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Tuesday, August 7, 2007

No Sex, Thanks—I’m still Paying the Emergency-Room Bills from the Last Time

posted by on August 7 at 11:37 AM

For the crazy and/or lazy: Summer sex positions from Cosmopolitan Magazine, most of which are only somewhat likely to put you in the hospital! In lieu of clever commentary, I’ll just post a few images of these highly improbable positions here, and direct you to The Bachelor Guy, who says: “Some of these would challenge the acrobats of Cirque Du Soleil, let alone a 30-something couch-jockey with a bum knee.”

They include:

The Stairway to Heaven

Ladder Lovin’

And for those looking for lower-impact erotic fun:

The Randy Raft!

Says the Bachelor: “There might even be room on the raft for your beer.”

RSS icon Comments


The hottest sex position of the summer is anything you can get away with in the photo booth at Pony.

Posted by Explorer | August 7, 2007 11:39 AM

Sooo last year. These were the icons for the Special-Ed Olympics, 2003.

Posted by autumnis died | August 7, 2007 11:41 AM

Feh. I'm too lazy to do any position nowadays more taxing than doggy style. Damn this heavy workload.

Posted by Gitai | August 7, 2007 11:44 AM

Those don't even look close to fun, especially the latter one.

Posted by Giffy | August 7, 2007 11:44 AM

Psh. No gay lovin' on this post.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 7, 2007 11:45 AM


Posted by Judah | August 7, 2007 11:48 AM

Take a day off. Cough.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 7, 2007 11:51 AM

I wonder what David Postman thinks...

Posted by tiptoe tommy | August 7, 2007 11:53 AM

Who thinks it would be fun to screw on a flight of stairs? The others are impractical but look like they could be fun - you know, like if the raft doesn't fold in half or just pop out from under the girl, or if the ladder isn't too small for such a thing, but any woman silly enough to try the stairs is asking for a dozen appointments at the chiropractor. And the guy better have a strong upper body because he's going to be exhausted.

Posted by Matt from Denver | August 7, 2007 11:53 AM

Sometimes I think Cosmo is aimed directly at girls 15-22, because these positions only look intriguing if you just started having sex and want to try it in EVERY DIFFERENT POSITION POSSIBLE, EVER.

That shit looks like way too much effort for me and Mr. Jessica.

Posted by Jessica | August 7, 2007 11:53 AM

Does anyone over at Cosmo actually get laid? Watersex is highly overrated. Sounds awesome in theory, with floating around and all, but plays hell with the actual mechanics. It can be done, don't get me wrong, but its definately something that fails to live up to the hype. Not to mention, most pools are too deep to have the raft one work, unless the guy is 6'8" or taller...

Posted by Nick | August 7, 2007 11:54 AM

Here's some gay, Mistah Poe.

@3 I'm so lazy I'm thinking of becoming a bottom so I can just lie there and read a book or something...

Posted by It's Mark Mitchell | August 7, 2007 12:05 PM

It seems to me that highly unusual sex positions are usually more fun in theory than practice, and mostly intriguing to those who spend more time viewing porn than having sex.

@11 - I've had decent sex in hot tubs, but it's true, pool sex usually doesn't work so well. There seems to be, well, lubrication issues.

Posted by tsm | August 7, 2007 12:12 PM

Yah, I could never understand water sex. Water washes away all lubrication. But that one on the raft looks kind of the shallow end?

Posted by Dianna | August 7, 2007 12:15 PM

Lazy fucks, unite! So much pleasure, so little effort.

Posted by Gloria | August 7, 2007 12:24 PM

Or maybe that's meant to be in the kiddie pool.

Posted by Diana | August 7, 2007 12:24 PM

@15: here's your group's slogan:

lazy fucks for lazy fucks

Posted by infrequent | August 7, 2007 12:47 PM

been there done that - and if you have sex on a beach or in the surf, the sand is not a good idea, IMHO.

Posted by Will in Seattle | August 7, 2007 12:54 PM

@17: And next comes the t-shirt stage.

Posted by Gloria | August 7, 2007 1:08 PM

Water doesn't wash away Crisco.

Posted by monkey | August 7, 2007 1:23 PM

Why am I suddenly overcome by the urge to go chlorinate my pool?

Posted by NapoleonXIV | August 7, 2007 1:49 PM

is there a position for lazy couples where both partners can be on the bottom?

Posted by maxsolomon | August 7, 2007 1:53 PM

@22: Vibrators.

Posted by Once more...with feeling | August 7, 2007 2:24 PM


Posted by K X One | August 7, 2007 3:26 PM

Yes, Crisco.

Posted by monkey | August 7, 2007 4:15 PM

I don't buy the Randy Raft. She's gonna go slidin' all over that shit, and suddenly fall off it and break your dick in like, three seconds.

Posted by Grant Cogswell | August 7, 2007 4:32 PM


they'd need to be carbon neutral.

Posted by maxsolomon | August 7, 2007 4:47 PM

@25 - you take a soapy shower after - but it gets all over you bedsheets.

Posted by Will in Seattle | August 7, 2007 4:57 PM

A sling has all the benefits of the raft, minus the lubrication issues. Not to mention a sling is year-round!

Posted by JenK | August 7, 2007 5:26 PM

ugh, ocean water in girl parts ftl.

Posted by anners | August 8, 2007 8:54 AM

@22 - well, duh. Both (or all three of you) lie on your sides and just sort of wriggle.

Geez, do I have to explain everything us old farts do to you damn kids?!

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