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Monday, June 12, 2006

The Mysterious Horny-Making Properties of Anthony Bourdain

Posted by on June 12 at 9:35 AM

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The topic mentioned in the subject line above was first brought to my attention by Stranger writer Hannah Levin in this week’s Eatin’ Out column. I was aware of the existence and resultant hubbub over Bourdain’s celeb-chef memoir Kitchen Confidential, but I’d never read it, and never seen Anthony Bourdain in action. But he certainly seemed to have Hannah hyperventilating in an oddly intense way—a phenomenon I saw repeated in quadruplicate at a barbecue on Saturday, where an otherwise sane woman told of seeing Bourdain earlier in the day at Capitol Hill’s Honey Hole (Bourdain’s in town for a book signing tomorrow) and nearly dampening herself with excitement.

Three other women in the room instantly commiserated, and were nearly beside themselves with envy over Lady #1’s public brush with Bourdain. It was weird—mostly because these weren’t the type of women I expected to hear gushing like gooey N’ Sync fans over any guy, much less all of them over the same one.

I pressed for specifics of Bourdain’s appeal. All women cited an “alpha-male quality” that allegedly becomes irresistible when coupled with the inherent sensuality of chefdom. Several used the phrases “bad-boy” and “punk”. One woman spoke of a chapter in Kitchen Confidential in which Bourdain tells the stories behind the scars on his hands, and several other women swooned in agreement.

Like I said, weird, but impressive, and it got me wondering if all, by some miraculous alignment of the heavens, Anthony Bourdain is a human aphrodisiac who makes all women insane with horniness.

If any of you have theories on the mysterious power of Bourdain, please share them in comments.

(Anthony Bourdain signs his new book The Nasty Bits at the University Bookstore on Tuesday, June 13, at 2:30 pm. That evening, Bourdain appears at a dinner in his honor at Union, 1400 First Ave. This $150, Chef Ethan Stowell—created dinner is totally sold out, but maybe you know someone. Stranger writer Bethany Jean Clement—whose carnal response to Bourdain is unknown to me—will be attending, and writing about it in the Stranger after next.)

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A lot of women have a thing for chefs. When I worked in the hotel catering, my "market segment" was wealthy vapid women with too much time on their hands. Anything with a Chef's hat would just put them besides themselves. Even dogs like Tom Douglas were considered sex on a stick.

Of course, they felt the same way about Dale Chihully, something I never understood either.

i have had the hots for bourdain since reading kitchen confidential a few years ago. he has the right mix of wise ass coupled with intelligence, and his blunt manner is incredibly attractive.

plus, homeboy can cook. he knows how to use knives properly and has a smoldering temper. the ex-junkie status is a big turn off for me but, whatever. i've dated worse.

jamie oliver is still at the top of my Celebrity Chefs I Would Sleep With List but bourdain is a close second. he definitely seems like the sort of man that knows how to correctly administer a spanking. and then feed you something delicious.

My wife likes Bourdain but I need to ask her if she has the hots for him. But we both agree that Jamie Oliver is a waste of space.

His horniness inducement extends not only to women. I'm certain my boyfriend would leave me in a heartbeat if Anthony would have him.

Watching him on his Travel Channel show No Reservations is what put me over the edge. Wandering thru India, munching fried brains and roasted kidneys and paper cones full of unidentified crunchy bits, waxing poetic about the carnal pleasures of street food. Tall, lean, wirey like a tiger. Classic punk rock bad boy + adventurous traveler + creator of sublime beautiful food = the perfect fantasy man.
Too bad he is apparently arrogant and pompous, according to a friend who's worked with him.

Because the only way to a woman's heart in Seattle is an expensive dinner that shows your spending power.

Regardless of how 'hot' you find Mr. Bourdain, let me just say this: Las Halles is just awful. You can get better food as the dreadful 13 Coins.

Sorry that's "Les Halles." Been a while since I've been on the Continent!

Yes, yes!, a thousand time YES. I agree with all aforementioned reasons, but would add that Bourdain's got a dirty (like "drrrty") quality, tight tight jeans, and a willingness to CONSUME with abandon. He's a hedonist in an anorexic frame.
My lust for Bourdain hit its true, full stride during A Cook's Tour,which came out after Kitchen Confidential and was also a show on the Food Network. Highlights include: Bourdain eats a beating cobra heart, Bourdain eats a tobacco custard made specifically for him by Thomas Keller at French Laundry, Bourdain brings tears to my eyes describing "sense-memory"--the greatest power of food--and relives his first oyster on a visit to his father's birthplace and childchood vacation town in France with his brother.
No Reservations is also great. I just caught the China episode: Bourdain dabbles in Chinese medicine, gets "cupped" (shirtless in black jeans!), then immediately goes outside, smokes a cigarette and eats cow stomach. Again, the abandon! Clearly he would bring the same abandon to sex.

Because, well what woman wouldn't get all wet for a guy who tosses down still-beating cobra heart shooters?

I mean, doesn't that pretty much define "maleness" in today's world?

he's an awesome chef, a kick-ass writer, and an unrepentant smoker who loves the ramones. what's not to lust after?

I also like that his cooking shows are not just more shtick in the studio, "watch me chop this garlic, awesome, huh? Now, this here is a potato" recipe shows. Because you notice that whatever they're cooking, the ads are all for processed package food, candy and chips. Bourdain actually goes to interesting places, like Vietnam and Uzbekhistan, and eats real food there. Even as tourist shows they don't come off as "now we see the castle" junk.

Jamie Oliver gets an immense amount of stick in Britain, for the simple reason that attacking the successful is the national sport there. The fact is, he's not only introduced a generation of slack-jawed junk-food junkies to some easy, quick methods of preparing simple, real food that isn't garbage, which is a huge achievement in Britain; he is also running a cooking school that takes seriously at-risk throw-away hoodlum youth and turns them into productive members of society. It's a hard challenge that most of your other celebrity chefs (including Bourdain) wouldn't touch. He's a seriously good guy.

Kitchen Confidential would have been better with a competent editor. It was hard to follow, poorly organized and they put the chapter defining the culinary terms that litter the book at the very end.

The book left me annoyed more than anything else.

Well, he's got that tough, chain-smoking, punk-lovin veneer augmented by a carnal lust for food-what's not panty-dampening about that? Arrogance and pomposity aside (necessary traits for any celebrity chef-he seems far, far less so than, say, Emeril, Puck, or f-ing Ramsey), he's great.

His voice is a big part of it; listen to A Cook's Tour on audiobook and you'll see what I mean.

Anthony Bourdain would be unmanageably hot were it not for the fact that he admits to having carried a sword around in college. That bit of unfortunateness geeks him up just the right amount.

He doesn't do much for me, for some reason. Jamie Oliver, on the other hand - top of my CILF list.

Chain-smokers are hot!

Again, I want to ask if any of you panty-wavers have actually dined at Les Halles. The food is really bad. I can't believe he had the audacity to call the disgusting thing they brought to my table a cassoulet. Who puts a huge dollop of mustard on top of a cassoulet? What's worse, the fava beens were cooked beyond recognition -- a definite bistro no-no.

On the other hand, I did catch a glimpse of him when he walked out of the kitchen. He was tall and striking, with all the qualities we might expect in charismatic actor. He was extremely good-looking in a relaxed, sensual, Dean Martin-kind of way. He also looked way more put-together than he does on TV.

But none of this is an excuse for the terrible meal I had in Chelsea that night back in 2000.

The marginal utility of a single entree basically tops out around $20, unless you're a pedant.

Avoid the aristocrats, Stranger. This is how the Seattle Weekly became, and stays, irrelevant. This chef and his $150 dinner isn't worth your time.

Right, he really partakes and enjoys. I think that's it really. I don't buy all the alpha male crud--its because he isn't afraid of his appetite and that's always appealing to women because the sense is that its applicable to all aspects of his life. Not only would the sex be great, but life with him would be beyond interesting because he'd have you there right beside him AND he would encourage you to eat!

My favorite moments on his show and in his books aren't the macho eating cobra hearts crap, they are the candid, emotional moments. When he behaves graciously in someone'e home. He's such a smart aleck most of the time, but in these moments, you can see he truly feels humbled to be where he is at the moment. Those are the best because he isn't afraid to show that.

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