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Monday, October 8, 2007

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 8 at 15:25 PM

I’m a 21 year old woman, just graduated from college. I’ve been with my current boyfriend since I was 15. We were each other’s first everything- fucking, kissing, relationship. We have a great great relationship. This sounds hard to believe, but really no fights, just discussions and honesty; we both have separate lives outside each other, and amazing, great, kinky sex, even after 6 years.

So why am I writing you, right?

The way I see it, its hard to visualize a way of us breaking up. I have a feeling this is the guy I’m going to marry and be with the rest of my life. But some people seem to think it would be a bad thing for us to keep being together without ever being with someone else, if only for seeing what sex is like with other people. Sometimes I wonder too. What do you think, Dan? Say we never break up—am I going to wake up at 40 and wish I had fucked some other people, just for the experience?

His Only Girl

I expect so, HOG. I mean, even though I fucked plenty of people before age 40, I woke up at 40 and wished I had fucked some other people, just for the experience.

RSS icon Comments


Wow, this is like my life story. My now husband and I have been together since I was 13-first everything as well. We've only been married 9 months (I'm now 23) and so far so good! People always told me I should have other "relationship experiences" as well and here was my response. Let's say you break up and lose the love of your life just so you can go fuck other people and get some "experience". I think that's ridiculous.
Obviously it'll be hard to tell what I'll feel like in 20 years, but I'd rather spend my life with my soul mate than fuck random people.

Posted by tvaddict | October 8, 2007 3:45 PM

Does marrying this man mean you can't ever experience sex with someone else? It's hard to manage, and it takes lots and lots of communication and trust, but some committed couples manage to have open marriages.

I've been the third party in several open relationships. A few worked. It was just a fantasy, a quick affair. Most, they opened the marriage because things weren't working, and that just delayed the inevitable divorce.

Anyway, if you don't want anyone else and neither does he, then forget what your friends are saying. If you both have a little temptation, and can communicate well (sounds like you can) then poly is an option to have your cake and eat it too.

Just a thought.

Posted by trust and openness | October 8, 2007 3:48 PM

Every path in life has its downsides. How many people would kill to have HOG's "downsides," though. A bit of harmless angst and soul-searching is a small price to pay for what sounds like a puh-retty sweet deal.

If they're both curious, they can give each other permission to give outside activities a shot. But reality almost certainly will not live up to fantasy.

Maybe they'll really appreciate what they have, and how LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY they are, after experiencing awkward, loveless rutting with strangers.

Posted by leukothea | October 8, 2007 3:51 PM

If you have the great relationship, the open talks, honesty and trust then why would there be regrets later IF you break up?
You could spend years and years having meaningless fucks but the sex is better with the intimacy you share with your guy now.
You may spend years and years fucking around looking for that trust and honesty and never find it. The head trippers, STD's etc. . . in the world these days you could really regret fucking around.
I say keep what you have and IF you do indeed break up - then worry about fucking other people. Fucking others will always be there and readily available at any club any night of the week. Fucking others will always be the easy thing to find. The great relationship and the honesty isn't so easy to find.

Posted by irl500girl | October 8, 2007 3:55 PM


Come to think of it, that's exactly what I did when I woke up on MY 40th birthday.

What is it about waking up when you're 40, Dan?

Don't people wake up on their 50th birthday and consider the same "rejoice/regret/acceptance" equation?

What about on their 90th birthday?


"What's wrong, Grandpa?"

Oh, I was just regretting not ever having Scarlett Johansson reverse-cowgirl me when I was younger.


Oh, I know...I never had a chance at that...but that drunk girl that I made out with in my Toyota pick-up in her drive way for a couple of hours after dancing with her to Poison's "Talk Dirty To Me"... I totally could have taken that further. She even told me she had a water bed.

"'re like old and gross."

Well, yeah...NOW.

PS--We have a lot to look forward to having not done, don't we?

Posted by pgreyy | October 8, 2007 3:55 PM

I thought you were 34, Dan.

Posted by mary-kate | October 8, 2007 4:06 PM

HOG, the most miserable marriages I have seen are those 'High School Lovers' ones. Example: my parents.

You'll be trapped. And some odd invisible matter will keep you together. And you will want to die. You'll end up having kids, and you'll raise them like shit. Because you will be a shitty, miserable person. Who needs to get laid.

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 8, 2007 4:08 PM

The ass is always greener...

Posted by Carollani | October 8, 2007 4:20 PM

even if you go out & fuck 100 people then get back together, you'll still regret not fucking #101.

just get married & agree you'll probably get divorced by 30. that way it won't be a shock when it happens.

and it will.

Posted by maxsolomon | October 8, 2007 4:22 PM

@7 Good to see you aren't bitter, Mr. Poe.

Posted by It's Mark Mitchell | October 8, 2007 4:26 PM

I've known a few people in HOG's situation and they decided to play the field. They usually ended up breaking up with the high school sweetheart because they found somebody better and more exciting.

Posted by San Francisco | October 8, 2007 4:33 PM

@9 That's right. Which is why I'm happy my husband and I have the option of fucking other people as long as we're open about it.

Posted by Gitai | October 8, 2007 4:35 PM

This is something that I've thought of in my own relationship because I fucked anything that moved in high school, whereas my wife was focused on school and friends. We met in college.

I'm pretty sure that I would *not* have been happy if she had been my first and only. But she claims that she's totally happy and has never wondered if the grass was greener on the other side. And now it's ~20 years and two kids later. We have a happy but not acrobatic sex life.

Every relationship is different. If you and your man love each other, go for it. Maybe you just lucked out and met your one true love at 15. Don't spend even one second playing "coulda/shoulda" games- though you must keep your eyes open and make sure you're really happy.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's about the quality of your relationship with your guy, and whether you are happy in it, rather than anything having to do with stimulus from the outside world.

Posted by Big Sven | October 8, 2007 4:44 PM

We were in same situation. We decided to meet other couples only to find out that sex is better with spouse because: a) no stupid condoms; b) spouse knows what spots to hit; b) most people aren't good lover c) being in love enhances sex; d) most people are way too sweaty.

So, you can have your cake and eat it to. Agree to swap with others and find out that you ain't missing anything.

Posted by fourstringer | October 8, 2007 4:49 PM

Hog, you were so young when you got this guy and you still are very young.
You never fight? I wonder if your relationship can withstand tension, stress and a big HUGE disagreement?
If you never fight marriage will change that real fast when kids come along, WOW!
There are so many other questions you should be asking besides the sex question.
My advice is off subject but if I were you I would separate for awhile, go to Europe or do something really different before you decide if he is the one.
All I have ever seen from girls going out and experiencing all kinds of casual sex is hurt and confusion.
I think you're asking the wrong question.
I mean you think you know who you really are outside of this relationship but it sounds like it has been very intimate and close so I'm not sure you do know that.

Be alone for awhile and then decide.

Posted by mj | October 8, 2007 4:52 PM

I meant to say when you got with this guy. I did not mean make it sound you captured him or something : )

Posted by mj | October 8, 2007 4:55 PM

most people want the type of relationship you describe... they just have more fun and hurt getting there.

you are there already. is it worth risking for some fun now? according to poe, and others, yes, because they believe what you have will not last.

but what do you think? do you want to risk losing it? because you and you SO fucking around might ruin what you have. and what you have is rather unique...

Posted by infrequent | October 8, 2007 4:57 PM

She's 21 and just graduated from college? Unless she means community college... man, kids work quick these days.

She has no idea what the hell life's about, let alone what she wants. She should table any thoughts of getting hitched for a few years, and let life sort matters out. Maybe they are meant for each other, and if so, a few more years should absolutely prove it certain... but I doubt it.

Posted by Gomez | October 8, 2007 4:59 PM

If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

Posted by Sheri | October 8, 2007 5:00 PM

Yes, you might have some regrets. So what. Breakups hurt like hell. STDs are a bitch. What if one of you gets herpes? Wouldn't that be awesome?

Every time you break up with someone a part of dies. People try to make the best of it and pretend that in the end was worth it, but it's not.

Posted by mulwana | October 8, 2007 5:11 PM

There's no way someone else can answer that question for HOG. Only she knows whether or not they're both perfectly content, or secretly daydreaming of new adventures. Only the two of them know whether they're secure enough in their attachment to one another to venture outside the bonds of monogamy.

And it cracks me up that even here, in liberal ol' Seattle, you hear people talking about loveless anonymous sex as if it were necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes sex with someone about whom you don't give a tin shit can be the best kind...not all sex has to be intimate. Sometimes it's really hot if it isn't.

Posted by Geni | October 8, 2007 5:21 PM

I don't care how happy you are in a relationship with someone there will be times you wish you could jump in the sack with someone else, be it a co-worker, friend, airport bathroom user, acquaintance or simply someone you meet out at a bar. There will be regrets accompanying these thoughts regardless. That's just the way we work. That doesn't change whether you're 20, 40 or 60. If you're happy with where you are and you don't find yourself unconsciously putting yourself in positions where you're able to cheat, you might as well enjoy the GGG monogamy because it sounds like you've got a pretty rare, healthy situation there. Although you are young- at 21 I thought I was with "the one" and of course that couldn't have been farther from the truth. In any event your relationship will progress (or implode) the way it should, and at the end of the day you may find yourself single and able to experiment to your heart's content no matter what. Because hey, as an editor by the name of "Dan Savage" said once, "All relationships end except the one that doesn't."

Posted by rjsplow | October 8, 2007 5:29 PM

Holy crap... I could have written that letter six years ago!!!

Now married and with baby, plus hot hot swinger sex and wonderful poly relationships. I do, however, wonder what it would have been like to ever be single. I've never lived on my own, and I've never "dated."

At 21, we weren't ready for swinging or poly, but we worked up to it from our own great kinky sex. :-)

Posted by L | October 8, 2007 5:38 PM

HOG, did you write the letter to get validation because you're feeling like you will have regrets later? Are you ready to play the field a little? If so, sooner is better than later (when you do have kids or a mortgage or both to consider).

If it's in the abstract, yeah, you ALWAYS regret the one you missed (like at Folsom last week--I totally should have gone ahead and buried my face in Seattle artist Axel's adorable butt while he was chatting with the next guy who came up to view his work instead of assuming there'll be another chance sometime, but I have a thing about interrupting people who are working).

On the other hand, an adorable kinky 22 year-old friend and his 23 year-old kinky boyfriend just exchanged promise rings before he heads off to the east coast for a few months of job training. They're monogamous and seem pretty darn committed to each other. It works for them.

Regrets are part of getting older, and it's just as possible you'd wake up at 40 and regret not keeping what you had when it was just the two of you. Sorry the advice is inherently contradictory. Good luck.

Posted by usagi | October 8, 2007 5:47 PM

I don't know.

While I've never had bad partners per se (a few were disappointing), if it's going good for that long, you should probably stick with that person, IMHO.

It's not worth the angst.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 8, 2007 5:49 PM

Seems like everyone is projecting or something here. What I'm wonder is so what if she wakes at 40, she can't change her life then?

Posted by emmakat | October 8, 2007 5:57 PM

@8 wins the thread.

P.S.: If you feel like straying, a good fantasy beats a shitty reality.

Posted by Lust in my heart | October 8, 2007 6:41 PM

Another option is threesomes if you're really into amazing, great kinky sex. Find yourself another guy/girl for both of you. You said you discussed things honestly. Find somebody your boyfriend would do if you weren't in the picture, somebody who thinks your boyfriend is as hot or hotter than you are. That way your boyfriend won't complain if you're getting a little something on the side, since he'll be getting it at the same time. It worked out pretty well for this guy I knew.

P.S. How do you tell your roomate her boyfriend dumped her for her boyfriend?

Posted by Y.F. | October 8, 2007 6:56 PM

Early in life love is often projection and chemistry. Nothing wrong with either. Later come the more complicated parts. Likely there will be some regrets. You will learn to handle them or not. Similarly with fights, flagging sexual interest and growing in different directions, you need to learn to handle them because they are likely to come. If you aren't having any conflicts now, good for you, perhaps you and your partner are one of the lucky 15% who made it through childhood and adolescence w/o "issues". However it also means if things get hard (which they are likely too at some point) you may not have the experience to handle it. this is one reason why people go through early relationships; to learn to handle relationships (if possible without burdening themselves with too much baggage).

Still there is much to be said for that first intense long relationship. The shared memories of good times is said by some to be one of the three major factors that keep people together through difficulty. Later relationships being less projection are different in ways that are hard to imagine at 21.
If you really want to find out what it takes to stay married, look it up and then decide if those qualities are the ones both you and your partner have and are committed to maintaining.
If you are focussing on the "amazing great kinky sex" too much, you might be playing out certain roles that might benefit from, um, examination.
Take care.

Posted by MSW | October 8, 2007 8:15 PM

HOG should know that things will change and each of them will change, but that when she wakes up at 40 the last thing she'll probably be regretting will be who she missed out on fucking.

I turned 40 this summer -- my wife and I met in high school and are together after 21 years. The things that keep me up at night are money, career and kid issues that make worrying about missed sexual conquests seem pretty childish and petty, honestly.

@4 is right; finding/creating a relationship with someone willing to be open, honest and giving with you is more important than anything else.

Posted by Peter | October 8, 2007 10:36 PM

I have a friend with a similar issue. His wife was a virgin when they got married. He'd had plenty of partners. He's concerned that his wife 'will not know what a good shag I am' and that she'll go off looking for some variation later in life.
What I think he's failing to consider is that as long as she's happy in her sex life she'll not go looking else where. Most people cheat because they're unsatisfied with what they're getting at home. Those cheaters who are motivated solely by getting some variation are almost exclusively male.

Posted by Dave | October 9, 2007 3:03 AM

My husband and I met at 17... we split before college (mostly for "I want to have general life experience" reasons than "I want to have other sex" reasons). After 6 years we got back together, dated a few years, and got married. So, happy ending -- we ended up together and both had lots of fun, travel, and sex in the meantime...

But, it could easily not have happened that way. We both dated other people, including a few serious relationships between the two of us.

If we hadn't ended back up together, I probably would be regretting it at 40. But, if we hadn't had time off, I'm certain I would be regretting it at 40 (again, more for general life experience apart than for sex, so take that for what it's worth).

Posted by Julie | October 9, 2007 7:40 AM

Lots of good advice above, but I wanted to add a study I read recently.

So, the researchers set up a store which offered that it would give away free jar of jam. The subjects tasted the flavors of jam available, then filled out a survey about how satisfied they were with the jam they ended up choosing. In one situation, the customers had five flavors of jam to choose from; in the other, they had twenty.

What the researchers found was that the people with more choices were much *less* satisfied than the people with fewer. Contradictorily enough, the more options we have, the less we value what we end up with. We're more likely to see its faults when we think we know what else is out there.

I think that HOG will be much happier if she just makes a choice and decides that she'll be satisfied with it than she would wondering about the other possibilities.

(That said, poly is totally an option if both people find others attractive and are able to communicate clearly. As a happily-married person in an eight-year relationship with my first real love, I highly recommend it.)

Posted by Gaudior | October 9, 2007 9:09 AM

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