by Dan Savage
on Wed, Apr 25, 2012 at 5:15 PM
I have a funny question and some need for advice. I had a crush in high school on this guy. When we were in high school we NEVER even talked to each other. When we graduated he found me on Facebook and he texted me out of nowhere and we started texting back and forth. We hungout a handful of time and then one night we just did it: we just had sex. Now every time we see each other it's just crazy wild sex. This sex, DON'T LET ME KID YOU HERE, is the best sex I have EVER had but I worry now that I'm just a booty call and I don't want that. I would love to pursue a relationship with him and I don't know how to approach this subject without freaking him out. I don't want to lose him now that I have him in my life. So what should I do and how should I approach this subject or should I not say anything at all?
Hooked On Hookup
My response after the jump...
First, thank you for not kidding me. I very much prefer not to be kidded, HOH, and your emphatic reassurance that you are not, indeed, kidding me here was very much appreciated.
Okay, here's what you do: keep fucking the guy. Fuck him two or three more times. Then risk having... a conversation about your relationship. And, yes, you're already in a relationship. It's not a serious relationship, it's not the kind of relationship you want to be in all your life, but it's a relationship. Tell the guy that the kind of sexual connection you two have—feel free to pause at this stage of the convo to fuck him one more time—is 1. pretty damn rare and 2. something that can really enhance and strengthen the kind of committed, serious relationship that you aspire to be in one day—maybe with him if he's game, definitely with someone else if he's not.
If he doesn't regard you as relationship material because the sex is too crazyhotcrazy, HOH, encourage him to spend a little time digging around in the "Savage Love" archives. He'll find plenty of examples of relationships—he'll find plenty of examples of marriages—that are falling apart because the sex isn't there. If he sees you as "just a fuck" because the sex is too amazing (caveat: just because it's amazing for you doesn't meant it's amazing or as amazing for him), or if he sees you as damaged/slutty goods because you enjoy sex just as much as he does, well, you tell him from me that one day he'll be divorcing the sexually-reserved woman he married and kicking himself for letting you get away.
Now sexual compatibility isn't everything, of course, but it's a big thing. And if you guys have that going for you, HOH, it would be a real shame not to explore what else you might have going for you.
And one bonus letter...
I hooked up with my now fiance on halloween two years ago thinking it would be a one night stand. LOL. The sex was unbelievable! We exchanged numbers and kept in contact for future quickies and the sex turned into a friendship the friendship turned into a relationship. But because we hooked up sometimes he doubts that he can trust me. He was the only person I've ever had a one-night stand with! I love him so much but can't take him not trusting me. We've been together two years and soon I'm going to be his wife! I wish things could've been different but how else to prove to him I only want to be with him and only him? I never cheated or lied about my past or anything else.
Bride To Be
Don't marry this man.
Don't marry any man who slut-shames you, BTB, and don't marry any man who puts stock in—and emotionally abuses you with—appallingly sexist double standards. Your fiance worries that you can't be trusted because you had a one-night stand? He had a one-night stand too. It was with you, remember? If you can't be trusted because you had a one-night stand, BTB, then your fiance can't be trusted either. Unless...
Your fiance is one of those guys who believes there's one set of rules for women and another for men. And you know what? Those kind of guys make crap boyfriends, worse fiances, and terrible husbands.