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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

An Open Letter to the Girl I’ve Had a Crush On (and Haven’t Seen) Since High School and Who, I Just Found Out, Got Married Last Week:

posted by on November 28 at 15:22 PM

Dear the Girl I’ve Had a Crush On (and Haven’t Seen) Since High School and Who, I Just Found Out, Got Married Last Week:

In Phoenix?! You got married in Phoenix? To some guy who lives in Phoenix? What were you thinking, TGIHCO(HS)SHSWIJFOGMLW?

I know we haven’t spoken in years and I know you’ve probably forgotten all about me—how I used to come do yard work at your parents’ house on Saturdays; how I’d be pulling weeds, mowing the lawn, wondering if you were inside; how sometimes you’d come out and sit with me and we talked with a quiet ease we never did when we bumped into each other in the high school halls. And I remember one of those afternoons when your mother made us lunch and was trying to compliment me and said “I wouldn’t mind if you married this guy.” I thought we were meant to be: TGIHCO(HS)SHSWIJFOGMLW and This Guy. Together forever.

Remember the summer night TGIHCO(HS)SHSWIJFOGMLW, when you and I went down to the dock and sat and talked under the stars? And how, when we drifted into silence, you stood, took off your clothes, and jumped into the water? The phosphorescence was bright that night and the outline of your body shone up from the black water like a luminous silhouette. Because I wanted to seem game, I jumped in after you, but I would’ve been happy to sit there and watch you swim and make the water bright in your wake.


I know I haven’t been the most faithful fiancĂ©e. I know I haven’t called you in… twelve years. But your wedding announcement, in our hometown paper, somehow got to me, TGIHCO(HS)SHSWIJFOGMLW. I want you to be happy—really, I do—but I can’t help but think that getting married in Phoenix is a bad omen. And that, like, a million percent of American marriages end in divorce.

I guess I’m just saying it’s never too late.

RSS icon Comments


Hmm. The girl I had a crush on in high school (up in BC) actually got married and moved to Redmond.

Weird, huh?

She's got kids, but that was something unusual to find out at my high school reunion.

Posted by Will in Seattle | November 28, 2006 3:35 PM

Brendan, you must tell me which BHS graduate you're speaking of. Class of '94 or '95?

Posted by Ariel | November 28, 2006 4:19 PM

It's not weird at all to expect this gal to just sort of sit around waiting for twelve years for you to do something about it, is it? I mean, she couldn't have had anything better to do with her time, right?

Posted by Fnarf | November 28, 2006 4:26 PM

well, duh.

Posted by Will in Seattle | November 28, 2006 4:50 PM

Sorry, Brendan, but I'm afraid it is too late. You see, my new husband has a 10 inch cock with the circumference of a beer can, so half the time I don't even know I'm in Phoenix. To my disappointment, the phosphorescence that beautiful evening revealed your manhood to be much more "succinct" in comparison.

Best of luck!

Posted by TGIHCO(HS)SHSWIJFOGMLW | November 28, 2006 5:00 PM

Phoenix has nothing to do with it. When a girl stripes naked on a warm summer night she is offering herself.

As Zorba said, "God has a very big heart but there is one sin he will not forgive if a woman calls a man to her bed and he will not go.."

Posted by orson | November 28, 2006 5:14 PM

I bet Brendan found this out on MySpace.

Posted by Gomez | November 28, 2006 6:01 PM

Brendan, this is a wonderful elegy, and one to which I can wholly relate.

Of course, you do know that there are only two possible reactions that she could have:

1) You big dork, I thought about you nonstop after high school, right up until that night Ted gave me a ride home in the rain two years ago.

2) Brendan? You used to weed my mom's yard, right? And didn't we go swimming or something once?

Posted by laterite | November 28, 2006 8:22 PM


Posted by Jeff | November 29, 2006 1:19 PM

My TGIHCO(HS)SHSWIJFOGMLW works at Larry's market in Fremont...

Posted by Rottin' in Denmark | November 30, 2006 2:22 AM

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