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Monday, February 12, 2007

When Will Ted Haggard Fall Off the Wagon and Start Sucking Cock Again?

posted by on February 12 at 9:20 AM

Susie Bright doesn’t think Jesus-worshipping, meth-snorting, man-blowing Ted Haggard is going to be “completely heterosexual” for long—and she’s willing to put her money where her mouth is. Are you?

How much would you bet that Reverend Ted Haggard falls off the wagon in the very near future? …

Ted has now accepted a large “undisclosed amount” from his church elders in exchange for signing a confidentiality agreement and leaving town, after taking a three-week “cure” that wouldn’t get rid of a cough, let alone a lifelong sexual preference for men.

Yes, it’s high time to announce: The Ted Haggard Betting Pool.

We don’t believe Ted’s commitment to the straight and narrow is going to last, and we’re willing to put money on it.

All pool proceeds will be split 50/50 between the winner(s), and LYRIC, the “young, loud, and proud” San Francisco youth group dedicated building LGBTQQ community and inspiring social change.

More info at Susie Bright’s website and at

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I am not a betting man, so I will pass. However, I don't think it will be long before someone will be winning their wager. I would guess that Rev. Haggard is on a difficult part of life's path, and I feel for him. But I was also wondering if Dan is going to coin a word around these conversions to heterosexuality; "To Haggard" "Haggardize
"A 3 week dehaggarding"

thanks for listening


Posted by Lawrence Molloy | February 12, 2007 9:50 AM

Sources say many people are choosing their own birthdays (some planning celebratory seductions, maybe?) and September 11 (poetic, but obviously he'll crumble long before that).

Posted by Bethany Jean Clement | February 12, 2007 10:08 AM

Nah! He will look at internet porn long before that, probably doing it now as a buffer so that it keeps any major urges to go suck cock or get his sucked by some methed up hustler in check.

Posted by Brian | February 12, 2007 10:17 AM

This is hilarious. My favorite part of this whole saga is the "agreement" he signed with his church stipulates that he leave town. He preached homophobia so well that the people he preached to are using it to run *him* outta town!

I can't wait for the next chapter...

Posted by Mike in MO | February 12, 2007 10:43 AM

i think dan ought to fly to colorado springs and test the pastor resolve.

Posted by Harry Callahan | February 12, 2007 10:46 AM

The fact that they've paid him off and sent him packing shows even they don't believe it's something that can be "cured".

I'm glad he signed a gag agreement though. I really didn't want to hear any details.

Posted by monkey | February 12, 2007 11:06 AM

all kidding aside, isn't it fucked up that a "church" basically gave this dude a bunch of hush money? Seriously, paying him off to go and hide?

I'm dying to know how much he took them for. Any ideas?

Posted by Mike in MO | February 12, 2007 11:47 AM

I think an episode of Mr Show premonished (i claim this word) this whole debacle awhile ago:

Posted by diggum | February 12, 2007 1:41 PM

"gag agreement"

Why can't I read that without hearing Beavis & Butthead laughing inside my brain?

Posted by COMTE | February 12, 2007 1:45 PM

I think this is old news. All pumped out.

I hope the guy has a good sex life, and is less homophobic.

Who would begrudge him some dick on the side?

Old news.

Posted by Grunfeld | February 12, 2007 9:38 PM

Why are christians so obsessed with other peoples obsessed with sex, gender and genitals…really, don’t they worry about real stuff , like poverty, famine, environmental degradation, war and pestilence, the rich gettting richer and the poor getting more destitute.

Why do they get so obessed with homosexuals, claiming it is a threat to the family ..HOW? if your husband runs off with the hussy next door, how can it be the fault of gays/lesbians? How can gays/lesbians be responsible for 50% divorce rate ( incidentally highest divorce are in the bible belt ha ha ).

If your son does drug and your daughter gets laid while on booze - how is that the fault of gays/lesbians. Christians historically sought out scape-goats..they used to blame Jews, then blacks, then gypsies , then women and now since it is no longer fashionable to blame jews or blacks etc, they have to pick on vulnerable minorities like gays and lesbians.

Hitler did not kill 6 million jews in a vacuum. Centuries of marginalization and denigration and demonizing of jews as Jesus killer enable common german citizens to exercise false moral authority in killing jews. In like fashion centuries of demonizing and denigration of homosexuals embolden wicked and otherwise morally bankrupt ‘straight’ bigots to descrimiaate and do violence to gay and lesbian and other sexual minorities .

Furthermore picking on a scape-goat makes christians feel superior and ‘saved’. Denigrating others is easier than exercising love,charity and compassion which is actually the most basic teachings of Jesus of Nazareth. Sadly Christians hardly practise the most important commandemt of Jesus ie. Love God then immediately love your neighbour as yourself ( be he/she gay or staight).


mikhail - a child of the Universe

Posted by mikhail | February 23, 2007 8:51 PM

Sheesh ... another 50/50 raffle ...

Posted by Adam Selene | February 27, 2007 9:02 AM

Evangelicals and christians in general tend to be so obsessed with sex, gender and genitals to the point that you would think that morality = sex and nothing more. Why I suppose in an evangelical’s mind a heterosexual drug dealer is ‘morally’ superior to a gay philanthropist. Christians in general are guilty of being self righteous and are constantly pretending to ‘love the sinner but hate the sin ‘ as if they can really do that -hah.!!!

May I remind them that the oft repeated mantra of the modern pharasees ‘ love the sinner but not the sin’ is not a quote from Jesus , but a glib semantic invention of some self righteous baptist minister.

Careful scholars of biblical texts who are familiar with the intricacies of ancient oriental languages are wont to not read their bias into isolated quotations.

Jesus had no problems with gays ( natural eunuchs born of the mother’s womb). If you are anti-gay or condemnatory of gay people than you are out of sync with Jesus.

This is what Jesus said:

KJV Matthew 19:12
12. For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.

No less an authority than Jesus said it is o.k. to be gay, and for you to accept it. Who do you wish to follow - Jesus (of Nazareth) or Jerry (Falwell).

For more detail discussion of this biblical position on the acceptance of gay people by no less an authority than JESUS - THE SON OF GOD , I refer you to this link :

Mikhail - a child of the intelligent Universe

Posted by mikhail | March 4, 2007 4:17 AM

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