next time! My least fave "reality" show.

Posted by Will in Seattle | November 13, 2007 5:34 PM

I think I remember seeing on TV that a momma orangutan literally holds on, never lets go, of her baby for something like 6 months....

True - tell me what you know...

Posted by KELLY O | November 13, 2007 5:36 PM

I've seen Orangutan Diary before, and as the husband will attest, my squee-ing reached ear-splitting levels. Orangutans FTW! Now go to Woodland Park and hang out at the orangutan habitat, because they are even cooler in real life.

Posted by Jessica | November 13, 2007 5:51 PM

I totally read that as, "when they graduate from Forest School, the orangutans all go live on MERCER ISLAND...where they lounge on the beach and eat bananas ALL DAY", and I was like, that makes a lot of sense.

Posted by kid icarus | November 13, 2007 6:12 PM

way cool.

i used to like chimps until one threw a steaming handful of shit at us.

Posted by dirty girl | November 13, 2007 6:39 PM

Watch out Stephen Wm. Humphrey, some one is angling to take you over you Chlamydia flavored Popsicle

Posted by vooodooo84 | November 13, 2007 7:57 PM

Put down the crack pipe, stop thinking you're funny (you're really not), and dial up wikipedia to learn what an economist really is before you write about it anymore.

Posted by Andrew | November 13, 2007 9:46 PM

Uhhh...Hey, high horse guy. Have you ever actually hung out with an economist? Because when you do, all they ever talk about is how literally EVERYTHING is made of economics. Like, oh, I don't know, agriculture in Indonesia. Where orangutans live. You dick.

Posted by Lindy West | November 13, 2007 11:00 PM

My best pal went to Borneo this past September and visited one of the orang rescues and sanctuaries. She just adored them and thoroughly enjoyed being 'groomed" by one female.

Posted by Gindy | November 14, 2007 7:12 AM

Read "Reflections of Eden" by Birute Galdikas, if you can find it. Ms. Galdikas is the orangutan-studying equivalent of Dian Fossey and Jane Goodall, and the parts about Sugito, an orang baby who 'adopts' her as his mother (after he is rescued) are pretty endearing.

Posted by Tdub | November 14, 2007 8:22 AM

Lindy, I swear to god. Everything you write is the funniest thing I've ever read.

Posted by shits and giggles | November 14, 2007 9:29 AM

my favorite post.

Posted by kim | November 14, 2007 10:25 AM

That show was pretty good, but I watched it mainly due to the long-standing man-crush I have on hunky Steve Leonard.

Posted by MarkyMark | November 14, 2007 3:05 PM

Lindy this cracked me up. Do you have a blog? I want more

Posted by Lake | November 14, 2007 3:36 PM

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