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Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Now This Is a Great Goddamned Idea

posted by on September 12 at 13:39 PM

I’m glad science spends its time discovering polio vaccines and trying to figure out whether chimps wage war for sexual purposes.

But couldn’t science spare a little more time for things like this?

The unhappier you are, the more ice cream you get.


“Employing voice stress analysis of the userís answers to specific questions, varying degrees of unhappiness are measured and the counteractive quantity of ice cream is dispensed: The more unhappy you are, the more ice cream you need.”

I know, I know. There isn’t enough research money to go around. But maybe we could take a little chunk out of our astronomy budget?

Intelligent people, properly provisioned (and that means ice cream) can think their way into the outer reaches of the universe. Do we really need to build expensive metal tubes to physically hurl them there? That seems kind of primitive and crude.

RSS icon Comments


Ice Cream makes me want to kill people.

Posted by Mr. Poe | September 12, 2007 1:57 PM

The way you spell ice cream makes me want to kill people.

Posted by papillon | September 12, 2007 1:59 PM

No! NOT out of the astronomy budget!

Take it out of the paleontology budget instead. Seriously, what's the point of studying things that are already dead?

Posted by COMTE | September 12, 2007 2:11 PM

Ice cream makes one want to kill people.

Posted by some dude Charles Mudede wants to fuck | September 12, 2007 2:15 PM

All that money wasted on science has finally resulted in something useful.

Posted by J.R. | September 12, 2007 2:19 PM

Is this related in any way to the corpse compactor?

Posted by RonK, Seattle | September 12, 2007 2:40 PM

Great! More fat, unhappy people!

Posted by Gomez | September 12, 2007 3:08 PM

I bet everyone would be applauding demanding a Nobel prize be issued if the thing dispensed drugs instead instead of ice cream.

Soon to follow, the ACME Automat Bartender. "be-de-beep... Voice strees pattern analyzed: sounds like you need a double! bzzzzt..."

Posted by Pack | September 12, 2007 3:18 PM

Wouldn't this condition people to be more upset since we're rewarding that negative behavior with more ice cream? Plus, wouldn't it make you more upset if the person in front of you got more ice cream? Maybe that would help because you'd be angry that you had to wait in line and that they got a huge portion and therefore you would get a huge portion due to your irritation?... In short, I think it's a bad idea...

Posted by cunei4m | September 12, 2007 3:30 PM

"Little abaies shouldn't have flies on they faces. They should get whatever flavor ice cream they want"

Posted by Starks | September 12, 2007 3:38 PM

Seems like it could create a vicious cycle. You are angry, you get more ice cream, the more ice cream you get the fatter you get, the fatter you get, the angrier you get, the more ice cream you get...
It is flawed.

Posted by lilblackcat | September 12, 2007 4:28 PM

What a mindfuck. I'd be so happy that I was going to get ice cream, that I'd be too happy to get any. That would make me sad... but would it be too late for that to get me ice cream?

Posted by jkjk | September 12, 2007 5:04 PM

Can I have Bacon Salt on mine?

Posted by Thomas Kinkade | September 12, 2007 10:23 PM

The only time I've ever disagreed with Wanda Sykes (and not 100%!):
"OK, fine. We can have a space program, but why billions and billions of dollars. What have we learned from our space travels? I mean, really. What has NASA given us, apart from a mattress that you can jump up and down on and not spill your wine?! Can you give me more than a mattress? To me the space program is nothing but a bigass welfare program for really smart people. It's like, these people are so smart, they're useless. It's like, we just gotta give them busy work, just keep them busy, here, just look up, just fuckin look up. Bunch of useless information. It's like, did you know that there was once water on Mars. ...Oh, I'm sorry, are you talking to me? 'Cause I don't give a fuck. Did you know that there was once vodka in this glass?"

God, I love Wanda Sykes. And this is funny. Yet, I'm torn.

Posted by Amelia | September 13, 2007 2:28 AM

When I'm angry, I don't want a &%^*@#$ machine telling me how much &%^*@#$ ice cream I'm gonna have!

Posted by NapoleonXIV | September 13, 2007 10:47 AM

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