by Dan Savage
on Tue, Jul 3, 2012 at 4:07 PM
I am desperately in need of your help. After eight years of marriage, it turns out that the blowjobs I give are "good-but-not-great" and are now getting "boring." My husband is unable to tell me anything specific that he wants me to do, just that I should do something different and to "be creative." I've done pretty much everything I can think of over the years, fingers and hands included, so I have no idea where to go from here! My husband is my first partner, so I have no past experience to draw from, and porn hardly seems the proper inspiration: visually exciting (for a guy), but no visible technique other than some rather extreme deep-throating, which I am incapable of, as I have an annoyingly sensitive gag reflex. Is there anything non-standard but fun that you (or your fans) could suggest? I'm not exactly vanilla, so I'm willing to try pretty much anything at this point.
Thank you for any suggestions you might have!
Thought I Was Doing It Well
My response after the jump...
As I think saying, "You're doing it wrong, do it better, but don't ask me how I want it done," is an asshole move, TIWDIW, I'm tempted to give asshole advice. Something along the lines of, "Take a huge swig Tabasco sauce immediately before popping his dick in your mouth." Or better yet: "Tie his hands to the bedposts, blindfold him, and quietly pull out one of these babies. Then sit back, relax, and let it do all the work—while being sure to making occasional mouth-so-full/gag-reflex-engaged noises to maintain the illusion of blowjob."
You seem like a nice person, TIWDIW. A good sex partner, GGG, open to constructive criticism. But your husband hasn't given you constructive criticism. He's given you destructive criticism. "Your blowjobs bore me—fix it! Creatively!" is the kind of feedback that can leave a sex partner feeling inadequate and self-conscious. I'm not saying your husband was wrong to tell you that your blowjobs could be better; I heard the exact same thing from a boyfriend once, long, long ago, and I was grateful for the feedback. But simply communicating dissatisfaction isn't good enough. Your husband has to come through with some tips, some suggestions, some direction—something more helpful than an unhelpful "be creative."
Maybe your husband has no clue what he wants you to do. If he hasn't been with many women, TIWDIW, he might not have any ideas about new and different and totally awesome techniques. But that's still no excuse for, "Your blowjobs bore me. Fix it! Creatively!" Instead of ordering you to surprise him (just sayin': Tabasco sauce would certainly be a surprise), which was unfair of him, your husband should've tossed out some suggestions, invited you to do the same, and two should've give 'em all a whirl until you found a few new tricks that worked.
Now minor unfairnesses slosh around relationships like water in the bottom of a rowboat, of course, but "be creative!" in this context isn't just unfair. It's paralyzing. Putting all responsibility for busting out new tricks on the shoulders of the person whose blowjob/assfucking/bondage skills you've just slammed rarely results in your partner busting out new and mindblowing blowjob/assfucking/bondage moves. A destructively criticized sex partner is apt to shut down. So your husband isn't just guilty of unfair behavior here, TIWDIW, he's guilty of self-defeating behavior. Meaning: you may be to give better head—we all hav room for improvement—but this is not the way to go about getting better head from you.
Finally, TIWDIW, you mention that your husband was your first sex partner. Can I ask how many women he's been with? If the answer is "not many," then I would respectfully suggest to your husband that he may not benefit from large enough a frame of reference to craft a truly informed critique of your blowjob technique. For all he knows his wife gives amazing head. (Cue the straight men who'll tell your husband that he should be happy he's getting blowjobs at all, that you wouldn't catch them complaining if they were getting regular and enthusiastic blowjobs eight years into their marriages, etc.) But routine can make even the best blowjobs seem boring. So maybe you two shouldn't focus on the how of your blowjobs just yet, TIWDIW, and instead shake up the when and the where. Give him the same-old head in a new and exciting place, or in a new and exciting circumstance, and see if that doesn't make your blowjobs exciting again.
And while we're on the subject... how are your husband's cunnilingus skills these days?