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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Self Pity—STAT!

posted by on February 27 at 15:57 PM


With all due respect to my friends at, I find nothing erotic—absolutely nothing—about the whole hospital experience.

You see, I was on a snowboarding trip last week, and everything was going great—until the last run on our last day. About two hundred yards from the car, I hit the ground. The end of my board jammed into the snow and turned clockwise; my body was thrown counter-clockwise. My left knee and ankle bore the brunt. For a second, as I lay on the ground composing my thoughts over the sound of my own screams, I was convinced I’d broken my leg. I didn’t think it was possible for a leg to bend like that and not break into at least four pieces.

But a few minutes after two Good Samaritans helped me take off my board—I didn’t get their names—I could stand. Barely. A moment later, I could walk. Lamely. But since I was standing and walking, I figured, shit, however swollen my ankle, however stabbing the pain in my knee… I must be okay, right?

Four days and no improvement later, I limped into the ER at a Boston hospital—a hospital conveniently located across the street from the hotel where everyone from the This American Life tour is staying. I’ve been here, in this room, for almost four hours now. I missed call, I missed sound check, and as of 20 minutes ago, I missed dinner. I hope I make the performance.

When it became clear that I was going to be spending a lot of time in this room alone, I decided to haul out my laptop and get some work done. And what do you know? The fifth letter I opened while sorting through my “Savage Love” mail was from a medical fetishist. That prompted me to look around my room. The gurney I’d come to think of as my own, one of those rolling doctor chairs, boxes of rubber gloves, stacks of hospital gowns, the bright and unflattering light. Hm. It would be easier for me to get hard in my mother’s mouth, as Dave Schmader might say, than in this room.

Fetishes are subjective, of course, and not everything is to everyones’ tastes—and how boring sex would be if that were the case. But… still. I’ve been in sexier, well, I was going to say “funeral homes,” but some folks find those places sexy. So I’ll just stop now.

Oh, but to any medical fetishists out there reading this? Eat your hearts out, suckers. I was seen by three doctors—an impossibly cute Asian guy, an impossibly sexy Indian woman, and finally an impossibly sexy blond guy. The nurse who came in and fitted me for a splint was also impossibly beautiful. Tall, blond, skinny. I felt like I was on a bad TV doctor show. Someone with a medical fetish would have really enjoyed the fuck out of my trip to the ER today. Too bad it happened to me, medical fetishists, and not to you.

RSS icon Comments


Good thing you're having yourself looked after. I did something like that to my knee once and now I can't do yoga. True story.

(Well, I've never actually gone to a yoga class. That's probably part of it, too.)

Posted by MvB | February 27, 2007 4:16 PM

Now you know why snowboarding sucks!

Posted by chris | February 27, 2007 4:22 PM

I hope you feel better. If you need
anything (perhaps I should specify -
like snacks or a newspaper), you have
a lot of local fans.

Posted by Leah in Somerville | February 27, 2007 4:26 PM

Don't they take away your homo card when you start calling women sexy?

Posted by whuh? | February 27, 2007 4:26 PM

"It would be easier for me to get hard in my mother’s mouth."

: |

Posted by Aaro)))n Edge | February 27, 2007 4:54 PM

Did you make the performance?

Posted by monkey | February 27, 2007 5:07 PM

That is why snowboarding is a young person's sport. When we hit middle age, we are supposed to know better.

Posted by SDA in SEA | February 27, 2007 5:38 PM

My doctor (at the Polyclinic) is not at all attractive, but I'd love to have sex with him in the examination room. He looks like he's hung.

Posted by Don't stop, Doctor! | February 27, 2007 5:41 PM

Well, for all your injuries, your story was really funny.

Posted by meryl | February 27, 2007 6:01 PM

thanks to your comment about "easier to get hard" etc, I don't think I will ever get a BONER EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!

also, Indian chicks are hot.

Posted by Mike in MO | February 27, 2007 6:29 PM

Yeah, snowboarding is for old people. As is biking, walking, sex, laughter. Leave the life-enjoying to the kids. When we hit middle age, we should just sit still and wait to die.

Posted by Tone | February 27, 2007 7:33 PM

Thank you for the medical fetishist perspective. Thinking about being the object of envy makes me feel somewhat better about my weekend encounter with six strapping young paramedics and firemen.

Posted by Cate | February 27, 2007 7:53 PM

i second the thoughts @7. because a lifetime of developing ski instincts only serves to hurt you on a board. d'oh!

Posted by ellarosa | February 27, 2007 9:12 PM

I also agree that you should be able to have fun at any age. Dan, your story reminds me of what happened to my mom 17 years ago. She was playing basketball and bent her knee BACKWARDS on a concrete bench. You really gotta be careful. I hope you get better soon, though. : )

Posted by Brad | February 27, 2007 9:16 PM

Jazz and Golf.

Posted by Lloyd Clydesdale | February 27, 2007 9:21 PM

Dan, you're a bit of a moron not to have had someone look at your knee and leg when it happened.

Posted by jonathan | February 27, 2007 10:15 PM

Dude, you're supposed to be one the Wise Elders in this here country. When you do something like that to yourself, you go to a hospital QUICKLY.

Posted by Noink | February 27, 2007 11:15 PM


Posted by test | February 28, 2007 2:24 AM

You fucking klutz! j/k couldn't resist. Get better soon and stick to pouffy sports like synchronized swimming ;P j/k bisous!

Posted by fred | February 28, 2007 5:47 AM

Be sure to recommend to your med fetishists "The Operation" -- that "medical" porn shot in infrared some years back by Marne Lucas.

Posted by Noel Black | February 28, 2007 6:54 AM

I hope that your injuries heal quickly. Like by tomorrow. So that you make it here to Chicago.

Posted by See you Thursday!? | February 28, 2007 10:00 AM

Bro! Sorry to hear about the injury. So what did it turn out to be, an ankle sprain?

If you'd like, I can recommend a doc on First Hill who's really good with this sort of thing.

Posted by Sean | February 28, 2007 10:05 AM

I did break my arm snowboarding 3 years ago (my right one...) but ended up meeting my girlfriend and not driving my rig for 8 weeks. Glad you're okay. Stay in the bar and watch other 40 somethings fall...

Posted by Laura | February 28, 2007 2:49 PM

You're in Boston and didn't call me? My secret crush is SO over.

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