TV Today in Great Ape-Related Crap I Watched on TV
posted by on November 13 at 16:30 PM
I don’t know if you guys know, but there is a thing that exists in the world called a BABY ORANGUTAN. I was watching Animal Planet the other day (as uuuuuusual!) and it was broadcasting a program into my eyeballs called Orangutan Diary. You should probably check this shit out.
The title is misleading. Although orangutans might look like your grandpa (except more orange), they don’t actually have a written language or bookbinding technology. Also, an actual Orangutan Diary would be tres horrific (“Dear Orangutan Diary, A farmer killed my mom with a machete today. Plus, I am so sick of eating bamboo pith. TTYL! Love, Baby O”).
But anyways, the orangutans live in Borneo or something, where humans like to cut down the jungle (so that they can plant palm oil plantations and then make money for food or clothing or jungle huts), which results in dead orangutan moms and orphaned orangutan BABIEZ. (Is it racist that I said “jungle huts”? I was just trying to allude, in an oversimplified way, to whatever complicated shit causes humans to cut down jungles. The orangutan sanctuary people seem to think that the Borneo people just HATE ORANGUTANS. Surely that is not the case. However, I am not an economist.)
The baby orangutans are devastatingly cute and lonely, and they go live at this sanctuary where they attend “Forest School” for six years. The humans teach the orphaned orangutans how to be wild orangutans, like: “Look at this termite! It’s hella delicious!” or “This plant is poisonous, dumbass!” or “YOU GUYS. DO NOT HUG SNAKES.”
Sometimes the orangutans were kept as pets, so they’re all neurotic and bald. But then they’re SO HAPPY when they get to go sit in a tree and poop on a leaf. Anyway, in the end, when they graduate from Forest School, the orangutans all go live on a MAGIC ISLAND in the middle of a river, where they lounge on the beach and eat bananas ALL DAY.
Are you crying yet?
Moral of the story: I love orangutans.
Rating: 5 out of 5 orangutan poops.
Next time in Great Ape-Related Crap I Watched on TV: A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. She looks like that Carl’s Jr. mascot made flesh. Plus a prostitute. Minus hamburgers.
Darn, I thought it said "Grape Ape".
That show wasn't about orangutans, it was about the residents of Hornby Island.
I was just thinking the other day that Orangutans are going to be my new favorite ape, edging out my previous favorite, the chimpanzee. They both have their advantages (orangutans can walk like humans, chimps can wear suits, solves crimes, etc.), but it just feels right to have a new ape to champion... in my head, without actually doing anything.
I think I have a new favorite Stranger writer.
Who can start squealing at a little gibbon stealing?
http://lunareye.net/images/animals/baby_golden_cheeked_gibbon_IMG_2610.jpg
Looking forward to your Down With Shot At Love article next time! My least fave "reality" show.
I think I remember seeing on TV that a momma orangutan literally holds on, never lets go, of her baby for something like 6 months....
True - tell me what you know...
I've seen Orangutan Diary before, and as the husband will attest, my squee-ing reached ear-splitting levels. Orangutans FTW! Now go to Woodland Park and hang out at the orangutan habitat, because they are even cooler in real life.
I totally read that as, "when they graduate from Forest School, the orangutans all go live on MERCER ISLAND...where they lounge on the beach and eat bananas ALL DAY", and I was like, that makes a lot of sense.
way cool.
i used to like chimps until one threw a steaming handful of shit at us.
Watch out Stephen Wm. Humphrey, some one is angling to take you over you Chlamydia flavored Popsicle
Put down the crack pipe, stop thinking you're funny (you're really not), and dial up wikipedia to learn what an economist really is before you write about it anymore.
@11
Uhhh...Hey, high horse guy. Have you ever actually hung out with an economist? Because when you do, all they ever talk about is how literally EVERYTHING is made of economics. Like, oh, I don't know, agriculture in Indonesia. Where orangutans live. You dick.
My best pal went to Borneo this past September and visited one of the orang rescues and sanctuaries. She just adored them and thoroughly enjoyed being 'groomed" by one female.
Read "Reflections of Eden" by Birute Galdikas, if you can find it. Ms. Galdikas is the orangutan-studying equivalent of Dian Fossey and Jane Goodall, and the parts about Sugito, an orang baby who 'adopts' her as his mother (after he is rescued) are pretty endearing.
Lindy, I swear to god. Everything you write is the funniest thing I've ever read.
my favorite post.
That show was pretty good, but I watched it mainly due to the long-standing man-crush I have on hunky Steve Leonard.
Lindy this cracked me up. Do you have a blog? I want more
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