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Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Falwell in Hell

posted by on May 15 at 19:26 PM

Rev. Fred “God Hates Fags” Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church to picket… JERRY FALWELL’S FUNERAL!

WBC will preach at the memorial service of the corpulent false prophet Jerry Falwell, who spent his entire life prophesying lies and false doctrines like “God loves everyone.”

Excuse me, Fred—but what the fuck are you talking about? Did two corpulent Falwell dudes die today? Jerry Falwell taught that God loves everyone? Really? When? I want to see the video.

But come on, what are your reel beefs with Jerry? Let’s see a list, Fred—make the damn/damning case.

There is little doubt that Falwell split Hell wide open the instant he died. The evidence is compelling, overwhelming, and irrefragable. To wit:

1. Falwell was a true Calvinistic Baptist when he was a young preacher in Springfield, Missouri, and sold his soul to Free-Willism (Arminianism) for lucre.

2. Falwell bitterly and viciously attacked WBC because of WBC’s faithful Bible preaching—thereby committing the unpardonable sin—otherwise known as the sin against the Holy Ghost.

3. Falwell warmly praised Christ-rejecting Jews, pedophile-condoning Catholics, money-grubbing compromisers, practicing fags like Mel White, and backsliders like Billy Graham and Robert Schuler, etc. All for lucre—making him guilty of their sins.

Falwell is in Hell, Praise God!!

Holy crap… Falwell, Phelps, Falwell, Phelps… whose side do you take in this fight? And I had no idea that Falwell was wrapped up in Free-Willism. You think you know a guy, huh? You get a good hate going and then you find out he had a soft spot for killer whales. Sure makes you think.

RSS icon Comments


...makes you think Phelps is a cartoon, you mean.

Posted by Fnarf | May 15, 2007 7:42 PM


Dan, would you be so kind to e-mail me, I have a story for you that is really right up yer alley (no really! such a suggestion is often anathema to me...)

Posted by K X One | May 15, 2007 7:44 PM

I would email you... if I had your email...

So why don't you email me?

mail... at... savagelove... dot... net

Posted by Dan Savage | May 15, 2007 7:45 PM

Finally, Fred Phelps has someone worth picketing. (Although for the wrong reasons, of course.)

Posted by Sachi | May 15, 2007 8:05 PM

Dan, You are my hero! As soon as I heard the news I could not wait to read your commentary. Phelps is a sick idiot, as this proves.

Posted by dallasgirl | May 15, 2007 8:19 PM

What a wonderful example of Fundie Canibalism! Maybe there really is a God after all - and maybe God has a sense of humor!

Of course Phelps, as usual, will probably chicken out.

Posted by catalina vel-duray | May 15, 2007 8:29 PM

This is so delicious, just so fucking delicious. On a much reduced scale, this must be how Jews felt when Germany and Russia went to war.

Posted by Gitai | May 15, 2007 8:33 PM

ZOMG! Phelps' band of ambulatory psychotics versus Falwell's grieving family? It's Christmas in May! Can Falwell die every week?

Posted by Doctor Memory | May 15, 2007 8:34 PM

whose side do you take in this fight?

Honestly, I'd like to see anyone make a case for taking Phelps' side over Falwell's. I mean, it's evil vs. eviler, but still, there's a pretty definite eviler in this race, isn't there?

Posted by no one in particular | May 15, 2007 8:35 PM

Oh, actually, I suppose you could argue that Falwell did more harm because Phelps is so far out there that no one takes him seriously.

So, yeah, okay, maybe I made my own case for Phelps over Falwell.

Posted by no one in particular | May 15, 2007 8:37 PM

Gitai: you are, as of this instant, my favorite person in the world. Marry me?

Posted by Doctor Memory | May 15, 2007 8:39 PM

Dear god, that man's insane. (I mean, I understand the theology at work with Phelps, which has its own sick little logic. If you truly believe in full predestination and the sinfullness of being gay, the whole thing really does follow.) But to fight one of your last remaining allies, or the family of one of your last remaining allies is just stupid. (Then again, who ever called Phelps smart?)

Posted by David | May 15, 2007 8:46 PM

I just want to know what the hell irrefragable means.

Posted by switzerblog | May 15, 2007 8:47 PM

Phelps is the greatest performance artist of our time.

Posted by MidwayPete | May 15, 2007 8:57 PM

Jesus X, isn't this a bit like two Nazis fighting for who's more beloved by Hitler?

Posted by Andy Niable | May 15, 2007 8:59 PM

A great day just got a little bit better.

I always knew Phelps was completely unhinged, but this is really spectacular.

Catalina, I hope he doesn't chicken out. I'd pay money to watch the "protest" between the Phelps gang and the Falwell gang. The implosion will be awesome!

Posted by SDA in SEA | May 15, 2007 9:10 PM

My only disappointment here is that Falwell can't somehow picket Phelps funeral too.

Posted by mason | May 15, 2007 9:21 PM

Fuck that "picking sides" shit, I'm making popcorn.

You know, maybe I rushed to judgement about that whole "there is no god" thing.

Posted by monkey | May 15, 2007 9:33 PM

Irrefragable means "not to be disputed or contested";

And Phelps himself is too old and/or sickly to be there usually. But I'm sure his posse (family) will be there.

I counter-protested them once. It was fun. We were just a few, but this other group showed up, too. They called themselves the flat earth society and wore clothes from the 40s (or so). They were cooler than my group.

The Phelpses don't have much more than a dozen people anywhere, so it's easy to match that to embarass them.

Posted by Tiz | May 15, 2007 9:44 PM


Off the top of my head, I would have thought "irrefragable" meant something along the lines of "what has been fragged cannot be refragged", but turns out it just means "indisputable".

Can I get my popcorn with extra butter?

Posted by COMTE | May 15, 2007 9:48 PM

Bah, whatever. Phelps would picket his own daughter's funeral if it would get him publicity.

Posted by tsm | May 15, 2007 9:50 PM

Phelps vs Falwell. Right up there with Shannon vs. SOaP, no?

Posted by finally | May 15, 2007 9:51 PM

Dan, you made my day with that line about the killer whales.

Posted by Sly | May 15, 2007 9:51 PM

"There is little doubt that Falwell split Hell wide open the instant he died."

When I first read that line, I laughed out loud because I thought he was making a fat joke......

Posted by Teague | May 15, 2007 10:08 PM

See, i told ya'll not to be all dancing on falwell's grave singing "Ding Dong The Witch is Dead". We have Falwell's brethren to do that for us. Why get our hand's dirty when we can look like we took the high road?

Posted by Brandon H | May 15, 2007 10:25 PM

The WBC thinks everyone who thinks even slightly differently from them is hated by their god and is going to Hell. So what else is new?

Posted by east coaster | May 15, 2007 11:33 PM

Phelps is brilliantly absurd performance artist. Falwell is a fat greedy pig.

I'm with Phelps.

Posted by Sean | May 15, 2007 11:40 PM

When Phelps dies, I hope his funeral is a complete fucking circus.

Posted by wf | May 15, 2007 11:43 PM

Awesome Free Willy joke.

Ahhhh, so entertaining...

Posted by Jason | May 16, 2007 4:23 AM

Oh, my freaking god. One staggers at the irony.

Phelps accuses Falwell of preaching a "false doctrine" that God loves everyone? First, I would challenge ANYONE to present evidence that those words were ever uttered by Falwell, a man who clearly believed that gays, lesbians, feminists, the ACLU, etc. were not loved by God but rather were the cause of God's wrath as expressed in 9/11, hurricanes, floods, AIDS, etc. In most ways, Phelps and Falwell are bosom buddies, and one would think that Phelps would be more sympathetic to his fellow Fundamentalist.

As much as I always detested Falwell, I think that it is abhorrent that Phelps and his wicked clan are going to make a spectacle of themselves at Falwell's funeral. The only "good" thing that can come of this is an increased estrangement between Phelps and mainstream fundamentalist Christianity. Accusing someone of being "like Phelps" will be considered a great insult, at least once Phelps shows his ass at Falwell's last hurrah.

Posted by Jonathon | May 16, 2007 6:34 AM

Wow. You are pretty well versed in Christ-o-babble Dan.

I don't really take delight in anyone dying. I mean the guy has family and stuff. Even if he was a jerk. The only way to be better then these freaks is to actually show a little tolerance and compassion right?

Posted by Ryan | May 16, 2007 7:09 AM

Phelps and Co. may be the best friend we anti-Christofacists have. As David (12) pointed out; Phelps's actions are the logical conclusion to his sick beliefs. Beliefs that, incidentally, start in the same twisted psychic swamp as every other Christofascist (Falwell included) in the land: Innerancy of scripture, deprativity of man, complete bifurcation of Good and Evil, et al. If you've not read it, there was a fascinating book about Phelps's early years (not surprisingly, the young Fred showed little interest in women, according to the article). Exerpt: I think the Fred Phelps story would make a great opera.

Posted by Acolyte | May 16, 2007 8:12 AM

The enmity for Falwell was among the many mind-blowing tidbits in their fantastically inept video for their fantastically inept parody of America the Beautiful, Oh Wicked Land of Sodomites. Slightly NSFW for poorly doctored photos including a fake naked Falwell.

Posted by lilzilla | May 16, 2007 8:27 AM

Jonathon, link

FALWELL: I'm not saying anything negative about anybody. What I'm saying is that God loves everyone. Christ died for everyone.

Nuts like Falwell aren't expected to be consistent. God doesn't make sense, why should Falwell?

Phelps is absolutely harmless compared to Falwell. I sure wouldn't appreciate it if he picketed the funeral of a friend or family member, but Phelps definitely isn't affecting election results or otherwise changing the course of human history.

Posted by jamier | May 16, 2007 8:34 AM

Falwell made Phelps look like a fucking pussycat.

Interestingly enough, Falwell and Larry Flynt actually became friends towards the end of Falwell's life.

Flynt's statements can be read here.

Lots of f-sounds in this post, dude. Falwell, Phelps and Flynt. WTF?!

Posted by Juliet | May 16, 2007 8:38 AM

Excuse me: what I meant above is that Phelps makes Falwell look like a pussycat. Sorry there.

Posted by Juliet | May 16, 2007 8:39 AM

As we used to say over at the Washington Post: "Follow the Lucre".

Posted by Ben Bradlee | May 16, 2007 9:47 AM

Doesn't Phelps's crew have a bunch of irate Hells Angels following them around, blocking their way and making sure they never get anywhere near the grieving families?

Posted by Fnarf | May 16, 2007 10:06 AM

Actually Juliet, I agree more with your #35! Phelps is psychotic, but ultimately insignifigant. Falwell was the one with the influence at one point in time to reshape things and screw over good people. No tears shed here, but I bet Pat Robertson is chugging down a few more of his 'age-defying protein shakes' today... :-)

Posted by Phil | May 16, 2007 10:11 AM

Ha! Lucre. And wtf: money-grubbing compromisers? Eh?

Posted by rachelina | May 16, 2007 11:38 AM

Ha! Lucre. And wtf: money-grubbing compromisers? Eh?

Posted by rachelina | May 16, 2007 11:38 AM

You folks don't have experience with Phelps. His rhetoric serves his real agenda, which is the business he heads with his family members (including grandkids) as employees. He is not religious. Sure, he goes to the funerals of gays who were murdered. But he also goes to funerals of US soldiers killed in Iraq. And now he's going to a right-wing fanatic's funeral. As Michael Corleone said, it's not personal, it's just business.

His methodology is to go anywhere where something he says might get someone mad enough to spit at or hit one of his family members (especially the kids -- he pushes them really hard to go right up to people and say really hurtful stuff). Then he files lawsuits seeking damages both from those who spit/hit as well as the big money, lawsuits against the municipality where it happened for not providing adequate protection.

Don't give this guy sufficient publicity to make anyone think he's a "leader" of fundamentalist Christianity. He's just a psycho, and a child abuser.

Posted by Joe | May 16, 2007 11:42 AM

Fnarf, they're not Hells Angels, but they are motorcyclists (as opposed to "bikers") - I have a couple of friends who are members of the group who's taken to standing between service member funerals and the Phelps Circus. They're veterans - VietNam veterans for the most part, but some younger guys too - and most are big fellas with anger management issues. One of these days, one of the WBC psychos is going to get squashed like a bug.

Oh, and Doctor Memory's post at #8 may be the single funniest thing I've read today.

Posted by Geni | May 16, 2007 1:57 PM


You're all trying to use logical arguments on Phelps. That's wrong. He's simply insane.

Posted by Paul | May 16, 2007 2:26 PM

Lucre! Who uses that word anyway? I think i will start using it in job interviews when demanding higher pay.

Posted by jurdes | May 16, 2007 2:33 PM

It's like Alien vs Predator, except "No matter who loses, we win."

Posted by Aexia | May 16, 2007 2:36 PM

Oh so happy he's dead.

Brought a smile to my face!

Posted by Richard | May 16, 2007 3:16 PM

I was reading up on Fred Phelps in Wikipedia, and I couldn't help but smirk at this part of his life story: "Fred's mother, Catherine Phelps, was a homemaker. Catherine died of throat cancer at the age of twenty-eight, when Phelps was five years old." Thanks, NEJM, for forever making me associate throat cancer with oral sex.

Posted by Furry Girl | May 16, 2007 4:04 PM

Christmas in May, indeed! Since he never served in the military, the Patriot Guard riders (the ones who generally protect military families from Phelps at funerals) won't be there to protect the Falwell clan...

Posted by Angry Grrl | May 16, 2007 6:48 PM

i can rest well each night as i fall into my slumber and envision lucifer butt banging jerry into eternity.

Posted by whilde | May 16, 2007 7:48 PM

Well, obviously they're ALL insane; wanting a supposedly loving Diety to torture their religio/political enemies for all Eternity. And it's tempting to want the same for BOTH of them; tempting but futile. Perhaps it's best to just pray the the bad ones die and that's all: no Hell, no Heaven, no Purgatory (oops, the Pope says that's already gone!), no Resurrection, no nothing. You're a corrupted file, Falwell, and so are all of your buddies and rivals, so into the virtual trashbasket you go and then let us pray some Cosmic Hacker clicks on the 'empty trash' function and goes back to the drawing board. We can only hope...

Posted by Michelle Rose | May 16, 2007 11:49 PM

I read somewhere that the truest hope for good is that evil is consistently self destructive.

Posted by Shifty Eyed dog | May 17, 2007 1:34 AM

I'm a soldier in Iraq and when I clicked the link at the top of the page to read Phelp's statement, the filters blocked it becuase it was categorized as "Racism and Hate." Brilliant.

Posted by Shifty Eyed Dog | May 17, 2007 1:44 AM

If the Almighty really wants to make a statment, perhaps He/She/It/They would consider smiting Phelps while he's on the picket line. Turning him into a pillar of salt like Lot's wife would be a nice, ironic touch.

Posted by Septcamper | May 17, 2007 9:32 AM

I'm a bit confused by Phelps's reason #1. Phelps is a Calvinist, and he is condeming Falwell becaue Falwell *used* to be a good and twue Calvinist, but then "sold his soul."

One of the main tenets of Calvinism is predestination--People are completely unable to please God; God forcibly saves people at random and they cannot resist it; once a person is saved, they can never go back.

Phelps's condemnation that Falwell once had it all right, and then forfeited the truth makes no sense at all.

Ps: in the words of a professor at my school, "I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Calvinist...I did not have theological relations with that man, Dr. John Calvin."

Posted by drifter | May 17, 2007 9:58 AM

If I could make it to the funeral, I'd carry a sign that said, "Yes Fred, Everyone DOES Hate You" and on the other side it'd say "Except for Him".

Fred Phelps turns on everyone sooner or later. If he believes that the world is against him, then he's quickly making that a sure thing.

Posted by Carmine | May 17, 2007 10:04 AM

Oh this gets even better. Hopefully the entire funeral will erupt into a ball of fire and brimstone and take out Phelps, Falwell's cold *fat* dead body and ALL of their followers in a blaze of glory.

I (heart) Dan Savage!!!

Now if Dan will just come down to Westlake Park and confront some of these bible humping primates who pollute the air with their spew of hatred every Wednesday @ noon the world truly would be a better place for all.

Posted by Alex | May 17, 2007 11:02 AM

"Alien Vs. Predator"

Posted by bucket | May 17, 2007 1:04 PM

You think Phelps' comment might have been an homage to Falwell? Getting publicity through similar means? Falwell openly admitted being outrageous for the attention paid. Could this be Phelps' nod?

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Posted by vnlxtphsf vaepusj | May 19, 2007 2:57 AM

I intend to picket at Phelps' roast, I mean funeral, however.


That should do it.

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